jerect

I had originally given my AH a 6 months ulitmatium to get his act together or to get out.. but the more I continued to live with his active addiction the more I knew that the only way I could free myself was to file for divorce.

Last week I was on vacation and I was able to see for myself what goes on everyday at my house.. Everday, my ah slept until 2 and 3 oclock in the afternoon only to get up and go to work for a few hours and return home with not even enough money to cover his share of the bills. Never once did he take out the garbage, ran a vaccuum across the floor or even bother to pick up after himself. I tried to reason with him and communicate with him about my needs in our marriage and it just resulted in excuses as to why he can't meet those needs and everything that I'm doing wrong.. I should know by now that you can't reason with an addict, I don't even know why I bothered.

He has been talking about going to detox and even asked me a week ago to hold off filing for a divorce so that the insurance would cover it.. I asked him to give me a date when he thought he would be going.. he did not have an answer, he said he was researching it.. a few days went by and clearly he was not researching anything.. just sleeping and playing video games..

I don't think detox is going to help him.. I personally think he needs to be in a rehab facility and then perhaps a sober living situation afterwards.. but that's only what I think and it's not up to me to make that decision for him..

So after much agonizing, prayer and meditation and a heavy heart, I went to the courthouse on Thursday and filed the papers.. in our case it was way to easy to do.. he had already signed the neccessary papers so he did not have to be served.. they just gave me a court date to show up too and then everything will be final..

I'm on a rollar coaster of emotions.. I LOVE this man.. but I LOVE me too.. I cannot continue to live in a situation that is not going to change.. The codie part of me hopes that by filing these papers it will force my AH to get himself the help that he needs to get while he is still insured.. My insurance will only cover detox so the rest is up to him. I feel so much guilt and heart ache but I know that I did this out of love for both me and my AH.

His parents will not speak to me.. they have not once called me to ask what is going on.. Part of me wants to write them a letter explaining why I did what I had to do but another part of me wants to just leave things alone.. They know that our three year marriage has been nothing but a rollar coaster ride.. they know of his addictions and his struggle to stay clean... I'm trying to make peace with the fact that if they want to paint me as the bad guy and if they need someone to blame then let them.. I know that is not a true reflection of who I am.. it is their problem, their demons and their issues of denial that they need to come to terms with and it's not my job to make them see the truth.

My AH has no where to go, does not make enough money to live on his own and even if he did he is in collections with every utility company in town and I don't even want to know what his credit report looks like.. I have no idea what he is going to do or where he is going to live and it's not my problem. I have given him until November 1st as long as he pays me his share of the bills to get out of my house and then I will have to force him out. I really don't want it to come to that..

I still have a lot of work to do on myself.. this marriage has tought me so many valuable lessons about myself.. it has definetly been three years of growth for me.. but I'm also sad and I'm also mourning a marriage that never really was a marriage in the first place..

suki44883

I'm sorry it had to come to this, jerect. You did what you had to do in order to save yourself. No one can rightfully fault you for that. He's an adult even if he doesn't act like one and he'll just have to figure out on his own what to do.

lightseeker

Jerect -

my heart goes out to you but I really believe that you are doing the right thing for both of you. About the insurance, he is able to utilize COBRA so don't let his comments about detox derail you.

I know you love him but it sounds like maybe you love the illusion/the person that he can be if he were only different. That's always been the hard part of it for me - along with the concept of "what if he gets better and then I miss out".

Recovery is a long and difficult road and from my experience. There hasn't been a whole lot that I would have missed out on (my husband is now 5 years clean). I wouldn't knowingly go through the last five years for ANYTHING ....even if I were to live in utopia from here on out.

There is a lot of grief to process....a lot of times grief is about the should of/would of/ and could of's. It's hard to pull the band aide off but it's better to get it over with and begin the healing. There is a saying "short term pain for long term pain".

I wish that I had spent more time on me and worked on why I chose addicts in the first place. I mistakenly believed that I would be able to adhere to "never again" and I chose the same scenario again and again. It is not a fluke that we end up with who we end up with and it takes a lot of soul searching to unpeel all of the layers to ourselves.

I believe that the true journey is not knowing/loving another person but knowing/loving ourselves. You sound like someone really worth knowing/loving so hang in there girl. Either way you are in a tough "space" but there is light on the other side and you will be guided as long as you continue to seek.......

Keep posting - we are here for you.

Callie

I LOVE this man.. but I LOVE me too

You did what you had to do for YOU Jerect. I remember living in the exact same scenario with XAH. It's not a fun place to be. I'm sorry you're going through this, but you've been here a long time, you've given him every chance. Hugs to you.

ThatLittleGirl

I knew that the only way I could free myself was to file for divorce. - I am sorry you are having to walk this path jerect...very sorry. And I know how difficult it will be to work through all these emotions... But know this decision does free you...to focus on yourself...take care of yourself... And who knows what the result will be for you ah... One thing is for sure...if take care of yourself...everything else will work itself out! One day at a time...Progress not perfection!!!

Ann

Keeping you in my prayers, jerect, as you go through the difficult days ahead.

Big Hugs

MsPINKAcres

HUGS and prayers for continued strength and courage for you.

This is not an easy road to walk - but once our path is before us - it is one well worth taking ~ my divorce has been final for about a year and I have been living separate from "him" for almost 2 yrs.

There has been much pain, sorrow, anger, grief and lots of other things - but mostly there has been relief and freedom ~ Freedom from the daily stresses, fears, unrealistic guilt and false sense of responsibility of someone's life.

Someday you will reach the place of Happy, Joyous and Free - it is a beautiful place!

PINK HUGS,
Rita

lightseeker

Jerect -

just checking on you and wondering how you are doing today. And...just wanted to let you know that I am thinking about you and sending love, prayers, and good thoughts.

JMFburns

Jerect,

I just wanted to let you know that you are in my thoughts.

Freedom1990

I'm sorry for your pain, hon, and I will keep you in my prayers. You do deserve so much more!

I sold myself short for far too many years.

I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but I promise better days are ahead for you. God has wondrous things in store for you.

jerect

I'm hanging in there and trying to deal with all of these emotions that keep popping up.. I go from feeling relieved that the addict will be out of my life soon, guilt for filing for divorce and walking away from someone that I love very much, anxiety of wondering if I'm doing the right thing and wondering if I will regret this in a few years if my AH does indeed get clean and frustration that I still live with an active addict under my roof and legally cannot do anything about it until our divorce is final which will be on Sept 30th. My heart has also been broken into a million pieces and i'm just trying to figure out how to glue them back together again.

Sometimes I catch myself wanting to bargin with him, tell him that I will stay if he goes to rehab for a few months and becomes a responsible adult and husband.. however I know those are my expectations and those things probably will not happen for a very long time.. My AH has been in limbo for almost two years while he is has been on a maintenance program as I like to call it.. taking suboxone in leau of pills.. He is still the same addict he always was just taking a different drug. I keep telling myself that I did this out of love for both of us, love for me because this is not the life that is acceptable to me and love for him because I'm leaving him with no other choice but to get help or hit rock bottom. I have been enabling this man for three years by providing a roof over his head, food on the table and paying his bills. Sure he contributed some with the money he makes waiting tables at night.. but mostly he sleeps all day and plays video games while I try to maintain a household while holding down a full time job. I guess I got tired of living with a teenager instead of a 36 year old man. Thank Goodness neither one of us has any children.. This makes it so much easier.

It's so hard to live with someone who is in denial about their problem and still trying to manipulate you daily into thinking everything is your fault. He says he is serious about recovery, yet he has no sponsor and he attends maybe one meeting a week. He says in the same sentance that he needs to detox but yet he is not addicted to suboxone. He says that it's not the drugs that caused our marriage to crumble that it was me being controling about everything.. I realize that I have said and done things out of fear and frustration due to his addictions that I am not proud of. I have apologized for those things over and over again and refuse to feel anymore guilt. At the time I reacted the best way I knew how to react when one discovers that their spouse is a drug addict. Was it the right reaction, NO!!! but I have sinced learned from my past mistakes and have worked very hard at not repeating them.

I'm rambling here so I will stop...I'm just taking things one day at a time, leaning on my friends for support and doing a lot of talking to my HP.. it's the only thing I can do at this point. I'm trying to let go of the outcome of this and hope that both of us will get to a place in our lives that we will be healthy and happy individuals.

URMYEVERYTHING

I'm sorry that you are going through this. It's always tough and there is no easy answer on how to heal the pain. Time is crucial and you surrounding yourself around positive energy is the best. Also, being real about the situation and knowing that the road ahead will have some bumps. You will have some relapses and that it's okay too. Knowing that you are able to make these hiccups and know that support is there for you when they do happen.

That was the best lesson for me to learn when detaching from my exabf. I had to realize that some days were going to be worse than others. I am just getting to a point where I feel completely justified and okay with the decision I made to split. Was he a great guy? On some days. Is he who I wanted to be with? Heck no. Not someone for life anyway. LOL.

Take your time and be kind to yourself. Know that the days you cry, there will be more days you will laugh.

((HUGS))

sofacat

"Take your time and be kind to yourself.
Know that the days you cry, there will be more days you will laugh."


That's some good medicine.
Thanks, little froggy friend!

lightseeker

glad that you checked in. I know it's hard and there will be times that are harder than others. Just come here and write it all out. We have to go through our own detoxes and it isn't easy at all.

But....it sure is worth it to find a life where there is real joy and serenity.

each day is another day....hang in there!

chicory

Hi Jerek,

I am sorry that you are going through this. I totally understand. This man sounds just like my son, who is living with me. Almost to a tee- except that he is not on suboxone. But would take any pills he could find.

He also blames me , for most of the discord here. I too, have said many things in anger that I wish I had not. The frustration of dealing with him is great, and I have been working very hard on detachment. I dont know if he will ever get his life together, but I know that as long as I provide all the basics, he is going to do nothing. He has been used to being isolated,and spends his time on computer games and talking with friends, etc.

You need to live your life, not wait endlessly for him to live his. He can do what he wants with it, and upsetting his "applecart" will force him to take care of his self, and to be responsible for his own support. Will make him have to get out from in front of the computer!

I often thought that I would warn any woman who may want to marry my son. He is very selfish, and has no pride or self respect. lots of that is my fault. i am working on this, that is why i am here.

I wish I could divorce my son. I would have a long time ago, if he was my husband.

wishing you happiness dear. He is responsible for his own.Odds are,he won't look for it as long as he can "coast", I feel.

hugs,
chicory