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A Question, A Request and a little about me

Old 08-26-2010, 10:10 PM
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A Question, A Request and a little about me

Hi.

I only came across this site about a week ago, but the reading I have done here has already been tremendously helpful - so thanks for that everyone.

I stopped drinking alcohol this past Monday, 8/24/10. I'm 34 years old and for the last 10 years I've been developing into a "functional" alcoholic. My behavior was a very consistent minimum 4 drinks every evening w/ some occasional social binges.

The decision was made for three primary reasons.
1. My ability to feel really excited and anxious about anything has been so muted for the past 5 years it is frustrating. I never get those creative bursts of motivation I used to have and it's hard for me to find anything cool or interesting.

2. Tired of spending the first 5 hours of my day foggy in the head with a sometimes small or big hangover. Only to wait another 5 to feed my body more alcohol so I can fall asleep on the couch watching TV at 8:00pm. (that's my routine, pretty boring, ask my girlfriend - she hates it!)

3. For the past couple of years I've started to get these weird injuries and nagging physical problems. I've been an athlete my entire life and my sport is still a very big part of what defines me. I push my body hard enough and I don't want the added burden of working through pain that I don't need to.

It wasn't until recently that I finally admitted to myself that I have a problem. Sure, I had thought about it many times in the past, on more than one occasion saying to myself, "Man, I think I might be an alcoholic". Once I started doing some reading and understanding the biology of the disease, the types of alcoholics, and the physical impacts I had a good start. BUT - the recognition came when I started to think about my behavior over the past 10 years and saying "Holy CRAP, it's been 10 years!". And the icing on the cake was to understand how the disease is progressive. These are the reasons I know I am an alcoholic:
1. My drinking length and pattern.

2. I've said no less than 50 times in the past 10 years that I want to stop drinking, only to come back to it after various periods of sobriety (my longest was about 4 months)

3. When I had stopped those times, I had definite physical withdrawal symptoms.

So, after connecting all the dots and doing a little reflecting it became very klar (the German word for clear), that I am an alcoholic.

Now I have a question and a request.

My question is - are there any good resources online or off, that my girlfriend could read to understand the disease from the perspective of someone who doesn't suffer from it? She is the first person, and only person thus far (besides all of you) that I have told. It was clear she didn't get it because she said "You're not an alcoholic" and "So you mean you can't ever drink a beer or glass of wine again?"

My request is - I want to tell my family (parents and sister), but I'm not sure how to do it. I live and work out of the country, so I don't physically see them very often. I will see all of them on a short vacation in late September and I want to take the opportunity to tell them. There is a complication, in that my father suffers from a very similar situation except that I know he's not quite ready to admit it. He and I are close and I'm hoping my coming clean will help and motivate him. If anyone has any advice or experiences to share about telling your family you have a problem, I would appreciate reading those. Even posting a link of a good story or experience is fine.

Thanks for taking the time to read all of this!

I'm here for support and to support others. It's great to know there are other people just like me.

Thanks

Clay
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Old 08-26-2010, 10:35 PM
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Welcome to our recovery comunity......

I doubt experiences will be very useful for you but...
I too lived far away from my non drinking parents.
When...by phone...I told my Mother I had quit
and was attending AA......I got a

"hmmm...that's nice Did you go to church today?"

As far as explaining to non alcoholics about alcoholism
you might find this book helpful.

Alcoholics Anonymous :

And...these are interesting

http://www.time.com/time/magazine/ar...640436,00.html

http://www.dirkhanson.org/neuroaddiction.html

I'm sure others will be along with their expereinces
and information recommendations.

Blessings to you and your lady

Last edited by CarolD; 08-26-2010 at 11:43 PM. Reason: Links Added
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Old 08-26-2010, 10:43 PM
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Hi Klar, welcome aboard

Sounds like you're facing this thing square on, and arming yourself with helpful information - good for you!

You may find the links in the thread below interesting, and some of them may help your girlfriend better understand what alcohol does to us;

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...rch-links.html

Murray
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Old 08-26-2010, 10:44 PM
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Hi Clay

My family experience was similar to Carol's...I think only you can know your family and know the ramifications of telling them. I'm sure others with closer families will be along to share their stories

As I'm an alcoholic I'm not sure what book would best explain it to someone else, but I found 'Drinking a Love Story' by Caroline Knapp was very similar to my own experience in a lot of ways

welcome to SR Clay!
D

Last edited by Dee74; 08-26-2010 at 11:03 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 08-26-2010, 10:56 PM
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I'm close to my family, but have only told my wife. I figure this is a really personal path I'm on (54 days sober) and am focusing on myself. They've made some comments here and there like, "Drinking vitamins today are you?" when I had virgin caesars, or "What, are you crazy?" when I turned down a beer for a pop, but nobody has outright asked me if I've quit drinking yet.

I found this helpful because I was under enough pressure as it was, without knowing everybody was watching my every move. But hey, that's me, and your family situation might be very different.

Murray
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Old 08-27-2010, 04:29 AM
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The friends and family of alcoholics forum might help your gf. Here's the link

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ly-alcoholics/


Welcome to SR!
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Old 08-27-2010, 04:54 AM
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Welcome to SR.

I think that the links you've been offered will provide whatever information is necessary.

IMO, it might be wise to simply let people know that you've stopped drinking, that you've decided it was unhealthy for you. I suspect that friends and family members react to the label "alcoholic," while they may not have any strong feelings about you're simply ceasing to drink.

In my extended family, hardly anyone drinks alcohol, and there is to my knowledge no one who identifies themselves as either alcoholics or addicts. The truth is....non-drinkers aren't so rare at all. My mother, who is 95 years old (god bless her) stopped drinking alcohol about 60 years ago, and to my knowledge,, no one has ever questioned her on it or even commented. She is IMO not an alcoholic, nor did she frame her abstinence in that way.

What's so confusing about someone simply wanting to stop putting a toxic substance into their body. Would they object if you decided to stop eating red meat?

blessings
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Old 08-27-2010, 06:46 AM
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Originally Posted by zbear
What's so confusing about someone simply wanting to stop putting a toxic substance into their body. Would they object if you decided to stop eating red meat?
I think a lot of people see someone who is not drinking (or eating red meat) and take it personally. Maybe they see it as a challenge to their right to drink alcohol or eat red meat. They might even see someone else's abstinence as a silent judgement on their behavior. Most people want to do what everybody else in the room is doing. I really don't know; I'm just speculating. I've seen people act funny about it enough to wonder why, though.

Klar - Congratulations on your quit. This is a big step. You asked about literature for your girlfriend. Nobody has mentioned the AA Big Book, yet. This is the book titled Alcoholics Anonymous. Whether or not you choose to go the AA route, you and your girlfriend might both find some useful information in this book.

I think the problem you're going to run into with memoirs and books on alcoholism is that you don't sound like the kind of out of control drunk many of these books portray. I fear your girlfriend would say, "But, Klar, this isn't you. So you're not an alcoholic. You just need to refrain from drinking every single day." Which would probably be even more frustrating to you. Some advice I've heard over and over on SR, though, is, "focus on the similarities, not the differences."

I wish you the best of luck.
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Old 08-27-2010, 08:29 AM
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Klar, if your drinking is not affecting your family, why would not drinking be a big impact item for them? I would be a little cautious about tattooing a big red A on your forehead. Alcoholism as a label carries a lot of baggage and misunderstanding. When you tell us you are an alcoholic, we know what you mean. When you tell someone else, it may mean something entirely different. In many respects non-addicts have no idea what it is like to be addicted, anymore than I know what it is like to be blind. Empathy has limits.

I am about six weeks sober. Like Murray, I have talked with my wife about not drinking. Some time in the next month or so I will talk with my sons about it. If a close friend or other family brought it up, I would likely talk about it to a certain extent. For me, it is like talking about religion, there are very few people I would discuss either topic in depth with because the conversation is intricate and takes some effort from both parties, it is very personal and requires trust, and frankly very few people actually care what I think.

Whomever you talk to, make sure you are doing for the right reasons. I have known many people who wear the addiction label a little too proudly. It gives them an excuse to screw up later and put the blame on the disease.
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Old 08-27-2010, 08:34 AM
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Klar, a big welcome to you!

I think Zbear and Lilda (and all the others) make good points about family. I'm in a very similar situation to yours in terms of family. I've been sober a little over four months now and seen them a couple times (usually I don't see them that often, since I live far away). I think you should do whatever you think will be best for dealing with your family; for my family, I did not want to make them feel defensive, because I did not want to be criticized, so I keep things to a minimum -- "I'm not drinking right now" and then "I'm still not drinking." I've talked to them a little bit more in small doses about why, but the truth is that at the end of the day some of my family members have an image of "alcoholism" as meaning you're in the gutter with no teeth left, and, to be blunt, they have that image to protect themselves from thinking about their own drinking. It's not my job to convert them or teach them how to live . . . I do hope that if they are considering changing their ways I can be a good example, but that's about all I can hope. Good luck. I know how difficult this can be.
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Old 08-27-2010, 08:59 AM
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Welcome Klar,

I sure know the struggle you're having regarding telling your family that you're not drinking now. What I discovered with my family is that I was much more concerned about it, I carried more negativity about it in my head than they did. I also found that they were so wrapped up in their own dramas that my attempts to discuss my "problem" were kinda brushed aside, which was fine by me. I just let it go and now only discuss it with interested parties.

Hope you have a great visit.
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Old 08-27-2010, 09:22 AM
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Big welcome to you Klar:
As far as telling your family all I can say is that my experience is that you don't really have to do this unless you feel comfortable doing it. All you need say if offered a drink is "I'm doing only soft drinks for awhile because that makes it easier for me to work out and do the training for my physical stuff, etc." There is no rule which requires you to drink just because other folks are doing that. And if they pressure you you can just laugh it off. Josh them back, etc. I once had a friend who insisted at dinner time that I disclose everything about myself, since, he said, "he understood all about it" (his son is a recovering alcoholic). I just said, "I'd rather not discuss personal stuff if you don't mind so let's just change the subject." He did. Just don't make it into a big deal and they'll back off. And if they don't then you may find useful what AA says about "People, Places and Things". If any of these interfere with your sobriety, then you don't have to put up with that. Make your own plans. Don't permit other folks to tell you how you're going to live your life. Same thing goes for your friend. Sure, recommend some stuff for her to read but if she doesn't "get it", then you can laugh and say, "Hey! I guess you don't "get it"! (Like some men who keep thinking that women should stay in the kitchen, cook, look beautiful and shut up. They don't "get it" either. Too bad for them.).
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Old 08-27-2010, 10:05 AM
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Welcome Clay.

I also quit on 8/24. I can absolute relate to your top #1 and #2. 100% Cheering you on from this end!
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Old 08-27-2010, 10:12 AM
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Klar: Been thinking it over some more and let me add a P.S. to my earlier message. You probably know or sense that there are folks, either in or out of your family, who for one reason or another, may not "get it" and even may not really want to "get it". The latter may have their own personal agendas, such as maintaining a group of drinking buddies, or maybe seeking companionship which covers up or rationalizes their own hidden fears about the way they drink. So they may express doubt or try to persuade you that you don't have a problem with alcohol. All I can say is "Figure out what you want to do with your life. Don't buy into their stuff!" You're the boss. Don't let them influence you as to what you want to do. For example, if you don't want to drink then don't take "just one glass of wine, beer, etc." just to please them or to "fit in".
The second thing is this. What I wouldn't give to turn the clock back and be right where you are now! You have the intelligence and know how to realize that you may have a problem with alcohol. You seem to be in the early stages. Not so much time has gone by that your ailment has built up those walls of denial which make it so hard later on to change. When those walls get really high then it may take something truly horrible, like jail, killing someone by accident, losing a job, losing a spouse or companion, etc. to "hit bottom". You may not have to go through all that. I only wish that, sixty years ago, I had been where you were and that I had had the good sense to do what you are thinking about doing.
Good for you! Congratulations and every good wish in the world!

wp
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Old 08-27-2010, 03:27 PM
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Hi Clay -- glad you found us! I thought I would give you a link to some articles on alcoholism:http://howistoppeddrinking.org/to-dr...e-internal-war

I used to promise myself I'd stop, too, and found it hard to get even 2 or 3 days sober in a row. You're not alone. Keep posting and reading - we're all here for each other, which now includes you, too!
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Old 08-27-2010, 03:46 PM
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Hi and Welcome!

I chose to not tell anyone that I was quitting drinking.

I wanted my husband and kids to see the difference in me.

For me, the decision to not drink alcohol is very personal, and I did not tell anyone in my family and there has never been a need to tell them.
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Old 08-27-2010, 04:12 PM
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Hi, Klar,

One other book I recommend that does a very good job of explaining what alcoholism is, is "Under the Influence." There's a collection of excerpts from the book here. The whole book is very educational--I loaned it to my boss once, when we were concerned about a co-worker who was showing all the symptoms. The book explains very clearly what the disease is (so far as it's understood, which is to say not completely).

What I have shared with family members has been pretty much on a "need to know" basis and also has varied with the length of my sobriety. I didn't tell ANYONE in my family until I had 90 days sober (if I'd been married or living with someone I probably would have told that person), mainly because I wanted to feel like I was off to a good, solid beginning first. I first told my ex-husband, who has been sober 30 years. We are still good friends and he has been VERY supportive. A month or so later I told my college-age kids (who live out of State with their dad). I told them when I was visiting them for Christmas. They thought it was good I quit drinking, but they think AA is "weird". I haven't told my brother because I see him about once a year and talk to him only three or four times a year. I haven't told my dad because I rarely see him, he never saw me drinking to excess, and at 81 years old it would only be one more thing for him to worry about. If I had a good reason to tell my brother, I would.

Glad to have you here with us.
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Old 08-27-2010, 04:25 PM
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Welcome to SR Clay,

I'm glad that it became clear to you that you have a problem with alcohol and that you decided to do something about it. I can relate to several of the points in your list, and also to the situation of not living close to your family/ not knowing how to tell those close to me and living outside of my home country. (I actually live in Germany too, maybe that's why I immediately understood your nickname)

I think there has already been some good advice and links. I can only add some of my own story: I remember that in early sobriety I felt a strong urge to tell people close to me what was going on. My parents know that I don't drink any alcohol anymore and I didn't even have to say anything, they just noticed the positive changes in my attitude towards life. Because of the distance, and because they never saw me drunk , I am not sure how much they knew about the extent of my drinking- but they must have sensed that something wasn't right with me. I was torn because I didn't want them to worry and after a lot of consideration I decided to not bring it up unless they would. Many other people around me who might not even have known I about my drinking have noticed the positive change anyways and I didn't need to say it. Do what feels right to you and if it doesn't no need to rush things.

I have now been sober for roughly 14 months and I have only told a handful of people so far, most of the time I just did it when I felt I was ready and that the time and situation felt right. I was really lucky that so far, everyone has taken me seriously and been understanding and supportive.

I think for many non-alcoholics it is just hard to comprehend that it is not a thing of self-discipline and that "drinking just one occasionally", or just "stopping after a couple" does not work for alcoholics like us, because for them it is not a problem. And it is hard for a non-alcoholic to understand how one could continue to drink although it makes one suffer. I wish you that your girlfriend will be able to better understand what you are going through once she has read some information about it.

Especially in the beginning it is important focus on your sobriety and getting better, and the rest will work itself out over time too. Keep reading and posting, ther will be a lot of people here to support you. I wish you all the best and a lot of courage,
LS
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Old 09-06-2010, 02:30 AM
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Quick Update

Hi all.

Sorry for the delay. Thanks so much for the replies, comments, suggestions, and support!

I'm on Day 12 and doing pretty well. The past 12 days have been challenging. Last week I was at the largest tradeshow in our industry, and social drinking in the evenings is the norm. Yesterday was the first evening where I didn't feel like I wanted a drink around 6:00pm. The rest of the days I've had cravings and the thought of a drink often popped in my head. I've been very tired and getting lots of sleep. That and the cravings are the only physical issues I have dealt with. I had a little "creative" explaining to do with the work crowd as to why I was drinking soda and not beer. After the first couple of days, the "got it" and weren't offering.

On the positive side I definately feel better both physically and mentally. I'm not as crabby, aggitated, or annoyed by certain things. I can feel creativity and excitement coming back. I've lost a few pounds eventhough I was eating out the entire last week.

I've got a couple weeks here at home and then I travel to Las Vegas for another tradeshow. I'm bringing my girlfriend as her birhtday present. I'm confident that I can make it through this next test without any problems, but it will be challenging nevertheless.

Thanks again to everyone. I hope to have some positive updates in the near future.

My best to all of you.
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Old 09-06-2010, 05:36 AM
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Glad to hear it's going well for you. Keep us posted!
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