Need some perspective, please
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
Need some perspective, please
I'm very new to this, although the scope of my daughter's addiction is very wide. We just found out at Christmas time how addicted she is to oxy and xanax. Now it probably includes heroin or meth, possibly cocaine. We don't know that for sure...but the places and people she hangs with are known users and dealers.
Within the last few weeks she's gone downhill faster than we ever imagined possible. She's homeless, penniless, been beaten, thrown down stairs, threatened. She has been in jail 3 times in the last month and is currently sitting in there begging us to bail her out.
We did the first time...only because we are COMPLETELY naive and have no idea how this works. Learning quickly, though.
She will be 27 tomorrow - in jail. She's called begging, pleading, vowing, bargaining, promising, weeping, sobbing...please help me get out. Saw the judge today and her bail was not reduced and she was not let out on her own recognizance because she had a warrant, besides the things she was in there for (drug paraphernalia and theft). She is waiting - who knows how long, could be up to 60 days - to be transferred to another city on the warrant.
Claims she's learned her lesson, will never do anything wrong again, will do whatever we ask her to do, will never miss another court date. "Just please help me get out. PLEASE. It's totally in your hands. I have no where else to turn. I am your child. I don't want to be in here on my birthday. Please, please, please, please, mom. PLEASE. I'll kill myself in here. I'll go insane, I swear it. I'm in pain and feel sick...please help me."
I realize I don't have to answer the phone. I know that. I just need to know how you get over the guilt of leaving them to twist. We told her we will be there for rehab, for job hunting, for support when she is ready to reclaim her life, but we can't be involved in bail.
What can we believe, if anything, that she says? When do you know they really mean it this time? And how do you stop worrying that they will hate you and cut you out of their life? THAT is what makes me want to waffle and cave.
I know we can't enable. I realize jail won't kill her and she can handle it, if she calms down and sits still for 5 minutes and thinks this through. I know it's the withdrawls talking - which she claims she isn't having. I know she probably is.
How do you shut-up the mommy-heart and listen to the logical thoughts?
I KNOW better than to believe her. I KNOW not to. Buy my heart is fighting my head. There must be a sign - a time - when you have to believe them and understand that they are going to try to help themselves. I'm sure it's not during a jail-house-conversion.
Bottom line - I worry (again, with my heart) that she'll hate me forever and the relationship we've kept will be gone.
Within the last few weeks she's gone downhill faster than we ever imagined possible. She's homeless, penniless, been beaten, thrown down stairs, threatened. She has been in jail 3 times in the last month and is currently sitting in there begging us to bail her out.
We did the first time...only because we are COMPLETELY naive and have no idea how this works. Learning quickly, though.
She will be 27 tomorrow - in jail. She's called begging, pleading, vowing, bargaining, promising, weeping, sobbing...please help me get out. Saw the judge today and her bail was not reduced and she was not let out on her own recognizance because she had a warrant, besides the things she was in there for (drug paraphernalia and theft). She is waiting - who knows how long, could be up to 60 days - to be transferred to another city on the warrant.
Claims she's learned her lesson, will never do anything wrong again, will do whatever we ask her to do, will never miss another court date. "Just please help me get out. PLEASE. It's totally in your hands. I have no where else to turn. I am your child. I don't want to be in here on my birthday. Please, please, please, please, mom. PLEASE. I'll kill myself in here. I'll go insane, I swear it. I'm in pain and feel sick...please help me."
I realize I don't have to answer the phone. I know that. I just need to know how you get over the guilt of leaving them to twist. We told her we will be there for rehab, for job hunting, for support when she is ready to reclaim her life, but we can't be involved in bail.
What can we believe, if anything, that she says? When do you know they really mean it this time? And how do you stop worrying that they will hate you and cut you out of their life? THAT is what makes me want to waffle and cave.
I know we can't enable. I realize jail won't kill her and she can handle it, if she calms down and sits still for 5 minutes and thinks this through. I know it's the withdrawls talking - which she claims she isn't having. I know she probably is.
How do you shut-up the mommy-heart and listen to the logical thoughts?
I KNOW better than to believe her. I KNOW not to. Buy my heart is fighting my head. There must be a sign - a time - when you have to believe them and understand that they are going to try to help themselves. I'm sure it's not during a jail-house-conversion.
Bottom line - I worry (again, with my heart) that she'll hate me forever and the relationship we've kept will be gone.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
YouWillBe,
Hello, my name is Beth and I am a recovering alcoholic. I have two children with substance abuse problems, my oldest Richard is in a re-entry (boot camp) type place now after screwing up his parole from prison. (directly related to getting money for heroin). He will be 29 on the 26th of this month. My youngest, my daughter, is in a rehab now (third time since 14) as part of her sentencing for domestic violence (against her boyfriend) and a minor in possession (she blew a .27). she was so drunk she did not recognize me.
My son will not call me for help, nor did he let me know he was going to boot camp instead of prison, he is either ashamed of how he left here (was living with me and his sister, using heroin in the house) or angry because I told him he had to leave.
My daughter did call from jail, expecting me to find $100 from somewhere to get her out of the jail. I said, I am so sorry MB, but consequences SUCK! She cried, she begged, she screamed that I was a terrible mother cause I was a drunk. Okay. She stayed in jail. Not because I was angry, I just knew it was going to be the first few peaceful days I had had in my own home for months. I didnt realize how anxious I was until I took a deep breath when I knew she was safe and unable to drink or do drugs.
Those two weeks proved to be very educational for my daughter. She saw women my age (51!
) who have been cycling in and out of the jail system since they were teenagers. I told her I drank until I was 36, and I missed a lot of life doing that, and I was quite miserable. So, she was safe in there, she knows she doesnt want to go back, and maybe she saw a future that didnt look so great for her.
We are going next week to start community college for her.
My perspective on your situation is, your daughter has not reached a point where she has really felt the consequences. I think the addict is talking to you and not your daughter, yes, she will be withdrawing and very uncomfortable, but maybe that is something she needs to experience to find another way to live.
She will never hate you for leaving her in jail. I am pretty sure she is either still high or withdrawing and not thinking clearly at all. She knows you are the ones who love her and will support a healthy life. My daughter hated me for about 4 hours, then she figured out the reason she was in jail was because of something she did, not something I did. She knows I am there for anything to get her to a better life, better than what I had, making better choices early in life.
I hope this long rambling stuff helped you in some way. She is safe. She has choices to make to change her life, and I think someone who has been abusing the drugs she was will not make good choices right now. Keep her choices limited.
Best to you and your family,
Beth
Hello, my name is Beth and I am a recovering alcoholic. I have two children with substance abuse problems, my oldest Richard is in a re-entry (boot camp) type place now after screwing up his parole from prison. (directly related to getting money for heroin). He will be 29 on the 26th of this month. My youngest, my daughter, is in a rehab now (third time since 14) as part of her sentencing for domestic violence (against her boyfriend) and a minor in possession (she blew a .27). she was so drunk she did not recognize me.
My son will not call me for help, nor did he let me know he was going to boot camp instead of prison, he is either ashamed of how he left here (was living with me and his sister, using heroin in the house) or angry because I told him he had to leave.
My daughter did call from jail, expecting me to find $100 from somewhere to get her out of the jail. I said, I am so sorry MB, but consequences SUCK! She cried, she begged, she screamed that I was a terrible mother cause I was a drunk. Okay. She stayed in jail. Not because I was angry, I just knew it was going to be the first few peaceful days I had had in my own home for months. I didnt realize how anxious I was until I took a deep breath when I knew she was safe and unable to drink or do drugs.
Those two weeks proved to be very educational for my daughter. She saw women my age (51!
) who have been cycling in and out of the jail system since they were teenagers. I told her I drank until I was 36, and I missed a lot of life doing that, and I was quite miserable. So, she was safe in there, she knows she doesnt want to go back, and maybe she saw a future that didnt look so great for her.We are going next week to start community college for her.
My perspective on your situation is, your daughter has not reached a point where she has really felt the consequences. I think the addict is talking to you and not your daughter, yes, she will be withdrawing and very uncomfortable, but maybe that is something she needs to experience to find another way to live.
She will never hate you for leaving her in jail. I am pretty sure she is either still high or withdrawing and not thinking clearly at all. She knows you are the ones who love her and will support a healthy life. My daughter hated me for about 4 hours, then she figured out the reason she was in jail was because of something she did, not something I did. She knows I am there for anything to get her to a better life, better than what I had, making better choices early in life.
I hope this long rambling stuff helped you in some way. She is safe. She has choices to make to change her life, and I think someone who has been abusing the drugs she was will not make good choices right now. Keep her choices limited.
Best to you and your family,
Beth
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: NY
Posts: 1,054
Dearest Youwillbe,
Welcome to SR.
Nothing better than to see one reaching out as you are for help. You're in the right place.
You will see.
I remember my most painful first beginnings here, totally frustrated, feeling totally alone, and helpless to my AH, AD, and AS. Eventually I let go, and it was hard, I cried, it was painful more than anything.
AD was the first to go 7 yrs ago. She was 18. But age 13-18 she was a walking, out of control, nightmare. She refuses to talk to me even still because she is addicted to snorting oxy and doesn't want to face me. Thats okay even though I miss her terrible. I hope one day she will stop her stubborness.
We tried every help and resource available for her.
3 yrs ago AH's addiction nearly killed us all, he moved out and still relapses to this day.
Long long story.
We tried every help and resource available for him.
As for AS, 2 yrs ago I had to get an OOP against him to get him out of here. He was 18 at the time.
We tried every help and resource available for him.
I think what frustrated me the most was that I knew the way to recovery, and they knew but they didn't care, they didn't choose that road.
I was near to totally losing my sanity and having a young son, I needed to keep him safe as well. So I got strong, I kicked them out one at a time, and cried later. Son ended in jail, daughter yrs prior was in jail. I didn't visit them, and I didn't take their calls. I know that sounds harsh, but I didn't want them thinking that was the place for them, and that I accepted it. Seeing them taken in handcuffs and in court was enough. The thoughts of them sitting in a little cell behind bars I can't explain in words, just heartbreaking. They had already been given many chances before they ended up there. They were warned if they continued down that path that would be their destination. Neither spent more than 30 days. They each had been through community recovery 2 and 3 times, they were some of the youngest ones there. I knew there was nothing more I could do, but let go, and let God, and let them figure it out for themselves. It isn't like they didn't have enough education on addiction.
I truly feel for you, because in many ways it feels like such a loss. It's hard to ignore the pleas for help out of jail. You just have to be strong and stick to your word. Your daughter was most likely warned. Don't blame yourself, these are the choices she has made and is reaping the consequences. It's not your job to thwart her consequences.
In many ways that is letting God, He chastens too.
Keep reading, keep coming back, keep sharing.
You will learn to make it through this with sanity left, no matter what happens to her.
Here is a link to the first step....this will help too....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-1-a.html
NH7
Welcome to SR.
Nothing better than to see one reaching out as you are for help. You're in the right place.
You will see.I remember my most painful first beginnings here, totally frustrated, feeling totally alone, and helpless to my AH, AD, and AS. Eventually I let go, and it was hard, I cried, it was painful more than anything.
AD was the first to go 7 yrs ago. She was 18. But age 13-18 she was a walking, out of control, nightmare. She refuses to talk to me even still because she is addicted to snorting oxy and doesn't want to face me. Thats okay even though I miss her terrible. I hope one day she will stop her stubborness.
We tried every help and resource available for her.
3 yrs ago AH's addiction nearly killed us all, he moved out and still relapses to this day.
Long long story.
We tried every help and resource available for him.
As for AS, 2 yrs ago I had to get an OOP against him to get him out of here. He was 18 at the time.
We tried every help and resource available for him.
I think what frustrated me the most was that I knew the way to recovery, and they knew but they didn't care, they didn't choose that road.
I was near to totally losing my sanity and having a young son, I needed to keep him safe as well. So I got strong, I kicked them out one at a time, and cried later. Son ended in jail, daughter yrs prior was in jail. I didn't visit them, and I didn't take their calls. I know that sounds harsh, but I didn't want them thinking that was the place for them, and that I accepted it. Seeing them taken in handcuffs and in court was enough. The thoughts of them sitting in a little cell behind bars I can't explain in words, just heartbreaking. They had already been given many chances before they ended up there. They were warned if they continued down that path that would be their destination. Neither spent more than 30 days. They each had been through community recovery 2 and 3 times, they were some of the youngest ones there. I knew there was nothing more I could do, but let go, and let God, and let them figure it out for themselves. It isn't like they didn't have enough education on addiction.
I truly feel for you, because in many ways it feels like such a loss. It's hard to ignore the pleas for help out of jail. You just have to be strong and stick to your word. Your daughter was most likely warned. Don't blame yourself, these are the choices she has made and is reaping the consequences. It's not your job to thwart her consequences.
In many ways that is letting God, He chastens too.
Keep reading, keep coming back, keep sharing.
You will learn to make it through this with sanity left, no matter what happens to her.
Here is a link to the first step....this will help too....
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...-step-1-a.html
NH7
Then the bird said 'Nevermore'
Join Date: Jul 2009
Posts: 116
welcome youwillbe
i hurt for you after reading your post and will be praying that you are able to find strength to get through the times to come. you are making the right decision not to bail her out. of course she doesn't want to be there, but regardless of what she says, upon her release her thoughts will be only of using.. and she will.
the addict in my life is my (ex)boyfriend who is an iv oxy and xanax addict. as you said mixed in there with heroin and whatever else. he has been in rehab for the last 6 months (longest sobriety prior was 2 weeks on suboxone) battling a 7 year addiction to that junk. in my experience, it is AMAZING how absolutely resilient the addict that lives in our loved ones is. it is a monster that lives inside them and shows its ugly head at the threat of sickness and it will do anything ANYTHING (i'm sure you know) to avoid sobriety.
i'm sure you are very much aware of all of this but i know how difficult it can be fighting back your own heart. you just have to remember that while your daughter is in the fog of addiction, she is not the same daughter you know and love. not until she is sober or making the steps towards sobriety. it's not easy but we can't ask for it to be easier, all we can do is to ask for the strength to manage it.
keep posting and keep reading, you will make it through
xoxo
i hurt for you after reading your post and will be praying that you are able to find strength to get through the times to come. you are making the right decision not to bail her out. of course she doesn't want to be there, but regardless of what she says, upon her release her thoughts will be only of using.. and she will.
the addict in my life is my (ex)boyfriend who is an iv oxy and xanax addict. as you said mixed in there with heroin and whatever else. he has been in rehab for the last 6 months (longest sobriety prior was 2 weeks on suboxone) battling a 7 year addiction to that junk. in my experience, it is AMAZING how absolutely resilient the addict that lives in our loved ones is. it is a monster that lives inside them and shows its ugly head at the threat of sickness and it will do anything ANYTHING (i'm sure you know) to avoid sobriety.
i'm sure you are very much aware of all of this but i know how difficult it can be fighting back your own heart. you just have to remember that while your daughter is in the fog of addiction, she is not the same daughter you know and love. not until she is sober or making the steps towards sobriety. it's not easy but we can't ask for it to be easier, all we can do is to ask for the strength to manage it.
keep posting and keep reading, you will make it through
xoxo
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
youwillbe
I never ever ever thought I would say this to anyone.......I wish my son was where your daughter is now. I use to think that jail would be the worst thing that could happen to our son. Now......meth & heroin.......the "drug community" (his words) versus jail. The choice seems simple and horrifying all at the same time. If he goes to jail, I will thank God that he is safe and can't use.
We have also seen our AS go downhill very quickly in the last couple of months. It is heartbreaking. I understand your pain, confusion, mental anguish.....all of it.
She's called begging, pleading, vowing, bargaining, promising, weeping, sobbing...please help me get out.
This would yank at any mother's heart. I'm learning that I can't believe anything my AS says. He is not the same person I use to know. He is a drug addict and the drugs are destroying his brain. I can't help him. I won't believe that he wants to get clean and sober until he's walking through the doors of a rehab of his own accord.
Jail.....my thought is.....the longest time he has been sober in his entire adult life was the four months after inpatient treatment (via an intervention).....perhaps some jail time would give him the opportunity to be sober for more than four months.
As far as loving him.........if my love could cure his addiction, it would have happened a long time ago. I can't keep trying to prove to him that I love him......if he doesn't know it by now, he never will. And that is his choice too. Just because he thinks I don't love him doesn't make it so. I have nothing to prove.
gentle hugs to you as you deal with this difficult time
I never ever ever thought I would say this to anyone.......I wish my son was where your daughter is now. I use to think that jail would be the worst thing that could happen to our son. Now......meth & heroin.......the "drug community" (his words) versus jail. The choice seems simple and horrifying all at the same time. If he goes to jail, I will thank God that he is safe and can't use.
We have also seen our AS go downhill very quickly in the last couple of months. It is heartbreaking. I understand your pain, confusion, mental anguish.....all of it.
She's called begging, pleading, vowing, bargaining, promising, weeping, sobbing...please help me get out.
This would yank at any mother's heart. I'm learning that I can't believe anything my AS says. He is not the same person I use to know. He is a drug addict and the drugs are destroying his brain. I can't help him. I won't believe that he wants to get clean and sober until he's walking through the doors of a rehab of his own accord.
Jail.....my thought is.....the longest time he has been sober in his entire adult life was the four months after inpatient treatment (via an intervention).....perhaps some jail time would give him the opportunity to be sober for more than four months.
As far as loving him.........if my love could cure his addiction, it would have happened a long time ago. I can't keep trying to prove to him that I love him......if he doesn't know it by now, he never will. And that is his choice too. Just because he thinks I don't love him doesn't make it so. I have nothing to prove.
gentle hugs to you as you deal with this difficult time
Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Waterford MI
Posts: 4,202
As far as loving him.........if my love could cure his addiction, it would have happened a long time ago. I can't keep trying to prove to him that I love him......if he doesn't know it by now, he never will. And that is his choice too. Just because he thinks I don't love him doesn't make it so. I have nothing to prove.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by YouWillBe 
Within the last few weeks she's gone downhill faster than we ever imagined possible. She's homeless, penniless, been beaten, thrown down stairs, threatened. She has been in jail 3 times in the last month and is currently sitting in there begging us to bail her out.
We did the first time...only because we are COMPLETELY naive and have no idea how this works. Learning quickly, though.
She will be 27 tomorrow - in jail. She's called begging, pleading, vowing, bargaining, promising, weeping, sobbing...please help me get out. Saw the judge today and her bail was not reduced and she was not let out on her own recognizance because she had a warrant, besides the things she was in there for (drug paraphernalia and theft). She is waiting - who knows how long, could be up to 60 days - to be transferred to another city on the warrant.
Claims she's learned her lesson, will never do anything wrong again, will do whatever we ask her to do, will never miss another court date. "Just please help me get out. PLEASE. It's totally in your hands. I have no where else to turn. I am your child. I don't want to be in here on my birthday. Please, please, please, please, mom. PLEASE. I'll kill myself in here. I'll go insane, I swear it. I'm in pain and feel sick...please help me."
I just need to know how you get over the guilt of leaving them to twist. We told her we will be there for rehab, for job hunting, for support when she is ready to reclaim her life, but we can't be involved in bail.
What can we believe, if anything, that she says? When do you know they really mean it this time? And how do you stop worrying that they will hate you and cut you out of their life? THAT is what makes me want to waffle and cave.
I know we can't enable. I realize jail won't kill her and she can handle it, if she calms down and sits still for 5 minutes and thinks this through. I know it's the withdrawls talking - which she claims she isn't having. I know she probably is.
How do you shut-up the mommy-heart and listen to the logical thoughts?
I KNOW better than to believe her. I KNOW not to. Buy my heart is fighting my head. There must be a sign - a time - when you have to believe them and understand that they are going to try to help themselves. I'm sure it's not during a jail-house-conversion.
Bottom line - I worry (again, with my heart) that she'll hate me forever and the relationship we've kept will be gone.
We did the first time...only because we are COMPLETELY naive and have no idea how this works. Learning quickly, though.
She will be 27 tomorrow - in jail. She's called begging, pleading, vowing, bargaining, promising, weeping, sobbing...please help me get out. Saw the judge today and her bail was not reduced and she was not let out on her own recognizance because she had a warrant, besides the things she was in there for (drug paraphernalia and theft). She is waiting - who knows how long, could be up to 60 days - to be transferred to another city on the warrant.
Claims she's learned her lesson, will never do anything wrong again, will do whatever we ask her to do, will never miss another court date. "Just please help me get out. PLEASE. It's totally in your hands. I have no where else to turn. I am your child. I don't want to be in here on my birthday. Please, please, please, please, mom. PLEASE. I'll kill myself in here. I'll go insane, I swear it. I'm in pain and feel sick...please help me."
I just need to know how you get over the guilt of leaving them to twist. We told her we will be there for rehab, for job hunting, for support when she is ready to reclaim her life, but we can't be involved in bail.
What can we believe, if anything, that she says? When do you know they really mean it this time? And how do you stop worrying that they will hate you and cut you out of their life? THAT is what makes me want to waffle and cave.
I know we can't enable. I realize jail won't kill her and she can handle it, if she calms down and sits still for 5 minutes and thinks this through. I know it's the withdrawls talking - which she claims she isn't having. I know she probably is.
How do you shut-up the mommy-heart and listen to the logical thoughts?
I KNOW better than to believe her. I KNOW not to. Buy my heart is fighting my head. There must be a sign - a time - when you have to believe them and understand that they are going to try to help themselves. I'm sure it's not during a jail-house-conversion.
Bottom line - I worry (again, with my heart) that she'll hate me forever and the relationship we've kept will be gone.
Welcome to SR. This place just might save your sanity. I know that it has saved mine. Please take time to read the stickies in this forum. They are full of wisdom and will help you figure out where you are in this crazy place called ADDICTION.
My daughter is addicted to oxys. I have also heard the begging, pleading, crying, promising. It breaks a mother's heart. I know. The first thing you must do is let go of your guilt. YOU DID NOT CAUSE THIS, YOU CANNOT CONTROL THIS, AND YOU CANNOT CURE THIS. They cannot keep promises, they just cannot. Our children may mean what they say at the time, but unless they are willing to do some hard LONG-Term treatment, they are just not ready. You just cannot believe their words. You have bailed her out once, maybe spending a birthday in jail will make her realize that she doesn't want to spend any more there. I truly wish I had let my daughter feel her consequences a LONG time ago. She has been in a treatment facility for 4 months now. Maybe that would have happened alot sooner if it hadn't been for her mommy. I came to know that I was just as sick as she was. I too am trying to get well.
Your daughter does not hate you. She will not hate you. Her addiction may hate you, but that is not your daughter talking. Please keep coming back here. I can feel the pain in your post. Your family will be added in my prayers tonite. Sending you some mama hugs that you may find just a little bit of peace.
Gotahavfaith
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Chicago area
Posts: 4,269
Sounds like she is dope sick and will say or do anything to manipulate you to bail her out .
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Her choices have consequences. Give her the dignity of facing them.
You can think about believing her when her actions demonstrate taking responsibility for herself and this is not going to include begging you to do anything for her.
She is safe, off the streets and has been given the opportunity to consider alternative choices.
You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. Her choices have consequences. Give her the dignity of facing them.
You can think about believing her when her actions demonstrate taking responsibility for herself and this is not going to include begging you to do anything for her.
She is safe, off the streets and has been given the opportunity to consider alternative choices.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: ontario, canada
Posts: 540
Welcome to S.R. I am the mother of an AS 23 year old. I too can say I never wanted my son in jail. I enabled him to the ends of the earth. He just got out of jail last week after only one month there. He made every promise under the sun to us to bail him out. We wouldnt, total manipulation. It broke my heart and I wanted to believe him but I knew differently. Unfortunately he got himself out.
First day out, he is back at drinking, Wich will soon lead back to the drugs. He even put 15 lbs on in a month. Know she is safe there and clean. She will never hate you. Deep down she hates herself and what the addiction has done to her life. I'm sorry you are going through this, there is nothing more painful then having an addict child. I believe the sign with your daughter is when you see her working her recovery doing this on her own. For now take care of yourself. ((( hugs)))))
First day out, he is back at drinking, Wich will soon lead back to the drugs. He even put 15 lbs on in a month. Know she is safe there and clean. She will never hate you. Deep down she hates herself and what the addiction has done to her life. I'm sorry you are going through this, there is nothing more painful then having an addict child. I believe the sign with your daughter is when you see her working her recovery doing this on her own. For now take care of yourself. ((( hugs)))))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: WA
Posts: 124
Thank you all so much for the encouragement. It is very comforting to know that other parents have been there, HATE that... and are getting through it.
Last night I told my husband I feel like we are as addicted to wanting to help her as she is to the drugs. And it's true. That instinct to protect, provide, rescue, and reassure is so ingrained in parents brains it makes this almost impossible.
Thank you all again for the support and prayers. This site is a goldmine, truly.
Last night I told my husband I feel like we are as addicted to wanting to help her as she is to the drugs. And it's true. That instinct to protect, provide, rescue, and reassure is so ingrained in parents brains it makes this almost impossible.
Thank you all again for the support and prayers. This site is a goldmine, truly.
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
youwillbe -- there is so much wisdom and caring here - i'm so glad you found this place - i found it after my son had been arrested for the second time on felony charges - he is facing time in prison now - the first time he was given the chance at rehab while on probation - he did really well for the first 8 months or so then made the wrong phone call when he got bored - the rest was a hair-raising, white-knuckle trip downhill - this time he didn't even ask to get out - he said he is glad for the time to get his head straight - i know jail time is not recovery time unless they are actively working their program but it is at least a time when some clear thinking can be accomplished if that is the desire. Your daughter will not hate you - so many others have already said it - right now it is the addict talking, not your daughter - stay strong, take a breath, and keep in mind what you really want for your daughter - you want her well - she is going to have to find that way on her own - this may be the first step on that path
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
The only way I have been able to say "no" was by doing my time at Alanon meetings..it's like training for the codependant olympics..it just kicks in when a crisis comes. It helps me to think that each consequence is one step closer to recovery for them.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Originally Posted by YouWillBe
What can we believe, if anything, that she says? When do you know they really mean it this time?
This changes how we view time, too. It takes TIME to DO (whereas words are instant gratification, to both sides). And she will simply have to spend that time, until she shows a track record of what she DOES. There are no shortcuts.
Words from an addict are useless, because they are not linked reliably to reality. ONLY actions are.
CLMI
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