jerect

I filed for divorce last week and I have been sitting here wondering if I should contact my MIL and tell her the whole truth of the situation.. I know my AH has told her many things but not the truth.. Not the truth of how sick he is and not the truth that it will take far more then detox to make things better.

My MIL like my AH is in denial about AH's addiction. I wrote her a long letter explaining why I filed for divorce and telling her that I feel like my AH's problem is far worse then anyone can imagine. I even enclosed pictures of my AH's living space to show her that he is still in his disease.

However, I'm having second thoughts on mailing it. Number one, my inlaws have not contacted me once to ask me what was going on, we used to be so close and now are relationship is strained. Number two, my AH asked me not to contact his parents and tell them my side of the story so I'm trying to honor his requests and number three, I'm trying to ask myself what my motives are for sending this letter. I personally want to see my AH get some kind of help other then detox and hopefully someplace new to stay really soon because I don't want to have to force him out legally once the Divorce is final.

Any suggestions?

suki44883

I agree with checking your motives for sending it. Why the pictures? Are you trying to make sure they know YOUR side of the situation? Why? Does it really matter? If it were me, I wouldn't send it. Sometimes we just have to accept the fact that we don't always get the last word and don't always get to explain our side.

MsPINKAcres

((jerect))

Honey ~ You know your truth, you know the reality of the situation, you know the facts.

When I went thru my divorce and the few years prior - I learned a tough lesson - no matter what I said, did, proved, or revealed to some people - they opted to believe what they wanted - it is their right.

I couldn't MAKE them see anything.

So regardless of what anyone else thinks of me, my situation, or choices ~ I have to do what is right and healthy and directed by MY HP for my path. Some will understand and agree - some will not. Either way - I have the power to not allow it to affect me.

It's not always easy to think and feel this way - but it is a goal to strive toward daily!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

jerect

Ahh Yes, i suppose y'all are right.
I need to just accept the fact that I may not get closure or validation from my inlaws and that is ok.

I know the truth and that is all that matters.. perhaps my AH and his family still have some growing to do and some lesssons to learn but it's not my job to teach them these things.. like me they have to learn from their own experiances.

I think I will opt out of sending the letter and instead leave the printed sheets of the rehab facility on the table for my AH.. that way he can make a choice on his on free will and I can keep my hands to myself and continue to work on me>

Freedom1990

I spent years trying to get my parents to see how sick my AD was, and banging my head against the wall in the process.

I wanted their validation. I wanted them to say, "You're right."

When I finally accepted that was never going to happen, and that I knew the truth, things were much better. Sending you lots of gentle hugs.

ThatLittleGirl

I thought about engaging my IL's as well...but through feedback here...decided against it. I've come to realize that there's nothing I can tell them that will get through and make an impact. They enabled exah throughout his childhood and will continue to do so today. Since I've moved in with my parents (they live in the same town), they have yet to ask me anything or try to get answers...i.e. why exah lost his job or why I've moved in with my parents. At one point my fil made a comment about how "spaced out" my exah was...I tried to open a dialog at that point, and he completely shut it down...just walked away and tried to pretend it wasn't that bad. I don't know what my exah has told them...and really at this point I don't care...we're divorced and it's none of my business anymore. I know the truth...I know what his addiction has done to me and the girls, and that's all I need to know.

So, my advice to you is say nothing...now if they come to you sincerely and want to know...ask to be involved...that's one thing. But if they keep the distance that they seem to be keeping, I'm inclined to believe they don't want to know the truth. And if that's the case, the letter and the pictures will never be enough to overcome their denial!!!!

I wish you the best!!!

Ann

Validation is something we all need, especially after hiding the truth for so long, after being told we are crazy and imagining what we know to be the truth.

Validation begins within. When we know what we know, when we can look at our situation with clear vision, we really don`t need to be validated by anyone else.

A valuable gift that recovery has given me is the ability to stand in my own truth, even if I stand alone. How freeing that is.

Maybe tuck the letter away, give it thought in a few weeks and see if you feel any real need for them to hear your side of the story. It`s your story, your truth, and my guess is that you may feel differently about sending it in the near future.

Hugs

sofacat

I did that. My expectations exceeded the reality of what became of my "purging".

I was really looking for "back up". Help, if you will.
I forgot that no one can help the addict BUT the addict. Not even their parents.

In the end... they have NO CONTACT with Me... and I have finally found a place of peace with it all.

Everyone's journey is their own...we reach our destinations in our own time.
They're on their own path as I am on mine.

Good that you wrote it all down and got it out. I agree with Ann... tuck it away. Save it for yourself for later. It helps when you can see how far you have come with yourself.

Day at a time.

And Ann~" A valuable gift that recovery has given me is the ability to stand in my own truth, even if I stand alone. How freeing that is."

Thank you for that.