Hello to old friends and new
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 81
Hello to old friends and new
HI everyone,
I started coming here back in 2005 but stopped in 2007. My beloved son is the addict in my life, he is grown and a father. I guess I could say that he has not changed, still in and out of trouble, but at least I have changed because of all the wisdom I received from here and all of you wonderful people.
I don't know why I stopped coming here, but I am glad to be back. I need the loving support and understanding that I can only get here.
My AS has a warrant out for his arrest. When they get him, it will be his 3rd time in jail. He has had 2 DUI's coupled with possession charges and multiple probation violations. That alone breaks my heart, but the fact that my beautiful grand daughter will not be able to see her daddy while he does his time, hurts the most. Also, the worry that he may lose his joint custody of her, and I don't know if I will be able to see her while he is gone.
I have known about this warrant for a couple of weeks. He forged his court ordered alchohol tests. Just another self destructive behavior in a long long line of them.
Sometimes the fear of what is going to happen starts eating away at me, but at least I'm not where I used to be, which would be desperately trying to fix him and make him well and beating myself up because I can't.
I am so thankful that I learned that I really can not cure him. I can only love him and pray for him.
So, hello and hugs to all of you, I am just so glad to be back!
I started coming here back in 2005 but stopped in 2007. My beloved son is the addict in my life, he is grown and a father. I guess I could say that he has not changed, still in and out of trouble, but at least I have changed because of all the wisdom I received from here and all of you wonderful people.
I don't know why I stopped coming here, but I am glad to be back. I need the loving support and understanding that I can only get here.
My AS has a warrant out for his arrest. When they get him, it will be his 3rd time in jail. He has had 2 DUI's coupled with possession charges and multiple probation violations. That alone breaks my heart, but the fact that my beautiful grand daughter will not be able to see her daddy while he does his time, hurts the most. Also, the worry that he may lose his joint custody of her, and I don't know if I will be able to see her while he is gone.
I have known about this warrant for a couple of weeks. He forged his court ordered alchohol tests. Just another self destructive behavior in a long long line of them.
Sometimes the fear of what is going to happen starts eating away at me, but at least I'm not where I used to be, which would be desperately trying to fix him and make him well and beating myself up because I can't.
I am so thankful that I learned that I really can not cure him. I can only love him and pray for him.
So, hello and hugs to all of you, I am just so glad to be back!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Welcome back, Wisher! I was just curious...do you have a good relationship with your granddaughter's mother? You might want to check into Grandparent Rights to see what your options are if the mother were to go for full custody. Of course, if you have a good relationship with her, or could begin one, it might not be a problem. You can't do much for your son, but you should still be able to see your granddaughter. 
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Hello Wisher
Welcome back to SR. I also am the mother of an adult AS. I understand your love and concern. I also have a grandchild as the result of an estranged relationship between my son and his exgirlfriend. I got to see him every week for four years but now......I'm lucky if I see him every couple of months. It's hard but again.....it is something I have no control over. I just cherish the time I do get with him.
I'll look forward to sharing ESH with you.
gentle hugs to you
Welcome back to SR. I also am the mother of an adult AS. I understand your love and concern. I also have a grandchild as the result of an estranged relationship between my son and his exgirlfriend. I got to see him every week for four years but now......I'm lucky if I see him every couple of months. It's hard but again.....it is something I have no control over. I just cherish the time I do get with him.
I'll look forward to sharing ESH with you.
gentle hugs to you
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 81
Hi Suki!
Good question! My relationship with my ex-daughter-in-law is a very complicated one. She does not do drugs or alchohol (thankfully) but she has always been a habitual liar/drama queen. Through their divorce and the subsequent past couple of years, we have gone back and forth between getting along and fighting. I have tried so hard for the sake of my granddaughter to have a relationship with her, but it has been strained at best. I am hoping that she will let me see my granddaughter when the time comes that my son is incarcerated, but I will have to wait and see what she will do. I think she will rather enjoy the power she will hold over me and my family.
Thank you for your response!
Good question! My relationship with my ex-daughter-in-law is a very complicated one. She does not do drugs or alchohol (thankfully) but she has always been a habitual liar/drama queen. Through their divorce and the subsequent past couple of years, we have gone back and forth between getting along and fighting. I have tried so hard for the sake of my granddaughter to have a relationship with her, but it has been strained at best. I am hoping that she will let me see my granddaughter when the time comes that my son is incarcerated, but I will have to wait and see what she will do. I think she will rather enjoy the power she will hold over me and my family.
Thank you for your response!
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
I see. Well, it still might be a good idea to check into Grandparents Rights...you too, Kindeyes. I know that there is case law about it and as I like to say...forewarned is forearmed. 
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
Welcome back, I too was thinking what Suki is thinking...today, grandparents have rights.
If you haven't checked into it, you might want to do.
I too will pray for your son, maybe this episode will help him to see the light!
If you haven't checked into it, you might want to do.
I too will pray for your son, maybe this episode will help him to see the light!
Member
Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: in my own world~
Posts: 1,237
Hi Wisher and welcome back, At this point I wouldn't care who held the power as long as I could get to see my granddaughter. If thats what it takes, so be it...Your granddaughter is the one who'se important here..not mom. Sorry about your son but it sounds like your in a good place. Enjoy and keep coming back. Smiles, Bonnie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 81
Thank you Suki and Dollydo,
I will check into grandparents rights. I guess I am hoping that he will not get that much time, and this will all be over with quickly. But, I know I must prepare for the worst, and in the event of a long sentence, it would be nice to know that I will still see the love of my life, my precious granddaughter.
Thanks to you all for your kind words.
I will check into grandparents rights. I guess I am hoping that he will not get that much time, and this will all be over with quickly. But, I know I must prepare for the worst, and in the event of a long sentence, it would be nice to know that I will still see the love of my life, my precious granddaughter.
Thanks to you all for your kind words.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: The Jungle
Posts: 5,435
Originally Posted by Wisher 
I think she will rather enjoy the power she will hold over me and my family.
I won't pursue a grandparents rights issue because of the conflict and drama that would then surround my sweet grandson. This is a case (for me) where passive behavior is in the best interest of the child. She's a good mother and that's what is truly important. My son, in his current condition in active addiction, is not able to be a good father.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 81
Thanks Bonnie,
Yes, I totally agree that it does not matter who holds the power, it is just what she can do with it. i.e. telling me I can see my grand daughter and then changing her mind. It will be gut wrenching, but I know I can't get ahead of myself. I found that if I just think about today, and not the future, I am able to hold myself together. I will check into grandparents rights as Suki and Dollydo suggested, if I could just know for sure that I would see her, it will get me through.
Thanks again.
Yes, I totally agree that it does not matter who holds the power, it is just what she can do with it. i.e. telling me I can see my grand daughter and then changing her mind. It will be gut wrenching, but I know I can't get ahead of myself. I found that if I just think about today, and not the future, I am able to hold myself together. I will check into grandparents rights as Suki and Dollydo suggested, if I could just know for sure that I would see her, it will get me through.
Thanks again.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 81
Kindeyes,
I admire your wisdom in choosing passive behavior, I too have chose that many times over the last couple of years in regards to my ex-daughter in law. She has exhibited outrageous behavior many a time, but for the sake of my GD I have chosen to rise above it.
I know you all know too well the bizarreness that our addicts exhibit, and then on top of it I have my ex daughter in law who LIES. She used to call me and tell me things my son was doing and I never knew if it was her causing drama or if it were true. Of course my son being an addict means he is quite a liar too, so things were always so chaotic, never knowing what was going on or who was telling the truth.
At least now, I have peace in my detachment from THAT chaos, but my love for my GD keeps me involved.
Hugs.
I admire your wisdom in choosing passive behavior, I too have chose that many times over the last couple of years in regards to my ex-daughter in law. She has exhibited outrageous behavior many a time, but for the sake of my GD I have chosen to rise above it.
I know you all know too well the bizarreness that our addicts exhibit, and then on top of it I have my ex daughter in law who LIES. She used to call me and tell me things my son was doing and I never knew if it was her causing drama or if it were true. Of course my son being an addict means he is quite a liar too, so things were always so chaotic, never knowing what was going on or who was telling the truth.
At least now, I have peace in my detachment from THAT chaos, but my love for my GD keeps me involved.
Hugs.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
(((Wisher))),
I'm sorry for your sorrow and worry. I hope that you will get to see your grand daughter without issues. I am glad that you are here too. I just joined a while back, and have found such compassion and wisdom from some great people. It is helping me to deal with my AS, when I dont know what to do, or how to take care of myself.
hope that your son hits his bottom asap.
chicory
I'm sorry for your sorrow and worry. I hope that you will get to see your grand daughter without issues. I am glad that you are here too. I just joined a while back, and have found such compassion and wisdom from some great people. It is helping me to deal with my AS, when I dont know what to do, or how to take care of myself.
hope that your son hits his bottom asap.
chicory
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 3,335
My son's father has been in and out of jail since my son was born. I had to cut ties with him. Dealing with his addiction, his false promises, and listening to his lies was detrimental to my mental health and my ability to be an effective parent.
I wish that his mother would reach out to me more. I wish she would send her grandson a letter, a birthday card, maybe a christmas gift. I don't know. She doesn't do that. Mostly when I talk to her, all she does is complain about her son and his poor choices. That makes me sad for my little boy. Not only does he miss out on a father, but he misses out on a grandmother as well.
Even if your son loses his custody (becuase that is a consequence of addiction and breaking the law) and his ex is too difficult for you to deal with, you could send your grand-daughter birthday cards. And maybe even a little outfit once in a while. I don't know. It would probably help out and be appreciated.
It's hard to raise a child on your own. Especially when the other parent is a drug addict. It sucks sometimes. I don't know about your grandson's mother, but I would never turn down help. Ever.
The children of addicts are the ones that suffer most by addiction. If they can't have their parents, it would be nice for them to at least have grandparents who stood up for them. Otherwise, they grow up only knowing chaos and loneliness.
I wish that his mother would reach out to me more. I wish she would send her grandson a letter, a birthday card, maybe a christmas gift. I don't know. She doesn't do that. Mostly when I talk to her, all she does is complain about her son and his poor choices. That makes me sad for my little boy. Not only does he miss out on a father, but he misses out on a grandmother as well.
Even if your son loses his custody (becuase that is a consequence of addiction and breaking the law) and his ex is too difficult for you to deal with, you could send your grand-daughter birthday cards. And maybe even a little outfit once in a while. I don't know. It would probably help out and be appreciated.
It's hard to raise a child on your own. Especially when the other parent is a drug addict. It sucks sometimes. I don't know about your grandson's mother, but I would never turn down help. Ever.
The children of addicts are the ones that suffer most by addiction. If they can't have their parents, it would be nice for them to at least have grandparents who stood up for them. Otherwise, they grow up only knowing chaos and loneliness.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome back, Wisher. I'm sorry your son is in trouble, and will keep him in my prayers.
Have you talked to the mama of your grandchild? Maybe that would help you see where you stand as far as visitation. And I agree, find out your rights in case you need to take legal action in the future.
Hugs
Have you talked to the mama of your grandchild? Maybe that would help you see where you stand as far as visitation. And I agree, find out your rights in case you need to take legal action in the future.
Hugs
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 81
Chicory - Thank you for your sweetness and I am so glad that you are here too. Seriously, there is nothing that compares to the acceptance and strength that you gain here. I look forward to getting to know you. ((hugs))
Summer - Thank you for saying you admire my strength. It makes me feel strong just hearing that! I wish I could say that I felt strong all the time, but I don't. Sometimes I feel like I could fall apart with the sorrow of the whole situation, but the whole "one day at a time" strategy really works. For now, I am strong, when I fall apart I will work on getting that strength back. At least now at this point in my life, I have learned that I don't have to totally fall apart anymore.
Hello Kitty - I appreciate what you had to say. Believe me, I will be as involved with my granddaughter as much as I am allowed. And sadly, if I am not allowed to see her, your suggestion of sending cards is a good one. She has lived with me for most of her life (along with her mom and dad in the beginning and then just with her dad after the divorce). I am sorry that your child does not get to see his Grandma, I can't imagine that.
Ann - Thanks so much for your prayers. I have not talked to my GD's mom about this yet, because, no one knows that he has the warrant yet. He is still getting her at his scheduled custody times. But yes, once the cat is out of the bag, I will try to have a heart to heart with her. She is very unpredictable but I have no problem humbly asking for mercy. Thanks again for your prayers.
Summer - Thank you for saying you admire my strength. It makes me feel strong just hearing that! I wish I could say that I felt strong all the time, but I don't. Sometimes I feel like I could fall apart with the sorrow of the whole situation, but the whole "one day at a time" strategy really works. For now, I am strong, when I fall apart I will work on getting that strength back. At least now at this point in my life, I have learned that I don't have to totally fall apart anymore.
Hello Kitty - I appreciate what you had to say. Believe me, I will be as involved with my granddaughter as much as I am allowed. And sadly, if I am not allowed to see her, your suggestion of sending cards is a good one. She has lived with me for most of her life (along with her mom and dad in the beginning and then just with her dad after the divorce). I am sorry that your child does not get to see his Grandma, I can't imagine that.
Ann - Thanks so much for your prayers. I have not talked to my GD's mom about this yet, because, no one knows that he has the warrant yet. He is still getting her at his scheduled custody times. But yes, once the cat is out of the bag, I will try to have a heart to heart with her. She is very unpredictable but I have no problem humbly asking for mercy. Thanks again for your prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by Wisher
HI everyone,
I started coming here back in 2005 but stopped in 2007. My beloved son is the addict in my life, he is grown and a father. I guess I could say that he has not changed, still in and out of trouble, but at least I have changed because of all the wisdom I received from here and all of you wonderful people.
I don't know why I stopped coming here, but I am glad to be back. I need the loving support and understanding that I can only get here.
So, hello and hugs to all of you, I am just so glad to be back!
I started coming here back in 2005 but stopped in 2007. My beloved son is the addict in my life, he is grown and a father. I guess I could say that he has not changed, still in and out of trouble, but at least I have changed because of all the wisdom I received from here and all of you wonderful people.
I don't know why I stopped coming here, but I am glad to be back. I need the loving support and understanding that I can only get here.
So, hello and hugs to all of you, I am just so glad to be back!
Addiction is so hard. Sending good wishes that everything turns out all right for ya.
Gotahavfaith
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Michigan
Posts: 81
Gotahavfaith-
Welcome back to you too! I know what you mean about this site saving your sanity. At my work, no one has any idea of my life. Their children are either babies or safely off at college, building their lives. I feel like an alien sometimes, they no nothing of seeing the police pull into your driveway, or sleepness nights wondering if your child is okay. They have a bad day if their kid gets a C on a test. They would never understand, so I keep it all to myself. My husband and daughter know of everything of course, but, we hardly ever speak of it anymore, its just too painful. So, here I can talk openly about my fears and know that there is no judgement, that is priceless.
I'm glad we are both back!
Welcome back to you too! I know what you mean about this site saving your sanity. At my work, no one has any idea of my life. Their children are either babies or safely off at college, building their lives. I feel like an alien sometimes, they no nothing of seeing the police pull into your driveway, or sleepness nights wondering if your child is okay. They have a bad day if their kid gets a C on a test. They would never understand, so I keep it all to myself. My husband and daughter know of everything of course, but, we hardly ever speak of it anymore, its just too painful. So, here I can talk openly about my fears and know that there is no judgement, that is priceless.
I'm glad we are both back!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Ohio
Posts: 355
Originally Posted by Wisher
Gotahavfaith-
I feel like an alien sometimes, here I can talk openly about my fears and know that there is no judgement, that is priceless.
I'm glad we are both back!
I feel like an alien sometimes, here I can talk openly about my fears and know that there is no judgement, that is priceless.
I'm glad we are both back!
I am glad we are both here too!
Gotahavfaith
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