FeelingLost

I'm not going to recap the convo-gone-bad with my brother last night, but I am feeling numb. Like a switch has been thrown and I am merely numb.

My mother (my active A parent) told me today (unprompted) that she is sorry that my brother and I have no relationship but that it is not her problem and she doesn't want to hear about it any more. I asked where this had come from because it seemed out of the blue and she said my brother had called her and "bitched" about me for over an hour this morning. Wow. At least he's got his program.

And now I am just numb. No more longing for a relationship with my brother, no more hoping that we can one day be close. I literally feel like I just don't care. And I am numbing to my mother - although I would be grateful in some ways to finally end the pain that I always feel when dealing with her.

My husband is really worried about me - says he has never seen me this calm and resolved when dealing with my family. He's used to me crying and trying to find ways to "patch things up" even if I had nothing to do with the outburst(s). He's afraid that I really have just turned "off" and that's the end of our dreams of a happy extended family unit. I honestly feel like I don't care one way or the other.

No more expectations, no more excitement when I think about the potential of having a REAL conversation with my brother. I am not prepared to continue to offer myself up to be verbally or emotionally abused anymore.

Is this normal? I feel OK with it although it is different to anything I have ever felt before. I have always been emotionally fragile when it comes to my mother and brother, so numbness is far preferable.

Do we really finally hit a point where something just turns "off" when we have had all we can take? Does the switch get turned "on" again when we are emotionally healed?

still learning

Feeling Lost,
Wow! What a wonderful message. Thank you for sharing. Yes, a great big YES, to your question. I, too, have reached this point of "numb" "don't care....but I do care" , loving him, releasing him to his own STUFF, to their stuff (others - sick friends, etc.). I think it's called the Universal Law of Allowing - Let Go, Let God - letting them be who they are, whatever they are, let them choose their path. However, we do NOT tolerate any abuse from them and we do WHATEVER it takes to remove ourself from any such abuse. We can step back and look at them as totally separate individuals who have made very bad choices for themselves and are addicted. (Saw an interesting program tonight on addiction - how the substance changes the brain of the substance abuser in such a way that that person is no longer who he or she could have been. They will remain that way without treatment - AA, etc.) These very sick people - our friends, relatives are not who we want them to be - and they can't be - they are very sick and addicted and will behave accordingly. My counselor says with family members who want to control us or hurt us - see them as completely separate individuals - not in the ROLE of a mother, brother, sister, etc. See their pain. It must be awful to be so sick.
Releasing them with love, and loving ourselves in the process is a very good way to get well. Again, many thanks for sharing.

constant

Feeling Lost and Still Learning,

I get the idea that maybe there are two different kinds of "numbness" here. I have experienced the one that Still Learning is talking about and found it to be pleasant....I did still care, but wasn't all wrapped up in the stress and the worry. Almost like I was looking in from the outside watching him, but still able to have feelings.

I get different feeling from Feeling Lost.....like numbness without any feeling.....this is the one I fear I will wake up with one day. I've heard people talk about it and the decription is the same....one day the switch just goes off. The people I am referring to WERE married and divorced when the "numbness" happened. They indicated is was irreversible and the just woke up that way.....marriage over. (there were addicts involved)

Have I misread? Still Learning I am happy for you and your good numbness, it is I am assuming "detachment." And if I haven't misunderstood you Feeling Lost.....I am sorry and (((((((((HUGS)))))))))) for you! How sad to have the hope for an extended family unit suddenly feel lost.

Constant

FeelingLost

Constant, I really do feel numb without caring. At another point in my life I was able to "detach" from my mother, but never from my brother who is not an A. I always made excuses for my brother's hateful and hurtful behaviour before, telling myself that he came from my same place of pain.

So now I am really just cold. No warm fuzzies towards either of them, and while I am sure that a part of me still loves them I really don't feel it right now. I really do feel cold and final.

Both of them have hurt me repeatedly and deeply for many years, but I wanted to detach with love and not just turn numb and cold.

Still Learning, I really wish I was feeling something closer to what you describe. Something that felt less final.

constant

Feeling Lost.....I was hoping that I was wrong.....I pray that you do get some of those "good" feelings back. Work on taking care of yourself and maybe with time you will regain some warm and fuzzies.....(((((((MORE HUGS))))))

Blessings
Constant

JT

Feeling Lost,

Numb is not bad...numb is just the first part of detaching in my opinion. If feeling numb is what it takes to stop offering yourself up to being abused then numb is where you need to be right now.

As you proceed down your own road of recovery that feeling will change many many times. It is kind of like the stages of grief going from denial ultimately to acceptance.

You are where you need to be right now.
Hugs,
JT

Daffodil

feeling lost,
Please consider yourself HUGGED!

I agree with JT. Your feelings will change many times. Try to remember feelings are fleeting...facts are here to stay...When I faced the fact that my brother and sister were drunk's and addicts I had to amputate them from my life completely simply because I couldn't stand the pain of watching them....Since working my program I realize that I still love them BUT that doesn't mean that I owe them my life, and every time I get into worrying, fretting, obessively thinking about them, I am not living in the here and now...Just for today!.... I remind myself of all the "good times" and let go of all the rest...Just as I would remember a good friend who has moved away or passed away...My brother and sister are not (today) the people I loved years ago... I wish them no harm but I also realize they are not safe people for me to be around..Today, my prayer is that someday I'll be able to see them as my Higher Power does.Remember there is a program out there for everyone and just as I am growing daily so can they IF and When they chose to...Sometimes, I just remind myself over and over "THIS TOO SHALL PASS!"