fairyprincess

Hi guys!! It's been awhile...so I have been married 21 years to a man who displays acoa tendancies yet has no alchohol or drug abuse in his childhood...weird, anyway after all this time dealing with various issues, his and mine I came clean about my real feelings for him..I don't love him or like him or really want to be anywhere close to him. I'm pretty okay with being cordial and taking care of business stuff, but anything personal sends me for the razor. The last two years were really hard and I developed a cutting disorder. This due to emotional abuse through the years. He has made a lot of positive changes in behaviors and has been working on a lot of personal issues, lately he has been very nice and non critical, yet I do not want to reconcile. I have stayed because we have 4 children. Now I just want to be healthy. Do you guys think Im running? after all we acoa's do that Or is it a better choice to get away from the triggers and heal? Even if he continues to make positive changes? What do ya think?

DesertEyes

Hi there fairyprincess, and glad to see you back

I think you have a lot of challenges happening at the same time, and none of them small. I don't think you can just make it all simple with a "yes or no" answer. I think you need to work each one out individually and come up with small improvements rather than try to fix it all with one sweeping answer.

Because as an ACoA I tend to do exactly that. I want to fix it all _today_. When I have "stuff" going on in my life I tend to over-simplify everything and wind up with "yes or no" solutions that are absolute and inflexible. What works for me is to find other people that can help me see the "grays" and stop thinking in "black and white". For me that's a sponsor, some good friends in recovery, and even a therapist when I got really confused.

Then I can come up with a plan that works a little bit at a time. That way I don't have to totally toss my life out and start all over.
Whadya think?

Mike