Aysha

I need to tell you guys that only after 9 days I left the halfway house. I just am not ready to commit like that.
I know what your gonna say or think.
I have to put the work in to stay clean. My way never works. And I do know this.
I got scared of the digging in my past and having to do things I dont want to do.
Yea..Yea..Yea..Poor me.
I know what I need to do. I am not trying to do this on my own or my way really. Maybe trying to conform it a little to my liking. I know that doesnt work either.
I know how to get and stay clean. I juts need to do it. Use my resources and sober friends. My mistake every time is not reaching out.
I am going to try and commit to meetings. The welcome backs were amazing when I saw everyone for the first time in months. There was no shame or judgement. Only hugs and glad I made it backs.
I am even asking for rides to them. And I need to ne honest when I am struggling.
I am told it is important to deal with my "underlying" issues. I am not ready for that. I dont want to talk about all that stuff. I have let it go. But I am constantly being told subconciously I havent. I dont know how true that is.
Anyway.
I know it was a bad move. But I dont want to think of it as yet another failure or I definately will hate myself and not even care.
I dont want to sound like a broken record, so I will stop right there.
I am going to use what I know already and be open to learning more through meetings and connections with others in recovery.
Just wanted to let yall know what I have been doing.

I am in such a seriously disturbing codependent relationship it isnt even funny.

Jomey

Hey T- no advice - just prayers. Please don't let your recovery get derailed. Jomey

WakeUp

I wish you peace Aysha.

ANGELINA243

Keep reaching out to others for help and be willing to receive it. You are not alone. We do recover.

LexieCat

I don't know you well enough (even though we got the same birthday) to know what's best for you. What concerns me is that you seem to have a pretty good idea what's NOT good for you, and are doing it anyway.

We all care about you here and want to see you get well and happy. What I am reading here is a lot of fear. I hope you can let go of some of that, and trust that your Higher Power will take care of you.

Anna

Prayers, as always, Trish!

julez

Trish, as much as I'm glad to see you back, I hope its for the best. I hope you can find the strength (and desire) to confront your past issues. Until then, you know where you can always find support, at any time of day. We are here for ya!

Dee74

I dunno why you'd make what you know is a bad move when you know how high the stakes are Trish?

Or maybe I do - I did bad moves and over...too scared of what might be ahead...hoping I could 'out-stubborn' things...hoping I could keep everyone happy....

I couldn't Trish.

I hope it works out for you tho - seriously
D

grateful2b

we all walk this path...you are in my prayers, Trish

artsoul

Just wanted to add my support and say that I hope you find exactly what you need. hugs and prayers........

least

Prayers going out for you Trish. I hope you can stay clean and true to your ideals.

CarolD

Prayers that you will find peace T......

nogard

Trish, dont pick up today, go to meetings, talk to other members and get a sponsor with some time in recovery who works a program and let yourself be guided by them.

Hevyn

Please don't damage yourself again, Trish. Be careful - be kind to yourself, and let your body heal.

Rusty Zipper

trish,

our past, is our salvation,

i do hope some day you do face it, share it, get over it,

move on, grow,

and to show and help others who dont think it can be done

love you lady!

Kmber2010

Aysha....there are many ways in recovery and we have to find the one that works for us....and not all of us find the same stage at the same time....know what I mean? I didn't rush out the minute I got sober and start digging or any of that. I got sober first then I started step by step through counseling.....working a bit at a time.....with addressing these underlying causes. Do I believe that it is part of recovery? For me it was. Why the hell did I become a raging alcoholic??? I knew but needed to share it....and find positive ways to address it and move on. I did quite a bit of sweeping under the carpet in life which only continued my drinking.

Wish you well.....and I believe you will get to that place. I don't judge and I don't think there is only one way to do things. Stay clean....work the meetings and remove what you feel at this point isn't helpful and add things you think are. You may end up changing your mind down the road.

I didn't just walk into my counselor one day and dump it all out. Oh hell....no way. I went and took it all bit by bit and as I become more grounded in sobriety....I worked harder and harder at building the foundation for my recovery.

Keep sharing the journey my friend and we always here for you.

keithj

Ugh, Trish.

I'm not here to beat up on you. You do a great job of that yourself. I read what you say here, and then I compare it with what you are doing and they don't add up.

This is what I call delusion. The delusion that I'm doing what it takes to recover, when in reality I'm doing what I want to do.

In my opinion, Trish, you are the real deal. Your continual return to active addiction tells me that. And the biggest mistake I've seen for anyone who is the real deal, is thinking they know what it takes to recover.

If you knew how to do this, you'd be doing it.

What you know how to do is relapse. So that's what you do.

Look to the people that really do know to recover. They will be the ones that are recovered. And I can promise you, that if they are the real deal like you, the won't have recovered by going to meetings.

It's so important I'll repeat. The real deal alkies and addicts don't recover by going to meetings. They recover by some kind of spiritual experience.

You have two choices, Trish. Do what you know how to do, or do what those who have recovered do. Which do you think is going to have better results? Best of luck to you.

michelle01

I think you need to be prepared to give it everything, and let go of the things that are hangers on - difficult sometimes because it feels like it has become part of our 'identity', as it does when the culture of using and the lifestyle that goes with it has become so ingrained (I saw this with someone I was close to).

Many times I thought that I was on the right track to all intents and purposes, only to screw up my own progress along the way - I can only explain it as subconscious forces disrupting and sabotaging me. They can be incessant and powerful. It's difficut to break down their resistance, get to the real heart of what was going on, but that's what I had to do to move forward and break my own cycle.

eremc08

I don't know what you're underlying issues are so I'm not comparing yours to mine, but I've learned that the only way to get through things you've done or had done to you, is to forgive. I know.. easier said than done. Things I've done (terrible things, disgusts me to think about them) I make myself think about them, and then tell myself that I forgive myself for them and need to move on and learn from those things. Things that were done to me, I cannot play victim anymore and to forgive those who have wronged me, but not forget. What doesn't kill me makes me stronger. What doesn't kill you will make you stronger. I'm not trying to preach to you.. just offering some advice that could bring you peace with yourself.

I've been on this site for 11 days and I've been doing this on my own, in the real world. Some can't some can. I wanted to prove something to myself. (which is personal and will probably remain that way) I continue to do it, and am not giving up.
You shouldn't give up on yourself either. Good luck!

littlefish

Yeah, it's a lot of work. But, a lot of us don't feel repelled by digging in the past. It's not that I was overjoyed to dig up the past, because believe me, I buried it miles underground. But, I wasn't reluctant to look at it.
It sounds like you are going through resisting....which is a very uncomfortable period in recovery. I went through a period with my sponsor when I was angry with everything she was doing. I was resisting.
Think of it as tunnel. It was very uncomfortable to have the tables turned on me and see things from a less self-absorbed/victim perspective because that was my safe place. But when I got through the tunnel, it was liberating. When I heard people describe it that way, I didn't believe it, but now I see that it is.

All I would say is: change the wording there. You don't "try" to commit to meetings: you commit to meetings. You don't try to go to a meeting: you either go or not.

You are SO TOTALLY ready for that: deal with the issues: you are not getting any younger. Just go ahead and get that sponsor and a sponsor will guide you through it.

Well, maybe it wasn't a bad move. It would be a valid choice if you thought it was not the right avenue of recovery for you. It would be a bad choice if you chose no recovery.

You have chosen to eliminate the halfway house as an option for recovery, then I would recommend choosing a program that is equally demanding. And, work your program. Go to 90/90. I did. Every time I thought it was a huge chunk of time out of my day, I had to remind myself that alcohol took a larger chunk of time from my life everyday. (I know you are not an alcoholic)

Add alanon meetings to your schedule. If you have a Big Book lying around, go to the chapter called: "Into Action".

Keep safe....so many of us have been where you are right now. You are not alone!