Knowing what you know now...
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Knowing what you know now...
ok, we all have the thought, if I knew now, what I knew back then....so I have to ask...FOR everyone that married the A....would you back then, still married him? KNOWING WHAT YOU KNOW NOW, even if you left..(plz state that you did or did not leave....)
Member
Join Date: Jul 2009
Location: Wild West, USA
Posts: 407
I don't know. And I did suspect when I married him that it would probably not end happily (even having no experience with alcoholism). I thought it might be worth doing anyhow. I loved the person he was, separate from the alcoholism, very much. But I still couldn't take it, and left.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 1,118
I recently had a 40th high school reunion, and the guy who tried to get me to NOT marry AH but marry him instead was there, so this thread reminded me of how I had a fork in my road when I was 22 and what if I had taken the other path.
I have often thought I would answer your question in the negative. Alcoholism ravaged so much. But to tell you the truth, after the scorched earth there are the learnings, the fun times, the friendship, the 5 years that he DIDN'T drink, and most of all, my 4 absolutely wonderful children.
My reply is, yes, I would have married him, but I wish I could have brought more wisdom from the get-go to deal with the alcoholism better.
I have often thought I would answer your question in the negative. Alcoholism ravaged so much. But to tell you the truth, after the scorched earth there are the learnings, the fun times, the friendship, the 5 years that he DIDN'T drink, and most of all, my 4 absolutely wonderful children.
My reply is, yes, I would have married him, but I wish I could have brought more wisdom from the get-go to deal with the alcoholism better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: California
Posts: 182
1st marriage - NO
2nd marriage - NO
Most recent ABF relationship - YES - I finally learned some of the lessons I never would have learned without him. It has been utter misery at times but I finally get some things I never would have otherwise. (As of last Thursday it appears this relationship is in the tank unless sobriety happens. So it is kaput - no real drama I just know I can't live with an active A in my life right now. I finally GET THAT).
Slow learner over here - big time.
2nd marriage - NO
Most recent ABF relationship - YES - I finally learned some of the lessons I never would have learned without him. It has been utter misery at times but I finally get some things I never would have otherwise. (As of last Thursday it appears this relationship is in the tank unless sobriety happens. So it is kaput - no real drama I just know I can't live with an active A in my life right now. I finally GET THAT).
Slow learner over here - big time.
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by SoloMio 
I have often thought I would answer your question in the negative. My reply is, yes, I would have married him, but I wish I could have brought more wisdom from the get-go to deal with the alcoholism better.
now a days... i hope...we are more open to this recovery "age"...back then it was a quiet diease...rite?no?
I AM CANADIAN
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
Originally Posted by Live
I read a scientific report that covered this.
Most divorced women wish they would have left the marriage sooner.
Most divorced women wish they would have left the marriage sooner.
get it, give it, grow in it
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Calif coast
Posts: 3,167
Looking at the big picture of my life, my marriage that lasted 5 yrs, with my A
(the A stands for ***hole) was meant to happen to have my only child.
My son was the love of my life and the perfect child for me.
Therefore, the past could not be other than it was meant to be.
Luckily, I learned my lessons.
I have never associated with anyone like my ex since.
I stayed single for 7 yrs. before I remarried, making sure I was the right person before finding the right guy.
(the A stands for ***hole) was meant to happen to have my only child.
My son was the love of my life and the perfect child for me.
Therefore, the past could not be other than it was meant to be.
Luckily, I learned my lessons.
I have never associated with anyone like my ex since.
I stayed single for 7 yrs. before I remarried, making sure I was the right person before finding the right guy.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: maine
Posts: 1,545
No I wouldn't.
I was preparing to leave the day he told me he had cancer. He died five weeks later.
A lot of people have to learn this for themselves. A few weeks after AH's death, an acquaintance told me her daughter was engaged, and she had chosen someone quite unlike herself. I later heard another guest (20-odd years of sobriety under his belt) at the gathering speaking to her quietly and advising her to remind her daughter that "alcoholism is a progressive disease."
Not my kid, or my business, but I was tempted to tell Mother-of-the-soon-to-be officially engaged that her daughter might like to look at this site to see what it's like on a day to day basis living with an alcoholic. The columnist Ann Landers commented that one's spouse would be a lot like one's fiance' but without the halo and wings. True in any marriage, but especially if one lives with an addict.
I was preparing to leave the day he told me he had cancer. He died five weeks later.
A lot of people have to learn this for themselves. A few weeks after AH's death, an acquaintance told me her daughter was engaged, and she had chosen someone quite unlike herself. I later heard another guest (20-odd years of sobriety under his belt) at the gathering speaking to her quietly and advising her to remind her daughter that "alcoholism is a progressive disease."
Not my kid, or my business, but I was tempted to tell Mother-of-the-soon-to-be officially engaged that her daughter might like to look at this site to see what it's like on a day to day basis living with an alcoholic. The columnist Ann Landers commented that one's spouse would be a lot like one's fiance' but without the halo and wings. True in any marriage, but especially if one lives with an addict.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 583
Yes I would do it over. No it wasn't easy. And we are still marrried for 14 1/2 years.
Maybe it would be different if she didn't sober up. Maybe this and that.
For me I had to do my part before God until such time I couldn't anymore,, but the couldn't do anymore hasn't come. It sucked and I grew in many ways. After a few years my wife wanted to stay sober. When she was reaching and trying I was not going to leave when she was actually trying. It took a two rehabs and a 3 month say in half way house for her to live. I was working full time bring in all the money, was taking care of a 7 and 12 year old, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a house and two cars. It wasn't easy.
This past week my wife picked up her 6 month chip. She isn't 5 years later but I've been sober all most 19 years and know what sober living looks like and what it doesn't.
I'm glad I stayed but what a ride....
AG
Maybe it would be different if she didn't sober up. Maybe this and that.
For me I had to do my part before God until such time I couldn't anymore,, but the couldn't do anymore hasn't come. It sucked and I grew in many ways. After a few years my wife wanted to stay sober. When she was reaching and trying I was not going to leave when she was actually trying. It took a two rehabs and a 3 month say in half way house for her to live. I was working full time bring in all the money, was taking care of a 7 and 12 year old, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a house and two cars. It wasn't easy.
This past week my wife picked up her 6 month chip. She isn't 5 years later but I've been sober all most 19 years and know what sober living looks like and what it doesn't.
I'm glad I stayed but what a ride....
AG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Reality, NJ
Posts: 853
No. I left. I wish I'd left sooner and increased my chances of having a family with someone else. Childless and 35. I still have some time but I never thought this would happen. NEVER. I have to believe in fate though.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 302
I left, and it's a NO from me too.
I should have left sooner (or rather, made him leave, which is what happened), but I couldn't figure out how to do it with the career constraints I had at the time.
Our marriage was worse for longer than it was any good. I'm still waiting for it to legally be over.
I should have left sooner (or rather, made him leave, which is what happened), but I couldn't figure out how to do it with the career constraints I had at the time.
Our marriage was worse for longer than it was any good. I'm still waiting for it to legally be over.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by DMC
I left, and it's a NO from me too.
I should have left sooner (or rather, made him leave, which is what happened), but I couldn't figure out how to do it with the career constraints I had at the time.
Our marriage was worse for longer than it was any good. I'm still waiting for it to legally be over.
I should have left sooner (or rather, made him leave, which is what happened), but I couldn't figure out how to do it with the career constraints I had at the time.
Our marriage was worse for longer than it was any good. I'm still waiting for it to legally be over.
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