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Day 1 and I'm feeling wounded

Old 09-03-2010, 09:50 AM
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Day 1 and I'm feeling wounded

Alcoholism runs in my family. My mother, grandparents on both sides and several uncles on both sides have all been alcoholics. I've always been very leary and suspicious of developing a problem myself. I was surprised to find myself swept up in it.

When I registered on this site I started crying. I realized I've been stuffing a lot of my feelings down by using alcohol. I wonder what causes it. I don't believe it's a disease. If others do I don't object to it or try to force my view. I'm just letting people know where I stand.

I feel very tired and sad. I'm disappointed in myself. I'm lonely so I'm hoping that by coming here I will get the support I so desperately need. Thank you.
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Old 09-03-2010, 09:57 AM
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Goodman, welcome to our forum. Whether or not you believe alcoholism is a disease or not, if you feel like you have a problem with drinking, you probably do. I think most of us have felt the same emotions you are feeling, and we definitely can support you, and offer understanding. Can you give us some more information as far as your drinking is concerned? How much, how often, and how it affects you and those around you? And do you have a plan on how to deal with it? A lot of people here do AA, and really like it. I myself use this forum as my support system, and am on the computer quite a bit. Its helped me tremendously. There are a lot of resources and literature out there, and I'm sure you can find a program that will fit your needs. Good luck and keep posting and reading!
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Old 09-03-2010, 09:58 AM
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Hi, and welcome!

I don't think it much matters whether you consider alcoholism a "disease" or a "condition" or any other label. It has some things in common with a disease (such as the fact that none of us sets out to become an alcoholic, yet that's what we turn out to be), so it's a useful construct for some of us.

You might want to consider finding an AA meeting. For me, walking into a room with a bunch of people who knew EXACTLY what I was feeling, and who had found a way to recover and live happy lives, was HUGE. It gave me a lot of hope, and when I left, I no longer felt alone or hopeless. There was light at the end of the tunnel.

Glad to have you here with us.
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:11 AM
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Welcome! The good news is that if you stay sober it will get better. I started my recovery in AA and I know no better place to deal with the emotions that you are feeling, and to be supported in your decision.

Whether or not you believe alcoholism is a disease doesn't matter, at least not to my way of thinking. I an guessing drinking has become problematic for you and your are ashamed of some of your actions (by your post). What is important is that you are here seeking help meaning you are willing to change.

All the best. If you have an interest in AA just type AA into Google.
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:21 AM
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I use to feel sorry for myself
in early recovery because my
family pulled an intervention
on me to save my life.

They were doing for me what
I couldnt do for myself. And
that was to stop drinking which
led to me trying to check out
of this world.

Over the yrs. I armed myself
with knowledge of my alcoholism
and used the tools of an awesome
program of recovery to learn
to live one day at a time without
drinking.

Down the road, I realized there
are many many people out there
struggling to stay clean or sober.

I also came to realize that I had
a purpose in life. A purpose to
share my own experiences, strengths
and hopes of what it was like
before during and after drinking
to those still struggling and give
them hope that seeing me sober
for 20 yrs. that they can too.

All those that see you sober now
learning to live ODAAT gives them
hope.

Today I continue to help them
and that gives me strength to
stay sober anther day myself.

It is a very freeing and rewarding
experience to live sober.

I dont feel sorry for myself any
longer cause I am different from
normal people. I feel grateful
to be in the company of so many
living and helping others stay
sober. So can you.
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:26 AM
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Hey Good --

I happen to believe it is a disease after doing lots and lots of reading about it. But I have no problems with people who believe it is not. No worries.

There is an old timer in my home group who adamently declares it is not a disease and that people use that as an excuse or a crutch. That helps him. It helps me to believe it is a disease. . .one that I have the only key to recovery.

You are not alone, and this is a very supportive place. Glad you joined!
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Old 09-03-2010, 10:28 AM
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wecome stick around
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Old 09-03-2010, 11:03 AM
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Welcome. I hope you find what you need here. I am new here too. I have lots of the same feelings you describe (tired, sad, lonely, disappointed, shocked). I also was cautious of alcohol because my parents both struggled with alcohol.
I am totally ok with you thinking it's not a disease. I personally think (for me) it's some combination of biological predisposition and role modeling/environment. And an attempt at not feeling emotional pain.
Please post more.
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Old 09-03-2010, 11:13 AM
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Hi Goodman!

I know the feeling of being tired. I remember when I was finally sick and tired of being...sick and tired. Get yourself to an AA meeting and see if what they say there makes sense to you or not.

"Written by you"
Alcoholism runs in my family. My mother, grandparents on both sides and several uncles on both sides have all been alcoholics. I've always been very leary and suspicious of developing a problem myself. I was surprised to find myself swept up in it.

Isn't your above paragraph just another example of how tricky this disease really is? It runs in your family deeply, but you were surprised to find yourself "in it". Why were you surprised? I say this b/c I had a very similar experience, but once I got sober, I realized that I was an alcoholic before I even took my first drink...alcoholism was already in me through my genes.

I've found a solution for my alcoholism and I've been sober now for almost 9 months thanks to AA.
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Old 09-03-2010, 12:22 PM
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I guess the reason I posted that I don't think of it as a disease is because I don't want to be shooed away by a sort of "cop out" I might write up in my head to try to play the denial game a little bit longer. If you know what I mean. I do understand it is genetic. That makes sense.

I've been using alcohol for a crutch for about a year now. Drinking every single day. I've managed to go two days with no drink in the last year of trying to stop. I've also been worried because I've heard you can actually suffer from major problems going cold turkey so I'm not sure if it's a good idea to just stop.

I went to an AA meeting but I saw a lot of people and I couldn't hear what people were saying. Part of what has brought this on and hwat has made it grow so much is that I am hearing impaired. I have a real difficult time with it. I prefer to get support online which is why I cam here.

I've created a lot of habits around alcohol that I need to break. And I'm coming to terms with being 39 years old and not being able to hear. I'm basically deaf. And most people don't believe me because I don't sound deaf.

I've got a lot of great things going on in my life that alcohol helped me with. It kind of gave me the guts to push forward.

But I just want myself back.
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Old 09-03-2010, 12:25 PM
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I am glad you are here. Be kind to yourself in these early days.
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Old 09-03-2010, 12:26 PM
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Oh, man. . .this month's Grapevine (the AA monthly magazine) is all about people with disabilities! You should see if you could find a copy. There are some amazing stories in there!
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Old 09-03-2010, 12:33 PM
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You may want to check into the possibility of a medical detox. If you live in the U.S., most States have offices to assist with hearing impairments--they might be able to provide you with a referral to a detox facility equipped to help the hearing impaired.

We have a 12-Step Support forum here, too.

You can get a Big Book and participate in the discussions there.
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Old 09-03-2010, 01:09 PM
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Thanks guys. Detox is a non option for me right now. I've got three kids and I'm working in my own company and so I am responsible for too much right this moment to take off. So I thought I'd come here and try to find a chat room or message board to help me out.

I find it interesting how emotional I'm getting about it. I can feel the tears just well up really fast. I'm not prone to self pity but when you get tears in your eyes and that lump in your throat I guess it tells me that I'm stuffing down a lot of emotional things.

I'm really hoping to find a support group here online I can use. Is that possible? Also aehmnm that is a fantastic transformation in your picture. I would love to pick your brain on that.

Thank you to everyone for helping me feel safe and cared for right now.
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Old 09-03-2010, 01:23 PM
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Thanks Goodman. It was hard work, but rewarding. . .feel free to PM me and I can tell you about it!

i have 3 kids as well! Personally, I detoxed on my own. . .i didn't know any better. LOL.

You can always talk to a doctor and have medical supervision in that way, so that you don't have to take time away from your family or business. If you have a problem drinking. . .if you are an alcoholic, the time to quit is, well, now.
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Old 09-03-2010, 01:24 PM
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Thanks Goodman. It was hard work, but rewarding. . .feel free to PM me and I can tell you about it!

i have 3 kids as well! Personally, I detoxed on my own. . .i didn't know any better. LOL.

You can always talk to a doctor and have medical supervision in that way, so that you don't have to take time away from your family or business. If you have a problem drinking. . .if you are an alcoholic, the time to quit is, well, now.
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Old 09-03-2010, 01:41 PM
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Hi Goodman
Welcome to SR.

I encourage everyone at least to see their doctor - detox can sometimes be tricky for some of us...and whats more important than your health?

D
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Old 09-03-2010, 08:54 PM
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Hi Goodman - what you're feeing is normal. It's an emotional thing for us reaching out and admitting we have a problem. In some ways it's a relief, but it's also hard and scary, too. Part of this is the effect of alcohol, which really messes with our brains (it stops producing it's own dopomine, among other things). It creates depression and anxiety.

The good news is that it gets better with each day we're sober. The common advice is to take it a day (or an hour) at a time and don't pick up that first drink. This is a great place for support, so keep posting and reading!
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