Joslyn

Well, as a codependent I know it's no one's fault but my own. I've had a few very good days, concentrating on reading Codependent No More, being on this site. I've set boundaries, asked AH to find an out of town project with his company. We've been coexisting fairly well, however tonight is another story. My kids went with their grandparents and our neighbor on the lake and my AH was there too (we are married and live together not sure what my plan is quite yet). Anyway, I stayed home so I could finish laundry, to get ready for our 200 mile trip back from the Lake. Since I've forbidden my AH to drive my kids, I happily took my kids and the two puppies home. I'm ok with that, I'm the responsible one, and I don't "expect" anything of him. Or, so I thought. He casually mentions to me he should be right behind me, has to do a few things at the marina with the boat and he'll be on his way. Well, my 16yo daughter called him asked him to stop at an ATM (so I didn't have to with the kids and dogs). It is her first day of Junior year of high school (horrible last two years as her grades have been just awful). So my AH casually mentions to my daughter that he's about 2 hours behind us. Ok, my new leaf codependent self should not react to that, but I was LIVID. Here I am taking two steps back, envisioning stopping for a few, getting a DUI, me being up until he got home. I got a hold of myself, but it was hard, becasue then I turned my resentment to my daughter who is making all kinds of plans for a concert this weekend (that means I have to stay home with my 10 year old from the lake, a family thing that we love to do), and the second trigger with my daughter explodes. How do I let go of the anger and resentment, how do I "re-focus" when I KNOW I'm getting sucked back in....Now it will take all my willpower to get to sleep so I'm not up to "check" if he's been drinking, or watcihng the clock assumign the worst (In the past he's stopped at rest areas because he's been tired, now with my new found awareness of his resurgence of alcoholism that is just an outright lie)....I will wake up and it will be a new day, but what is scary is NOTHING bad has happened except ME spiraling out of control, assuming the worst in both my AH and my daughter. How do I keep this on an even keel.....

Pelican

I think you are showing progress.

You are recognizing your feelings! Good on you.

You have stopped and examined how you are feeling about the things that happened during your day. That means you are aware and acknowledging you, yourself and YOU!

For me, it helps to recognize when I am awfulizing. That stinking thinking that gets the wheels of worry spinning in my head. The same wheels that deprive me of sleep and serenity. That is where I had to learn to retrain my brain. These are just thoughts that are gaining momentum as long as I allow them to continue. I have to S.T.O.P.

"Before I get into trouble, before I open my mouth to react, or get lost in obsessive analysis of another person's behavior, or worrying about the future, I can Stop. Then I can Look at what is going on and my role in it. Then I can Listen for spiritual guidance that will remind me of my options and help me find healthy words and actions" from Alanon's Courage To Change, March 4 reading.

You are making progress. I hope you continue and that sleep comes peacefully.

Eight Ball

I too am busy reading the book Codependant No More and busy trying to mind my own business etc but like you I have had a bad weekend - firstly, I casually mentioned to AH that I had read an article about Robbie Williams quitting the booze and going to AA and then followed through later in the day about another Alcoholic I knew who has ruined his health, has developed a type of demensia and cant be left on his own. I knew that i shouldnt even bother saying anything and realised a bit later on in the day that I had been trying to manipulate by setting the seed about how Alcoholism can effect you. I know its not like your story but just wanted to say that we all make mistakes but we are learning and trying to change a habit of a lifetime which wont happen overnight. Be kind to yoursef - your doing your best.

naive

it takes practice!

for myself, i had to get out of victim mode and into empowered mode.

i just kept reminding myself "do not rely on the alcholic for anything." "it doesn't matter if he is drinking nor how much, it is none of my business"

i also found it helpful to imagine all the other people out there who were drinking and notice my neutrality about it. then i would see clearly my emotional entanglement with this one particular drinker, my alcoholic.

best is to merely observe yourself in the beginning. that is half the battle. observe yourself, identify what you are feeling, think it all the way thru, and then get back to taking care of the things on your own todo list.

naive

ChrrisT

Hi Again Joslyn,

You seem to be doing great.

Detachment is always a good thing to learn. Working on ourselves, learning to control our emotions, living in the moment - all those things are very necessary.

But nothing works better than just removing yourself from the "problem"

Everything becomes so much more manageable. IMO