Question about detachment
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 81
Question about detachment
Hi everyone!
I've been doing a lot of thinking since I've learned of my AS's warrant for arrest. The question I keep asking myself is - have I detached to the point of actually enabling him? Because I no longer confront him. Example: I took him shopping (he no longer has driver's license) for his daughter's Bday. His unemployment check was late so I bought all of daughter's gifts, with the promise that he would pay me back when he got his check. I did not mind at all doing this, as I wanted my GD to have these gifts and I did it knowing I probably would not see the money again.
Well, he got his check and payed back less than half of what he owed, stating that he wanted to make sure he would have enough money for her party. Whatever.
Well, last night I could smell pot on him. So, that is where the rest of my money went. (up in smoke). I did not say anything to him. I have reached a point that trying to reason with him only interupts my serenity. I could give you countless other examples in the recent past, that I have chosen to not say anything, to save myself the stress, but for the sake of brevity I will just give you this example.
But now I wonder, am I enabling him because he thinks he has gotten away with yet another deception? Should I still confront him, sacrificing my peace in the process?
He claims he is going to turn himself in soon. I have not spoken to him about this since the night he told me about the warrant. Should I start asking him when he is going to do this? Or stay out of it?
I have been working on having a relationship again with my ex DIL, in hopes that she will let me see my GD when AS is in jail. I've just been concentrating on that, instead of obsessing about him.
He is in total denial right now about everything.
Your thoughts will be appreciated. Thanks.
I've been doing a lot of thinking since I've learned of my AS's warrant for arrest. The question I keep asking myself is - have I detached to the point of actually enabling him? Because I no longer confront him. Example: I took him shopping (he no longer has driver's license) for his daughter's Bday. His unemployment check was late so I bought all of daughter's gifts, with the promise that he would pay me back when he got his check. I did not mind at all doing this, as I wanted my GD to have these gifts and I did it knowing I probably would not see the money again.
Well, he got his check and payed back less than half of what he owed, stating that he wanted to make sure he would have enough money for her party. Whatever.
Well, last night I could smell pot on him. So, that is where the rest of my money went. (up in smoke). I did not say anything to him. I have reached a point that trying to reason with him only interupts my serenity. I could give you countless other examples in the recent past, that I have chosen to not say anything, to save myself the stress, but for the sake of brevity I will just give you this example.
But now I wonder, am I enabling him because he thinks he has gotten away with yet another deception? Should I still confront him, sacrificing my peace in the process?
He claims he is going to turn himself in soon. I have not spoken to him about this since the night he told me about the warrant. Should I start asking him when he is going to do this? Or stay out of it?
I have been working on having a relationship again with my ex DIL, in hopes that she will let me see my GD when AS is in jail. I've just been concentrating on that, instead of obsessing about him.
He is in total denial right now about everything.
Your thoughts will be appreciated. Thanks.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2004
Location: The Burgh
Posts: 1,991
I can only speak for me, Wisher, in what my actions have been, or have "caused".
I would also have bought GD gifts, regardless of who was ultimately going to be giving them provided I had the resources to buy them. In the case you mention, to me it would have been about the GD's happy face on her BDay. I also know that I would not have seen the money. But I personally think that a moment of happiness, and a moment of normality (as in a dad giving his child a gift on her BDay) would be worth it.
As far as confronting him, I now find myself needing to calmly mention that I know what is up, then I leave it alone. Your son will have to pay for his mistakes eventually (as will mine who has warrants also) so its best to leave it up to him.
This does not mean, however, that you have to go along being supportive in the meantime. I've dropped most contact with my son, simply because contact means chaos and conflict. He has now made it impossible.
But you do whatever you are comfortable with, reflect on your motives (as you have been) and hope for the best outcome down the road. If it starts messing with your head, it may be time to pull back.
Just my thoughts...
I would also have bought GD gifts, regardless of who was ultimately going to be giving them provided I had the resources to buy them. In the case you mention, to me it would have been about the GD's happy face on her BDay. I also know that I would not have seen the money. But I personally think that a moment of happiness, and a moment of normality (as in a dad giving his child a gift on her BDay) would be worth it.
As far as confronting him, I now find myself needing to calmly mention that I know what is up, then I leave it alone. Your son will have to pay for his mistakes eventually (as will mine who has warrants also) so its best to leave it up to him.
This does not mean, however, that you have to go along being supportive in the meantime. I've dropped most contact with my son, simply because contact means chaos and conflict. He has now made it impossible.
But you do whatever you are comfortable with, reflect on your motives (as you have been) and hope for the best outcome down the road. If it starts messing with your head, it may be time to pull back.
Just my thoughts...
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
It wasn't clear to me if your son is living with you. If he is I would ask him to leave as the warrent directly affects you (people culd be busting your door down to get him). If not, I would ignore his warrents.. they will catch him sooner or later. Your questions won't do anything but invite lies. I think that's maybe why you stopped confronting..don't beleive a word he's gonna say, so why bother? Sounds like concentrating on your granddaughter is a good idea..something positive.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Confronting him about his drug usage serves no purpose.
Confronting him about the money he owes you serves a purpose.
Lending (giving) him money is enabling, not detachment.
No is a complete sentance.
Confronting him about the money he owes you serves a purpose.
Lending (giving) him money is enabling, not detachment.
No is a complete sentance.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 81
Cece, outtolunch and keepinon,
Thanks so much. I appreciate every word. Yes, keepinon, he still lives with me technically but spends a lot of his time at a relatives home too. And yes, I just get so sick of the lies, and it hurts to see how sincere he can make himself appear, such a master at deceipt.
Cynical one - I don't even want to think about that! I don't think that they would be able to prove that I knew about his warrant.
Cece - you are right, seeing my GD open her presents from her daddy was worth everything, and that was my thinking all along, to give her normalcy.
Outtolunch- you come straight to the point, I like that!
Thanks again guys, you made me feel less conflicted.
Thanks so much. I appreciate every word. Yes, keepinon, he still lives with me technically but spends a lot of his time at a relatives home too. And yes, I just get so sick of the lies, and it hurts to see how sincere he can make himself appear, such a master at deceipt.
Cynical one - I don't even want to think about that! I don't think that they would be able to prove that I knew about his warrant.
Cece - you are right, seeing my GD open her presents from her daddy was worth everything, and that was my thinking all along, to give her normalcy.
Outtolunch- you come straight to the point, I like that!
Thanks again guys, you made me feel less conflicted.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 24
(((Wisher)))
I spent a lot of time re-reading the stickies at the top of this site today. It has been YEARS since I read them...especially What Addicts Do by Jon. I remember reading that the night my son was in rehab...the first time. It scared the daylights out of me. I also remember thinking...my son is different. He wasn't....he was sick with this awful disease.
As I was re-reading them...so many memories came flooding back. Some good, some where I was like...yes...I got that. Others, where I was reminded that I forgot a bit. We are all human. Do the best that you can for you and your beautiful GD.
As I was re-reading them...so many memories came flooding back. Some good, some where I was like...yes...I got that. Others, where I was reminded that I forgot a bit. We are all human. Do the best that you can for you and your beautiful GD.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by Wisher 
But now I wonder, am I enabling him because he thinks he has gotten away with yet another deception?
I think enabling is about you doing for him, or instead of him, what he should be doing himself.
Tricky when youngsters are involved. We don't want them to be hurt. I guess I would have given my granddaughter gifts, from me, and let the chips fall where they will with the son. I know that's not what you asked.... And now, in case you weren't sure, you know for certain that should this come up again, he will not be trustworthy.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Wisher
Hi everyone!
The question I keep asking myself is - have I detached to the point of actually enabling him?
But now I wonder, am I enabling him because he thinks he has gotten away with yet another deception? Should I still confront him, sacrificing my peace in the process?
Should I start asking him when he is going to do this? Or stay out of it?
The question I keep asking myself is - have I detached to the point of actually enabling him?
But now I wonder, am I enabling him because he thinks he has gotten away with yet another deception? Should I still confront him, sacrificing my peace in the process?
Should I start asking him when he is going to do this? Or stay out of it?
I don't think it's possible to detach so much that it circles back around to become enabling.
I think I understand your questions in a way. I don't confront my AS when I see him because it is going to start the round and round of back and forth nonsense that comes out of his mouth. I know that confronting him will begin that and if I see him, I just want to try to have some exchange that isn't disruptive to my world. I don't "confront" the non-addicts in my life.
I'm sorry that you're having to try to balance all of those relationships, Wisher. I'm also trying to balance relationships with my AS's ex girlfriend who is also the mother of his son....my grandson. It all gets so difficult and complicated.......and as the paternal grandparent, we sometimes have very little input or control over whether or not we get to see or spend time with our grandchildren.
It sounds like you are doing a great job of trying to balance all of this while trying to keep your sanity.
gentle hugs
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
Since I've probably been at this "addict" thing a lot more years than you have (AS is 47 now) I refuse to do anything to make him look like the "good guy!" His GD's birthday came and we had a party for her. Mind you he asked when and what time and all that, but the day before the party he asked if I would pick her up something, as he didn't get his paycheck!! My answer was NO!
Yes, I wanted her to have gift, but not at the sake of making him look like the hero!! He was furious with me. That was OK with me, 'cause I wasn't really happy with him either.
I knew if I had done that he would never get around to paying me back. Don't get me wrong, I could care less about the money. What I do care about is the "quacking!"
Needless to say, he didn't show up for the party either! In fact, in the 6 months that we have had her, he is been her 3 times! Fine with me 'cause I don't find his visits "carefree and happy!"
I don't bother confronting him with anything, anymore 'cause when he knows he has been CAUGHT, he flies off the handle! I, frankly, don't need the baby to witness his rages! Quite frankly, I don't LIKE him very much!
I SPENT MORE THAN HALF OF MY LIFE RUNNING, JUMPING, AND DOING FOR HIM! STICK A FORK IN ME 'CAUSE I'M DONE!
Hugs, Devastated
Yes, I wanted her to have gift, but not at the sake of making him look like the hero!! He was furious with me. That was OK with me, 'cause I wasn't really happy with him either.
I knew if I had done that he would never get around to paying me back. Don't get me wrong, I could care less about the money. What I do care about is the "quacking!"
Needless to say, he didn't show up for the party either! In fact, in the 6 months that we have had her, he is been her 3 times! Fine with me 'cause I don't find his visits "carefree and happy!"
I don't bother confronting him with anything, anymore 'cause when he knows he has been CAUGHT, he flies off the handle! I, frankly, don't need the baby to witness his rages! Quite frankly, I don't LIKE him very much!
I SPENT MORE THAN HALF OF MY LIFE RUNNING, JUMPING, AND DOING FOR HIM! STICK A FORK IN ME 'CAUSE I'M DONE!
Hugs, Devastated
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hi Wisher. That's an interesting question, "Is it possible to detach so much that we enable?" I cannot answer that.
But I want to reiterate Devastated's point which is this. Yes, i would say you enabled your AS on this one. You made him look like a good provider to his daughter, so in essence you are participating in the lie that tells your grand-daughter that her daddy is a provider. I understand your wanting your grand-daughter to have presents on her birthday. Thank goodness she has you, a loving grandmother! But perhaps next time you could buy those presents for your grand-daughter and have your name only be on the card. That way you are not enabling your AS, you are not participating in the lie that your grand-daughter is going to know about someday, you are building a relationship with your grand-daughter, and you are building a relationship with your DIL (by loving her child).
Hope that helps.
But I want to reiterate Devastated's point which is this. Yes, i would say you enabled your AS on this one. You made him look like a good provider to his daughter, so in essence you are participating in the lie that tells your grand-daughter that her daddy is a provider. I understand your wanting your grand-daughter to have presents on her birthday. Thank goodness she has you, a loving grandmother! But perhaps next time you could buy those presents for your grand-daughter and have your name only be on the card. That way you are not enabling your AS, you are not participating in the lie that your grand-daughter is going to know about someday, you are building a relationship with your grand-daughter, and you are building a relationship with your DIL (by loving her child).
Hope that helps.
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Calif
Posts: 1,007
EXACTLY!
I can understand your feelings, believe me, I wanted everyone at the party to think my son was a good grandfather too; however, I refuse to make him appear to be "larger" than he is! Done that for too many years!
Whatever his grandaughter ends up thinking about him, will be his doing not mine! Quite frankly, I don't even think they care about anyone but themselves! It's a drug thing!
Shame on him!
Hugs, Devastated
I can understand your feelings, believe me, I wanted everyone at the party to think my son was a good grandfather too; however, I refuse to make him appear to be "larger" than he is! Done that for too many years!
Whatever his grandaughter ends up thinking about him, will be his doing not mine! Quite frankly, I don't even think they care about anyone but themselves! It's a drug thing!
Shame on him!
Hugs, Devastated
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