Emeraldstorm

I don't know why I have such a hard time listening to people...

I thought that if we left our situation, he would be less stressed out and change his ways...

I decided to invite my best friend Catie to move along with us. She was in a bad relationship, and I wanted her to come with me. So of course when she gets here she starts going to the bar. It's hard to move to a different city and meet people our age if we aren't in school. So my boyfriend started getting into drinking again really bad...

Catie and I both work, and he just sits on his butt and drinks ...god I have 5 years invested in our relationship, and every time he said he would quit he would go back....

So the other day, I had enough of it and Catie and I went to the bar, and I kissed this guy I'd been working with at the coffee shop...

NOW Cory wants to change, he just ran out the door this morning to find a job, but I still feel that the love is gone, but I can't pull myself together to leave him...he literally has nobody, and when he tries to do good, it's hard for me to leave...he said this time, he's gonna find the rehab, and hes gonna find the meetings and the counselors, but im not sure I can go through all of that again...just for it to blow up in my face...he hasn't had a job in 3 years...so if he gets one I want to believe it will help him quit...but it's such a risk...and I really like the guyI kissed... and I know Cory is afraid I will be gone forever...

Cory was my best friend...and I resent him for everything he has done, but god it was the alcohol....and it's so hard to leave...

SOO FREAKING CONFUSED.

Just wanted to vent...I missed you guys

nodaybut2day

Of course Cory wants to change...now...his free ride is about to dump him on the side of the road.

I'm sorry if I sound cynical, but Cory's been sucking you dry for a long time now. Moving didn't change that. I doubt one day's dramatic declarations will change that either.

I also tried to move with my then AH. It resulted in: S.S.D.D. (Same Sh*t Different Day). XAH was no different in one province than he was in another. So he switched beer brands. He was still the same lazy, self-centered, abusive, manipulative, King Baby I married two years before. Oh lucky me.

Listen to your instincts. You don't trust Cory and his statements of newly found sobriety. Go with that.

As for new guy...well, he's just a distraction. Don't jump from one sinking ship to another.

suki44883

One cannot run away from oneself because wherever one ends up, there they are. Sorry, but the whole thing sounds like a convoluted mess. Now you are living with two people who like to drink instead of just one. You are kissing guys other than your boyfriend in an attempt to change him and now that he's talking change (which, by the way is almost surely just talk) you don't know if you even want him.

It sounds to me like the first order of business is for YOU to figure out what you really want. If you want to go around kissing other men, then you need to get out of your current relationship. Sorry to sound so harsh, but all three of you sound like you need a kick in the pants.

joey8262

got to agree with you there-there's no point jumping from one to the other-take some time out from both guys and think it through-he may want to change-put a bit of distance between you and him and let him prove it-even if it's just to give him a proverbial "kick up the a$$" the time apart will tell you if there's truly nothing between you now-it might be that you're sick of ssdd and need a break-either way i dont think running to someone else is going to solve things.

good luck whichever way you decide.

joey.

PurpleWilder

In AA (where I was from, anyway) they called what you did "doing a geographical". You think that by changing your physical surroundings, all of your problems will disappear.

Of course, as I also found out, wherever you go.....you take yourself with you.

TakingCharge999

Hi Emerald.
These guys are always right.
Are you going to therapy? I highly recommend it.
Have you read "Codependent no more" by Melody Beatty? it is an eye-opener.

From an alkie to another guy I took 9 months, but did not do my internal work 100%. So now after 2 years, I find myself feeling abandoned for the Nth time. My current partner is not an alkie but he is not stable financially and likes to use my stuff, eat my food, go out to parties without even asking and a bunch of stuff. So this new guy you kissed may be the alkie in disguise. I am being more honest with myself about my relation with guys/men and I have always chosen unavailable people like my dad. Only with therapy/al anon one can change those patterns. I really hope you take this chance to ask for help. I think back and I have lost so many opportunities just because then, my focus was the current guy in the scene, AND NOT TC999.

For once in my life I will be the person I give all my energy to, and I feel very hopeful and better with myself. I always abandoned myself. I hope you are smarter than me and back off from the dating scene for once. Patterns keep repeating- I am sure of that, given all the AA and a recent group therapy I attended - daughters turn like their mothers, alkie sons turn out alkies/addicts, and we live and re live the same suffering over and over, and over and over and over. There is much hope and light and peace for the ones that are REALLY looking for it. Hugs!!

Bucyn

No, it wasn't the alcohol, it was Cory.

He may have been your best friend, but you weren't his--Alcohol is his.

You are not bad for resenting him, but it is probably bad for you to stew in that resentment without doing anything.

Did you bring all the kids with you, the ones you said you couldn't leave because they had no one but you and that was your reason for staying with Cory even though it was pulling you down? If not, if you left them with their irresponsible parent, don't feel guilty for leaving Cory. Cory has more resources than his siblings. He set the pace, it's okay to leave people you love who depend on you, if it's for the best overall.

You are interested in someone else. That's the death of the relationship with Cory. And there's nothing wrong with being interested in someone else. You are not getting your needs met in this relationship, and your needs are as important as anyone else's on earth. And they are more your business that Cory's needs are (Cory's needs are his business). That Cory has NO ONE else is not your business, Cory has himself, and maybe it's time he starts dealing with himself and not put the responsibility on someone else.

And it's not true he has no one else. There are 6 billion people on the earth, there are people who make it their life's mission to help people like Cory and who actually know what they are doing. If Cory cared enough he could find someone within an hour who would be there for him and who'd do a better job of it than you.

This relationship is not working for you. And hasn't been for a long while. Or has it?

coffeedrinker

emerald,

first, i'm glad you came back.

second, i think you are on the verge of learning some great truths.

third, i hope you will keep coming back here to absorb the wisdom of some pretty smart people.

fourth, i think you should be honest with your man about not wanting to continue your relationship. much, much damage has been done. resentments don't die easily.

Jadmack25

I see that when it suited him, he was out and away from this brothers and sisters....so much for his never deserting them or letting them down. He also tried the "if you don't come back I will kill myself" routine, and yes I have heard that a few times myself, and so have many others here. The desperate one, made all sorts of threats and it worked, you came back and what changed? NOT a thing......he was still drinking and acting as usual, til he saw you with another man, and THAT got him moving.

Not love of you, or fear of losing you,but fear losing what you give him, all you do for him.

While you keep doing what you do, he will keep doing what he does, and you will stay sad and unhappy with him.......nothing will change for either of you and you will continue to make excuses for his addictions, bad behavior and for having to take care of him.

You could be out there in this wonderful world, having a real life....but you are not and never may be if you stay tied to Cory.

God bless