Buckley

I hate myself today. I actually have hated myself for the last month or so, as drinking took over again.

My grandma died in late July. We had hospice at my parents house for her, and it was a horrible and extremely hard experience to watch her pass. It was also a huge trigger for me. I told myself I could have just one or two, and it never just stopped at that. I have drank everyday since, minus one or two days here and there.

I planned to just stay in last night, but that didn't happen. I wanted to just have a couple glasses (again, that doesn't happen). After 6 glasses of wine and McDonald's at 10pm, I passed out on the couch and barely remember getting home. I woke up this morning sweating and shaking, and called in sick to work. Now I'm sitting here crying my eyes out wondering how I got here again.

I was almost 3 weeks sober before, and I truly never felt better. Now I'm bloated, sick, and feel like such a loser. I am ruining my life.

I didn't go to AA last time, using only this forum as support. Everyone here helped me IMMENSELY, so I hope you all welcome me back. I am going to a meeting tonight no matter what. I have to.

Thanks for reading.

LaFemme

Hi Buckley, sorry about your Grandmother.

Going through that with only a few weeks sober would have been hard on anyone, so don't beat yourself up. Trying something new and different is a good idea. We are all here cheering you on:-)

Fandy

I've hated myself for far too long also....but I was using that as an excuse to drink.

after a while even I didn't believe me.

Drinking and driving to McDonald's or anywhere endangers you and OTHERS...think how you would feel if you killed someone? your problems magnify X20.

I'm going to give you the glass 1/2 full scenario...

You still HAVE a job, even though you called out today...you can salvage and repair.
I hope you have many happy memories of your grandma...remember them instead of her illness (my own mother is very ill right now for the last 4 years).
You have the ability to stop drinking , you want to because you came here...keep posting and try to think of what you want to be happy...it doesn't include alcohol. Look Forward. keep your action plan for a better life front in center.

Buckley

Thank you both. Just to note, I didn't drive last night. I was driven home by a friend, and made him take me to McDonald's.
Ugh, I can still taste it. Disgusting.

Fandy

yeah, for some strange reason, fast food no longer tastes so good to me when I'm sober...eating that heavy stuff late at night wreaks havoc with my digestion...and all that sodium bloats anyone.

keithj

Ah, that's a rough one, my friend. Such a good description, that inablity to stick to a plan, that baffling failure to manage my decisions.

AA's BB talks about this cycle of quitting, getting restless (or some other 'trigger'), drinking, going on a binge, stopping full of remorse and regret, swearing off again, getting restless, drinking... Over and over and over.

The experience of sober members of AA is that this situation is hopeless unless the person can experience an entire psychic change. The 12 Steps are one time-honored, well-established way of having that vital psychic change.

I'll take a chance here. Did they really help you immensely? I mean, you went back to drinking after 3 weeks of holding on tight.

All the people may offer sympathy, support, a kind ear, some shared experience with being wrecked in the same vessel as me, but can they really help me find a way out? That support can make me feel better, but it won't necessarily keep me from picking up that drink again.

By the same token, Buckley, you can get some great face to face support in an AA meeting. Those people will relate to me, listen to me, be my friend and make me feel great.

But they don't have the power to keep me sober.

I can only urge you, if you go to that meeting tonight, get a Big Book and find someone that knows how to show you the directions for having your own spiritual experience. Otherwise, it's just another form of back-patting support. And we've seen where that gets you.

Buckley

Thank you, keithj. Very much. I needed to hear that. I need to get over my apprehension and anxiety and just GO to a meeting.
Again, thank you.

TexasNative

Best of luck to you, whatever path you choose.

LexieCat

WB, Buckley,

Sorry you're feeling so lousy, but believe me, you never HAVE to feel this way again. That thought gave me great comfort when I was going through my withdrawal from alcohol.

I second what Keith said. It's always a little nerve-wracking to go into your first AA meeting, but once you've gone, you will wonder why you waited so long. (Answer: it takes what it takes, for all of us.)

Carol posted a link to an article that might make you a bit more comfortable. It's about what to expect at your first AA meeting.

Post back and let us know how it goes.