I still love him...

Old 08-21-2010, 08:27 PM
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I still love him...

So, against my own advice, I went out with AH 2 nights ago. I left him in April and we haven't had much contact. He recently told me he's started treatment and claims to have been sober 20 days (not much, but if it's true it's longer than I've ever seen him sober). It was good to see him... we went to the movies and afterwards I ended up going over to his new apt... AND spent the night (pg version only). He seems like he might be on the right path, he's been writing in the journal I gave him years ago, and according to him has been attending aa and group therapy. He said things like: "I know I've destroyed a lot and I hope that I/ we can fix it, but let's not rush into this, first I need to find myself again". He was very attentive, caring, not pushy, and most of all SOBER! Like I said it was good to see him, good to see that I don't need to go in full blown anxiety mode anymore when I hear his name or see him. I'm still in love with him. BUT I keep telling myself to keep my distance, to wait it out, to be CAUTIOUS! Easier said than done... I miss him more than ever... want to be with him... want my fairytale life... want, want, want!!! This sucks... it's like an alcoholic who took a sip of beer and now can't stop thinking about how it tasted and made him feel. It's insane! There's so much damage that has been done, that I'm not even sure we'd be able to fix, if he truly was to stay sober, yet all I want is to be with him. Ufff, I gotta get back to where I was a few weeks ago... gotta try to stay busy, gotta try to stay away from him... gotta let him do his thing and then MAYBE at some point we can see if we can find each other again. It's just so damn hard!

Breathe... ok so tomorrow I'm gonna get up early, do some yoga, then do some shopping and then go into work for only 2 hours... I will have a wonderful day and will not think about AH! (positive self-talk)...
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Old 08-21-2010, 08:49 PM
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(((Lotus)))

I'm glad he is sober. That is great news. I hope, like you, that he is able to stay focused on his recovery and continue.

My ex got sober after we divorced.
He is still keeping his side of the street clean.

I am still keeping my side of the street clean.

One Day At A Time

Keep on keeping on!
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Old 08-21-2010, 09:30 PM
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Keep breathing Lotus!
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Old 08-21-2010, 09:49 PM
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Hello

i have never been one who liked to make plans too far ahead, i am pretty spontaneous and go just with the flow! BUT when it comes to my addict, i need/want to know what will happen. will he stay at rehab? will he stay sober? will we be able to work out our issues? will we end up together? for once in my life, i so desperately need to know what is going to happen!

I know how you feel, I know how frustrating it is! I HAVE FOUND THE ANSWER! Let's go to a PALM READER! lol, no. But what HAS worked for me (and it sounds like you're finding the same) staying busy and trying like hell to keep focused on my happiness and my own sanity. If you and your AH have a chance at continuing your relationship it is going to take work on his part and work on your own. I've heard so many times it takes two healthy people to make a healthy relationship, why couldn't I have known that in the beginning? I am focusing right now on keeping an open mind and heart. Remembering that I was happy in my life before my addicts sickness was spilled over onto me, and I do have the ability to get that back.

"Plant your own garden, instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers." So here I am.. planting away! Even though some days I may forget to water!!

let's talk about addictions : yoga and SHOPPING!

xoxo
summer
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Old 08-22-2010, 06:15 AM
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I've not been too many of the AA/ Al Anon couples groups, but from what I saw and heard, there has been magic made (not without MAJOR hard work and pain) in these rooms.
Some couples have divorced, found this group and remarried.
I've met a few (even some last week) who told me (and my ex when he was with me) to hang in there, work the steps, take it slow and it can work out.
The addict needs to be sober though.

Take it slow and if there is hope, I would suggest a group of couples therapy with a therapist that ONLY deals in addictions.

Good luck :-)
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Old 08-22-2010, 06:27 AM
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KEEP RECOVERING.....none of this stops...ITS STILL ABOUT YOU....and i hope you see that...keep moving forward...

of course you still love him, you married the man you wanted to spend the rest of your life with...these are BUMPs in the way...

Glad he sees what he sees...but he needs to do what he needs to do...WORK ON HIMSELF...

at least the NIGHT was, ummm, HEALTHY...hehe
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Old 08-22-2010, 07:42 AM
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Thank you all for your supportive posts!


I still got A LOT of work to do on MYSELF. I've lost that carefreeness that I used to possess and have no idea how to get it back I guess I've made a little bit of process (my roomate lately told me of 2 instances where she said she saw the "real" Lotus coming out - she's only known me post-AH), but for the most part I'm still quite tense and worry a lot.

Still breathing... gonna keep trying to keep my side of the street clean ... gonna do yoga now



Summer - lol, Palm Reader - Why didn't I come up with that? BTW, I love this: "Plant your own garden, instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers."
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Old 08-22-2010, 12:33 PM
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This really was nice to read. I'm holding out hope for ya. But don't be so hard on yourself! One day at a time
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Old 08-22-2010, 01:47 PM
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I was separated from my AH - literally I did not speaking 1 word to him, I cut him off totally, I felt nothing for him for 6 months (or so I thought. I filed D papers - it was so over.

I ran into him and it was like nothing bad had ever happened.

I had total amnesia for about 2 weeks. It was euphoria, we both said and did all the right things. It was perfect, there was nothing that could ruin it...

Then the tsunami came. resentment anger hatred. It was so emotional and it felt so out of control.

After a couple weeks I started to gain back my sanity, not completely I had my moments, but for most part I stayed in control.

He's been sober for 15 months. And things (for us) are pretty normal and happy. I am not oblivious to the possibilities of relapse, but I'm ok with that now.

We will never fit the ideal, nor do I think I want to. And we still struggle with certain things, but now we are capable of working through them.

It can happen, but it is important to stay in control of your feelings and your life.

It is ok to want your husband back - to want that life. After all you married him to be together. It's not wrong to feel that way.

Just take your time & be patient. You will have the rest of your lives IF he stays sober. Let him get some time under his belt. While you keep working on your strength

It is not a very Al-anon way of thinking, I realize, but sometimes it does work.

Hugs to you
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Old 08-22-2010, 05:45 PM
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I still love mine, too. Thanks for this thread.
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Old 08-22-2010, 06:13 PM
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Hi Lotus Here is the full quote

After a while you learn the subtle difference
between holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn that love doesn't mean security
and you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises

you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes open, with
the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child
and you learn to build your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight

after a while you learn that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so, you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone else to bring you flowers
and you learn you really can endure
that you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn and you learn
with every good-bye you learn.


Hope you are able to find some strength in those words, I know that I have

xoxo keep in touch
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Old 08-22-2010, 06:26 PM
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I've always loved my alcoholic boyfriend. I still loved him after I ended our relationship, I loved him when he succumbed to alcoholism, and I still love him today several years after his death. My boyfriend was a good man who suffered from a terrible illness, did his best to overcome it, but it proved to be much too powerful for him.

But loving Richard didn't mean that I would tolerate the behaviors that came along with his drinking. When he was drinking, I chose to love him from afar and separate myself from his alcoholism.

For several brief periods (sometimes as long as 7 months) he achieved sobriety, and I would happily spend time with him. But knowing that alcoholics are prone to relapse, I decided to continue to live apart from him. Ending the relationship and asking him to leave my home was emotionally very hard for me. I didn't want to have to ask him to leave a second time. It nearly broke my heart when I asked him to leave, and based on his actions, I believe it nearly broke his heart, too.

So when he relapsed, which he did several times, I would once again separate myself from him physically and detach from him emotionally and I would end all contact with him. It was just too heartbreaking for me to watch him struggle so and realize that there was nothing I could do to help him. In the end I had to learn to love myself enough to walk away. I didn't pick up the phone the last time he called me; he had become just a shadow of the man I fell in love with. I sure hope he knew that I always loved him but I had to protect myself.
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Old 08-23-2010, 07:00 AM
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My ex ABF has been sober (dry) for over 6 months. When he celebrated 3 months, I saw him for the first time since he asked me to leave ( 3.5 months before ). I was so proud and so happy to hear him speak at his 90 day celebration, to hear his sponsor speak about how hard he was working to achieve long-term sobriety. So when he asked me to begin seeing him again, I did. I love him very much, and have loved him for so long. But it did not take long for him to begin to speak negatively about his AA meetings; to stop writing in his journal, to begin to manipulate me into living with him again. So I broke it off. I felt relieved at first. But I love him still, and I miss him. And the funny thing is that the longer I go no contact, the more my dream of him replaces the actual him in my thoughts. I am working very hard to just live with the pain until it goes away. My heart hurts today, but I know that although my heart still would skip if he called, all of our conversations were leaving me feeling so empty and sad. He said he respected my boundaries, and my need to be healthy myself, but his actions told another story completely. I pray that he is working on himself, and getting back to his program. Maybe someday, we can be together again. I will always love him, but right now, he is not good for me. That is hard to accept.
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Old 08-23-2010, 07:27 AM
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Originally Posted by seekingcalm View Post
And the funny thing is that the longer I go no contact, the more my dream of him replaces the actual him in my thoughts.

Seeking, I understand this completely. It's the fantasy vs. reality game, and I play it in my head, too. Do you keep a written list of the things that happened or were/are not good about the relationship? I have to force myself to read mine sometimes to bring me back to reality. I also have found that if I force myself to talk about my XABF's negative behaviors with a trusted friend, I can hear myself say out loud why I can't go back. That shoots down the fantasy pretty quickly.

Keep reminding yourself of how important actions are compared to words.

I love mine and miss him too. I've been dealing with acceptance too. It will come to you. Take care of yourself. Hugs.
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Old 08-23-2010, 07:41 AM
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Thank you Healing. I have not written these things down, but I will. That's a good idea, and perhaps it will bring me closer to accepting the way things are. So hard to love someone that is not good for you, especially when you thought they were so perfect for you in so many ways.
It helps to know I am not alone. What an awful disease.
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Old 08-23-2010, 07:06 PM
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I found it very therapeutic to write a Pro/Con list of our relationship... I wrote everything that made me feel loved, happy, excited and then everything that made me sad, angry, fearful and hopeless. Once complete, there were a dozen pros and almost 50 cons.

It was a real eye opener for me.
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Old 08-25-2010, 05:05 AM
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I identify with everything everybody wrote in this thread. I did have the list of dealbreakers for me on a little card. I would forget and get pulled back into the magical thinking. I can't just remember the good. I can't just remember his potential and forget the things which day to day made it so hard like lies, sub. abuse, verbal abuse, manipulations, and promises not kept and distrust, porn, and negativity. I will always love the good parts and miss them. I have to remember the whole story. Love the person and hate the disease.....but I know I can't live in active addiction. The little card of the bad stuff was a needed reality for me because I would forget so fast. My XAH never embraced recovery. If he had tried my story could have been different.
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Old 08-25-2010, 08:09 AM
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Originally Posted by Carol Star View Post
I identify with everything everybody wrote in this thread. I did have the list of dealbreakers for me on a little card. I would forget and get pulled back into the magical thinking. I can't just remember the good. I can't just remember his potential and forget the things which day to day made it so hard like lies, sub. abuse, verbal abuse, manipulations, and promises not kept and distrust, porn, and negativity. I will always love the good parts and miss them. I have to remember the whole story. Love the person and hate the disease.....but I know I can't live in active addiction. The little card of the bad stuff was a needed reality for me because I would forget so fast. My XAH never embraced recovery. If he had tried my story could have been different.
Carol-Your words are mine and as I read them this morning, it hit me-as much as I had my list of dealbreakers and having just gone through yet another emotional rollercoaster of emotions, begging, pleading, bargaining, apologies, promises to do better, it finally hit me that it it was my magical thinking, hope for what could have been as opposed to the reality of the situation that has been so hard for to accept and let go.

I can look at all of this subjectively in my brain-the relapses, the angry words, the verbal abuse, the unfulfilled promises, the blaming, the harsh words said and not remembered (added to my dealbreaker list was his latest assertion that he could not remember what he said to me that hurt, upset and angered me so much....because he was a man) and yet, the good times come through, the loving, the laughter, the genuine happiness we shared. Those happened and to remember them is hard, harder than I ever thought it would be which made it harder to let go.

But, like you, there's the other part, the whole story - the lies, the anger, the drinking, the relapses, the fact that he would not embrace recovery-after many things tried-rehab, AA , counseling both separate and together, anti-depressants, baclofen, the list goes on and on and my final realization that the ultimate dealbreaker was that he chooses not to embrace recovery , which is his choice. I have to give him that dignity to live his life the way he chooses and for me, that's the final act of letting go. It's very hard and these past couple of weeks have been a lot tougher for me than I thought they would be.

My story, like yours (and many others) could have been a lot different, but it's not and hard as it is to accept it and let it go, I have to see reality for what it is. Like you, I can't live with active addiction-it's too high a price to pay for my sanity and serenity. That's the bottom line for me.

I'm starting school (after a very long absence) in a couple of weeks, I have Al-anon and other people in my life who help me see these things, I have SR, I have a dog who loves me unconditionally, there's so much in my life I do have and I am so very grateful for all of it.
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Old 08-25-2010, 06:15 PM
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Originally Posted by Linkmeister View Post
the good times come through, the loving, the laughter, the genuine happiness we shared. Those happened and to remember them is hard, harder than I ever thought it would be which made it harder to let go.

My story, like yours (and many others) could have been a lot different, but it's not and hard as it is to accept it and let it go, I have to see reality for what it is. Like you, I can't live with active addiction-it's too high a price to pay for my sanity and serenity. That's the bottom line for me.
I can SO RELATE to your post how hard it was to remember the good times which make it harder to let go.

For the longest time I couldn't understand why and the other day my therapist shed some light on this.

He said that dysfunctional relationships are like old cars. You can spend alot of time and money on an old car: repair the dents, paint it, wax it, buff out the rust, clean the windows until they shine.....but if the engine is bad, if it is too expensive to fix or beyond repair, it will never fulfill your needs!
You are wasting your time and money, but it is so hard to stop, to say I've had enough, because you have invested so much already... it is too hard to walk away and accept that you are stuck with a lemon.

All of us who have seen our investment go down the drain and have chosen reality have lost a lemon but have gained back our sanity and serenity!
Bravo!
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Old 08-26-2010, 07:31 AM
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Originally Posted by groybin View Post
I can SO RELATE to your post how hard it was to remember the good times which make it harder to let go.

For the longest time I couldn't understand why and the other day my therapist shed some light on this.

He said that dysfunctional relationships are like old cars. You can spend alot of time and money on an old car: repair the dents, paint it, wax it, buff out the rust, clean the windows until they shine.....but if the engine is bad, if it is too expensive to fix or beyond repair, it will never fulfill your needs!
You are wasting your time and money, but it is so hard to stop, to say I've had enough, because you have invested so much already... it is too hard to walk away and accept that you are stuck with a lemon.

All of us who have seen our investment go down the drain and have chosen reality have lost a lemon but have gained back our sanity and serenity!
Bravo!
I like the analogy your therapist uses there,groybin.

What came to my mind when I read this was that just when you think you have got the car fixed and it runs fine for a while, getting you thinking that maybe this time the problem had been solved, it breaks down once again, bringing you right back to square one. There's only so many times you can put yourself through this - it's either the same problem or something else that comes up. Do you try and fix the car up once again or, like your therapist said, accept that you have a lemon?

another good tool to put in my recovery toolbox to ease the ache in my heart.........
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