AH Relapased after 2 weeks..
Persevere, Never give up!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
AH Relapased after 2 weeks..
and so the saga continues.... everything was going so well! Then last Saturday he went out and i was sure when he got back 3 hours later that he was totally smashed. I wasnt sure, so i said nothing, but then again on Thursday, he was acting very odd and I started to notice the familiar signs! So that evening I confronted hom and he had every excuse where the bottles came from, but, i said well never mind that, why are u drunk now, no answer, then he started blaming me for everything and has told me he will not stop drinking, his joints and muscles are in such pain without it, but, he refuses to go for medical help! eventually i just walked away. I have not spoken much to him at all, now, today, I go out and come back and I see he has already been drinking. He has now left who knows when he will be back tonight. All I can say is pray for him, he really is in a bad way! and even the shock of me walking out for days, didnt seem to be enough. How does one deal with this? Ignore him or what? Thanks for reading
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Relapse would imply that there was some semblance of recovery prior to the drinking.
He's made it quite clear to you that he will not give up drinking.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease-it only gets worse, never better, if left untreated.
Personally I no longer take a front row seat to anyone's active alcoholism, not a spouse, not an adult child.
It's your decision what you can and can't live with in the end.
My home has been free of active alcoholism for many years now, and I like it that way.
He's made it quite clear to you that he will not give up drinking.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease-it only gets worse, never better, if left untreated.
Personally I no longer take a front row seat to anyone's active alcoholism, not a spouse, not an adult child.
It's your decision what you can and can't live with in the end.
My home has been free of active alcoholism for many years now, and I like it that way.
Persevere, Never give up!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Thanks for your responses, but due to circumstances right now plus others, some being i am unemployed and have no transport, leave me with little decisions in my situation. Also i have known AH for 28 years, and knew of his problem before marriage, but, he did get sober before we married and stayed that way for 8 years, so, i am really betwixed and between! Just really sad and lost right now.
Sobriety Date: Feb 2009
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Osaka, Jpn
Posts: 389
functional alcoholic Hi, my name is ninja7 and I am an alcoholic!
I think you can not change him. JMO, if you stay with him, you may treat him as a functinal alcoholic until he hits rock bottom. You may set boundary and take care of yourself and your children. I think that evening drinker is much better than snake drinker, JMO. Otherwise you may fight him every day. It is just my opinion and I have never read such statement in anywhere. I might be wrong.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Starburst
I know this scenario very well - my AH who I have known for the past 29 yrs and have been married to for 22 years, recently got sober but relapsed after 3/5 months of sobriety. He seemed to 'get it' when sober but immediately following his relapse his denial kicked in. As sad as it is, I know that I come second to my AH, he chooses to continue to drink and will do so even if it means loosing me, that's his choice and my choice to stay in those circumstances (for now anyway)
How does one deal with this?
You think about you, you put 'you' first, you ignore him and his problems, you focus on 'you' and making 'you' feel better. You get to Al-anon, or read about 'your' recovery, you think about what it will take for 'you' to be able to live with him and his disease, if you' want to. You learn to ignore his drinking and him destroying himself and his health and learn to take care of yourself. You learn to detach yourself from his drinking and his unhealthy behaviors and begin to withdraw from it for your own sanity.
There really isn't anything more you can do and if you continue to 'help' him to wake up to his problem, show him the light, lecture, plead or 'inform' him of what his drinking is doing to you both, then his drinking will continue and he will continue to blame you for it. Take the focus off him and onto you - you cannot change him but you can change you and that can take up huge amounts of your time doing so, so much time and effort that you will stop thinking and focusing so much on your AH and feel much better in the process. Try it? Its working for me.
I know this scenario very well - my AH who I have known for the past 29 yrs and have been married to for 22 years, recently got sober but relapsed after 3/5 months of sobriety. He seemed to 'get it' when sober but immediately following his relapse his denial kicked in. As sad as it is, I know that I come second to my AH, he chooses to continue to drink and will do so even if it means loosing me, that's his choice and my choice to stay in those circumstances (for now anyway)
How does one deal with this?
You think about you, you put 'you' first, you ignore him and his problems, you focus on 'you' and making 'you' feel better. You get to Al-anon, or read about 'your' recovery, you think about what it will take for 'you' to be able to live with him and his disease, if you' want to. You learn to ignore his drinking and him destroying himself and his health and learn to take care of yourself. You learn to detach yourself from his drinking and his unhealthy behaviors and begin to withdraw from it for your own sanity.
There really isn't anything more you can do and if you continue to 'help' him to wake up to his problem, show him the light, lecture, plead or 'inform' him of what his drinking is doing to you both, then his drinking will continue and he will continue to blame you for it. Take the focus off him and onto you - you cannot change him but you can change you and that can take up huge amounts of your time doing so, so much time and effort that you will stop thinking and focusing so much on your AH and feel much better in the process. Try it? Its working for me.
Persevere, Never give up!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Hi Yesbutnobut, thanks so much for that, i agree fully, whilst he was sober, he did get it and life was almost normal again. I have been trying hard to focus on me, but then he starts saying I do nothing all day, as I am unemployed, I dont have a lot to do, besides cleaning & cooking & there is only so much I can clean! I have absolutely been ignoring him since Thurs eve, after his very drunk state. Unfortunately, again yest. he left at 4pm and only came back 3am, plastered. I totally ignored him, but needed the keys to go to church this am, he had NO CLUE where he put them, We searched everywhere, he then tried to blame other people coming into the house to steal them! I eventually found them outside the front door under a blanket covering some machinery! He just doesnt seem to care! Right now we are doing our thing and he is sleeping! And Ninja at this point i am not sure how functional he is!!!
Sobriety Date: Feb 2009
Join Date: Dec 2009
Location: Osaka, Jpn
Posts: 389
Many normal drinkers drink at home regulary. I think your AH want to drink at home. Fighting is not the answer. JMO, I think you may alow him to drink at home. You can not change him at all. Concentrate to your recovery with your children.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Australia
Posts: 436
Hi Starburst
I do sympathize with you as what I am reading from you is that your AH is currently making you feel very bad with yourself for being unemployed and doing nothing all day, this is all self esteem knocking by your AH and has to stop. Not necessarily from your AH but from within yourself and what you are prepared to put up with.
I have been there too - My AH at times has called me boring, has said that I don't wash enough, all I do is watch TV and am lazy. This of course is verbally abusive and is designed to make me feel worthless because he is feeling worthless. By putting myself first and doing all the things that I mentioned to you to try, I am building up my own self esteem again and realise that I am way better person that he would have me to believe. I also know that Alcoholics who are being told by their wives about how bad they are for drinking, how their drinking makes us feel etc will do anything to take the focus off them so they can continue to drink and that includes verbally abusing you into thinking that you are no good, to make them feel better about themselves. They will do whatever it takes and YOU need to stop listening to it and him because you are doing your absolute best in the circumstances you are faced with. I have come to realise that Alcoholics also 'project' themselves onto you and I believe that my AH is also boring and lazy as all he does is drink, sit and drink, watch tv and drink, listen to music and drink and sits around the house drinking, falling asleep drinking - how boring is that.
Now that I am looking after myself; I am out of the house now at least twice a week, going to Al-anon and a singing group, saying yes when invited out after work with my colleagues and currently looking for more to do volunteering, to detach from my AH and be with 'nice' people. If you make this change, you may find that a job comes your way or that at the very least your life is opened up to new possibilities.
I still love my AH and for the meantime I choose to stay but I cant tell you how much I have improved and my life has improved by putting myself first and not listening to him or putting up with any of his bad mouthing and more importantly not believing it! Please try it, you might be pleasantly surprised.
I do sympathize with you as what I am reading from you is that your AH is currently making you feel very bad with yourself for being unemployed and doing nothing all day, this is all self esteem knocking by your AH and has to stop. Not necessarily from your AH but from within yourself and what you are prepared to put up with.
I have been there too - My AH at times has called me boring, has said that I don't wash enough, all I do is watch TV and am lazy. This of course is verbally abusive and is designed to make me feel worthless because he is feeling worthless. By putting myself first and doing all the things that I mentioned to you to try, I am building up my own self esteem again and realise that I am way better person that he would have me to believe. I also know that Alcoholics who are being told by their wives about how bad they are for drinking, how their drinking makes us feel etc will do anything to take the focus off them so they can continue to drink and that includes verbally abusing you into thinking that you are no good, to make them feel better about themselves. They will do whatever it takes and YOU need to stop listening to it and him because you are doing your absolute best in the circumstances you are faced with. I have come to realise that Alcoholics also 'project' themselves onto you and I believe that my AH is also boring and lazy as all he does is drink, sit and drink, watch tv and drink, listen to music and drink and sits around the house drinking, falling asleep drinking - how boring is that.
Now that I am looking after myself; I am out of the house now at least twice a week, going to Al-anon and a singing group, saying yes when invited out after work with my colleagues and currently looking for more to do volunteering, to detach from my AH and be with 'nice' people. If you make this change, you may find that a job comes your way or that at the very least your life is opened up to new possibilities.
I still love my AH and for the meantime I choose to stay but I cant tell you how much I have improved and my life has improved by putting myself first and not listening to him or putting up with any of his bad mouthing and more importantly not believing it! Please try it, you might be pleasantly surprised.
Persevere, Never give up!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Thanks again, I really do relate to what you are saying, this verbal abuse is the worst. I do try to ignore him best i can, but our house is tiny and even in my room, and him in the kitchen, he will just rant and rave very loudly, so i can hear. I know i am a better person, I try detaching more everyday. I go to church to get out but as its far, Im only allowed once a week, but its all i need, to be with my friends, im on FB everyday, to connect and I have got a half morning job now once a week just to give me an out and change of senerey! It is just that AH behaviour right now is so way different from before, I just not sure how to deal with it all, but I am working on it! For the first time in 12 years he has removed his wedding ring, didnt tell me, I found it where i keep mine when I do washing etc. Have no idea how to take this? I am really confused right now, but as you say, i am working on myself and my kids!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
You think about you, you put 'you' first, you ignore him and his problems, you focus on 'you' and making 'you' feel better. You get to Al-anon, or read about 'your' recovery, you think about what it will take for 'you' to be able to live with him and his disease, if you' want to. You learn to ignore his drinking and him destroying himself and his health and learn to take care of yourself. You learn to detach yourself from his drinking and his unhealthy behaviors and begin to withdraw from it for your own sanity.
There really isn't anything more you can do and if you continue to 'help' him to wake up to his problem, show him the light, lecture, plead or 'inform' him of what his drinking is doing to you both, then his drinking will continue and he will continue to blame you for it. Take the focus off him and onto you - you cannot change him but you can change you and that can take up huge amounts of your time doing so, so much time and effort that you will stop thinking and focusing so much on your AH and feel much better in the process. Try it? Its working for me.
There really isn't anything more you can do and if you continue to 'help' him to wake up to his problem, show him the light, lecture, plead or 'inform' him of what his drinking is doing to you both, then his drinking will continue and he will continue to blame you for it. Take the focus off him and onto you - you cannot change him but you can change you and that can take up huge amounts of your time doing so, so much time and effort that you will stop thinking and focusing so much on your AH and feel much better in the process. Try it? Its working for me.
I imagine this will work with an A who comes home after a night of drinking completely loaded. Who uneventfully drives home, walks in without breaking anything and goes quietly to bed. What world is this??
Alcoholics need to engage and they can be relentless.
It sound to me that Starburst may be a little institutionalize after 28 years. She feels she doesn't deserve a better life for herself, because she has been doing this for so long.
but due to circumstances right now plus others, some being i am unemployed and have no transport, leave me with little decisions in my situation. Also i have known AH for 28 years, and knew of his problem before marriage,
When I separated from my AH (who is now recovering) I had 3 young kids, a part time job, no money in the bank, bills out the as*and living in house that was in foreclosure. It sucked!!!
And I did it on my own without any help from him or anyone else!
If you want something bad enough - you just do it.
No excuses, no whining, no pity party. Cause that makes us no better than the alcoholic and their sorry excuses for drinking.
Yeah - you can spend all your energy to trying to detach and ignore this crazy life your living in -
or you can use that energy to build a new happy life.
Everyone deserve that!
Persevere, Never give up!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Stellenbosch, South Africa
Posts: 882
Hi Christie, no I do not feel institutionlized, i just feel, I have loved this guy most of my life, he was a drinker when i met him, ok, i didnt understand the whole Alcoholic effect then, and he was never a bad person. He comes from a really bad childhood. My father died an A too, and nobody cared less if he was sober or not. I just dont want that for my life, i married him, problems and all, he was sober for 8 years, he has just had a relapse, and I feel it is not something he really wants at all, but seems to have no control over it. In my heart I believe we are married for good, bad and even ugly, if this was turned around, and it could easily be, i would not want him just to leave me without a fight. Soon and very soon i feel all this is going to come to a head, he really is trying to get better, at least it is not a hidden thing anymore, now, there is a chance for healing. Thank you anyway for your input, I do appreciate all input, as i see how different everybody reacts, and how differently alcohol affects people. It is a very cruel and sad disease, especially for non alcoholics to see their loved ones fading away...
same planet...different world
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: Butte, America
Posts: 10,946
Hi Starburst -
I agree that it's time to educate yourself -
but rather than educating yourself on alcoholism
or even allowing the self to 'secretly' believe he will change ...
it's time to learn about codependency.
it's timeto learn about YOU.
this is about taking care of YOU now, hon.
I think some of these posts are speaking to y9ou
from a place of having made a cartain leap of awareness
that you may not yet have done.
Continue to post here,
and you'll learn about it.
I want to assure you that many of these people who're posting here
have gone through the same thing themselves
and what they're posting might seem
scary if you haven't made that step yet.
I hope you'll commit yourself to this education...
there's plenty here ready to help!
I agree that it's time to educate yourself -
but rather than educating yourself on alcoholism
or even allowing the self to 'secretly' believe he will change ...
it's time to learn about codependency.
it's timeto learn about YOU.
this is about taking care of YOU now, hon.
I think some of these posts are speaking to y9ou
from a place of having made a cartain leap of awareness
that you may not yet have done.
Continue to post here,
and you'll learn about it.
I want to assure you that many of these people who're posting here
have gone through the same thing themselves
and what they're posting might seem
scary if you haven't made that step yet.
I hope you'll commit yourself to this education...
there's plenty here ready to help!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: South Africa
Posts: 330
Dear Starburst
Have not been on SR for a ling time - studying . So sorry to hear the news about your husband's relapse. I have been there so many times as the most of us. Best you start educating yourself about addiction/codependency, but if you can manage a little money towards a career even better. The money/jobs do RUN OUT. It mostly does with addiction!
I am currently studying (with money by the grace of God)to become an Montessorian Educater. Through a contact I got an afternoon part time job as a day care worker looking after babies at an aftercare. I am lucky in that I have someone to take care of my own "laatlam" in the afternoons. The money is not much ,but it is a boost to the self confidence- and at that job I can find a new contact maybe for a better job.
Look around for a small little job> anything! Be prepared to start out small. There are jobs available if you are prepared to start very humbly! just do it now while he can still sort of help financially. if he does not get better you will have to anyway!
love from me!!
Have not been on SR for a ling time - studying . So sorry to hear the news about your husband's relapse. I have been there so many times as the most of us. Best you start educating yourself about addiction/codependency, but if you can manage a little money towards a career even better. The money/jobs do RUN OUT. It mostly does with addiction!
I am currently studying (with money by the grace of God)to become an Montessorian Educater. Through a contact I got an afternoon part time job as a day care worker looking after babies at an aftercare. I am lucky in that I have someone to take care of my own "laatlam" in the afternoons. The money is not much ,but it is a boost to the self confidence- and at that job I can find a new contact maybe for a better job.
Look around for a small little job> anything! Be prepared to start out small. There are jobs available if you are prepared to start very humbly! just do it now while he can still sort of help financially. if he does not get better you will have to anyway!
love from me!!
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