Why did I pick fights with my boyfriends?
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Why did I pick fights with my boyfriends?
In my 20's (a long time ago) I used to pick fights with my boyfriends. We didn't physically fight but our fights got pretty bitter emotionally.
I'm an ACOA, and at that time, I had never been in any sort of ACOA or codependency therapy. Heck, at that time--the 1970's--I don't know if anyone had heard of such things, or knew about the effects of growing up in an alcoholic family.
I have several ideas about why I did it. (If you had asked me at the time, I would have had absolutely no idea.)
--I had a lot of free-floating anger that I didn't know how to deal with.
--I was uncomfortable with closeness and wanted to drive them away.
--I knew nothing about intimacy (not necessarily sex) and fighting was what I was used to from my family of origin.
--I was so emotionally shut down that fighting at least made me feel alive.
Can anyone else relate to this?
Kudzujean
I'm an ACOA, and at that time, I had never been in any sort of ACOA or codependency therapy. Heck, at that time--the 1970's--I don't know if anyone had heard of such things, or knew about the effects of growing up in an alcoholic family.
I have several ideas about why I did it. (If you had asked me at the time, I would have had absolutely no idea.)
--I had a lot of free-floating anger that I didn't know how to deal with.
--I was uncomfortable with closeness and wanted to drive them away.
--I knew nothing about intimacy (not necessarily sex) and fighting was what I was used to from my family of origin.
--I was so emotionally shut down that fighting at least made me feel alive.
Can anyone else relate to this?
Kudzujean
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Location: Starting over all over again
Posts: 4,426
Originally Posted by kudzujean 
.... In my 20's (a long time ago) I used to pick fights with my boyfriends. ...I have several ideas about why I did it. .....
Am I making sense?
Mike
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Why is it coming up now? Because over the last few years, it's as if I am "reviewing" my life, looking over different experiences I had, sometimes getting new insights.
I don't know if this is due to my age (late 50's) or Al Anon, which has helped me understand a lot of things, and helped me in so many other ways. But I guess it doesn't matter which one it is.
I don't know if this is due to my age (late 50's) or Al Anon, which has helped me understand a lot of things, and helped me in so many other ways. But I guess it doesn't matter which one it is.
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Location: Under the Rainbow
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In my family, at least, if you weren't in the middle of a category 5 screaming fit, then no one was talking to anyone.
In other words, fights were the one way in which we connected - a warped connection to be sure, but connection still. Humans need interaction with other humans as much as we need food or water. We are hard-wired to be in groups and stay in groups. It's why people in solitary confinement go a bit nutty.
That hard-wiring, in turn, means we will do almost anything to avoid being pushed out of the "clan". And if the only way you know of to be connected to someone is to verbally spar, then verbal sparring is how you connect.
Another possibility (and what I now see I was doing when I would pick fights) is that everyone who was close to you growing up used that closeness to hurt you. If you confided something to a family member, it would be used to hurt you later on. So as you started getting close to a boyfriend, you would become literally too close for comfort - it would quit being pleasant and start being frightening - waiting for the hurt that you "knew" would follow (because all your past experience said it would). Better to be the initiator than the recipient of said hurt, so you picked fights.
I think either of those would be reasonable guesses, although no one would know your true motivations except you, and it sounds like you're still looking. I wish you luck in understanding your past. I found that understanding my past helped me tremendously in my present.
In other words, fights were the one way in which we connected - a warped connection to be sure, but connection still. Humans need interaction with other humans as much as we need food or water. We are hard-wired to be in groups and stay in groups. It's why people in solitary confinement go a bit nutty.
That hard-wiring, in turn, means we will do almost anything to avoid being pushed out of the "clan". And if the only way you know of to be connected to someone is to verbally spar, then verbal sparring is how you connect.
Another possibility (and what I now see I was doing when I would pick fights) is that everyone who was close to you growing up used that closeness to hurt you. If you confided something to a family member, it would be used to hurt you later on. So as you started getting close to a boyfriend, you would become literally too close for comfort - it would quit being pleasant and start being frightening - waiting for the hurt that you "knew" would follow (because all your past experience said it would). Better to be the initiator than the recipient of said hurt, so you picked fights.
I think either of those would be reasonable guesses, although no one would know your true motivations except you, and it sounds like you're still looking. I wish you luck in understanding your past. I found that understanding my past helped me tremendously in my present.
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