Same song, second verse?
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 115
Same song, second verse?
Hi All,
About 2 months ago, I told my husband that I was concerned about his daily drinking, and it did not go well. He totally denied there was a problem, blamed me for making him unhappy and was just general quacking up a storm. He then wanted me to give a specific amount of alcohol that I would be okay with, and I refused, telling him that I will not be responsible for how much he does or does not drink. I was very clear that I didn't want to be around the drinking and that I did not trust his judgment concerning alcohol. This ended up being a big confrontation that ended with him saying that he does not have a problem, that he does not intend to stop drinking, but that the problem is "taken care of." He said he didn't need help, and that we didn't need to go to counseling.
After that fight, AH did not drink at all (as far as I can tell) for about 6 weeks. During that time, he started being nicer to me (not putting me down all the time) and really seemed to be making an effort in our relationship. He also lost about 15 lbs., which I definitely think is from cutting out the alcohol. I told him that he looked good, and that I appreciated him making effort with me. He said that he realized that the daily drinking was a bad habit but that, again, it is "taken care of." Still no intention to not drink. Then a couple of weeks ago, we go to a birthday party for a friend, and just before we get there he tells me that he is going to drink beer because it's his friend's birthday. I told him that he already knows how I feel about him drinking, but that whether he drinks is his decision because he is responsible for his own choices. He proceeded to have several drinks at the party. Then, last weekend at home he said he wanted to have a little bit of wine. He drank a bottle of wine. And tonight, he has drank another bottle of wine. Possibly there has been other drinking, but that's all I know about.
I know that he believes that since he has demonstrated that he can go without drinking for several weeks, that he doesn't have a problem and that it's still "taken care of." I feel like he was just lying low and now that we are a couple of months past the confrontation, that he is just returning to his old ways. Not nearly as bad as before, but what assurance do I have that it's not a problem when the only thing he will say is that it's "taken care of?"
We have numerous other problems in that he is very critical of me, complains constantly and generally believes I am incompetent. He is very attached to his parents and will always take their opinion over mine. He shares his primary banking account with them, not me. I found this out soon after we married (a little over a year ago) and he refuses to change the account because he trusts them, not me. Fortunately, I am financially independent with my own job and my own accounts. Simultaneously, he does not want me to talk to my mom (who doesn't live close) about any of my concerns about the alcohol and is furious that I have made him look bad by asking my mom for advice. He is very appearance-oriented and is far more concerned with looking good to others than genuinely having a good relationship. I don't feel that he loves me, but I do feel that he loves the appearance of being "successful" that we apparently have. He is obsessed with both looking perfect, and with the fact that I am never good enough. And the alcohol just makes all of that worse.
I have been taking a wait-and-see approach to the drinking because I can't control it, and I can't predict whether it really is "taken care of." It seems to me that it's just a slow return the the same habit. I'm not sure what the next step is. I am honestly thinking about leaving, and I have a decent exit strategy. I feel like I haven't put in enough effort to save this marriage, so I feel guilty about that. At the same time I do NOT want to have kids with my husband because I believe that he would be emotionally abusive if they were not his idea of perfect, and that would only be made worse if the alcohol continues. Ahhhhhh!!!!!
Thanks for listening, I appreciate it! I love this board, and I thank everyone for sharing their insights and experiences.
Sasha
About 2 months ago, I told my husband that I was concerned about his daily drinking, and it did not go well. He totally denied there was a problem, blamed me for making him unhappy and was just general quacking up a storm. He then wanted me to give a specific amount of alcohol that I would be okay with, and I refused, telling him that I will not be responsible for how much he does or does not drink. I was very clear that I didn't want to be around the drinking and that I did not trust his judgment concerning alcohol. This ended up being a big confrontation that ended with him saying that he does not have a problem, that he does not intend to stop drinking, but that the problem is "taken care of." He said he didn't need help, and that we didn't need to go to counseling.
After that fight, AH did not drink at all (as far as I can tell) for about 6 weeks. During that time, he started being nicer to me (not putting me down all the time) and really seemed to be making an effort in our relationship. He also lost about 15 lbs., which I definitely think is from cutting out the alcohol. I told him that he looked good, and that I appreciated him making effort with me. He said that he realized that the daily drinking was a bad habit but that, again, it is "taken care of." Still no intention to not drink. Then a couple of weeks ago, we go to a birthday party for a friend, and just before we get there he tells me that he is going to drink beer because it's his friend's birthday. I told him that he already knows how I feel about him drinking, but that whether he drinks is his decision because he is responsible for his own choices. He proceeded to have several drinks at the party. Then, last weekend at home he said he wanted to have a little bit of wine. He drank a bottle of wine. And tonight, he has drank another bottle of wine. Possibly there has been other drinking, but that's all I know about.
I know that he believes that since he has demonstrated that he can go without drinking for several weeks, that he doesn't have a problem and that it's still "taken care of." I feel like he was just lying low and now that we are a couple of months past the confrontation, that he is just returning to his old ways. Not nearly as bad as before, but what assurance do I have that it's not a problem when the only thing he will say is that it's "taken care of?"
We have numerous other problems in that he is very critical of me, complains constantly and generally believes I am incompetent. He is very attached to his parents and will always take their opinion over mine. He shares his primary banking account with them, not me. I found this out soon after we married (a little over a year ago) and he refuses to change the account because he trusts them, not me. Fortunately, I am financially independent with my own job and my own accounts. Simultaneously, he does not want me to talk to my mom (who doesn't live close) about any of my concerns about the alcohol and is furious that I have made him look bad by asking my mom for advice. He is very appearance-oriented and is far more concerned with looking good to others than genuinely having a good relationship. I don't feel that he loves me, but I do feel that he loves the appearance of being "successful" that we apparently have. He is obsessed with both looking perfect, and with the fact that I am never good enough. And the alcohol just makes all of that worse.
I have been taking a wait-and-see approach to the drinking because I can't control it, and I can't predict whether it really is "taken care of." It seems to me that it's just a slow return the the same habit. I'm not sure what the next step is. I am honestly thinking about leaving, and I have a decent exit strategy. I feel like I haven't put in enough effort to save this marriage, so I feel guilty about that. At the same time I do NOT want to have kids with my husband because I believe that he would be emotionally abusive if they were not his idea of perfect, and that would only be made worse if the alcohol continues. Ahhhhhh!!!!!
Thanks for listening, I appreciate it! I love this board, and I thank everyone for sharing their insights and experiences.
Sasha
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Hi Sasha!
You are right about it being the same song second verse. Your post is a lot like my life about half-way through my relationship with my XABF.
We had the same confrontation that you describe with really the same give and take. My XABF also abstained from binge drinking for about six months. Unlike you, though, I told him what a moderated drinker should be consuming (I said 2 beers for a man of his size) daily so he did drink at that rate for those six months. He then cited job stress and other factors for needing to unwind a bit more on weekends and so the binging began to build and with it his anger, condemnation, verbal abuse, and threats of violence.
Your gut reaction to sit back, detach, wait and see how he handles this "relapse" is probably a safe one. It's not the drinking that's the issue, right? It's the way he treats you. Took recovery for me to figure that out and that's what I focused on when I began making boundaries. I said the same to my XABF that I didn't care what, when, or how much he drank, it was how he acted towards me that mattered. It was up to him to decide if he could change his behavior without having to stop drinking. In the end, he couldn't and I kept my promise and left him.
When the time is right, you will know if he can ever be the husband it seems has the capacity to be when sober. He will show you in his actions if he chooses to be Mr. Hyde or Dr. Jeckel. Then you'll know and if you're done, you'll know it.
Focus on you. Stay out of his choices no matter how he tries to quack and involve you or blame you for making his choices hard (poor baby). Detach with compassion (he's an addict after all). Set boundaries. Keep a plan in place if and when it's needed it will be there for you.
Been there and done that. Hang in there friend!
Alice
You are right about it being the same song second verse. Your post is a lot like my life about half-way through my relationship with my XABF.
We had the same confrontation that you describe with really the same give and take. My XABF also abstained from binge drinking for about six months. Unlike you, though, I told him what a moderated drinker should be consuming (I said 2 beers for a man of his size) daily so he did drink at that rate for those six months. He then cited job stress and other factors for needing to unwind a bit more on weekends and so the binging began to build and with it his anger, condemnation, verbal abuse, and threats of violence.
Your gut reaction to sit back, detach, wait and see how he handles this "relapse" is probably a safe one. It's not the drinking that's the issue, right? It's the way he treats you. Took recovery for me to figure that out and that's what I focused on when I began making boundaries. I said the same to my XABF that I didn't care what, when, or how much he drank, it was how he acted towards me that mattered. It was up to him to decide if he could change his behavior without having to stop drinking. In the end, he couldn't and I kept my promise and left him.
When the time is right, you will know if he can ever be the husband it seems has the capacity to be when sober. He will show you in his actions if he chooses to be Mr. Hyde or Dr. Jeckel. Then you'll know and if you're done, you'll know it.
Focus on you. Stay out of his choices no matter how he tries to quack and involve you or blame you for making his choices hard (poor baby). Detach with compassion (he's an addict after all). Set boundaries. Keep a plan in place if and when it's needed it will be there for you.
Been there and done that. Hang in there friend!
Alice
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