Hello Friends, it's beeen awhile!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Chantilly, VA
Posts: 216
Hello Friends, it's beeen awhile!
I've been gone a spell, wife was injured and I lost my password (Which Anna kindly reset for me, Thanks Anna!) Last time I was on here, I was making very good progress, then WHAM, lost my good payting software job with 2 days notice and later that same week, my wife fell and broke her right hip (Her left side is already messed up due to a previous doctors error, so she is already classified as legally handicapped). She is a high risk patient for anything, so her simple 3 day stay turned into a 3+ week stay with near fatal complcations. I was there every day to keep her company and cheer her up best I could. She is home and better now, will start back to work in September.
And,,,, sadly, despite the absolute _Best_ of intentions.... I slid back, with full knowledge of what I was doing :-( Now 3 days out and climbing back out of the hole I dug for myself. Just to many good things going on in my life to go and screw it up again. My wife is (mostly) healthy now, I got a much better job writing the kind of software I want to write and I am learning everyday, most days, I can work from home (!!) so no more 2+ hour commute every day. It pays over 15% better... Like I said, with _So_ much upside in my life, why the cravings to go out and do something SO wildly, insanely, stupid again? I am wide open for ideas and or thoughts!
Anyway, here I am up at 4:00a.m. again and I just wanted to say hello to the friends I have already met here and hello to all the newcomers since my several month AWOL.
Peace,
Mike
And,,,, sadly, despite the absolute _Best_ of intentions.... I slid back, with full knowledge of what I was doing :-( Now 3 days out and climbing back out of the hole I dug for myself. Just to many good things going on in my life to go and screw it up again. My wife is (mostly) healthy now, I got a much better job writing the kind of software I want to write and I am learning everyday, most days, I can work from home (!!) so no more 2+ hour commute every day. It pays over 15% better... Like I said, with _So_ much upside in my life, why the cravings to go out and do something SO wildly, insanely, stupid again? I am wide open for ideas and or thoughts!
Anyway, here I am up at 4:00a.m. again and I just wanted to say hello to the friends I have already met here and hello to all the newcomers since my several month AWOL.
Peace,
Mike
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,355
Hi Mike
Welcome back
Wanting to drink is what alcoholics do...I drank when I was sad or angry or when I was happy...I drank when times were bad and when they were good.
Supports vital I think. We have keep working at this.
Have you thought of any other support besides SR?
D
Welcome back
Wanting to drink is what alcoholics do...I drank when I was sad or angry or when I was happy...I drank when times were bad and when they were good.
Supports vital I think. We have keep working at this.
Have you thought of any other support besides SR?
D
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Chantilly, VA
Posts: 216
Hehe... I suppose I should know _That_ by now! What most confounds me is I have so much that is truly good in my life, yet the urge to destroy it is an amazing thing to see! Getting my wife back to as healthy as she can and throwing myself into my new job helps a great deal. The new job is _very_ mental. I am learning and using a ton of Java software every day. And these days, when I do not drink, I tend to wake up at odd hours (like today, 4:00), so I can work pretty much anytime. But in answer to your quesrion, no, just me and my brain duking it out daily.... Thank you for the reminders tho!
Leap of Faith Survivor
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 4,555
Hi mike, welcome back!
I am happy for you that your wife is mending and things have turned out so well, jobwise.
you have been through a lot...I used to be very good at self-sabotage, just when things got really good
..I couldn't handle the prospect of being happy...I didn't realize I was doing it..
I am happy for you that your wife is mending and things have turned out so well, jobwise.
you have been through a lot...I used to be very good at self-sabotage, just when things got really good
..I couldn't handle the prospect of being happy...I didn't realize I was doing it..
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,463
Mike,
I used the self-sabotage technique on myself for years. It was SO hard to stop. Everytime things would be going well, my anxiety would start to increase and continue to increase. I was so nervous about succeeding because I had no idea what it would be like. Failing was something I was comfortable with. I had to convince myself that I deserved a good life.
I am really glad that things are going so well for you and your wife.
I used the self-sabotage technique on myself for years. It was SO hard to stop. Everytime things would be going well, my anxiety would start to increase and continue to increase. I was so nervous about succeeding because I had no idea what it would be like. Failing was something I was comfortable with. I had to convince myself that I deserved a good life.
I am really glad that things are going so well for you and your wife.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
That "urge to destroy it" ... your success and your life... What's that about? I don't want an answer.... but I think you should really meditate and pray (if you are inclined) with that a while. Maybe there is something to that, or.... maybe you just want to get drunk, I don't know.
Do you have to work at home... maybe that is not really all that awesome... It's not something I could do in a million years... I need more structure and real time accountability... My brother can work from home, I never understood how he can do that... but some can I guess... Anyway, if you keep work at work and home at home for a while???? .... get into a normal and predictable schedule.
Just some random thoughts...
Oh, Have you considered a program of recovery?
Mark
Do you have to work at home... maybe that is not really all that awesome... It's not something I could do in a million years... I need more structure and real time accountability... My brother can work from home, I never understood how he can do that... but some can I guess... Anyway, if you keep work at work and home at home for a while???? .... get into a normal and predictable schedule.
Just some random thoughts...
Oh, Have you considered a program of recovery?
Mark
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Hi Mike, welcome back. Sounds like some positive forces working in your life with the new job and your wife on the mend just keep breathing in that force and let it help you stay away from the drink. SR is a great place to get support 24/7.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Hi Mike and welcome back...sending positive thoughts on your wife's full recovery:-)
Its amazing to see I'm not the only one with self sabotage issues;-) I am working with a life coach to try and get my art career on track...I've had many wasted opportunities there and I need to stop. One of the things we talk about is being ok regardless of what's going on around us...if you are in the right place mentally things can be going to hell or you can be on cloud nine and yet you are still in a good place...it takes work, but since I'm not doing a 12 step program I have time:-)
Its amazing to see I'm not the only one with self sabotage issues;-) I am working with a life coach to try and get my art career on track...I've had many wasted opportunities there and I need to stop. One of the things we talk about is being ok regardless of what's going on around us...if you are in the right place mentally things can be going to hell or you can be on cloud nine and yet you are still in a good place...it takes work, but since I'm not doing a 12 step program I have time:-)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Chantilly, VA
Posts: 216
Thank you to everyone here, your insightful comments, and those who remembered me... Working at home can be a double edged sword, but writing software like recursive tree traversals are not something one can typically do after drinking. I have been wanting to work on what I am now working on for 5-6 years so I am very happy with that. My Korean wife is very religous. When I expressed my surprise at her getting out of the hospital (alive again), and then this excellent job falling into my lap, I told her something is not right here, to many good things happening without an equal amount of pain and loss! But to her it made perfect sense, As she put it, I got laid off of a job I hated, freed me up to spend every day at the hospital and take care of her and help her around the house, now God is just paying me back.... what's there to figure out?!! Hmm.. Never thought of it that way!
Thanks again everyone, it's good to be back :-)
..Mike
Thanks again everyone, it's good to be back :-)
..Mike
SR Fan
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Mississippi
Posts: 7,910
It always struck me as odd, too, that I would get such strong urges to drink when things were going well. Of course, my drinking wasn't limited to that - I think I was always uncomfortable/disatisfied with whatever I was feeling. It feels good today to work on accepting myself and my life. As long as I was drinking, I really couldn't get in touch with any of that.
Gratitude is a great tool for me in sobriety. And this forum has been invaluable. Nice to know we don't have to do this alone! Welcome back!
Gratitude is a great tool for me in sobriety. And this forum has been invaluable. Nice to know we don't have to do this alone! Welcome back!
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
