Healing Your Painful Relationships
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Healing Your Painful Relationships
I found this in my archives and thought it might be good to post (or repost) today.
Healing Your Painful Relationships
By Cheryl Dusty
What is the one thing that all human beings attempt to avoid at all costs? Pain and the slow process of healing. We are a quick fix generation.
I believe that it is possible, through energy and spirit, to get to the very core and heal the issues once and for all. I like things simple, and perhaps this approach will also appeal to you.
Relationships are our greatest teachers in life. Many times relationships mirror back the very qualities or issues that we need to heal in ourselves. Sometimes relationships act as catalyst for the changes that we need to make. Sometimes relationships help us expand our capacity to test and move closer to unconditional love.
How do we take the first step? BY ACKNOWLEDGING OUR FEELINGS!
Ever heard the expression, children should be seen and not heard? Some of us have been taught since childhood that it is not acceptable to express emotion or to show our feelings. There are some people who believe that feelings only get in the way. And then there are those people that believe if they express their emotion, that others will think they are so out of control that they won’t even want to be their friend, let alone their lover. So we learn to play the game of looking perfect lest anyone see that we aren’t who we pretend to be.
What we don’t seem to recognize is that by experiencing and acknowledging our feelings, we are one step closer to identifying the issues in our lives that need healing, as well as coming one step closer to our spirit or connection with whatever you perceive to be your Higher Power or the Devine.
Therefore, to move along in the process of feeling and healing, we have to first identify the emotions that we are experiencing besides anger and fear (I say besides, because those of us who are out of touch with our emotions find it easiest to identify anger or fear). The emotions that we experience are those that we choose to experience. Many of us have stuffed our emotions for so long that we are no longer aware of exactly what we are feeling. This is the case so often in people who have trouble with addictions, eating disorders, conduct disorders, and those that go from one unsuccessful relationship to another. This process will teach us to get beyond what we think we are feeling and into the body of emotions that have been lost to us. Sometimes we have to begin working with those emotions that we feel the strongest. We have to get out of our heads and into our guts and experience these emotions. Living in our heads is a reaction and safety mechanism that protects us from things that we were not able to handle in our pasts. The trick is to determine when a belief or reaction no longer serves us, and we must clear out that belief and replace it with a new one that assists us in our growth and the ability to live a life with purpose. It is not possible to think our way through this territory, we have to gut it out, and allow ourselves to feel and experience these emotions without judgment.
Once we have experienced these emotions, it is time to look at them, and then take them out for a test drive and see how they feel when exposed to the light of day. Each emotion encloses a message that will lead us toward our healing.
NEXT: TOSS OUT THE VICTIM
We are spiritual beings, here on earth trying to have a human existence. Spiritual beings are part of their source; they cannot be separated. It follows that if we are part of our source, which is God or whatever name you call your Higher Power, that we are powerful beyond measure. We just don’t recognize it! It is our true nature to embody and exemplify unconditional love.
There are only 2 emotions: love and the lack of love, better known as fear. Only in the absence of love, can we feel fear and think of ourselves as victims. When we think of ourselves as victims, we give away our power to other people or circumstances. Most of the time, we make this choice sub-consciously. Obviously, why would we choose to give others power and control over our lives and destiny? Therefore if we choose on any level, then we can also un-choose, cant we?
Sometimes we are lucky enough to have what Oprah calls a light bulb moment, and this moment is our catalyst to change. For others, if still requires more work.
It requires going back and figuring out what feelings were present at the time that we assumed the victim role. In all probability, this occurred during our childhood. It could have been at a time of great emotional stress, at the time of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, or during a time of trauma.
We are remarkable creatures. We have the ability to create any reality that we choose to manifest. Just think of the last time you went to a movie and felt as if you absolutely hated the villain. This role was created by an actor who became the role or villain. It didn’t matter if the last film that you saw him in was great; today you really thought he was a schmuck.
So now that you have located the feeling and remembered the memories, the question for you is ask yourself, what was the purpose for assuming the role of the victim? The purpose is not to make a judgment that you were wrong to do this at that time, only to determine what need that served for you and whether it still serves you today.
You will have to learn to listen for the answer. In this case, your Angels or your Higher Power may speak to you in any number of ways. You will have to be vigilant to hear the answers. For some, it actually comes as words in your head. For others, the light bulb moment comes while watching a television program, reading a book or magazine, having a conversation in the dentist’s waiting room, or standing in line at Wal-Mart. But if you listen it will come.
WHATS BEHIND DOOR NUMBER THREE?
Now comes the hard part. This is the part that we have blocked because its been so painful for us to look at. This is where we have to look at the part we played in the situation. In any situation that had enough impact in our lives to shut us down, there is a reason that we chose to participate. Now before you panic and think why would a child choose to be abused? or why would I marry an alcoholic?, there is a reason. And we have to ask for the answer and once again be willing to listen to the answer. And the answer will always have to do with the lessons that we came here to learn, no matter how painful. Sometimes a soul agrees to participate in a scenario as the victim for any number of reasons, but could include 1)so that you might find your healing and heal others 2)so that the abuser would have a victim and therefore have the opportunity to turn toward the light for their healing and forgiveness 3)because your soul agreed to this role before you were born 4)many abuse victims learn to tap into their psychic abilities and help others 5)to help you learn strength and boundaries 6)to enable you to remember who you really are, a soul that cannot be harmed, or any reason that the angels share with you. We have chosen this episode for a specific reason. If we try and hide from that reason, we continue to bring hurtful situations into our lives until we take the opportunity to heal. All we have to do is ask for our true purpose in the situation and then listen for the answer. It will come
WILL IT EVER STOP HURTING?
In a nutshell, yes, it begins as soon as we are able to see the things that need to be healed. I suppose that it’s like making the decision of either wanting to grow mold in the dark, or wanting to grow roses in the sunshine. The most beautiful moments in our lives happen in the light of spirits love.
So, you’ve identified what you need to heal. Now what do we do with it? We send it away to be purified. Let me give you an example. Let’s say that the issue that you ultimately identified was abandonment (it began in your childhood and continued into friendships and relationships as you matured). You begin by imagining what abandonment might look like to you. Let’s say that you decide that it looks like a big, dark, gooey ball. Yuk! I don’t want it!! So, close your eyes and imagine that big, ugly, gooey dark ball in the palm of your hand. Hold out your arm so that you can feel the weight of that ball in the palm of your hand.
Now imagine that ball surrounded by the pink light of love, warming its surface, softening it. Just let it stay surrounded in the pink for a minute. Now, surround that pink in a lovely shade of green for healing. See all of those ridges and indentations begin to smooth out. It even feels a bit lighter. Now it’s time to let it go. Ask the Angels to take this ball of abandonment and take it to the light for purification. Feel it lifting from the palm of your hand, rising into infinity until you can no longer see it. Lower your hand and thank the Angels for lifting this burden from you.
Breathe deeply and slowly. Now see the pink and green light slowly descending from the heavens into the top of your head. Feel it slowly ooze into your head, all warm and wonderful. Feel it move down through your throat and into your chest cavity. Feel it encircle your heart. Feel the love and healing come into your heart and into your soul.
Now I need to mention how you may still feel about the person or situation that caused you this hurt. The hurt of abandonment has come back into your body healed and whole. But what about those that you may feel caused this to you? Just as you have been healed by Spirit, so can those others who need it in their lives. If you have trouble with this process, I suggest reading Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. It will help you understand why forgiveness is important for you and your soul’s journey. It is possible to forgive another human being who is trying to have a spiritual experience and not forgive the act itself.
CHECK UP FROM THE NECK UP
Just to make sure that we have adequately addressed the issues that need to be healed, it would be best to re-visit that memory one more time. See if you experience any changes in perception. If you see or feel nothing, you have healed this issue. If there is still some vestige of emotion left, then you will want to try the process again. That does not mean that you have failed in your attempts. It just means that there was more to the situation than first met the eye. Once you have tried the process, you will find that it is far less intimidating the second time.
We need to remember that each person or situation that comes into our lives comes with an invitation from us. They come for blessings and they come for lessons. They come for our highest and best purpose and they come for our healing and to lead us down our path. Mostly we need to remember that they come from our spirit. Perception is everything. It’s like making lemonade from lemons. We just have to use the right recipe.
Healing Your Painful Relationships
By Cheryl Dusty
What is the one thing that all human beings attempt to avoid at all costs? Pain and the slow process of healing. We are a quick fix generation.
I believe that it is possible, through energy and spirit, to get to the very core and heal the issues once and for all. I like things simple, and perhaps this approach will also appeal to you.
Relationships are our greatest teachers in life. Many times relationships mirror back the very qualities or issues that we need to heal in ourselves. Sometimes relationships act as catalyst for the changes that we need to make. Sometimes relationships help us expand our capacity to test and move closer to unconditional love.
How do we take the first step? BY ACKNOWLEDGING OUR FEELINGS!
Ever heard the expression, children should be seen and not heard? Some of us have been taught since childhood that it is not acceptable to express emotion or to show our feelings. There are some people who believe that feelings only get in the way. And then there are those people that believe if they express their emotion, that others will think they are so out of control that they won’t even want to be their friend, let alone their lover. So we learn to play the game of looking perfect lest anyone see that we aren’t who we pretend to be.
What we don’t seem to recognize is that by experiencing and acknowledging our feelings, we are one step closer to identifying the issues in our lives that need healing, as well as coming one step closer to our spirit or connection with whatever you perceive to be your Higher Power or the Devine.
Therefore, to move along in the process of feeling and healing, we have to first identify the emotions that we are experiencing besides anger and fear (I say besides, because those of us who are out of touch with our emotions find it easiest to identify anger or fear). The emotions that we experience are those that we choose to experience. Many of us have stuffed our emotions for so long that we are no longer aware of exactly what we are feeling. This is the case so often in people who have trouble with addictions, eating disorders, conduct disorders, and those that go from one unsuccessful relationship to another. This process will teach us to get beyond what we think we are feeling and into the body of emotions that have been lost to us. Sometimes we have to begin working with those emotions that we feel the strongest. We have to get out of our heads and into our guts and experience these emotions. Living in our heads is a reaction and safety mechanism that protects us from things that we were not able to handle in our pasts. The trick is to determine when a belief or reaction no longer serves us, and we must clear out that belief and replace it with a new one that assists us in our growth and the ability to live a life with purpose. It is not possible to think our way through this territory, we have to gut it out, and allow ourselves to feel and experience these emotions without judgment.
Once we have experienced these emotions, it is time to look at them, and then take them out for a test drive and see how they feel when exposed to the light of day. Each emotion encloses a message that will lead us toward our healing.
NEXT: TOSS OUT THE VICTIM
We are spiritual beings, here on earth trying to have a human existence. Spiritual beings are part of their source; they cannot be separated. It follows that if we are part of our source, which is God or whatever name you call your Higher Power, that we are powerful beyond measure. We just don’t recognize it! It is our true nature to embody and exemplify unconditional love.
There are only 2 emotions: love and the lack of love, better known as fear. Only in the absence of love, can we feel fear and think of ourselves as victims. When we think of ourselves as victims, we give away our power to other people or circumstances. Most of the time, we make this choice sub-consciously. Obviously, why would we choose to give others power and control over our lives and destiny? Therefore if we choose on any level, then we can also un-choose, cant we?
Sometimes we are lucky enough to have what Oprah calls a light bulb moment, and this moment is our catalyst to change. For others, if still requires more work.
It requires going back and figuring out what feelings were present at the time that we assumed the victim role. In all probability, this occurred during our childhood. It could have been at a time of great emotional stress, at the time of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse, or during a time of trauma.
We are remarkable creatures. We have the ability to create any reality that we choose to manifest. Just think of the last time you went to a movie and felt as if you absolutely hated the villain. This role was created by an actor who became the role or villain. It didn’t matter if the last film that you saw him in was great; today you really thought he was a schmuck.
So now that you have located the feeling and remembered the memories, the question for you is ask yourself, what was the purpose for assuming the role of the victim? The purpose is not to make a judgment that you were wrong to do this at that time, only to determine what need that served for you and whether it still serves you today.
You will have to learn to listen for the answer. In this case, your Angels or your Higher Power may speak to you in any number of ways. You will have to be vigilant to hear the answers. For some, it actually comes as words in your head. For others, the light bulb moment comes while watching a television program, reading a book or magazine, having a conversation in the dentist’s waiting room, or standing in line at Wal-Mart. But if you listen it will come.
WHATS BEHIND DOOR NUMBER THREE?
Now comes the hard part. This is the part that we have blocked because its been so painful for us to look at. This is where we have to look at the part we played in the situation. In any situation that had enough impact in our lives to shut us down, there is a reason that we chose to participate. Now before you panic and think why would a child choose to be abused? or why would I marry an alcoholic?, there is a reason. And we have to ask for the answer and once again be willing to listen to the answer. And the answer will always have to do with the lessons that we came here to learn, no matter how painful. Sometimes a soul agrees to participate in a scenario as the victim for any number of reasons, but could include 1)so that you might find your healing and heal others 2)so that the abuser would have a victim and therefore have the opportunity to turn toward the light for their healing and forgiveness 3)because your soul agreed to this role before you were born 4)many abuse victims learn to tap into their psychic abilities and help others 5)to help you learn strength and boundaries 6)to enable you to remember who you really are, a soul that cannot be harmed, or any reason that the angels share with you. We have chosen this episode for a specific reason. If we try and hide from that reason, we continue to bring hurtful situations into our lives until we take the opportunity to heal. All we have to do is ask for our true purpose in the situation and then listen for the answer. It will come
WILL IT EVER STOP HURTING?
In a nutshell, yes, it begins as soon as we are able to see the things that need to be healed. I suppose that it’s like making the decision of either wanting to grow mold in the dark, or wanting to grow roses in the sunshine. The most beautiful moments in our lives happen in the light of spirits love.
So, you’ve identified what you need to heal. Now what do we do with it? We send it away to be purified. Let me give you an example. Let’s say that the issue that you ultimately identified was abandonment (it began in your childhood and continued into friendships and relationships as you matured). You begin by imagining what abandonment might look like to you. Let’s say that you decide that it looks like a big, dark, gooey ball. Yuk! I don’t want it!! So, close your eyes and imagine that big, ugly, gooey dark ball in the palm of your hand. Hold out your arm so that you can feel the weight of that ball in the palm of your hand.
Now imagine that ball surrounded by the pink light of love, warming its surface, softening it. Just let it stay surrounded in the pink for a minute. Now, surround that pink in a lovely shade of green for healing. See all of those ridges and indentations begin to smooth out. It even feels a bit lighter. Now it’s time to let it go. Ask the Angels to take this ball of abandonment and take it to the light for purification. Feel it lifting from the palm of your hand, rising into infinity until you can no longer see it. Lower your hand and thank the Angels for lifting this burden from you.
Breathe deeply and slowly. Now see the pink and green light slowly descending from the heavens into the top of your head. Feel it slowly ooze into your head, all warm and wonderful. Feel it move down through your throat and into your chest cavity. Feel it encircle your heart. Feel the love and healing come into your heart and into your soul.
Now I need to mention how you may still feel about the person or situation that caused you this hurt. The hurt of abandonment has come back into your body healed and whole. But what about those that you may feel caused this to you? Just as you have been healed by Spirit, so can those others who need it in their lives. If you have trouble with this process, I suggest reading Radical Forgiveness by Colin Tipping. It will help you understand why forgiveness is important for you and your soul’s journey. It is possible to forgive another human being who is trying to have a spiritual experience and not forgive the act itself.
CHECK UP FROM THE NECK UP
Just to make sure that we have adequately addressed the issues that need to be healed, it would be best to re-visit that memory one more time. See if you experience any changes in perception. If you see or feel nothing, you have healed this issue. If there is still some vestige of emotion left, then you will want to try the process again. That does not mean that you have failed in your attempts. It just means that there was more to the situation than first met the eye. Once you have tried the process, you will find that it is far less intimidating the second time.
We need to remember that each person or situation that comes into our lives comes with an invitation from us. They come for blessings and they come for lessons. They come for our highest and best purpose and they come for our healing and to lead us down our path. Mostly we need to remember that they come from our spirit. Perception is everything. It’s like making lemonade from lemons. We just have to use the right recipe.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
Originally Posted by CatsPajamas 
Many of us have stuffed our emotions for so long that we are no longer aware of exactly what we are feeling. This is the case so often in people who have trouble with addictions, eating disorders, conduct disorders, and those that go from one unsuccessful relationship to another. This process will teach us to get beyond what we think we are feeling and into the body of emotions that have been lost to us. Sometimes we have to begin working with those emotions that we feel the strongest. We have to get out of our heads and into our guts and experience these emotions. Living in our heads is a reaction and safety mechanism that protects us from things that we were not able to handle in our pasts. The trick is to determine when a belief or reaction no longer serves us, and we must clear out that belief and replace it with a new one that assists us in our growth and the ability to live a life with purpose. It is not possible to think our way through this territory, we have to gut it out, and allow ourselves to feel and experience these emotions without judgment.
Scary stuff and lots of food for though. Thanks for posting this!
Member
Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
right there with you BW - I often feel that I live in my brain, that my body doesn't belong to me, it's just a thing that is attached to me. During one episode of untreated depression long ago, I could literally see the edges of my body disolving into the surroundings (which prompted me to get to the GP LOL).
I was told by my therapist (I haven't seen her for ages now) that applying "shoulds" to feelings, or indeed any jugement really is not a route to happiness or health.
That feelings and thoughts just are, judging them to be right or wrong doesn't really get us anywhere, I had lots of problems with this, because as far as I knew (living in my brain) I was my thoughts and feelings and memories, if I wasn't a sum of those, what on earth was I? So if I had a feeling that I labelled "bad" or "wrong" then I was bad or wrong, rather than someone who just was experiencing a feeling. She got me to name them out loud, to try and see them as other than the core of me, like feeling cold or tired - these are not wrong, or right, they just are. The same with if I am feeling jealous, angry, hatred, sadness, pain; these are not comfortable but they are not things I shouldn't be feeling.
(I'm getting there - the concept is fine, the practice slips ;-))
She also got me to start seperating feeling something, dealing with feeling something and acting on it: I can feel angry without stuffign the feeling down (my number one operating procedure) or acting angry (my new operating procedure once I realised I needed to feel them), or wallowing in them (which was how I had tried to operate next - becasue its all very well saying "feel your feelings" but without instruction on how to start you may as well keep repeating "you need to split that atom" - I had no idea how to do it....) and that feeling them, for me right now starts with acknowledging them: saying OUT LOUD (because we were heavily encouraged not to discuss painful feelings) " I see I feel jealous, I think I feel jealous becasue of x, y, z" I think I'll sit with that feeling for a while before deciding if I need to take any action. then writing about it later, but still not taking action (I'm a terror for acting straight away).
anyway - that's how far I've got, no idea about what comes next as I have had to stop going temporarily becasue of divorce and finances etc, but its a start, hope others have experiences to share about what is working for them.
I was told by my therapist (I haven't seen her for ages now) that applying "shoulds" to feelings, or indeed any jugement really is not a route to happiness or health.
That feelings and thoughts just are, judging them to be right or wrong doesn't really get us anywhere, I had lots of problems with this, because as far as I knew (living in my brain) I was my thoughts and feelings and memories, if I wasn't a sum of those, what on earth was I? So if I had a feeling that I labelled "bad" or "wrong" then I was bad or wrong, rather than someone who just was experiencing a feeling. She got me to name them out loud, to try and see them as other than the core of me, like feeling cold or tired - these are not wrong, or right, they just are. The same with if I am feeling jealous, angry, hatred, sadness, pain; these are not comfortable but they are not things I shouldn't be feeling.
(I'm getting there - the concept is fine, the practice slips ;-))
She also got me to start seperating feeling something, dealing with feeling something and acting on it: I can feel angry without stuffign the feeling down (my number one operating procedure) or acting angry (my new operating procedure once I realised I needed to feel them), or wallowing in them (which was how I had tried to operate next - becasue its all very well saying "feel your feelings" but without instruction on how to start you may as well keep repeating "you need to split that atom" - I had no idea how to do it....) and that feeling them, for me right now starts with acknowledging them: saying OUT LOUD (because we were heavily encouraged not to discuss painful feelings) " I see I feel jealous, I think I feel jealous becasue of x, y, z" I think I'll sit with that feeling for a while before deciding if I need to take any action. then writing about it later, but still not taking action (I'm a terror for acting straight away).
anyway - that's how far I've got, no idea about what comes next as I have had to stop going temporarily becasue of divorce and finances etc, but its a start, hope others have experiences to share about what is working for them.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
My first Al Anon sponsor was a wonderful and wise woman. The things she shared with me early on in my recovery were simple yet profound:
(1) Feelings are just feelings. They are NOT facts. That was huge for me. I honestly didn't realize it before she talked to me about it. It seemed like if I felt it, it must be true!
Then we moved into the 3 A's - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I was so eager to "get better" that I wanted to move thru things quickly. It took time for me to get the acceptance part - I couldn't just become aware of something and then immediately take an action. I had to work thru the acceptance part - and feel all those feelings that went along with whatever I was accepting.
It's a process, but a good one.
(1) Feelings are just feelings. They are NOT facts. That was huge for me. I honestly didn't realize it before she talked to me about it. It seemed like if I felt it, it must be true!
Then we moved into the 3 A's - Awareness, Acceptance and Action. I was so eager to "get better" that I wanted to move thru things quickly. It took time for me to get the acceptance part - I couldn't just become aware of something and then immediately take an action. I had to work thru the acceptance part - and feel all those feelings that went along with whatever I was accepting.
It's a process, but a good one.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
This is me! I live in my head. I am disconnected to my emotions. How do I reconnect? How do I know I'm feeling what I 'should' be feeling? How do I learn to know what these feelings are? I think I am emotionally distant to people. How do I break down my protective barriers?
DITTO Bookwyrm!
Thanks for this Cats - great inspiring stuff.
Peace-
B
DITTO Bookwyrm!
Thanks for this Cats - great inspiring stuff.
Peace-
B
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