Thought I Was There.
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Thought I Was There.
I haven't really thought of the X for awhile. I've really come to terms with it never working out. I've been busy and enjoying my life this summer.
The thought of him has crept up on me at odd times. Like I broke it off with someone i was seeing and I was okay with that. Maybe it was just something that needed to come to the surface, but I thought of AXBF one night after talking to current bf and just burst out into violent tears all of a sudden over how much I missed looking into his eyes. As cheesy as that sounds. I missed those rare moments of honesty and affection.
Maybe after dating so many people in between and on and off and still having the ex to always to go back to, this was the first time with that absolutely not happening.
Maybe it is codependent of me, but ya no sometimes all I want is someone to rub my back or hold me and that was something he always did really well. I know I would never go back and never can...and I will find someone 100% worth my time. But honestly, no one spoons like this man did. LOL.
Yeah it must just be stress and I'm looking for some sort of comfort. The routine of always having someone there warts and all. Since he was so nasty it was like he had no choice but to put up with anything I threw at him too. Not a healthy relationship, but as a codie...it was someone and not no one!
I've been running and doing things I love, friends, new things, etc. But he still manages to bring tears. I wish I could just make sure he was alive still.
But I won't.
Its very hard to find men that are genuine and not into me based on the way I look. And in an odd way, I felt like he understood me on a level most people don't. There are mostly just moments I think back occasionally and my heart sinks.
After meeting new people and my whole experience with addicts somehow coming up, I've come to the realization that just because I don't cry as much as I used to or think about it nearly as much...
I am very much still healing. I miss my friend today.
The thought of him has crept up on me at odd times. Like I broke it off with someone i was seeing and I was okay with that. Maybe it was just something that needed to come to the surface, but I thought of AXBF one night after talking to current bf and just burst out into violent tears all of a sudden over how much I missed looking into his eyes. As cheesy as that sounds. I missed those rare moments of honesty and affection.
Maybe after dating so many people in between and on and off and still having the ex to always to go back to, this was the first time with that absolutely not happening.
Maybe it is codependent of me, but ya no sometimes all I want is someone to rub my back or hold me and that was something he always did really well. I know I would never go back and never can...and I will find someone 100% worth my time. But honestly, no one spoons like this man did. LOL.
Yeah it must just be stress and I'm looking for some sort of comfort. The routine of always having someone there warts and all. Since he was so nasty it was like he had no choice but to put up with anything I threw at him too. Not a healthy relationship, but as a codie...it was someone and not no one!
I've been running and doing things I love, friends, new things, etc. But he still manages to bring tears. I wish I could just make sure he was alive still.
But I won't.
Its very hard to find men that are genuine and not into me based on the way I look. And in an odd way, I felt like he understood me on a level most people don't. There are mostly just moments I think back occasionally and my heart sinks.
After meeting new people and my whole experience with addicts somehow coming up, I've come to the realization that just because I don't cry as much as I used to or think about it nearly as much...
I am very much still healing. I miss my friend today.
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I realized today as the thoughts of him and the super anxious feeling of running into him (I have one measly class left @ school, where we met and "ran into" each other all the time) keep popping up...
that duh! Of course I'm thinking of him and missing him, its like my body knows danger is near! This is the time of year we met and would always see each other even when I was trying not to. I have one week until my class starts. Even though it feels like it and I consider myself done, I am very nervous to go back and even just the chance to feel familiar feelings.
Its funny how when traumatic things happen, even if you're not consciously aware of it..your body certainly remembers and holds that anxiety, or wound. Whatever you want to call it. Part of me is completely at peace and okay, but there's a level that is deep deep down that is terrified of seeing him and both looking forward to it too.
Sick. I know I am different now, stronger. Smarter....but something tells me my heart would still flutter if I saw him. And that terrifies me.
that duh! Of course I'm thinking of him and missing him, its like my body knows danger is near! This is the time of year we met and would always see each other even when I was trying not to. I have one week until my class starts. Even though it feels like it and I consider myself done, I am very nervous to go back and even just the chance to feel familiar feelings.
Its funny how when traumatic things happen, even if you're not consciously aware of it..your body certainly remembers and holds that anxiety, or wound. Whatever you want to call it. Part of me is completely at peace and okay, but there's a level that is deep deep down that is terrified of seeing him and both looking forward to it too.
Sick. I know I am different now, stronger. Smarter....but something tells me my heart would still flutter if I saw him. And that terrifies me.
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HAha yes Carol - its such an awful mix of emotions. Love, anger, sadness, pain, regret. Pretty much all the bases were covered in that "relationship".
and thank you Live, people tell me i over-analyze too much sometimes, and that bothers me cuz i am just very reflective and insightful. Its nice to hear that
I had to go to campus this week and I swear to you I was on the verge of a panic attack. That place triggers me. I haven't been down there in so long, hopefully this coming week won't be as intense. I am terrified of seeing him.
and thank you Live, people tell me i over-analyze too much sometimes, and that bothers me cuz i am just very reflective and insightful. Its nice to hear that
I had to go to campus this week and I swear to you I was on the verge of a panic attack. That place triggers me. I haven't been down there in so long, hopefully this coming week won't be as intense. I am terrified of seeing him.
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Not sick at all. Great post, good insight. I overanalyze everything. That mixture of emotions and being terrified but still looking forward to seeing the person is powerful stuff. I think it is the magnet that makes it difficult to pull away. When it is good it is like nothing you've ever felt or known but when it isn't it is pain to the core that you never want to feel again.
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I have realized 2 years later of saying a final goodbye, that when we say goodbye to someone with so many conflicting emotions it says a lot about us. And in my opinion it is only with Al anon (to keep the daily sanity and keep our track) AND therapy (to get the destructive patterns out of our life) that one can move on. It is not by chance that one finds unavailable/sick people as partners. I just wish no one waited for 2 long years to ask for help. I am finally going to therapy and being honest and I wish I hadn't waited for some magic solution for my feelings. Sometimes I feel I am stuck,but it is only because XABF means abandonment and that is what I have known so far. Once I prepare and start knowing love and being present I believe I will be really done, indifference will take place permanently, I will be wiser and my choices of partners will be different, more like real men and less like children. And yes I just came back from therapy!!! I finally admitted I can't get over the alcoholic by myself...
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Thank you Babyblue, I hate when ppl tell me that. That and "calm down" - its like duhhh!
TC, ya no I e-mailed a few therapists in the area and never followed through. I had planned on meeting with one, but then my uncle died and I never got around to it. Then I started getting busier and seemingly healed.
But yes, I think I need help. I cried again tonight. I have serious hormonal problems (endometriosis) so I'm sure that doesn't help, but this is kind of like ya no mourning tears. It doesn't really feel like pms tears. It feels like a lot of stuff bubbling up. And I'm no stranger to therapy, so I'm not afraid. Its just like another thing to schedule in. I feel stronger in every sense then ever before, but somehow my heart does still feel broken for that dream. He said he wanted to get help after this last semester is over and a teensy part of me wishes that were true.
I'm over being in that situation, but my heart still yearns for him. At first it was ne one, but then I realized I am very much still love him.There's this one moment between us, its insignificant really, that I keep playing over and over. I have to let that go. I have to let it allll go.
This might seem random, but has neone seen Inception ? the message about letting go really touched me deeply. Great movie.
Gooood Lord I must be really codependent if I crash like this everytime I move on in relationships.
Ahhhh..I'm missing him and I didnt expect to from here on out. Yuckyyy. Its idealization and desperation is what it is....Romanticizing the past....protecting myself from future pain by reliving the past. I don't need a therapist to tell me that but it can't hurt to really breakdown old mental habits, and get some serious validation that I did all I could do and truly deserve the world. Sign me up! LOL.
TC, ya no I e-mailed a few therapists in the area and never followed through. I had planned on meeting with one, but then my uncle died and I never got around to it. Then I started getting busier and seemingly healed.
But yes, I think I need help. I cried again tonight. I have serious hormonal problems (endometriosis) so I'm sure that doesn't help, but this is kind of like ya no mourning tears. It doesn't really feel like pms tears. It feels like a lot of stuff bubbling up. And I'm no stranger to therapy, so I'm not afraid. Its just like another thing to schedule in. I feel stronger in every sense then ever before, but somehow my heart does still feel broken for that dream. He said he wanted to get help after this last semester is over and a teensy part of me wishes that were true.
I'm over being in that situation, but my heart still yearns for him. At first it was ne one, but then I realized I am very much still love him.There's this one moment between us, its insignificant really, that I keep playing over and over. I have to let that go. I have to let it allll go.
This might seem random, but has neone seen Inception ? the message about letting go really touched me deeply. Great movie.
Gooood Lord I must be really codependent if I crash like this everytime I move on in relationships.
Ahhhh..I'm missing him and I didnt expect to from here on out. Yuckyyy. Its idealization and desperation is what it is....Romanticizing the past....protecting myself from future pain by reliving the past. I don't need a therapist to tell me that but it can't hurt to really breakdown old mental habits, and get some serious validation that I did all I could do and truly deserve the world. Sign me up! LOL.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
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I reread your original post and I know how you feel.
Today I ran into XABF and he opened a door for me and I said "Thanks" as if he was a stranger. I hadn't been so close to him at work for a while (I usually run for the hills whenever he is around). He looked as I remembered him.
I still want to hug him and say "how are you?" as if he was still the friend I met.
At the same time it took a lot from me not to kick him hard and slap the revolving door unto him.
All I am thinking to feel better now is that I am no longer the woman I was. It is helping. And also I got therapy tomorrow so it also helps to know I am working to be in another place emotionally. This can't go on... I had enough. It made me remember how he looked like this wonderful happy man in the outside and how he still looks that way. Amazing to compare the show to who he really was when no one else was looking. But by now, he can fool others and himself, not me any longer.
Thanks for letting me vent.
Today I ran into XABF and he opened a door for me and I said "Thanks" as if he was a stranger. I hadn't been so close to him at work for a while (I usually run for the hills whenever he is around). He looked as I remembered him.
I still want to hug him and say "how are you?" as if he was still the friend I met.
At the same time it took a lot from me not to kick him hard and slap the revolving door unto him.
All I am thinking to feel better now is that I am no longer the woman I was. It is helping. And also I got therapy tomorrow so it also helps to know I am working to be in another place emotionally. This can't go on... I had enough. It made me remember how he looked like this wonderful happy man in the outside and how he still looks that way. Amazing to compare the show to who he really was when no one else was looking. But by now, he can fool others and himself, not me any longer.
Thanks for letting me vent.
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