stellaloella

I am once again dealing with a massive hangover. I've been away from this site for a while because, quite simply, I failed to stop drinking. I got pretty serious about quitting and managed 20 days sober in June, but that ended when I succumbed to peer pressure while I was on vacation. After that, my drinking has accelerated and I'm sure everyone in my life thinks I'm completely nuts because my personality is quite erratic when I'm drinking. I am also a parent and I need to prioritize my child. I grew up in a non-drinking household and I am sad that I've become a major drunk. I had a DUI 7 years ago but sadly did not take heed. I began drinking again after giving birth 5 years ago, and convinced myself that beer was a good way to pass the time. However, beer was replaced by wine, which then gave way to vodka (which I used to hate). I have always been a "social" drinker but now it's given way to secrecy and hiding. I have four empties right now that are in my closet and I can't figure out where to dispose of them. I hate this and I am going to recommit to sobriety -- today. I can't believe I feel like having a buzz is so compelling. It's not worth hurting myself and others. I can't remember having self respect.

Abender

Keep coming back even if you slip up. As long as you're thinking about solving the problem you've got a chance to beat it. I would look at the 20 days you did in June as an accomplishment, and use that as motivation to get to 21!

Ghostly

Congrats on your decision stella! I know you feel horrible about things you've done. Look forward now, not back. So many of us can relate to your issues. Your post really hits home with me in some ways...low self respect, hiding empties (and probably some fulls too right?)...and of course the Vodka! What a great drink huh?! :rotfxko That was mine too.

Most of us, including me, have had horrible experiences in the past that should have been the end of the drinking...that should have signaled enough...that should have been the wake up call we needed...but that wasn't and didn't stop us. Don't focus on that. You know you need to stop now.

You can do this. Find a way to do things differently this time. Maybe some face to face support too if you haven't had any before? Good luck and keep us posted.

eremc08

Try and come back to SR each day. It really helps. You proved you could do it in June, and you know you can do it again. Peer pressure is all around, the thing is you need to maybe change those you hang out with, or always bring a non drinking buddy with you when going out so you don't feel pressured to drink with everyone else. Maybe you weren't ready to be around a drinking atmosphere just yet. It's different for everyone. I have not put myself in that situation yet. I'm a little scared to right now.

You CAN do this! I'm a mom of 4 so I know what you mean about making your kids first. It was hard for me... I never went passed 3 days before and now I'm on day 7 (difference is, this time I'm actually trying). Keep coming back here and posting, reading.. you will get so much help and support here.

Congrats on your day1

DayTrader

Yep...

Welcome to the club. NOW is the time to do something about it too. Once we've crossed that line, we can NEVER drink safely again.

ItWillBeWorthIt

You have made a great step on the road to quitting... coming back to this forum. If you pop in everyday you will be inspired to continue on your path to feeling great physically and emotionally. You did it for 20 days before you can do it again... I wish you great success and look forward to sharing the journey with you.

Anna

Hi Stella,

Welcome back!

Oh yes, the lost self-respect. I could barely remember thinking anything positive about myself. You know what you need to do, and I hope you will continue to seek support here.

Jabbadabutt

Welcome back.. I am addicted to SR right now...not drinking.

MindShift

I, too, have slipped. It's Day 2 for me. Don't beat yourself up. Begin again in earnest. You can do this, if you are truly ready. Welcome to Day 1.

LaFemme

:rotfxko

Me too, it's a lot healthier, but I am working on a 12 step program for it!

Welcome Stella! We have all been there, the worst is the stage where it starts to accelerate, which I think is always when you start trying to quit...it's like the demon alcoholic has been lurking, biding his time, slowly sinking his claws into you, careful not to make too sudden a move, and then when he realizes you are trying to escape he looses all subtleness. You can do this!

julez

Welcome Stella. Glad you're back and trying again. We are here for you!

stellaloella

This forum is always so helpful. Thanks for reminding me that I need to move forward. I can't un-flash my breasts to the UPS driver (that really did happen yesterday and I'm mortified), but my 20 days sober did show me that I am actually a sane person and I am desperate to return to that. I have no more alcohol in the house so that temptation is not there. I'm glad to feel the support here. Thank you.

keithj

Welcome back, Stella. The facts are that after 2.5 years on this site, and 5-7 years prior, you've had some kind of drinking problem you have not been able to solve.

It's not a judgment. It's just the facts of your drinking. What are you planning on doing different this time?

I know it sounds harsh, but consider whether or not this is true. After struggling with alcohol for some number of years, and finally getting free of it for 20 days, does a sane person pick it back up?

That's what AA calls the insanity of the first drink. I had to conclude that I was somewhat insane when it came to drinking. That my will was curiously weakened when it came to booze.

Tiredofdrugs

stellaloella:

The first and hardest thing to do is: Admitting you can no longer drink alcohol!

Now that you've done that. The next step is to NEVER put the alcohol drink to your lips EVER again.

Our DOC is like a lover. The warm fuzzy, giggly feeling we get from it is just sooo hard to give up. The only problem is: It's like a person whom smothers you in the relationship. You can't do/go where you want to. You can't/do anything w/o their permission. It over powers us to the point of that's the only thing we can focus on!

We might as well go hook up to an IV, sit in a chair, and watch the world go past. Because w/o our DOC we don't seem to function in this world under our own steam.

But seven months ago! I unplugged that IV from the opiates and got up out of that chair. It took baby steps to get going. I'm nowhere where I want to be, but I'm so much better mentally off the opiates.

I laugh more, love more, cry more, smile more, etc. I can handle problems that arise much more efficiently now that my mind isn't in a fog.

Start you a calendar. Get you a box of gold stars. Put a gold star on that calendar for every hour or day you've gotten thru w/o a drink.

I lost the respect and company of my daughter and grandkids due to my opiate usuage. I now have them back and I'm so greatful for them. There's nothing like having them over for a visit and having your daughter watch you like a hawk when I'm with the grandkids. I was allowed to have my granddaughter spend a couple of nights with me not too long ago. We had a great time together. My daughter wouldn't have allowed the over night stay if I had still been on the opiates.

Your child will have such a healthier mom when you get past this drinking. I know you know it's NOT an easy thing to accomplish, but you just have to do one hour at a time. Don't think about June. Think about today and what you can accomplish today. Keep sticking gold stars on the calendar to see how you are progressing.

Best of luck to ya and start loving yourself, not the drink!

TOD

stellaloella

You have a good point, Keith. I guess what I meant to convey is that when I'm not drinking, I'm a rational person. But continuing to drink IS crazy. I don't know exactly how I can quit, but I was proud of my 20 days and I'm miserable now. The facts don't lie; I'm a drunk. This forum was how I managed to quit last time, so I am trying to stay positive today even though my anxiety level is through the roof.

eremc08

Take it easy don't stress yourself out too much. You will do whatever it takes once you're ready and willing again. Hopefully it will be today, and if not please try tomorrow. You will do just fine!

keithj

I get ya, Stella, and I'm glad you took my comments that way. Sure, I did some messed up stuff while drinking, and I could be a fairly decent guy when sober.

But the most insane thing I ever did in my life was knowing how I reacted to booze, and then picking up a drink after not drinking for a while.

That insanity is the baffling nature of alcoholism. That utter inability to leave it alone, despite knowing what it does to me.

Hmmm, let's see. The last time I picked up a drink I woke up behind the wheel of a smashed car, lost my job, my wife, my son, and spent a month in rehab. What would ever possess me to pick up a drink ever again?

But sure enough I did. Jaywalking for those BB readers.

That is the mental obsession that no support group could keep from happening. That insane thought of ,"maybe it will be OK", or maybe no thought at all, I just need to feel differently than I feel right now.

That's when I started to get open to the idea that maybe there was more to alcoholism than just rational thought and good judgment. Maybe it was more complicated than just choosing wisely.

tmbg

Seriously--I've made a career out of slipping for over a year and today finally wrote my first post about it. It really shows how sick we get because if we "slip," it means we did what we really didn't want to do.

The thing is, when I was attending AA last fall, I didn't know how many people slipped and came back. My shame about being weak made me stop attending meetings...and keep drinking!

I'm with you on the anxiety. It's getting better after six days but still something I have to remember to breathe through.

artsoul

Glad you're back, Stella! The anxiety is the worst (except maybe throwing up, which I didn't go through - grateful for that). Fortunately, the anxiousness was one of the first things to get better for me - it took 2-3 days. So hang in there. Think of this as the biggest challenge in your life - like training for a marathon. You can't do it alone, but you can do it!

Keep posting.... especially when you're having a hard time. We're on your team!!

Dee74

Welcome back Stella

I relate to that loss of self respect too - right down to the point of not know what to do with the empties.

The important thing to do now is stop drinking. Please do whatever you need to to get there. Stella.

D