Happy endings do happen - Cagefree is free at last
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Happy endings do happen - Cagefree is free at last
Don’t really know where to start. Haven't visited this forum in so long - it's like I'm back at an old friend's house. I lived here during some rough times. My path has led me from Alanon to CODA and what a journey it has been - but I still stop by here from time to time to read, reflect and grow 
It's been awhile...
It’s been how many years? Over 3 years since I spoke with XABF and my life has drastically changed since then.
Constant wonderful, precious work on myself and I’ve been to the summit of happiness and making myself the hero of my own story, instead someone else. My addiction is to people the control I think I have over them, their lives, what they should do, eat, think, you name it.
In the last 3 years I have changed how I relate to others. I had to work on all my relationships – friends, family, coworkers...
The payoff is unbelievable.
I have since had 2 promotions, rearranged my circle of friends, see myself in a different and positive light, see the world in a whole new and amazing perspective. I no longer have to “put up with” anything that does not make me comfortable. I’ve gained tools and the knowledge to resolve my inner conflicts and voice my concerns – I never have to “not ask for much” because I feel free to voice what I feel in a constructive, healthy way.
I don’t feel neglected anymore, because I don’t neglect myself.
Well – what are new tools and practice for? The wonderful tests that life puts before us.
XABF’s mom accidentally called me tonight. We wound up chatting for hours – about everything in our lives, how she’s back in AA and loving it, how I found strength and growth in CODA.
Higher power at work.
She did mentioned XABF was dating someone new who shared my name. At first I wanted to hang up, a reaction once familiar to me. To my surprise, our conversation turned away from him and his new life to the lives his mom and I now enjoy. The treasures and rewards of recovery and interesting ways our higher power makes themselves known.
So – he has a girlfriend. It hurt – but not for long.
I am currently single – but DAMN what a good life I have!!!!! Motorcycle license, hiking MT Washington tomorrow, flying lessons soon, ice climbing this winter – all the things I’ve wanted to do but was too wrapped up in other people and trying to control outcomes I was powerless over to enjoy.
She thought my changes were awesome and I was never able to talk to her like this when I was with the ex – I was too bloody sick with my codie control addiction to have a conversation as rich as this.
Here’s the interesting thing - she also told me that I was the one that got him sober – now here I’m thinking – oh god, Codie relapse coming on...but it turned out to be otherwise.
You see, I can validate NOW what I could not then – I was sick with codependency – like trying to teach a dog physics. It was never personal and after I saved him and ran back after he white knuckled for 6 months – he threw me out. Dumped me.
It was the best thing that could have ever happened. Here’s why...the result:
Hello – see above – DAMN I have a good life – it’s freakin amazing! I feel like lara croft. I can do anything and I finally removed the big block stopping me from really living my life.
I quit being an excuse for him as to why his life sucked and he had no one to blame but himself – apparently losing me was his bottom in the way his dumping me was mine.
Apparently, when he speaks of me it’s of someone who gave him his life back by holding up my hand and not calling him back, not answering his phone calls. It was me deleting his unread emails. He dumped me but never expected me to keep my boundary.
“I will no longer come second to a beverage” changed to "I will no longer come second"
Even if I did those things with the intent of making him sober thus trying to have control – it would not have worked.
It only worked because I worked on me and he worked on himself and the two sick people who could not get healthy together found recovery from their own personal addictions apart.
I still wanted to cry as I hung up the phone as I do still love him – he is the catalyst that made me hit bottom to have what I have today – which is amazing. There are few people I can tell today who would understand why I am thankful he broke my heart – it forced me to choose – him or me. I chose Me *heart*
His mom promised to not tell him we spoke and we decided to keep the line of communication open between the two of us for now.
Some will probably see this as a sad story – but I see it as a good story – two people who experienced pain but grew from it and became better people because of it so we can be happy and enjoy life. I’m so glad he is healthy – even though a part of me, admittedly is jealous he has a relationship and I don’t.
But – I firmly believe - we are all where we need to be, doing exactly what we should be doing. My time WILL come. Forgiveness is a choice which stops the hurt so the only thing left is love.
Isn’t that what life is about?
p.s. Thank you HP for giving me this serendipitous gift phone call.
It's been awhile...
It’s been how many years? Over 3 years since I spoke with XABF and my life has drastically changed since then.
Constant wonderful, precious work on myself and I’ve been to the summit of happiness and making myself the hero of my own story, instead someone else. My addiction is to people the control I think I have over them, their lives, what they should do, eat, think, you name it.
In the last 3 years I have changed how I relate to others. I had to work on all my relationships – friends, family, coworkers...
The payoff is unbelievable.
I have since had 2 promotions, rearranged my circle of friends, see myself in a different and positive light, see the world in a whole new and amazing perspective. I no longer have to “put up with” anything that does not make me comfortable. I’ve gained tools and the knowledge to resolve my inner conflicts and voice my concerns – I never have to “not ask for much” because I feel free to voice what I feel in a constructive, healthy way.
I don’t feel neglected anymore, because I don’t neglect myself.
Well – what are new tools and practice for? The wonderful tests that life puts before us.
XABF’s mom accidentally called me tonight. We wound up chatting for hours – about everything in our lives, how she’s back in AA and loving it, how I found strength and growth in CODA.
Higher power at work.
She did mentioned XABF was dating someone new who shared my name. At first I wanted to hang up, a reaction once familiar to me. To my surprise, our conversation turned away from him and his new life to the lives his mom and I now enjoy. The treasures and rewards of recovery and interesting ways our higher power makes themselves known.
So – he has a girlfriend. It hurt – but not for long.
I am currently single – but DAMN what a good life I have!!!!! Motorcycle license, hiking MT Washington tomorrow, flying lessons soon, ice climbing this winter – all the things I’ve wanted to do but was too wrapped up in other people and trying to control outcomes I was powerless over to enjoy.
She thought my changes were awesome and I was never able to talk to her like this when I was with the ex – I was too bloody sick with my codie control addiction to have a conversation as rich as this.
Here’s the interesting thing - she also told me that I was the one that got him sober – now here I’m thinking – oh god, Codie relapse coming on...but it turned out to be otherwise.
You see, I can validate NOW what I could not then – I was sick with codependency – like trying to teach a dog physics. It was never personal and after I saved him and ran back after he white knuckled for 6 months – he threw me out. Dumped me.
It was the best thing that could have ever happened. Here’s why...the result:
Hello – see above – DAMN I have a good life – it’s freakin amazing! I feel like lara croft. I can do anything and I finally removed the big block stopping me from really living my life.
I quit being an excuse for him as to why his life sucked and he had no one to blame but himself – apparently losing me was his bottom in the way his dumping me was mine.
Apparently, when he speaks of me it’s of someone who gave him his life back by holding up my hand and not calling him back, not answering his phone calls. It was me deleting his unread emails. He dumped me but never expected me to keep my boundary.
“I will no longer come second to a beverage” changed to "I will no longer come second"
Even if I did those things with the intent of making him sober thus trying to have control – it would not have worked.
It only worked because I worked on me and he worked on himself and the two sick people who could not get healthy together found recovery from their own personal addictions apart.
I still wanted to cry as I hung up the phone as I do still love him – he is the catalyst that made me hit bottom to have what I have today – which is amazing. There are few people I can tell today who would understand why I am thankful he broke my heart – it forced me to choose – him or me. I chose Me *heart*
His mom promised to not tell him we spoke and we decided to keep the line of communication open between the two of us for now.
Some will probably see this as a sad story – but I see it as a good story – two people who experienced pain but grew from it and became better people because of it so we can be happy and enjoy life. I’m so glad he is healthy – even though a part of me, admittedly is jealous he has a relationship and I don’t.
But – I firmly believe - we are all where we need to be, doing exactly what we should be doing. My time WILL come. Forgiveness is a choice which stops the hurt so the only thing left is love.
Isn’t that what life is about?
p.s. Thank you HP for giving me this serendipitous gift phone call.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by cagefree 
It only worked because I worked on me and he worked on himself and the two sick people who could not get healthy together found recovery from their own personal addictions apart.
If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have had the motivation to heal myself. If it wasn't for me, he might still be drinking himself to death.
Great story. Thanks for the update.
L
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Good to hear from you again, CageFree. I believe that sometimes angels come in the form of struggling addicts who lead us to seek help for ourselves, which ultimately leads us to better lives. In that sense, Richard, who is now deceased, was my angel. I am grateful that my higher power brought us together.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
cagefree, THANK YOU for posting this. It lifted up my spirits and I spent a moment recognizing my own advances as well. For me its almost been 2 years.
he is the catalyst that made me hit bottom
No, you could have done the same things over and over after you said goodbye to him. You were the one who chose something different. I believe the credit for that is on you, too.
You sound like Angelina Jolie. I love your post. I hope it becomes a sticky.
Have fun! enjoy your "me time" while you have it!
he is the catalyst that made me hit bottom
No, you could have done the same things over and over after you said goodbye to him. You were the one who chose something different. I believe the credit for that is on you, too.
You sound like Angelina Jolie. I love your post. I hope it becomes a sticky.
Have fun! enjoy your "me time" while you have it!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Posts: 1,294
Awesome post, and thank you so much for the update, to share how recovery can move us codies from the realm of
"what should be"
(a life dependent on the action of another)]
to the realm of
"what could be"
(a life dependent on the action of myself)
Congrats on your wonderful, powerful new life! Enjoy!
CLMI
"what should be"
(a life dependent on the action of another)]
to the realm of
"what could be"
(a life dependent on the action of myself)
Congrats on your wonderful, powerful new life! Enjoy!
CLMI
Member
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Originally Posted by cagefree
There are few people I can tell today who would understand why I am thankful he broke my heart
Isn't it wonderful?
Lovely and rich post.
Thank you, Cagefree
A work in progress
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: South Jersey
Posts: 16,633
What a wonderful story!
I agree that it is the perfect example of our not always knowing what is in store for us, or for anyone else. That the same things that seem like complete tragedies may, in fact, be a tiny piece of a much larger picture that touches a lot more people than the ones we expect. And the end result may be more happiness, in total, than if we got what we thought we wanted to begin with.
I agree that it is the perfect example of our not always knowing what is in store for us, or for anyone else. That the same things that seem like complete tragedies may, in fact, be a tiny piece of a much larger picture that touches a lot more people than the ones we expect. And the end result may be more happiness, in total, than if we got what we thought we wanted to begin with.
I Finally Love My Life!!!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2006
Location: New England
Posts: 648
Some of my posts were difficult to write and others were brief - this one simply wrote itself.
Some of your responses remind me of things I still aspire to improve upon myself (I no longer consider it fixing, because I finally realized there is nothing wrong with me).
My stubborness pushed me towards feeling the need for certain things in my life - usually involving saving people or controlling things I had no control over - trying to manage my fear.
I would get upset with my higher power, afraid of what was in store for my future. Thing is, I came to realize my higher power gave me everything I needed to grow.
Just because I wasn't getting what I wanted did not mean that I wasn't getting what I needed. What i wanted wasn't healthy, wasn't what I needed to grow. i still am working on this as seen with my jealousy last night of my Ex's new relationship - something about which I am happy to report that I admitted it, worked through it today and am back to wishng him well - thankful he is happy...
Today I climbed over 4,000 feet, experienced a temperature change of about 30 degrees, and saw beauty in it's raw form. I reached the top and the clouds were blanketing the view. As my hiking buddy and I reached the Summit sign to take a quick picture, the clouds parted, the sun warmed our cold, wind-blown faces and the amazing view, no longer hidden from my view revealed itself.
As I gazed upon the Presidential Mountain Range, I thought how this experience mirrored my life and recovery. Clouds of codependence covered the amazing beauty in my life that lay underneath - i kept thinking what a gift my life is, how thankful i am - why did i wait so long to experience it? Because I needed to and only when I was ready, did I embraced it
Thanks so much for letting me share.
Some of your responses remind me of things I still aspire to improve upon myself (I no longer consider it fixing, because I finally realized there is nothing wrong with me).
My stubborness pushed me towards feeling the need for certain things in my life - usually involving saving people or controlling things I had no control over - trying to manage my fear.
I would get upset with my higher power, afraid of what was in store for my future. Thing is, I came to realize my higher power gave me everything I needed to grow.
Just because I wasn't getting what I wanted did not mean that I wasn't getting what I needed. What i wanted wasn't healthy, wasn't what I needed to grow. i still am working on this as seen with my jealousy last night of my Ex's new relationship - something about which I am happy to report that I admitted it, worked through it today and am back to wishng him well - thankful he is happy...
Today I climbed over 4,000 feet, experienced a temperature change of about 30 degrees, and saw beauty in it's raw form. I reached the top and the clouds were blanketing the view. As my hiking buddy and I reached the Summit sign to take a quick picture, the clouds parted, the sun warmed our cold, wind-blown faces and the amazing view, no longer hidden from my view revealed itself.
As I gazed upon the Presidential Mountain Range, I thought how this experience mirrored my life and recovery. Clouds of codependence covered the amazing beauty in my life that lay underneath - i kept thinking what a gift my life is, how thankful i am - why did i wait so long to experience it? Because I needed to and only when I was ready, did I embraced it
Thanks so much for letting me share.
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