sunnygirl68

Maybe this isn't the correct forum but I have a question for y'all.

I detached from my XAH about 2 1/2 years ago after 15 years of marriage.
We have had minimal on and off contact since then due to his incarcerations. The last time he was released I wouldnt let him come back home because I just couldnt risk another emotional devistation. I still love him and I know I always will, he was my soul mate and best friend but I had to let him go to save myself from going crazy. I only wish him the best in his life and hope he can find recovery one day so that he can be a good dad again.

This is my issue: I have been seeing a guy for almost 2 years and although I like the guy a lot and we have a good time together, intimacy is great, good conversation, and all of that, I can't seem to go to a deeper level with him as far as being "in love". He tells me he loves me and I say it back, but I feel a little guilty because although I do care about him, the feelings I have for him are really not my definition of what LOVE feels like. We do not live together and only see each other on the weekends due to our schedules and kids.

I was deeply in love with my XAH probably too much in love with him and that is the only time I've ever been "in love" in my life. I know I shouldnt use that as a yardstick to compare the feelings because either A: I wonder if no love will ever feel the same because I was addicted to him and it was unhealthy or B: If I've just closed myself off from feeling any love because I'm afraid to get hurt again.

Has anyone had issues like this? I attend meetings, take great care of myself, do things I want to do instead of the way I used to live doing for others only. I'm sad to think that I'll never experience love as deeply as I did at one time either by choice or circumstance.

Any ideas?
Thanks

cece1960

I think what you describe may in fact be a healthier form of attraction than what many of us termed as love years ago.

I was in "love" with my first husband - the father of my kids - to the degree that I thought my world had ended when we parted (other woman, not by my choice). I have yet to feel that sort of "obsession" again.

But on the other hand, I have a very deep and grounded relationship with my BF of 8 years, and one that is healthy in respect to everyone's needs being met. We recently hit a rough spot, and although it upset me it didn't devastate me. Does that mean I don't love him enough? I don't think so. I think it instead may mean that I'm OK emotionally, and having another in my life is a wonderful addition, not the all that ends all.

Of course, I'm pretty over-the-hill, so maybe my expectations reflect that

sunnygirl68

Thanks so much for responding, You make a valid point. I guess when I met my X I knew without a shadow of a doubt that I wanted and could spend the rest of my life growing old with him, of course that was years before the addiction entered the picture. Now, it seems that if I dont think I can fathom that, I wonder if I'm wasting either of our time. He likes to "go with the flow" and puts no pressure on me for more than what we have right now, only I wonder if that will be enough for the long run. Just feeling really depressed today about the state of my heart. Sometimes if it feels "lacking" maybe my needs aren't really being met?

cece1960

Perhaps, but is it also possible that "love" by definition had become chaos and uncertainy in your previous relationship?

After the ex and I split up, I had become so accustomed to the drama, that anything else felt, well boring. It was only after a good amount of time that I became comfortable outside of the drama, and true love was no longer stated in terms like "I'm sorry, I'll never leave you", "I would die for you", "I'll never do this to you again". I was quite addicted to the drama of love rather than the feeling of love. If I didn't hook up with a person that offered the rollercoaster ride, I was left feeling bored.

And boy did I choose a few winners!

sunnygirl68

I havent had the unfortunate circumstance to date anyone who brought drama to the table since the X. I hate the drama and frankly would not entertain dating anyone who wasn't as stable and as rational as myself. The only thing that is "odd" is that his ex is bi-polar and an addict as well. We both seem to understand the other person's struggles with the X and the need for peace.
I wouldnt say our relationship is boring at all, quite comfortable in fact, but I question the part of my heart that whispers "Is this enough?" compared to the intense passion and deep delight I had for the X, in good times and in bad.
On the one hand I do think like you said that maybe the relationship was just so dysfunctional and obsessive that it wasn't healthy, and that I shouldnt be trying to "duplicate" those feelings and then the flip side is, Maybe I'll never love another like I loved him and I have to accept the "light" love I feel for others instead.
Again, thanks for your insight and encouraging words, i really need them today.

litehorse

I was in a relationship that was totally dysfunctional and i think the only way to explain it (now that i realize what addiction is through dealing with my AS) is as an addiction to that person. i've been working my way out of that situation for more than a year now and every day i realize i should have gotten out much, much sooner. i came across a quote - i don't know for sure where it came from, but i found it to be quite profound - "Relationships that require that you sacrifice all of you for the sake of the happiness you feel in them are not healthy intimate relationships." Now that i've "recovered" from that addiction it is hard to imagine that i allowed myself to get that pulled into a lose/lose situation like that. i have found that even the times that i feel lonely because i am not in a relationship are so much better than sacrificing my peace for it. i feel that being okay by myself would contribute greatly to being a better partner if that situation presented itself. i hope i haven't gotten too far off the subject -

Nerdgirl

Could this guy be "the safe" boyfriend?

I had one of those after a particularly tumultuous relationship, because I knew that I couldn't afford to get involved in another emotional roller coaster. We got along well, good sex, all around nice guy, but I didn't love him and broke it off when he started to really annoy me about a year into it....

dollydo

I became so use to dysfunctional that it became a way of life for me. There is a lot of drama when you live with an A, and, it became the norm for me...for awhile.

I felt like I was acting in a Soap Opera, there would be no peace until I changed me, and, that is what I did. I looked at me from the inside out, and, I realized that I was as sick as my exabf.

Meetings, therapy and this board helped me get well.

Love? No one can make you feel loved except you, it starts and ends with you. Love is just a little four letter word and we allow it to control our life, our self worth. i ask myself Why?

Still trying to figure that one out!

sunnygirl68

Thanks for all of your words of wisdom;
Litehorse: I know I was addicted to him too long before the addiction came into play, he was my "everything". I am much happier now not having to sacrafice each and everything for him. I did that a lot over the years and through my meetings have learned to be somewhat selfish, in a good way!
NerdGirl: OMG you may have just hit the nail on the head! I didnt think about it, but yes he is very safe and I doubt I'll ever have more than just a "like" feeling for him...hmmm this is certainly something to ponder on.

Dollydo: Yes I can relate to the absoloute chaos dealing with the x and I never, ever want to go back to anything remotely resembling the crazy person I was. I do love myself and I do feel love from this guy, I only wonder why I cannot feel something more for him than I actually do. But as Nerdgirl said, it may just be a "safe" relationship after dealing with the hell I was in prior to him.

Y'all are the best, dont know what I'd do without your insight and wisdom!