Regrets
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: UK
Posts: 2,937
Regrets
I just wondered if anyone could help me.
I went through a period of heavy drinking and of course I did regrettable things. I never lost my job (nearly though) or relationship (nearly tough) or drove under the influence. But I really did lots of regrettable things that caused others hurt, caused me hurt, really damaged my reputation at work etc etc.
I work in a job that often requires staying away from home and everyone is expected to gather in the bar for drinks in the evening.
I have suffered from anxiety and depression, low self esteem. Before I realised that drinking made these worse, I often drank to help ease these feelings especially at work functions. Hence the ridiculous behaviour. I feel that I am not trusted at work. That when the company has a meeting all eyes are on me that I'm going to get drunk. I feel I am never going to be allowed to forget the embarassing events from the past. Some colleagues like to remind me about events which of course makes the anxiety much much worse.
I suppose I was hoping for some words of comfort or advice.
I wake up continually in the night reminding myself of drunk episodes and that my boss must hate me and they all want rid of me. That colleagues must be talking about me and think I am ridiculous. Can you ever regain your reputation at work.
It gives me pains in my chest and causes severe anxiety, despite medication to help it and the doctor being aware. Its just making me unhappy. I want to withdraw from the world and never speak to anyone again.
I just cannot believe I let booze do this to my life. I feel so ashamed.
Thanks
xx
I went through a period of heavy drinking and of course I did regrettable things. I never lost my job (nearly though) or relationship (nearly tough) or drove under the influence. But I really did lots of regrettable things that caused others hurt, caused me hurt, really damaged my reputation at work etc etc.
I work in a job that often requires staying away from home and everyone is expected to gather in the bar for drinks in the evening.
I have suffered from anxiety and depression, low self esteem. Before I realised that drinking made these worse, I often drank to help ease these feelings especially at work functions. Hence the ridiculous behaviour. I feel that I am not trusted at work. That when the company has a meeting all eyes are on me that I'm going to get drunk. I feel I am never going to be allowed to forget the embarassing events from the past. Some colleagues like to remind me about events which of course makes the anxiety much much worse.
I suppose I was hoping for some words of comfort or advice.
I wake up continually in the night reminding myself of drunk episodes and that my boss must hate me and they all want rid of me. That colleagues must be talking about me and think I am ridiculous. Can you ever regain your reputation at work.
It gives me pains in my chest and causes severe anxiety, despite medication to help it and the doctor being aware. Its just making me unhappy. I want to withdraw from the world and never speak to anyone again.
I just cannot believe I let booze do this to my life. I feel so ashamed.
Thanks
xx
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 32
Hey there! Please know that you are not alone. I think all of us in recovery have many, many regrettable moments. I know that I do! Even in sobriety I have done some stupid things.
All you can do is stay sober one day at a time and make living amends by staying clean. I can tell you that time does heal those feelings but it took some time for me to release them. Maybe a year or so. You and your colleagues will find a new found respect for you over time. You didn't loose your job so you can just start fresh and begin to move upward from here on. It takes guts to deal with the vibes you are getting but be gentle with yourself and know that others will see the changes.
All you can do is stay sober one day at a time and make living amends by staying clean. I can tell you that time does heal those feelings but it took some time for me to release them. Maybe a year or so. You and your colleagues will find a new found respect for you over time. You didn't loose your job so you can just start fresh and begin to move upward from here on. It takes guts to deal with the vibes you are getting but be gentle with yourself and know that others will see the changes.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 38
I'm the opposite of you, in that, I am isolated much of the time. Yet, I turn to booze to help me get past the fact that life is passing me by. *Was* passing me by.
In your situation, it is hard. That corporate atmosphere where you are supposed to go to the bar and rub elbows and network. It's hard not to drink. Especially with depression and anxiety. Is there another department in your company that you could transfer to? Maybe a position that (even with a paycut) required far less travel? That would help tremendously.
Don't beat yourself up. Like Dini said, you can only take steps in a forward direction one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
In your situation, it is hard. That corporate atmosphere where you are supposed to go to the bar and rub elbows and network. It's hard not to drink. Especially with depression and anxiety. Is there another department in your company that you could transfer to? Maybe a position that (even with a paycut) required far less travel? That would help tremendously.
Don't beat yourself up. Like Dini said, you can only take steps in a forward direction one day, one hour, one minute at a time.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Between Serenity and Despair
Posts: 522
Though we have very different lives (from the sounds of it), I can sympathize. I often replay drunk episodes and just cringe with shame. Then, that old paranoid alcoholic rises up in my brain and starts screaming anxious-making statements. By the time the whole rat race has run three circuits around my brain, I'm practically panting with anxiety.
You've got to tell yourself to let it go. The damage is done, and there is no way you're ever going to be able to change things. If you work through a recovery program that requires you to make amends for your wrong-doing, you might get a chance to apologize to people. Even then, you can't make them forgive you. And you sure can't make them forget.
The important thing is that you did something a lot of people never do. You kicked your demon/lover/alcohol/best friend to the curb. You're taking a stand against something that was ruining your life. You're doing d@mn good, in my opinion.
Have you tried any meditation? That might be a good way for you to learn how to get a clear mind and to let go of all the clutter. I am fairly new to meditation, but, here's a thread where everybody talked about their own methods.
Will exercise give you some relief? Some people can exercise until their brains quit running. I'm not lucky enough for that, but it might work for you.
When I first got sober, I suffered from bone crushing anxiety. I even imagined people in the neighborhood were plotting against me. I have come to understand reading the threads at SR that it's a normal part of the process.
My words of comfort: It is likely your anxiety will lessen. Perhaps it will pass all together. Your brain and body will heal. You'll start to see things with more clarity. All you have to do is give yourself time AND work on your recovery.
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you tougher.
You've got to tell yourself to let it go. The damage is done, and there is no way you're ever going to be able to change things. If you work through a recovery program that requires you to make amends for your wrong-doing, you might get a chance to apologize to people. Even then, you can't make them forgive you. And you sure can't make them forget.
The important thing is that you did something a lot of people never do. You kicked your demon/lover/alcohol/best friend to the curb. You're taking a stand against something that was ruining your life. You're doing d@mn good, in my opinion.
Have you tried any meditation? That might be a good way for you to learn how to get a clear mind and to let go of all the clutter. I am fairly new to meditation, but, here's a thread where everybody talked about their own methods.
Will exercise give you some relief? Some people can exercise until their brains quit running. I'm not lucky enough for that, but it might work for you.
When I first got sober, I suffered from bone crushing anxiety. I even imagined people in the neighborhood were plotting against me. I have come to understand reading the threads at SR that it's a normal part of the process.
My words of comfort: It is likely your anxiety will lessen. Perhaps it will pass all together. Your brain and body will heal. You'll start to see things with more clarity. All you have to do is give yourself time AND work on your recovery.
Whatever doesn't kill you makes you tougher.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
Have you quit drinking, Sasha? Are you in a program?
AA's 12-Step program is designed to get you free of that emotional baggage we carry around after years of drinking.
We've ALL done things we regretted while drinking. Without those moments, most of us wouldn't be motivated to quit before we were dead! Looking at it that way, it's good that we get the "wake-up call" of embarrassment before something worse happens.
It takes time to live down what people think of us, but you can earn back their respect. It doesn't happen overnight, but it DOES happen.
AA's 12-Step program is designed to get you free of that emotional baggage we carry around after years of drinking.
We've ALL done things we regretted while drinking. Without those moments, most of us wouldn't be motivated to quit before we were dead! Looking at it that way, it's good that we get the "wake-up call" of embarrassment before something worse happens.
It takes time to live down what people think of us, but you can earn back their respect. It doesn't happen overnight, but it DOES happen.
Ethanol Intolerant
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Cascadia
Posts: 665
Hi Sasha, Scroll down to secular connections forum and look at the thread "Why Are We Happy". There is a link to a video that may interest you. Basically, if it happened more than three months ago it really doesn't affect your present happiness. This includes seemingly life changes events like becoming a paraplegic or winning the lottery.
Now If your coworkers won't let it go, I could see that being a longer term problem, but you have to begin by forgiving yourself.
Now If your coworkers won't let it go, I could see that being a longer term problem, but you have to begin by forgiving yourself.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,366
Hi Sasha
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Like many of us, I became a solitary drinker, in part I think, to avoid 'comebacks'...but I think the process is the same for all of us.
I used to be the neighbourhood drunk and 'that drunk uncle'.
It didn't happen overnight (I didn't steal that from Lexie honest
) but I'm not either of those things anymore.
We stop drinking...we draw a line under the past...and then we start to rebuild our reputation by being who we really are, not who we were.
D
I'm sorry you're going through this.
Like many of us, I became a solitary drinker, in part I think, to avoid 'comebacks'...but I think the process is the same for all of us.
I used to be the neighbourhood drunk and 'that drunk uncle'.
It didn't happen overnight (I didn't steal that from Lexie honest
) but I'm not either of those things anymore.We stop drinking...we draw a line under the past...and then we start to rebuild our reputation by being who we really are, not who we were.
D
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: midwest
Posts: 20
I have been through the exact same situation - it was many years ago. I quit my job, got a job working overnights, and basically hid out from the world for 4 years. It didn't help. It only made for more time to think and drink, alone.
I have returned to the job that I quit so many years ago. And you know what? People only remember the good stuff now, all the bad stuff kinda just fades away in time. Everyone has their demons, we're right there with ya. You're not alone! Just keep walking that sober walk with us, and I guarantee things will get better for you. I used to feel anxious all the time. Now it's subsiding. Thanks for sharing your story.
I have returned to the job that I quit so many years ago. And you know what? People only remember the good stuff now, all the bad stuff kinda just fades away in time. Everyone has their demons, we're right there with ya. You're not alone! Just keep walking that sober walk with us, and I guarantee things will get better for you. I used to feel anxious all the time. Now it's subsiding. Thanks for sharing your story.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Are you seeing a counselor to help you sort out
your feelings?
That might be useful.
I do find prayer immensley comforting and calming.
My shame and guilt were over when I did my AA
Steps 4 & 5.
Sorry to know of your distress......
your feelings?
That might be useful.
I do find prayer immensley comforting and calming.
My shame and guilt were over when I did my AA
Steps 4 & 5.
Sorry to know of your distress......
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 302
That must be really difficult to go through. I can only imagine the pain your past behavior is causing you. But.. it is the past. The past always fades in time, as long as you move forward and learn from your mistakes by NOT drinking, especially around coworkers. Be strong and if you have to refrain from those evenings of cocktails, then do so. Stay in your hotel room and watch a movie, order room service, then log onto SR Go for a run or walk. You can't change what they're thinking right now, but you can change how they think of you in the future. you CAN do this!! We all have done things we regret doing while drunk. It's about learning from it and changing ourselves for the better. I replay all the stupid things I've done in my head, but only to accept that it was my past and my past is what makes me better today. I'm going on 8 days today!!
I hope you find this site very helpful. You can do it for yourself and you will gain a better reputation at work. Just takes some time. You will have more confidence in yourself at work and around your colleagues the more you do NOT drink. It will happen!!
Make them think of the work you do, not what you did at the bar. Good luck and WELCOME!!!
Go for a run or walk. You can't change what they're thinking right now, but you can change how they think of you in the future. you CAN do this!! We all have done things we regret doing while drunk. It's about learning from it and changing ourselves for the better. I replay all the stupid things I've done in my head, but only to accept that it was my past and my past is what makes me better today. I'm going on 8 days today!! I hope you find this site very helpful. You can do it for yourself and you will gain a better reputation at work. Just takes some time. You will have more confidence in yourself at work and around your colleagues the more you do NOT drink. It will happen!!
Make them think of the work you do, not what you did at the bar. Good luck and WELCOME!!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 37
If you've quit drinking now, how about telling your co-workers about your problem? It might help reduce your shame a little bit. It might also help you get through those evenings when everybody else is drinking.
I was scared of telling my boss that I had a drinking problem. But he took it really well, and told me he knew several people who had discovered that they could no longer drink.
I was scared of telling my boss that I had a drinking problem. But he took it really well, and told me he knew several people who had discovered that they could no longer drink.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Somewhere
Posts: 138
Originally Posted by Sasha4 
I wake up continually in the night reminding myself of drunk episodes and that my boss must hate me and they all want rid of me. That colleagues must be talking about me and think I am ridiculous. Can you ever regain your reputation at work.
Not to sound mean or callous, but honestly they probably never think of you. People tend to be self-centered and think, "what do others think of me?" much more often then they think about others (whether the thoughts are good or bad).
All you need to do is continue to do your job and show them through actions (e.g. not drinking at the bar) that you are a changed person. If they bring up a former transgression just fall back to a very simple, "yea...that was a bad idea ha ha." You acknowledge it happened, it was bad, but that you are over it.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: North Texas
Posts: 39
Sasha,
I'm doubt that I'm alone on this.....I have a lot of respect for a person who realizes they have a problem and does something about it.
Who knows, the same co-workers who gather for drinks may be secretly wondering if they have a problem.
It will probably take a little time, but showing them you've changed by your actions, will probably quieten them down.
I'm doubt that I'm alone on this.....I have a lot of respect for a person who realizes they have a problem and does something about it.
Who knows, the same co-workers who gather for drinks may be secretly wondering if they have a problem.
It will probably take a little time, but showing them you've changed by your actions, will probably quieten them down.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Hi Sasha......and welcome
In my early days of abstinence, I found those feelings of depression an so forth actually got worse. Well, they got better for a while... months....maybe even half of a year... but then they came back and I didn't have the freedom that alcohol used to give me from them. It wasn't until I started treating the "ism" part of alcoholism that they went away.
Once I started working on my recovery.......actually doing stuff and living a different life, all those old resentments ppl had against me started to wither and die. I can't say for sure but I don't think even my ex-wife is still mad at me.....and she bore one helluva lotta crap from yours truly.
Better days can be ahead but, just like drinking did, it takes some work on your part. We usually try to think ourselves into right acting. I've found that's not even close to reliable. Acting rightly does get me to start thinking rightly.... (which I know sounds backwards) hence....get into action and things will start getting better.
...as an aside: It IS possible to not carry the weight of what ppl think about you even IF they don't ever forgive you. I'd suggest that's a better place to be than constantly in a battle to change their minds.
I have suffered from anxiety and depression, low self esteem. Before I realised that drinking made these worse, I often drank to help ease these feelings especially at work functions.
Once I started working on my recovery.......actually doing stuff and living a different life, all those old resentments ppl had against me started to wither and die. I can't say for sure but I don't think even my ex-wife is still mad at me.....and she bore one helluva lotta crap from yours truly.
Better days can be ahead but, just like drinking did, it takes some work on your part. We usually try to think ourselves into right acting. I've found that's not even close to reliable. Acting rightly does get me to start thinking rightly.... (which I know sounds backwards) hence....get into action and things will start getting better.
...as an aside: It IS possible to not carry the weight of what ppl think about you even IF they don't ever forgive you. I'd suggest that's a better place to be than constantly in a battle to change their minds.
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