hard time accepting this still
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Join Date: Dec 2009
Posts: 457
hard time accepting this still
going to be honest and say I am having an extreme time accepting this is happening to me and my life. I cant comprehend this at all. I continue to get angry,depressed and hateful. I attend meetings which help,but then the next day or so Im back to square one. I do things around the house,but that is getting tiring as well. IM TIRED. what I cant accept that the illness of addiction and how someone wouldnt want treatment to get better. why? I did for my illness, it was brutal,but I wanted to live and I didnt want to leave my husband or family. I fought hard to survive, it would have been easier just to walk away and not get treatment,just say screw it,let them figure out life on their own, which is what he is basically doing to me. so why do they walk away leave everything and hurt us when treatment is there for them to get better? I understand the drugs overtake you,but when your loved ones are suffering wouldnt you feel remorse and sadness and shame and all the things I feel, what happened to the real person who was loving, loyal,caring,supportive and had morals? Im going again to a new therapist tonight, I need to talk to someone who will give me reasoning of my thoughts, I like the meetings but sometimes with no replies I still feel lost. are there support groups where you can discuss openly with a professional? get feedback from others? I know there isnt an easy fix it solution, but I just cant seem to get over this. it is literally destroying me as much as I try to not let it it is! I feel Im getting to end of my rope and going to snap, honestly thats how I feel. friends and family have continued living (in the beginning everyone called to help me) and now I feel alone, lost and frustrated. Im scared too. of death, moving on, finances, lonliness you name it. Im considering taking meds like lexapro to control the panic and worry.sorry for the rant just had to get it out..hugs to all
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
are there support groups where you can discuss openly with a professional? get feedback from others?
it is what it is
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Griffin GA
Posts: 454
tam - i can so relate to your feelings - the thoughts of sanity that we have like if help is available and there is so much suffering - why would they not want it? the only way i can come to any peace with it is that it is insanity - and therefore will not conform to any logical patterns of thought - that was part of my struggle as i continued to try to "help" my son - i thought surely the logical solutions "we" came up with along the way would work but with the drug in control none of those things even had a chance - it is such a hard thing to accept and i am so sorry you are having to try to find a way to do that and start moving on in your life, but i pray you will find a way to focus on the things that you can control and those are the things involving you and your responses -
i know you know all of this but i just wanted to add my understanding to your situation if it helps at all - take a breath - and good luck in your search for the group that will help you the most - you will be in my prayers
i know you know all of this but i just wanted to add my understanding to your situation if it helps at all - take a breath - and good luck in your search for the group that will help you the most - you will be in my prayers
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Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: minneapolis, mn
Posts: 2,762
Several years ago I became aware of a "thing" inside of me: an unhealthiness, a dysfunction. It had to do with how I would get this overwhelming compulsion to be with the man I loved. If he needed me, I would drop everything to prioritize that. If I was hurting, he was the only person who could comfort me. If he was using, he'd be absent from my life and I couldn't get to him, and that was the worst - I would sometimes be SO lonely and feel so helpless and agonize over the feeling that I just needed to somehow find him.
When realized that my "need" for this man was sick, I didn't care all that much. The desire to be healthy was far less than the desire to just go to him, be with him. He has struggled with his addiction and had stints of clean many times. But I remember times when I knew he wasn't and I remember very clearly thinking that I'd take it, as much as I was against drug use and as much as I wanted to only support him in his efforts to be sober, just to be with him. In and out of contact for years, one time he was crashing at the house of a using friend and when he made contact with me, I went there after a wedding - I was still married. I wanted to stay there all night, in this dirty, junky house on a dirty, crappy street in the heart of the city.
I can't really put it into words. But the memories of those feelings helps me to understand addiction. I put the desire to be with this man, who had so little to offer, whom I was at risk for infidelity with, who took a place ahead of my own children if the need was great enough, and KNEW that it was unhealthy, KNEW that it could cause me personal harm (emotionally), KNEW that I was doing something wrong, yet still I went. I disrespected my family, my marriage, and myself because of my compulsion.
Was their treatment for me and my disease? Yes, and I knew it. But I kept trying to manage things on my own, for my need for my drug of choice was so strong. With chemical drugs I think it snowballs and you aren't able to see that very clearly while it's happening. You keep chasing the high that will now never come, but don't really seem to get that. And then you're in so deep, you now have a physical need that is the most powerful thing you have ever faced. Also you're messing with your brain, and so your thinking is distorted.
I'm sorry, Tam, that you are not doing well. I have found that although I have
have a somewhat good knowledge of this beast, I will never really understand unless I walk in those shoes. If you can come to a point where you stop torturing yourself with these questions, you will gain acceptance, and some peace.
My guess is that he may well tell himself on a regular basis that he's close to being done but the desire overtakes him and he just can't quite do it.
As we say, when the pain of the life you're living becomes too great, that's when you make the changes necessary. That's true for ALL of us.
When realized that my "need" for this man was sick, I didn't care all that much. The desire to be healthy was far less than the desire to just go to him, be with him. He has struggled with his addiction and had stints of clean many times. But I remember times when I knew he wasn't and I remember very clearly thinking that I'd take it, as much as I was against drug use and as much as I wanted to only support him in his efforts to be sober, just to be with him. In and out of contact for years, one time he was crashing at the house of a using friend and when he made contact with me, I went there after a wedding - I was still married. I wanted to stay there all night, in this dirty, junky house on a dirty, crappy street in the heart of the city.
I can't really put it into words. But the memories of those feelings helps me to understand addiction. I put the desire to be with this man, who had so little to offer, whom I was at risk for infidelity with, who took a place ahead of my own children if the need was great enough, and KNEW that it was unhealthy, KNEW that it could cause me personal harm (emotionally), KNEW that I was doing something wrong, yet still I went. I disrespected my family, my marriage, and myself because of my compulsion.
Was their treatment for me and my disease? Yes, and I knew it. But I kept trying to manage things on my own, for my need for my drug of choice was so strong. With chemical drugs I think it snowballs and you aren't able to see that very clearly while it's happening. You keep chasing the high that will now never come, but don't really seem to get that. And then you're in so deep, you now have a physical need that is the most powerful thing you have ever faced. Also you're messing with your brain, and so your thinking is distorted.
I'm sorry, Tam, that you are not doing well. I have found that although I have
have a somewhat good knowledge of this beast, I will never really understand unless I walk in those shoes. If you can come to a point where you stop torturing yourself with these questions, you will gain acceptance, and some peace.
My guess is that he may well tell himself on a regular basis that he's close to being done but the desire overtakes him and he just can't quite do it.
As we say, when the pain of the life you're living becomes too great, that's when you make the changes necessary. That's true for ALL of us.
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Eastern Time Zone
Posts: 1,011
Hi Tam: Hope you are feeling better now. What you are going through is normal. It is part of the grieving process. Please keep coming back here and going to meetings. It will get better, it really will.
Regarding your confusion about why your loved one is not willing to go for treatment. Just one little piece of that answer lies in the fact that drugs/alcohol affect the brain - especially the part of the brain where morals, maturity, empathy, learning from mistakes, etc., are located. The Alanon literature says alcoholism (addiction) is a disease, but for me it makes more sense to call it a neurologic condition. Much like a stroke. And also making things worse for your loved one is the way the chemicals in his/her brain have been really messed up (dopamine, etc).
so what i'm trying to say here is that your loved one may have made a really self-centered, stupid decision to begin using substances at the beginning, but it has now changed into a neurologic condition. We do not expect stroke victims to make good decisions on their own behalf. We do not expect them to be able to heal on their own once they get discharged from the hospital - we follow doctor's orders and get them into physical therapy, occupational therapy, etc. because we know that is how their brain and body will heal. And the healing from the neurologic condition of addiction is similar.
Hope that helps.
Regarding your confusion about why your loved one is not willing to go for treatment. Just one little piece of that answer lies in the fact that drugs/alcohol affect the brain - especially the part of the brain where morals, maturity, empathy, learning from mistakes, etc., are located. The Alanon literature says alcoholism (addiction) is a disease, but for me it makes more sense to call it a neurologic condition. Much like a stroke. And also making things worse for your loved one is the way the chemicals in his/her brain have been really messed up (dopamine, etc).
so what i'm trying to say here is that your loved one may have made a really self-centered, stupid decision to begin using substances at the beginning, but it has now changed into a neurologic condition. We do not expect stroke victims to make good decisions on their own behalf. We do not expect them to be able to heal on their own once they get discharged from the hospital - we follow doctor's orders and get them into physical therapy, occupational therapy, etc. because we know that is how their brain and body will heal. And the healing from the neurologic condition of addiction is similar.
Hope that helps.
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