Jaded623

My original intent was to get support and help from other ACOAs on here since I can never seem to fit meetings into my schedule. I need to get rid of this emotional baggage and work on some of my personality traits that probably are directly related to being an ACOA. And as I was perusing through posts, I realized I really have my own addiction...

My mom is currently in recovery for alcohol, and I couldn't be prouder! While she was in rehab, she called one night and just said "Listen, if I tell you something, you promise you won't get mad?" I knew right away what she was going to say... She had just gotten a new roommate, and then she preceded to tell me that her roommate was addicted to adderall. I told her I didn't want to hear it and that she should be concentrating on her. She stopped right away. She didn't know that I had already been thinking about my use(abuse) of adderall because it was mentioned during our Family Education Program at the rehab.

So the next day while I was driving, I really started to think about whether or not I have a problem. In my mind, I was comparing myself to my mother. By no means, was my problem like hers. I mean, I was taking adderall for all the "right" reasons, at least that's what I was telling myself. I got more work done than I ever had in my life, and really felt like I was having these incredible moments of extreme intelligence. That's when it hit me... I am in denial! Oh my God! Everyone is always praising me for being "the hero" and not being like my mother, but I am her... She started with speed in her teens and then switched to alcohol...

I think what scares me the most is that I KNOW I have a problem, but I don't think I'm ready to stop. I wish I could just take the "normal" dose, but I can't, so I know I need to stop completely.

How will I be able to handle my twenty million responsibilities without it? I have always taken on way more than most people. People are always saying, "I don't know how you do it", and that's what drives me. I live to impress other people. I have very little self esteem (people usually don't believe me when I say that because I have always been "an overachiever"), and if I can't do it all, I will feel worthless.

I know I need to do something... but I can't get over that barrier of not wanting to disappoint people. I can't bare the thought of people's reactions if they found out that I'm not so "perfect". I really want to talk to my mom, but I don't want to interfere with her recovery.

Live

I just wantesd to let you know that this forum doesn't get as much traffic as many of gthe others.
Especially slow on weekends.

You will have to address your addiction before you do family of origion issues...

I would suggest a post in newcomers. You will meet a lot of very supportive folks there.

LaFemme

Hi! And welcome...I was the same way about being the perfect one for a long time. My Mom.is addicted to alcohol and painkillers so being the one everyone relied on was Where I got my self worth...of course that's no way to get self worth and I was also an alcoholic. I defined myself as being super woman. Eventually everything fell apart so that definition didn't work so well anymore...but even before that I was working on changing how I viewed myself and my role in relationships. I'm not anywhere near to having it figured out but I figured you would like to hear you are not alone too.

My advice would be to find a good therapist. Until you've at least started to deal with the underlying issues you will probably have difficulty getting off the adderall.

Clean4ever

Hey.... I remember when I found out I was just a human with limitations and it was okay to stop pretending being perfect.... cause I wasnt. Im an addict and just recently accepted Im really an ADULT CHILD. I just purchased my ACOA big book and identify with it more so than my other 12 step literature. It is a big step for you to SEE those things that you MIGHT NOT want to STOP. I hope you will continue to look at your recovery because we can only be responsible for ourselves..Good luck and stay in the PROCESS....Peter

artsoul

From one perfectionist to another: The world really won't stop turning if we don't do it all better and/or faster than everyone else. Infact, what we're really doing is stressing ourselves out, which makes it hard to enjoy life and relax when we need to.

In a way, my addiction to alcohol has put things into perspective for me. Once I realized I was ruining my life and wanted to get sober, it became THE priority for me. Now, if I'm pushing things too hard and getting overwhelmed enough to want to drink, I have to step back and take a time out. Being sober has taken priority over being perfect. Sometimes it's OK just to be human; I don't think the people who really care about us are going to fault us for that!:ghug3

bluewheel

It's ok to be human and not perfect? Really? I can't do (control) this? Really? Why not? That was one of the hardest things for me to handle. I am also a person who thinks that I can do most - scratch that - let me be honest... I am also a person who used to think that I could do it ALL by myself. I too have people tell me that they cannot believe how I get everything done. But I was also "getting it done" when I was sober as well as when I relapsed and was high. I KNOW there is a difference in the QUALITY of 'getting it done'. You can do this if you want it. Hang in there! We are here to be supportive!

Onewithwings

Well, the first step is admitting you have a problem. Things start to fall into place after that. I would urge you to seek a doctor's help in getting off the adderall. My first addiction was ritalin, so I know how hard it is. Those stimulants feel like they give you the power to do it all, but in the end it's not worth it! Things WILL go south if you stay on this route.

For right now, I wouldn't worry about your mother's problems. Concentrate on what YOU need to do to get well. My parents are alcoholics too, but I know I needed to focus on MY addiction and healing MYSELF first so I could be a good support for them.