3 days drinking again=felony
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
3 days drinking again=felony
Well- AH assaulted me Monday nite- I called 911 (which I have never done) he is currently in jail with a domestic assault charge and a flleeing charge. He called 35 times tuesday- I did not answer. He finally managed to call from a # I didnt know and I answered. He asked me to come to the court date tomarrow I said no.
He had a 3 day relapse and this is were it went. I love him but something must change this time. I went to an alanon mtg last nite- not one tonite- so I'll wait till 2marrow. He's sorry, of course-- says he'll do anger mgmt, rehabe IOP therapy with me. whatever I want If I wont leave him. I need perspective- I know I am no longer willing to live like this- but i cant say Im ready to throw in the towel either-He's scared to death he will get major jail time- I told him my hands are off this, Im not going to court to support him. Let the chips fall where they may. Im angry and sad, but mostly confused.
He had a 3 day relapse and this is were it went. I love him but something must change this time. I went to an alanon mtg last nite- not one tonite- so I'll wait till 2marrow. He's sorry, of course-- says he'll do anger mgmt, rehabe IOP therapy with me. whatever I want If I wont leave him. I need perspective- I know I am no longer willing to live like this- but i cant say Im ready to throw in the towel either-He's scared to death he will get major jail time- I told him my hands are off this, Im not going to court to support him. Let the chips fall where they may. Im angry and sad, but mostly confused.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Ellima,
I am so sorry. You must be just sickened about all of this. It must have been frightening for you, too. I am glad that you called the police, tho. No one has the right to assault anyone. Would he have attacked anyone besides you, do you think?
Do you have children together?
It always helps me to take time to think things over very carefully, and to let my thoughts sort themselves. It is probably fair to say that once someone assaults you, they will probably do it again, unless the cause is gone (alcohol,anger and whatever else)
hugs, annette
I am so sorry. You must be just sickened about all of this. It must have been frightening for you, too. I am glad that you called the police, tho. No one has the right to assault anyone. Would he have attacked anyone besides you, do you think?
Do you have children together?
It always helps me to take time to think things over very carefully, and to let my thoughts sort themselves. It is probably fair to say that once someone assaults you, they will probably do it again, unless the cause is gone (alcohol,anger and whatever else)
hugs, annette
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
I am sorry you are having to go through this.
I have been there, and, done that.
All I can say is that this is his problem, he needs help, he needs to want recovery more than anything else in life....that includes you. I also know that once the physical violence starts without long term councling nothing changes, it will get worse.
Protect yourself, be smart, alcoholics and drug addicts can be very convincing, don't listen to his words, they mean nothing, actions, actions, nothing but actions.
Hugs,
Dolly
I have been there, and, done that.
All I can say is that this is his problem, he needs help, he needs to want recovery more than anything else in life....that includes you. I also know that once the physical violence starts without long term councling nothing changes, it will get worse.
Protect yourself, be smart, alcoholics and drug addicts can be very convincing, don't listen to his words, they mean nothing, actions, actions, nothing but actions.
Hugs,
Dolly
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
I am so sorry this has come into your life.
I, too, have been there done that.
Could I suggest domestic violence counseling (for you) in addition to al-anon?
It was some of the best help I have EVER received.
I, too, have been there done that.
Could I suggest domestic violence counseling (for you) in addition to al-anon?
It was some of the best help I have EVER received.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by ellima01 
I know I am no longer willing to live like this- but i cant say Im ready to throw in the towel either-
One--it will keep you and your child safe. This is of utmost importance.
Two--it will give you the time and peace to sort out your thoughts.
You don't have to file for divorce, or make any big decisions immediately. Just getting away from him is enough for now.
L
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
(((ellima)))
I am sorry this happened to you.
Please continue to reach out for support in your community.
Domestic violence counseling, Alanon and friends can help you find solutions.
We are here to support you along the way.
I am sorry this happened to you.
Please continue to reach out for support in your community.
Domestic violence counseling, Alanon and friends can help you find solutions.
We are here to support you along the way.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Ellimae,
I am so sorry this has happened. It's good take some time and to look at your options. I've been thru this a time or two myself. In my experiences, I learned not to bail anyone out of jail... choices/actions = consequences. That was easy for my head to understand but VERY hard to carry out, especially with my A leaving me messages, crying, begging for me to bail him out etc.
I made a call to a domestic violence counseling place, and I went to a few of their meetings. In the end they told me that I was getting what I needed from my Al Anon meetings, but it was good to go and hear other women's stories and to learn more about boundaries.
The very best thing that happened for me was that I was surrounded by healthy recovery friends and that NO one told me what I should or should not do with regards to leaving my A. They listened, they encouraged, they helped me with some emergency escape planning, and they supported me in my growth and my own recovery.
I hope you find yourself in the same place, surrounded by healthy recovery friends who will support you and love you through this.
I am so sorry this has happened. It's good take some time and to look at your options. I've been thru this a time or two myself. In my experiences, I learned not to bail anyone out of jail... choices/actions = consequences. That was easy for my head to understand but VERY hard to carry out, especially with my A leaving me messages, crying, begging for me to bail him out etc.
I made a call to a domestic violence counseling place, and I went to a few of their meetings. In the end they told me that I was getting what I needed from my Al Anon meetings, but it was good to go and hear other women's stories and to learn more about boundaries.
The very best thing that happened for me was that I was surrounded by healthy recovery friends and that NO one told me what I should or should not do with regards to leaving my A. They listened, they encouraged, they helped me with some emergency escape planning, and they supported me in my growth and my own recovery.
I hope you find yourself in the same place, surrounded by healthy recovery friends who will support you and love you through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
Ellimae,
I am truly saddened to read your post today. Abuse of any kind is wrong and cannot be justified under ANY circumstances. You are going through a lot right now. Please be gentle with yourself, love your children and don't make any rash decisions until your heart is quieted and your head is clear. There are great resources available to you: Alanon, domestic violence counseling at local shelters, SR community. All here to help!
I am truly saddened to read your post today. Abuse of any kind is wrong and cannot be justified under ANY circumstances. You are going through a lot right now. Please be gentle with yourself, love your children and don't make any rash decisions until your heart is quieted and your head is clear. There are great resources available to you: Alanon, domestic violence counseling at local shelters, SR community. All here to help!
Striving to be a better Man!
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Pacific Northwest
Posts: 266
My first thought is. Omg! Are you oK?.. Too many women (even some men) let the cycle continue and always ends really badly.. Good for you making a stand. I'm sure its hard but once the d-violence starts it never seems to end well..
hugs and stay strong.
hugs and stay strong.
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
I'm so sorry this happened, but you have done all the right things for yourself: called the police, refused to bail him out, refused to take his phone calls.
I agree with the DV counseling. Although a lot of abusers will become violent when they drink, non-violent men do not become violent when they drink. It is really a separate issue from the alcohol.
I worked in the DV field for close to 10 years. I recommend that you get a restraining order, and USE IT. That means calling the police if he telephones you or emails you or shows up at your house begging for forgiveness. SOME abusers respond to treatment, but they have to be highly motivated. Most are not. Most will agree to treatment as a condition of probation, but simply going doesn't mean they are truly taking responsibility and working to change.
Abuse is likely to get worse, not better. Particularly if the abuser thinks he can manipulate his way out of consequences.
Do NOT lie to the police or prosecutors about what happened. If you want him to get treatment, let them know that, but don't minimize what occurred out of some desire to "help" him. You need to protect yourself and he needs to know that there are consequences for his actions--that they are acceptable neither to you nor to civilized society.
I agree with the DV counseling. Although a lot of abusers will become violent when they drink, non-violent men do not become violent when they drink. It is really a separate issue from the alcohol.
I worked in the DV field for close to 10 years. I recommend that you get a restraining order, and USE IT. That means calling the police if he telephones you or emails you or shows up at your house begging for forgiveness. SOME abusers respond to treatment, but they have to be highly motivated. Most are not. Most will agree to treatment as a condition of probation, but simply going doesn't mean they are truly taking responsibility and working to change.
Abuse is likely to get worse, not better. Particularly if the abuser thinks he can manipulate his way out of consequences.
Do NOT lie to the police or prosecutors about what happened. If you want him to get treatment, let them know that, but don't minimize what occurred out of some desire to "help" him. You need to protect yourself and he needs to know that there are consequences for his actions--that they are acceptable neither to you nor to civilized society.
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: England
Posts: 137
Oh no are your ok? really felt upset for you reading your post.
He may be sry now, full of remorse and wishing he didnt do that to you, because now he is in jail, sober and thinking straight, however the next time he is drunk all such feelings disappear and in his drunken state his mind tells him that is is perfectly ok to assault you.
When drunk everything that the person is doing/saying or how they are acting seems oh so right, it is only when they are sober they realise that is was NOT alright at all.
Once a person turns violent for whatever reason you are in danger and never know the minute he will flip again, even an innocent remark can set him off, I really hope you can stay strong hun and get this man out of your life until he can kick his additctions.
Suzie x
He may be sry now, full of remorse and wishing he didnt do that to you, because now he is in jail, sober and thinking straight, however the next time he is drunk all such feelings disappear and in his drunken state his mind tells him that is is perfectly ok to assault you.
When drunk everything that the person is doing/saying or how they are acting seems oh so right, it is only when they are sober they realise that is was NOT alright at all.
Once a person turns violent for whatever reason you are in danger and never know the minute he will flip again, even an innocent remark can set him off, I really hope you can stay strong hun and get this man out of your life until he can kick his additctions.
Suzie x
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
I hope you are okay, how are you feeling now?
when stbx AH assaulted me, it came out of the blue, I felt angry and sad and confused too, but also strangely detached, I didn't recognise any fear, although I now realise that it was there, I felt trapped, and ashamed that I was now in a relationship that had featured violence, part of me felt a little powerful too, he was so contrite, I was very definitely "in the right" and he was very definitely "in the wrong", this was so bad, that this must be the turning point, he must see how bad things had got, so we talked, he promised many things, I laid down the law with my words. But I didn't call the police, I didn't put physical space between him and me to give me time to think and to see his words put into action, and I didn't tell anyone. His promises to stop drinking, even to pause, never came through and it happened again.
and you know what? I did exactly the same thing again, only this time I was more scared, but still not allowing myself to see it was there, and I changed the way I was around him, he never physically assaulted me again (although he did sexually, which is physical, but you know what I mean), but he threatened it often, threatened to have me killed, and verbally abused me on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.
and because I hadn't taken actual action when he hit me, when he put his hands round my throat, I ended up feeling more trapped, that because I didn't take action then I had no right to put some space between us now that things were "better". Which I can now see is crazy. By the end all he had to do if I tried to assert myself and he was in the wrong kind of mood, was glower with rage, and like a scared mouse, adrenaline pumping I backed straight down. Other times I ripped into him, exploding.
I felt like I had no personal lines left to cross, eventually he put our son in danger, inviting a strange man into our house in the wee small hours who got into bed with our son (5yo), whilst he was passed out in the lounge, and I was upstairs with the baby.
I acted then to put physical space between him and us, I gave him 6 months to stop drinking and demonstrate that he could continually do that before we could start to work on our own issues and our relationship. I went to therapy. Unfortunately he changed nothing, but when that became apparent, I was a safe distance from him, and had grown to know more my own mind and not only what was acceptable in any human interation, but what I should not take from someone professing to love me.
I very much wish that I had reached out the way you are doing now, and contacted the police, and stepped back to give myself enough time and physical space to see words put into ongoing action.
be gentle with yourself, keep safe.
when stbx AH assaulted me, it came out of the blue, I felt angry and sad and confused too, but also strangely detached, I didn't recognise any fear, although I now realise that it was there, I felt trapped, and ashamed that I was now in a relationship that had featured violence, part of me felt a little powerful too, he was so contrite, I was very definitely "in the right" and he was very definitely "in the wrong", this was so bad, that this must be the turning point, he must see how bad things had got, so we talked, he promised many things, I laid down the law with my words. But I didn't call the police, I didn't put physical space between him and me to give me time to think and to see his words put into action, and I didn't tell anyone. His promises to stop drinking, even to pause, never came through and it happened again.
and you know what? I did exactly the same thing again, only this time I was more scared, but still not allowing myself to see it was there, and I changed the way I was around him, he never physically assaulted me again (although he did sexually, which is physical, but you know what I mean), but he threatened it often, threatened to have me killed, and verbally abused me on a weekly, sometimes daily basis.
and because I hadn't taken actual action when he hit me, when he put his hands round my throat, I ended up feeling more trapped, that because I didn't take action then I had no right to put some space between us now that things were "better". Which I can now see is crazy. By the end all he had to do if I tried to assert myself and he was in the wrong kind of mood, was glower with rage, and like a scared mouse, adrenaline pumping I backed straight down. Other times I ripped into him, exploding.
I felt like I had no personal lines left to cross, eventually he put our son in danger, inviting a strange man into our house in the wee small hours who got into bed with our son (5yo), whilst he was passed out in the lounge, and I was upstairs with the baby.
I acted then to put physical space between him and us, I gave him 6 months to stop drinking and demonstrate that he could continually do that before we could start to work on our own issues and our relationship. I went to therapy. Unfortunately he changed nothing, but when that became apparent, I was a safe distance from him, and had grown to know more my own mind and not only what was acceptable in any human interation, but what I should not take from someone professing to love me.
I very much wish that I had reached out the way you are doing now, and contacted the police, and stepped back to give myself enough time and physical space to see words put into ongoing action.
be gentle with yourself, keep safe.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
Please keep yourself and your children safe. This is the most important thing. Our little ones have no choice in where they live and what they live with. No child should have to live in a violent home, whether it's emotional abuse, verbal abuse and most definitely physical abuse.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
Thanks everyone. I am sitting here now- I know he is probably in front of the judge now- I did not go and I think that was a good choice for me His AA sponsor is there. I am distraught, confused. I lack perspective I need and I know that. AH called many times and I recognized the 1-866 # as being a jail call and did not answer. Then he called me three way from another inmates call, and I answered not knowing it was him. So I did talk to him, he's of course begging me to stay. There are other things involved here too- turns out a who#e he had an affair with 15 mths ago (Ididnt know who she was and at the time did not try to find out) came to our home with her new boyfriend AH invited them and pretended she was a stranger to him and just the gf of a friend. Once I found out I lost it! This was the nite before the assault. I asked him to leave then and he refused. He called yest and said this very same woman tried to VISIT him durin visitation at the jail- he asked her to leave and she did. I am so angry hurt and disgusted. I think at this point alanon alone may not do it.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
Ellimae,
When I found myself in a similar situation, the first thing i did was to become incredibly selfish. I made it All About Me Day. Every day. For the first week
I made it a point to concentrate only on those things that enhanced my life or my day. I went to movies in the middle of the day. I made dinner dates with friends - the good kind who just listened, didn't judge, were happy to talk about something else besides the drama, etc. I got a manicure, took bubble baths, watched whatever I wanted to on TV. If I started to slip into the stinking thinking , I called a recovery friend who got me focused on something else. I really didn't want to think about my A and the other women... so every time that picture came into my head I said the serenity prayer and got a mental picture of pushing him and that thought OUT the door.
It was the beginning of my process of disentangling myself from him and his stuff. It took me awhile to figure out that I wasn't the A, I wasn't the one with the upcoming court appearance, the impending job loss etc., the need to look for a new place to live etc. His choices = his consequences. It just wasn't about me! Believe me, it was new thinking for me, and my A really tried to reel me back in so he wasn't all alone in his misery.
My Al Anon friends really helped me, and so did calling the DV hotline and going to the DV counseling. My non recovery friends just didn't get it and they weren't much help to me as they really just wanted a front row seat to the drama.
Be extra gentle with yourself. Can you make it an All About Me Day? I really recommend it.
When I found myself in a similar situation, the first thing i did was to become incredibly selfish. I made it All About Me Day. Every day. For the first week
I made it a point to concentrate only on those things that enhanced my life or my day. I went to movies in the middle of the day. I made dinner dates with friends - the good kind who just listened, didn't judge, were happy to talk about something else besides the drama, etc. I got a manicure, took bubble baths, watched whatever I wanted to on TV. If I started to slip into the stinking thinking , I called a recovery friend who got me focused on something else. I really didn't want to think about my A and the other women... so every time that picture came into my head I said the serenity prayer and got a mental picture of pushing him and that thought OUT the door.It was the beginning of my process of disentangling myself from him and his stuff. It took me awhile to figure out that I wasn't the A, I wasn't the one with the upcoming court appearance, the impending job loss etc., the need to look for a new place to live etc. His choices = his consequences. It just wasn't about me! Believe me, it was new thinking for me, and my A really tried to reel me back in so he wasn't all alone in his misery.
My Al Anon friends really helped me, and so did calling the DV hotline and going to the DV counseling. My non recovery friends just didn't get it and they weren't much help to me as they really just wanted a front row seat to the drama.
Be extra gentle with yourself. Can you make it an All About Me Day? I really recommend it.
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Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: bowling green ky
Posts: 201
I actually have done a couple good things for me-- and it has helped. I thought about counselling- but ( OMG I know how this sounds ppl--) I dont feel like a victim of DV. Is that dumb or what! I do tend to minimize- and I am not minimizing what he did to me at this point- I am physically OK- my throat is sore where he squeezed my neck hard, but no other marks- I am nuts- I know maybe i should feel like a DV victim, so why dont I?
I cant say for certain that I wont let him come back- I do know I cant go backwards. I feel stuck, like I cant make a deision. Of course AH says he'll do ANYTHING I want him to so he can prove he's serious this time- after all he only "relapsed for 3 days and was working the program before that" well, that's true- but what will change his path THIS time from doing his chronic relapse bs??
I cant say for certain that I wont let him come back- I do know I cant go backwards. I feel stuck, like I cant make a deision. Of course AH says he'll do ANYTHING I want him to so he can prove he's serious this time- after all he only "relapsed for 3 days and was working the program before that" well, that's true- but what will change his path THIS time from doing his chronic relapse bs??
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Well (((((Ellima))))) as I have said before, only you will know when enough is enough. I continue to pray that it is before he 'kills' you.
You are DEFINITELY A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Whether you admit it or not. What he did is definitely DV. Now, you can (and probably will) stay in denial. That is common.
But, I beg you to please re-think your situation, not let him come back again, and call the DV shelter near you to get some help. Be it housing, protection, counseling, etc
Please.
Love and hugs,
ps. go back and read your post from when you joined and read forward. You will see the progression, I hope, of just how bad your situation is. Only you can change your circumstances.
You are DEFINITELY A VICTIM OF DOMESTIC VIOLENCE. Whether you admit it or not. What he did is definitely DV. Now, you can (and probably will) stay in denial. That is common.
But, I beg you to please re-think your situation, not let him come back again, and call the DV shelter near you to get some help. Be it housing, protection, counseling, etc
Please.
Love and hugs,
ps. go back and read your post from when you joined and read forward. You will see the progression, I hope, of just how bad your situation is. Only you can change your circumstances.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Ellima, I am so sorry you are going through this. My thoughts and prayers are with you. Although I have not experienced abuse, I have experienced the next day remorse and begging for forgiveness after a binge. It's like an immediate response for them. They realized they've done something wrong and they must launch into damage control to avoid serious consequences. In my case it was being kicked out. In your case it's jail.
I am learning more and more to stop listening to the words coming out of his mouth because they mean nothing (and there are years of him talking and doing nothing - seems like a no-brainer but sometimes we are in our own denial and hope that each time the promises will be kept). Action is key. You have heard his words many times, and especially now, but what are his actions? They are destructive to you, from the woman situation to the abuse. Please know that you are worth more than this and that you deserve better than this. Your safety is first right now and that of your family. Focus on that first and allow yourself to calm and heal and quiet and then take the next baby step.
My fear is that he's giving you the illusion of power over him right now by telling you he'll do ANYTHING. Of course he will. His comfort (you) is being threatened because he couldn't control himself. I know that you've been on the fence about your relationship but if you've ever needed or looked for an opportunity to leave, here is one. If he'll do anything then you can say that you need distance and separation, and to come see you a year from now when he is sober, in recovery, healthier. I wonder how keen he would be on that - I'm sure he would be keener to do ANYTHING only on the condition that you let him stay or bail him out or minimize the situation.
I think it's natural for us to try to minimize horrible things that loved ones do to us because our comfort also feels threatened and facing it may mean we must take action that leads us into changes and the unknown, and that's scary. But you must ask yourself what is scarier at this point - to stay with him and risk more abuse, or to take action to protect yourself.
I am learning more and more to stop listening to the words coming out of his mouth because they mean nothing (and there are years of him talking and doing nothing - seems like a no-brainer but sometimes we are in our own denial and hope that each time the promises will be kept). Action is key. You have heard his words many times, and especially now, but what are his actions? They are destructive to you, from the woman situation to the abuse. Please know that you are worth more than this and that you deserve better than this. Your safety is first right now and that of your family. Focus on that first and allow yourself to calm and heal and quiet and then take the next baby step.
My fear is that he's giving you the illusion of power over him right now by telling you he'll do ANYTHING. Of course he will. His comfort (you) is being threatened because he couldn't control himself. I know that you've been on the fence about your relationship but if you've ever needed or looked for an opportunity to leave, here is one. If he'll do anything then you can say that you need distance and separation, and to come see you a year from now when he is sober, in recovery, healthier. I wonder how keen he would be on that - I'm sure he would be keener to do ANYTHING only on the condition that you let him stay or bail him out or minimize the situation.
I think it's natural for us to try to minimize horrible things that loved ones do to us because our comfort also feels threatened and facing it may mean we must take action that leads us into changes and the unknown, and that's scary. But you must ask yourself what is scarier at this point - to stay with him and risk more abuse, or to take action to protect yourself.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: England
Posts: 137
Goddam it elli how could this guy do this to you, squeeze your neck hard. What if this happens again next time he has a relapse, what if he squeeze's harder next time and you end up dead?
How could he invite his ex-lover to your home and pretend that she was someone else.
This guy has no real feeling for anyone but himself, he is out for No.1. " Mr. nice guy" when he is sober? No! if he was he would realise that he cannot control himself when he is drunk and realise how much he is hurting you physically and mentally and he would let you go, and get out of your life.
He is a dangerous man and you are his victim.
I am sry hun I know you love him and he knows that as well and will play on that until the end.
Please please love yourself more than you love him. I have a big lump in my throat reading your post and tears in my eyes. You are worth better than this and I am praying that you find the strength to get out there and get it.
*Big hugs
Suzie xxx
How could he invite his ex-lover to your home and pretend that she was someone else.
This guy has no real feeling for anyone but himself, he is out for No.1. " Mr. nice guy" when he is sober? No! if he was he would realise that he cannot control himself when he is drunk and realise how much he is hurting you physically and mentally and he would let you go, and get out of your life.
He is a dangerous man and you are his victim.
I am sry hun I know you love him and he knows that as well and will play on that until the end.
Please please love yourself more than you love him. I have a big lump in my throat reading your post and tears in my eyes. You are worth better than this and I am praying that you find the strength to get out there and get it.
*Big hugs
Suzie xxx
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