bluewheel

Im not really a true new comer to recovery. Tried it before. Years on pills. Anything that I could get my hands on. Worked hard at detox, rehab and recovery. Stayed clean three and a half years, got a new life and didn't tell many people about the old one (think that that was the problem- I haven't worked thru the shame part???? Seems maybe from reading these posts there were a lot that I hadnt worked through).

I Started back using steady three months ago cause I was stronger than the pills. Found myself doing things that I hadn't done in years -and swore that I would never do again.

So here I sit. Night number 3 with no sleep; on day number 4. I remember these w/d symptoms and most weren't too bad this time after only three months of heavy use but I haven't slept at all. After last night I will not be able to function until I do. My sleep pattern hadn't totally returned from the first go around and I suffered some insomnia anyway. Three nights is all I can do. (you would think your body would just collapse when it needs sleep but I guess I can go and go and go).

I am lucky enough (I think) that I can stay at home to continue this without having to go into work so not being able to function may be all right until next week. I cannot remember how long I went last time before I slept even a little. A week or longer but that was years worth of use. This was only couple months. How long will it take now? I still haven't told anyone that I am doing this. But I sure am lonely. They all think I'm home with the flu. My 'program' consisted of being strong and just not doing the pills anymore. After what I put my family thru the first time... I don't want to tell them again or my "new life" I went out and got after I screwed up the old one.

Thanks for all your posts. They took me back to the place where my mind needs to be after crying at my computer for a very long time. Maybe if I had found this site four months ago... I would be posting you a much happier story.

BoutDamnTime

You'll be telling that happy story here in a few days. Keep rockin'. You've got four days under your belt. Keep it up!

LexieCat

Congrats on coming back to recovery--some people don't get that chance.

Why not start back with some N/A meetings? Might help to share what you've been through, face-to-face, with people who get it.

artsoul

Welcome, bluewheel! This place has been very helpful to me (that's probably an understatement!). I know what you mean about thinking we're stronger than the drug or drink. This is my third attempt at sobriety and each time I relapse it was because I thought I would be able to drink again moderately and without consequences. I think I've finally proved to myself that it's just not going to happen.

Keep reading and posting - I come here every day for support and it's still working for me after 100+ days. Hang in there and remember to take it one day at a time!

stanleyhouse

welcome
I hope someone can offer some suggestions on the sleeping issue. In the end, when I was using i wasn't sleeping at all. It was one of the reasons I decided to stop. I know we aren't supposed to give advice but I would suggest seeing a doctor if your sleep doesn't normalize soon. A healthy, non adict would rush to the doctor, our health is just as important.
I know there are non-addictive meds out there that help with sleep.
SH

bluewheel

Thank you to all that have replied. I have been sticking here on my computer reading and reading posts and looking through my old rehab things (letters, journals etc).

With my addiction just going into the dr.s office was/is part of the addiction. So is just swallowing any pill. I can also spot a pill bottle in any room a mile away as soon as I walk into that room so just filling any script at a pharmacy is NOT an option that I am willing to take right now. Sleeping meds are not something I want to do right now.

I did this before with years of use. I just figured that with only a few months of use, I was hoping it wouldn't be as bad as it originally was... but I haven't heard of anyone's similar experience.

I did think about doing the meetings like I did before. I was just never very comfortable in them. I did try a number of them.... I am your basic loner... which I am fully aware... attribute of an addict. But I'll be the first one to admit that being lonely... something I usually am... is a huge trigger.

Rowan

Hi bluewheel,

I can identify with the insomnia that comes with withdrawal - for me it was coming hard off benzos several years back - it was days before I could sleep, and I thought I was going to lose my mind. Eventually, as you know, the drugs run their course, and the body normalizes, and we can sleep again, thank God.

I can also identify with being a loner. It was a huge step for me, to walk into AA asking for help (my primary doc is alcohol). But, I wanted my life to change - so I was willing to be uncomfortable for a time. It wasn't easy, but it was the right decision, for me.

I'm glad you decided to post.