It's just a matter of TIME
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
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It's just a matter of TIME
and I'm not sure when the changed happen exactly but...
Yesterday my RAH got a letter from an attorney, which is never good and as expected turned out not to be.
His old partner wants money and Skid Steer back.... whatever whatever.
I thought - wow that sucks.
My husband told me what he was going to do, I said - sounds good.
And that was that.
So why am a wasted your time with this? I'll tell ya' - A year ago I would have gone into "total panic fix it crazy lady mode"
I would be so anxious thinking "someone's going to cause me and my family harm, I have to do something!" Sleepless nights, stress, I would mad at my husband for causing this on and on total craziness...
But not now - It's his business, it's his responsibility, he's capable and I trust him and really there is nothing I can do to help or change it anyway...
We'll deal with whatever happens when and if something happens.
Just like that - I didn't even have to try. I didn't have to think NOT to be crazy, not to over react. Or actually - to react at all. There is nothing to react to.
AWESOME
FINALLY!!
Just wanted to share -
good feelings all around 
Yesterday my RAH got a letter from an attorney, which is never good and as expected turned out not to be.
His old partner wants money and Skid Steer back.... whatever whatever.
I thought - wow that sucks.
My husband told me what he was going to do, I said - sounds good.
And that was that.
So why am a wasted your time with this? I'll tell ya' - A year ago I would have gone into "total panic fix it crazy lady mode"
I would be so anxious thinking "someone's going to cause me and my family harm, I have to do something!" Sleepless nights, stress, I would mad at my husband for causing this on and on total craziness...
But not now - It's his business, it's his responsibility, he's capable and I trust him and really there is nothing I can do to help or change it anyway...
We'll deal with whatever happens when and if something happens.
Just like that - I didn't even have to try. I didn't have to think NOT to be crazy, not to over react. Or actually - to react at all. There is nothing to react to.
AWESOME
FINALLY!! Just wanted to share -
good feelings all around 
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 35
Doesn't that feel great?
That's very inspiring. I'm the same way. My AH was hit by a hit and run driver in a rental car (this was when his own car was in the shop by his own one car alcohol related accident). Imagine my panic when I received the call that he was hit by someone in the rental car! My old self went into control mode, I worked with the insurance company yada yada (I knew there was no alcohol involved on his part because the police were directly involved). I did let go eventually, he went to court, handled some of the insurance paperwork. I'm CONVINCED I would have taken over if it had been his fault and if it was alcohol related, and it would have sucked me under. I'm so glad you were able to let your RAH handle this on his own...how freeing for you!
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Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Yes Jos that's exactly how it feels, FREE.
Free not to worry or obsess.
But who knows - maybe now you will come here first and we can talk you out of it 
help you threw it.
Thank you for your kind words
Free not to worry or obsess.
I'm CONVINCED I would have taken over if it had been his fault and if it was alcohol related, and it would have sucked me under.
help you threw it.Thank you for your kind words
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: USA
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Here's a good one...
When AH's business was actually doing well (it's smoldering at this point--nothing left, thanks to his drinking) the fire inspector came to see him and said that he had to pay a $50 inspection fee.
Mr. Big Shot tells the fire inspector to go F himself--he thinks it's just a ruse to get money out of him--scr*w the local laws--he's not going to pay.
Well, he gets a bill for $1000--for not paying the $50. He freaks out and actually calls the mayor, whom he knows personally. The mayor is nice enough to intercede and get the fine down to $500. Does Mr. BigShot pay it? Nooooooo....
That was about a year ago. Just a couple of months ago, our local dog park was being taken over by the township and we supported that--I went to speak in favor. He came, too. I couldn't understand how he could face the mayor when he hadn't paid the fine, but not only did he face the Township Council, he actually joked about how as a small businessman he gets hassled by the fire inspector!!! (this had NOTHING to do with the topic at hand, but he threw it into his speech about the dog park). He thought the speech was a great success because everyone was laughing--including the mayor.
Well, guess who got the last laugh--the mayor. Three days later, he gets a summons in the mail--he's being SUED by the township for over $1000. What an idiot!!
I am totally comfortable that this is HIS PROBLEM. I am NOT fixing it. I'm simply flummoxed that he could be that arrogant.
When AH's business was actually doing well (it's smoldering at this point--nothing left, thanks to his drinking) the fire inspector came to see him and said that he had to pay a $50 inspection fee.
Mr. Big Shot tells the fire inspector to go F himself--he thinks it's just a ruse to get money out of him--scr*w the local laws--he's not going to pay.
Well, he gets a bill for $1000--for not paying the $50. He freaks out and actually calls the mayor, whom he knows personally. The mayor is nice enough to intercede and get the fine down to $500. Does Mr. BigShot pay it? Nooooooo....
That was about a year ago. Just a couple of months ago, our local dog park was being taken over by the township and we supported that--I went to speak in favor. He came, too. I couldn't understand how he could face the mayor when he hadn't paid the fine, but not only did he face the Township Council, he actually joked about how as a small businessman he gets hassled by the fire inspector!!! (this had NOTHING to do with the topic at hand, but he threw it into his speech about the dog park). He thought the speech was a great success because everyone was laughing--including the mayor.
Well, guess who got the last laugh--the mayor. Three days later, he gets a summons in the mail--he's being SUED by the township for over $1000. What an idiot!!
I am totally comfortable that this is HIS PROBLEM. I am NOT fixing it. I'm simply flummoxed that he could be that arrogant.
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How quickly they regress
He wrote a letter in response - he asked me to read it. Oh man! it was terrible and would getting him onto more financial trouble.
So he asks what i think and I tell him politely - well dear blah blah blah.
Ya know what he says - well why don't you write it then.
So I just inform him - you answer a letter form an attorney with a attorney letter or it can be a lot more trouble.
So of course he asks can I find a lawyer he claims he doesn't what he's doing, moan and b*tch... Then to top it off he walks out of the room whining that he is soooo sick of all this bad things happening in life.
MY F****NG WORD!
Here I was posting just today about how wonderful he is and how well he's doing in his recovery, and in an instance he can turn into a whining pathetic... I don't even know what. To say child would be an insult to a child.
Well I will refuse any invitation to his pity party. He can sulk alone. And he can find his own stinkin' lawyer.
I know he'll come to his senses, it just amazing at how quickly he can revert back. Just as easy for me if I don't catch myself. BUT I DID that's what counts.
Thanks for letting me vent.
He wrote a letter in response - he asked me to read it. Oh man! it was terrible and would getting him onto more financial trouble.
So he asks what i think and I tell him politely - well dear blah blah blah.
Ya know what he says - well why don't you write it then.
So I just inform him - you answer a letter form an attorney with a attorney letter or it can be a lot more trouble.
So of course he asks can I find a lawyer he claims he doesn't what he's doing, moan and b*tch... Then to top it off he walks out of the room whining that he is soooo sick of all this bad things happening in life.
MY F****NG WORD!
Here I was posting just today about how wonderful he is and how well he's doing in his recovery, and in an instance he can turn into a whining pathetic... I don't even know what. To say child would be an insult to a child.
Well I will refuse any invitation to his pity party. He can sulk alone. And he can find his own stinkin' lawyer.
I know he'll come to his senses, it just amazing at how quickly he can revert back. Just as easy for me if I don't catch myself. BUT I DID that's what counts.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
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today he told me he would like me to be a little more helpful and supportive.
Right
I am a co-dependent for f**k sake - that is what I do best.
just wondering if any if it is real - am I just fooling myself?
Sometimes it's hard - trying to be better person, act in a certain way and as much as I know I shouldn't look for validation from anyone but it would be nice to feel appreciated. (of course if I expressed that his retort would be that I never appreciate him) so I why bother. freaking gaslighter!
just feeling bad for myself today. never mind
I'll feel better after my class I always do
Right
I am a co-dependent for f**k sake - that is what I do best.
just wondering if any if it is real - am I just fooling myself?
Sometimes it's hard - trying to be better person, act in a certain way and as much as I know I shouldn't look for validation from anyone but it would be nice to feel appreciated. (of course if I expressed that his retort would be that I never appreciate him) so I why bother. freaking gaslighter!
just feeling bad for myself today. never mind
I'll feel better after my class I always do
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Join Date: May 2010
Posts: 674
I've spent some time reading on the Alcoholics Forum. I cannot seem to get enough of trying to understand and relate to all of it, I guess.
Anyway, I just read a quote that was posted by a recovering alcoholic, and boy, did the lightbulb go off for me.
"They have to take the focus off "not drinking", and put the focus on "recovering"."
Huge difference. And amazing how many A's go to AA, have sponsors, and still don't get it.
I have to just keep reminding myself that I've let him go. It's up to him and his HP what happens from here. It always was, LOL. I'm still learning.
Anyway, I just read a quote that was posted by a recovering alcoholic, and boy, did the lightbulb go off for me.
"They have to take the focus off "not drinking", and put the focus on "recovering"."
Huge difference. And amazing how many A's go to AA, have sponsors, and still don't get it.
I have to just keep reminding myself that I've let him go. It's up to him and his HP what happens from here. It always was, LOL. I'm still learning.
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Your absolutely right Seeking.
He always says he has so much to learn and has so many character flaws. But he doesn't relate those flaws to things that he says or does. He still implies it's me.
It sounds very noble and mature when he says it - but lately I think he's full of crap
And still I sit here trying to figure it out. Thinking that maybe I can say something that will make a difference. Make him try harder so that becomes easier for me. Still- after everything I know to be true.
free your mind and the rest will follow
... En Vogue (circa 1998?)
He always says he has so much to learn and has so many character flaws. But he doesn't relate those flaws to things that he says or does. He still implies it's me.
It sounds very noble and mature when he says it - but lately I think he's full of crap
And still I sit here trying to figure it out. Thinking that maybe I can say something that will make a difference. Make him try harder so that becomes easier for me. Still- after everything I know to be true.
free your mind and the rest will follow... En Vogue (circa 1998?)
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Join Date: Aug 2010
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I was browsing around, just looking to keep my mind off stressing and fretting. This thread is just what I needed. Thanks Christie. I needed to remind myself. That it is ok to vent. Ok to get angry and want scream etc etc. Why do we think we always have to try and fix everything . Try to be spurt strong. Aaaagh! Crazy woman!
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Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
"They have to take the focus off "not drinking", and put the focus on "recovering"."
It sounds very noble and mature when he says it - but lately I think he's full of crap
yep, when my ex, (who was supposedly in recovery with me) would come up with crap and repeat stuff he heard in the rooms, but subtly (or not so subtly) put it on me, i would dig marks into my palms. my stigmata of crap. hehehehehe
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Wicked Cool
That's intense
Charlie it is a good place to just yell sometimes.
You don't want to burden people you know or air dirty laundry constantly. Nobody even wants to hear it.
SR is awesome
i would dig marks into my palms. my stigmata of crap. hehehehehe
Charlie it is a good place to just yell sometimes.
You don't want to burden people you know or air dirty laundry constantly. Nobody even wants to hear it.
SR is awesome
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There is danger ahead.
I realized that -
I have been trying to change myself to deal with /please him. Cause I'm the one with over reaction problem. I'm the one who was mad all the time, who couldn't get over the past.
But when I don't reaction, he pushes my buttons, tests me. And it's getting worse.
Christie be more easy going (so the digs are easier to take)
Christie be more tolerant (so that the underlining insult doesn't hurt as much)
oh it's just a joke, your too sensitive, what - your mad at that?
I tried to talk to him tonight, my God what it turned into. What happened to having a conversation? He could even hear what I was saying. That look in his eyes, mocking me, laughing, judging. Heartless *******!
Now that I'm aware of the Gaslighting thing and I wouldn't take it this time. I couldn't believe the sh*t that was coming out of his mouth. It was like he was drinking. The sarcasm, name calling, twisting, blame-shifting, just meanness, all of it.
The only thing could say was - of course your an alcoholic that's what they say - classic dry drunk.
I must have just been in denial, ignoring all the little things. Giving in not to make trouble.
Maybe it has nothing to do with being an alcoholic, maybe he's just a nasty person at heart and the niceness is just an act. I've thought that often.
I have no idea what now. Nothing there's nothing to do.
i do feel the saddest I have felt in along time. I thought he was changing. I thought he was getting better.
DAMN IT!!! I think I like it better living in denial.
I realized that -
I have been trying to change myself to deal with /please him. Cause I'm the one with over reaction problem. I'm the one who was mad all the time, who couldn't get over the past.
But when I don't reaction, he pushes my buttons, tests me. And it's getting worse.
Christie be more easy going (so the digs are easier to take)
Christie be more tolerant (so that the underlining insult doesn't hurt as much)
oh it's just a joke, your too sensitive, what - your mad at that?
I tried to talk to him tonight, my God what it turned into. What happened to having a conversation? He could even hear what I was saying. That look in his eyes, mocking me, laughing, judging. Heartless *******!
Now that I'm aware of the Gaslighting thing and I wouldn't take it this time. I couldn't believe the sh*t that was coming out of his mouth. It was like he was drinking. The sarcasm, name calling, twisting, blame-shifting, just meanness, all of it.
The only thing could say was - of course your an alcoholic that's what they say - classic dry drunk.
I must have just been in denial, ignoring all the little things. Giving in not to make trouble.
Maybe it has nothing to do with being an alcoholic, maybe he's just a nasty person at heart and the niceness is just an act. I've thought that often.
I have no idea what now. Nothing there's nothing to do.
i do feel the saddest I have felt in along time. I thought he was changing. I thought he was getting better.
DAMN IT!!! I think I like it better living in denial.
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
Dearest Christie, I think we know each other. 
Yep, happened to me too. The rage was always just under the surface.
Thus, my stigmata, kept me from screaming, never show how it hurts.
oh that, yeah, when i said i would find a woman when you got fat, i was just joking, can't you take a joke? then, he cheated and blamed my weight gain as the basis for cheating. okay. right. more grin and dig.
Yeah and I was the cold, frigid, he could never do anything right in my eyes bitch. unh huh.
I realized my denial and had to take responsibility for this mistake of a marriage. He wanted someone to take care OF him, and I wanted someone to care FOR me. Never the twain shall meet.
Sure there is, now it is Christie time. Create the life you want.
It is time to grieve over what you thought or hoped was happening, let it go and deal with what is happening. It is much easier than denial, denial is a hella lot of work. Let it go. You will be fine.
Beth
There is danger ahead.
I realized that -
I have been trying to change myself to deal with /please him. Cause I'm the one with over reaction problem. I'm the one who was mad all the time, who couldn't get over the past.
I realized that -
I have been trying to change myself to deal with /please him. Cause I'm the one with over reaction problem. I'm the one who was mad all the time, who couldn't get over the past.
But when I don't reaction, he pushes my buttons, tests me. And it's getting worse.
Christie be more easy going (so the digs are easier to take)
Christie be more easy going (so the digs are easier to take)
Christie be more tolerant (so that the underlining insult doesn't hurt as much)
oh it's just a joke, your too sensitive, what - your mad at that?
oh it's just a joke, your too sensitive, what - your mad at that?
I tried to talk to him tonight, my God what it turned into. What happened to having a conversation? He could even hear what I was saying. That look in his eyes, mocking me, laughing, judging. Heartless *******!
Now that I'm aware of the Gaslighting thing and I wouldn't take it this time. I couldn't believe the sh*t that was coming out of his mouth. It was like he was drinking. The sarcasm, name calling, twisting, blame-shifting, just meanness, all of it.
The only thing could say was - of course your an alcoholic that's what they say - classic dry drunk.
Now that I'm aware of the Gaslighting thing and I wouldn't take it this time. I couldn't believe the sh*t that was coming out of his mouth. It was like he was drinking. The sarcasm, name calling, twisting, blame-shifting, just meanness, all of it.
The only thing could say was - of course your an alcoholic that's what they say - classic dry drunk.
I must have just been in denial, ignoring all the little things. Giving in not to make trouble.
Maybe it has nothing to do with being an alcoholic, maybe he's just a nasty person at heart and the niceness is just an act. I've thought that often.
Maybe it has nothing to do with being an alcoholic, maybe he's just a nasty person at heart and the niceness is just an act. I've thought that often.
I have no idea what now. Nothing there's nothing to do.
i do feel the saddest I have felt in along time. I thought he was changing. I thought he was getting better.
DAMN IT!!! I think I like it better living in denial.
DAMN IT!!! I think I like it better living in denial.
It is time to grieve over what you thought or hoped was happening, let it go and deal with what is happening. It is much easier than denial, denial is a hella lot of work. Let it go. You will be fine.
Beth
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Thank you Wicked
I do feel like I know you and so many others. You have so much wisdom and heart. Thank you for the hug.
I'm feeling a bit blind sided by this. But I'm not unique and it's so textbook it's pathetic. I'm such a statistic - Good grief
But I'll just do my thing.
I'm not concerned about what he is doing or whether he'll drink (in a way I wish he would it make the decision so much easier) NEEXT!!
But your right, I have to work on feeling good despite outside influences.
I do have practice at this after all. no problem.
I do feel like I know you and so many others. You have so much wisdom and heart. Thank you for the hug.
I'm feeling a bit blind sided by this. But I'm not unique and it's so textbook it's pathetic. I'm such a statistic - Good grief
But I'll just do my thing.
I'm not concerned about what he is doing or whether he'll drink (in a way I wish he would it make the decision so much easier) NEEXT!!
But your right, I have to work on feeling good despite outside influences.
I do have practice at this after all. no problem.
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Posts: 275
Still learning
Silkspin mentioned yesterday in a post about motivation for discussions.
Another realization - In my head I had composed the dialog for the discussion (fight) we were going to have, whether he liked it or not. I had my question set up and my anticipated answer, which he would deliver perfectly, no doubt.
The script of the conversation we were going to have to solve the (HIS) problem.
I must say though, it was beautifully written, very moving. At one point he actually got his knees to thank the heavens I had chosen him. (sniffle tear)
But what, at that moment was my husband's problem?? It was MY fear of his relapse. My goodness it still so strong. Even though i say to myself and I have posted here that I'm over that. UPDATE!! I'm NOOOT!
My motivation to continue on the subject, which by the way was really dead, was to make him understand that by not agreeing with me - he is fooling himself about his recovery. Translation - christie is scare to death about you drinking again so you need to do this...
I knew full well that if I pushed hard enough I would get the monster - and man - he delivered. Point proven, Right? Good Job Christie you're an expert manipulator.
He is responsible for his reaction to me, absolutely, that is part of his recovery. And as hard as it is to not remind him of that- I have to keep my mouth shut.
I do hate some of things he's says to me. Maybe I need to listen harder to what he's saying, -not to allowing myself to be put down of course- but to see where it's coming from. Maybe it's still my resentments coming through. I don't know yet.
I can only control myself -I will keep saying that.
I have to pay attention to how I say things and why I am saying them.
Work on myself - my motivation - what I expect from my life. Just keep moving forward.
Give my husband to... what was his name again??
Oh yeah - GOD
Thank You Wicked, Silk, Charlie, Mags, Pelican, Jos YOU ROCK!!!!
Another realization - In my head I had composed the dialog for the discussion (fight) we were going to have, whether he liked it or not. I had my question set up and my anticipated answer, which he would deliver perfectly, no doubt.
The script of the conversation we were going to have to solve the (HIS) problem.
I must say though, it was beautifully written, very moving. At one point he actually got his knees to thank the heavens I had chosen him. (sniffle tear)
But what, at that moment was my husband's problem?? It was MY fear of his relapse. My goodness it still so strong. Even though i say to myself and I have posted here that I'm over that. UPDATE!! I'm NOOOT!
My motivation to continue on the subject, which by the way was really dead, was to make him understand that by not agreeing with me - he is fooling himself about his recovery. Translation - christie is scare to death about you drinking again so you need to do this...
I knew full well that if I pushed hard enough I would get the monster - and man - he delivered. Point proven, Right? Good Job Christie you're an expert manipulator.
He is responsible for his reaction to me, absolutely, that is part of his recovery. And as hard as it is to not remind him of that- I have to keep my mouth shut.
I do hate some of things he's says to me. Maybe I need to listen harder to what he's saying, -not to allowing myself to be put down of course- but to see where it's coming from. Maybe it's still my resentments coming through. I don't know yet.
I can only control myself -I will keep saying that.
I have to pay attention to how I say things and why I am saying them.
Work on myself - my motivation - what I expect from my life. Just keep moving forward.
Give my husband to... what was his name again??
Oh yeah - GOD
Thank You Wicked, Silk, Charlie, Mags, Pelican, Jos
YOU ROCK!!!!
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