How did you deal with this kind of shame?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 144
How did you deal with this kind of shame?
So, you all know I am a recovering stimulant addict.
I am the only one in my family tree that I know of who has been an addict. It is very shameful and irritating to me, and almost discouraging when it comes in as an interruption to my dedication to recovery. No one in my family ever says anything quite as encouraging as I'd like because they haven't been down the same path as I have. In short, I feel very lonely.
It dawned on me today: "Wow, I am a sick individual while everyone else in my family has been healthy." I feel stronger in the sense that I understand my weaknesses and am doing what is necessary to be stronger, but I immediately feel defeated when I remember that no one in my family had to do what I am choosing to. It's like I'm fighting a battle no one else I know of ever had to, and it doesn't even feel like a bonus of any kind. I don't feel I will be wiser than anyone, but simply different.
The other day, my dad told me he is proud of me for my progress. Yet, I confess to being not so appreciative because it seemed like he was saying it with no kind of knowledge of what I was really up against: the almost constant urge to pop a pill or take a drink, and the policy of running instead of fighting being applied to almost everything bad for me.
I just wish I had an uncle or something who was an alcoholic, so I could have a talk that could be shared to the best extent. I'm tired of feeling so alone, and I'm sorry for this rant.
I am the only one in my family tree that I know of who has been an addict. It is very shameful and irritating to me, and almost discouraging when it comes in as an interruption to my dedication to recovery. No one in my family ever says anything quite as encouraging as I'd like because they haven't been down the same path as I have. In short, I feel very lonely.
It dawned on me today: "Wow, I am a sick individual while everyone else in my family has been healthy." I feel stronger in the sense that I understand my weaknesses and am doing what is necessary to be stronger, but I immediately feel defeated when I remember that no one in my family had to do what I am choosing to. It's like I'm fighting a battle no one else I know of ever had to, and it doesn't even feel like a bonus of any kind. I don't feel I will be wiser than anyone, but simply different.
The other day, my dad told me he is proud of me for my progress. Yet, I confess to being not so appreciative because it seemed like he was saying it with no kind of knowledge of what I was really up against: the almost constant urge to pop a pill or take a drink, and the policy of running instead of fighting being applied to almost everything bad for me.
I just wish I had an uncle or something who was an alcoholic, so I could have a talk that could be shared to the best extent. I'm tired of feeling so alone, and I'm sorry for this rant.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 652
You have an addiction.
You are doing something about it.
If you were NOt doing anything about it, then you should be ashamed !
Be proud you have the courage to do something.
And you are not alone..
Good luck and wisedom.
You are doing something about it.
If you were NOt doing anything about it, then you should be ashamed !
Be proud you have the courage to do something.
And you are not alone..
Good luck and wisedom.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,443
Teal
If we did this for the understanding or approval of our peers, I'd wager many of us wouldn't have got far.
Many people have no idea of addiction or what kind of struggle we've had - and why should they?
To us being sober is an achievement, to others it's their normal state.
There's no shame in being who you are today
You know where you were, and you know where you are now - it's been quite a journey...whether anyone else 'out there' appreciates it or not
We know
D
If we did this for the understanding or approval of our peers, I'd wager many of us wouldn't have got far.
Many people have no idea of addiction or what kind of struggle we've had - and why should they?
To us being sober is an achievement, to others it's their normal state.
There's no shame in being who you are today
You know where you were, and you know where you are now - it's been quite a journey...whether anyone else 'out there' appreciates it or not
We know
D
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Teal,
What if you contracted bird flu one day....would you be ashamed? If it was a friend or family member who contracted bird flu....should they be ashamed?
What if you were in a car accident and as a result of that accident you were confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life... would you be ashamed? What if someone you knew or someone in your family was in a wheelchair.... should they be ashamed?
Those two examples are similar yet different. The bird flu one "just happened" so there's likely no shame involved. The wheelchair one....the person who got hurt may have had a roll in it so there's the possibility for some shame. Odds are though, if it was your friend or relative I bet it's safe to say you wouldn't look down on them for being in a chair. You may feel sorry that this is the result of their actions but wouldn't you forget the actions and hope that they go on to be the best person they possibly can from this point on? I bet you would.
THAT you're an addict is a fact. The AMA says it's a disease and they know more about diseases than I do so who am I to disagree? Let's pretend it's not a disease for a minute though. Let's pretend your addiction was 100% brought on by you, your actions, and you could have avoided it at any time but you didn't. In other words, let's say you're the one in the wheelchair and you caused your own car accident. Do you really think people would look down on you for it? I hiiiiighly doubt it.
Your family doesn't understand addiction, recovery from it, the new lifestyle you're living or really.....much of anything about you. You, on the other hand, probably don't understand everything all of them are living with, dealing with, thinking about and so on. That's just life. We all have our issues to deal with and it's not everyone's responsibility to completely understand and support us in everything I do nor is it our responsibility to understand and support the world in everything everyone else does.
I was ashamed of my alcoholism at first. I felt it made me "less than." Actually, I more-than felt it..... I was 100% convinced of it. When that alcoholism led me to "have to" work on my recovery, I felt sorry for myself. I was mad that "I have to do this extra work that nobody else does." ....then, that wheelchair analogy hit my head. What if I was in a chair...wouldn't it be pointless and self-defeating to sit in it wallowing in my misery when I could be out there trying to make the best of my life? Isn't that the opportunity everyone has all the time - to get out there and make the best of their life?
Now, I look at the things I'm doing and I'm downright proud and thankful for my addiction. Were it not for this disease I NEVER would have met a TON of friends I've made in the past 3 years....and there's no telling where some of these relationships will take me. Were it not for my alcoholism, I never would have established any sort of relationship with a Higher Power - it would have just continued to be me against the world....and we all know what a futile game THAT is. Now it's me along WITH the world. I'm able to see you and everyone else as a brother or a sister. If I was never an alcoholic I wouldn't be able to occasionally say something here, in a meeting, or to one of my sponsees who's suffering from the same disease and help them.
If it wasn't for my alcoholism, I wouldn't be anywhere close to the person I am today....and I'm downright proud of who I am today -- and that's a HUGE contrast to how I felt about myself for the vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast majority of my life. So my mom and my brother don't understand it...that's ok. So the people at work don't understand it.....ok. So the majoirity of ppl out there in the world don't understand it....ok. I've learned to just be more accepting.... that's one of the gifts of recovery...it's one of those things that (for me) ONLY came once I got into recovery, started working, and became RECOVERED.
I don't obsess about booze anymore....I don't freak out thinking about doing a bunch of coke or hear those voices that used to tell me how great tonight will be once that ecstasy hits my system. Instead, I'm going to come home from work, cut my grass, and go to a meeting at 8:30..........where I just might be in the right place at the right time to say something that the ol' HP puts into my head that saves some new person's life. I get to reeeeally help people now versus use them as pawns in a game I thought I was playing. I get to make a real difference now. How AWESOME is that? ........and none of it would have come about had I not been "in this chair" of alcoholism. It's, when I really think about it, a blessing.
What if you contracted bird flu one day....would you be ashamed? If it was a friend or family member who contracted bird flu....should they be ashamed?
What if you were in a car accident and as a result of that accident you were confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life... would you be ashamed? What if someone you knew or someone in your family was in a wheelchair.... should they be ashamed?
Those two examples are similar yet different. The bird flu one "just happened" so there's likely no shame involved. The wheelchair one....the person who got hurt may have had a roll in it so there's the possibility for some shame. Odds are though, if it was your friend or relative I bet it's safe to say you wouldn't look down on them for being in a chair. You may feel sorry that this is the result of their actions but wouldn't you forget the actions and hope that they go on to be the best person they possibly can from this point on? I bet you would.
THAT you're an addict is a fact. The AMA says it's a disease and they know more about diseases than I do so who am I to disagree? Let's pretend it's not a disease for a minute though. Let's pretend your addiction was 100% brought on by you, your actions, and you could have avoided it at any time but you didn't. In other words, let's say you're the one in the wheelchair and you caused your own car accident. Do you really think people would look down on you for it? I hiiiiighly doubt it.
Your family doesn't understand addiction, recovery from it, the new lifestyle you're living or really.....much of anything about you. You, on the other hand, probably don't understand everything all of them are living with, dealing with, thinking about and so on. That's just life. We all have our issues to deal with and it's not everyone's responsibility to completely understand and support us in everything I do nor is it our responsibility to understand and support the world in everything everyone else does.
I was ashamed of my alcoholism at first. I felt it made me "less than." Actually, I more-than felt it..... I was 100% convinced of it. When that alcoholism led me to "have to" work on my recovery, I felt sorry for myself. I was mad that "I have to do this extra work that nobody else does." ....then, that wheelchair analogy hit my head. What if I was in a chair...wouldn't it be pointless and self-defeating to sit in it wallowing in my misery when I could be out there trying to make the best of my life? Isn't that the opportunity everyone has all the time - to get out there and make the best of their life?
Now, I look at the things I'm doing and I'm downright proud and thankful for my addiction. Were it not for this disease I NEVER would have met a TON of friends I've made in the past 3 years....and there's no telling where some of these relationships will take me. Were it not for my alcoholism, I never would have established any sort of relationship with a Higher Power - it would have just continued to be me against the world....and we all know what a futile game THAT is. Now it's me along WITH the world. I'm able to see you and everyone else as a brother or a sister. If I was never an alcoholic I wouldn't be able to occasionally say something here, in a meeting, or to one of my sponsees who's suffering from the same disease and help them.
If it wasn't for my alcoholism, I wouldn't be anywhere close to the person I am today....and I'm downright proud of who I am today -- and that's a HUGE contrast to how I felt about myself for the vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast majority of my life. So my mom and my brother don't understand it...that's ok. So the people at work don't understand it.....ok. So the majoirity of ppl out there in the world don't understand it....ok. I've learned to just be more accepting.... that's one of the gifts of recovery...it's one of those things that (for me) ONLY came once I got into recovery, started working, and became RECOVERED.
I don't obsess about booze anymore....I don't freak out thinking about doing a bunch of coke or hear those voices that used to tell me how great tonight will be once that ecstasy hits my system. Instead, I'm going to come home from work, cut my grass, and go to a meeting at 8:30..........where I just might be in the right place at the right time to say something that the ol' HP puts into my head that saves some new person's life. I get to reeeeally help people now versus use them as pawns in a game I thought I was playing. I get to make a real difference now. How AWESOME is that? ........and none of it would have come about had I not been "in this chair" of alcoholism. It's, when I really think about it, a blessing.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
I wasn't ashamed of my addictions....they were actually my solution to my shame, guilt, fear, doubt and insecurity. After a while though, the drinks and drugs increased rather than covered up my feelings of guilt and shame. AA was a much better solution for me.
There is no drug addiction or alcoholism in my family tree either. But it is loaded with workaholics, overacheivers....those who find their self esteem by way of compulsive accomplishing. This also is an addiction, but far more socially accepted. The blessing of my alcoholism is that it WASN'T acceptable. Hence, I needed to find a way out....a way to regulate my feelings and love myself without depending on outside stuff.
I define "normal" people as those who are probably sick and don't know it....so they never have to address it. My addictions made it quite clear that I was sick, so recovery became possible for me. And I regard recovery as a spiritual process. I never would've become spiritually fit without the need to change. Those who are self satisfied in their dependencies on outside stuff (ref. George Carlin) have little motivation to change.
Thus, I am grateful for my addiction...for my maladaptive solution to the shame and guilt that I already had, and which BTW, I think is largely inescapable in our childhood years. It brought me to the need for a spiritual awakening.
My family will never understand the nature of addiction, and I no longer need them to do so. Today they can appeciate me for who I am, not what I was. At three years sober, my mother offered me a beer. And she hasn't had a drink for 40 years. She just doesn't get it, and that's ok. She also knows that I can't get drunk if I don't pick up a drink.
I highly recommend reading "Healing the Shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw.
blessings
zenbear
There is no drug addiction or alcoholism in my family tree either. But it is loaded with workaholics, overacheivers....those who find their self esteem by way of compulsive accomplishing. This also is an addiction, but far more socially accepted. The blessing of my alcoholism is that it WASN'T acceptable. Hence, I needed to find a way out....a way to regulate my feelings and love myself without depending on outside stuff.
I define "normal" people as those who are probably sick and don't know it....so they never have to address it. My addictions made it quite clear that I was sick, so recovery became possible for me. And I regard recovery as a spiritual process. I never would've become spiritually fit without the need to change. Those who are self satisfied in their dependencies on outside stuff (ref. George Carlin) have little motivation to change.
Thus, I am grateful for my addiction...for my maladaptive solution to the shame and guilt that I already had, and which BTW, I think is largely inescapable in our childhood years. It brought me to the need for a spiritual awakening.
My family will never understand the nature of addiction, and I no longer need them to do so. Today they can appeciate me for who I am, not what I was. At three years sober, my mother offered me a beer. And she hasn't had a drink for 40 years. She just doesn't get it, and that's ok. She also knows that I can't get drunk if I don't pick up a drink.
I highly recommend reading "Healing the Shame that binds you" by John Bradshaw.
blessings
zenbear
Behind the Red Door
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by Tealvertigo 
The other day, my dad told me he is proud of me for my progress. Yet, I confess to being not so appreciative because it seemed like he was saying it with no kind of knowledge of what I was really up against: the almost constant urge to pop a pill or take a drink, and the policy of running instead of fighting being applied to almost everything bad for me.
From the parents perspective, we understand how easy it could be for us to lose you. Even as early in the game as I am, I know that this could very well be a liftetime struggle for her, and on any given day if she loses the battle, I could lose a child. I think we all have different view points of the disease, but as someone else said, it's a family disease. We all have to recover together.
As I am trying my best to put myself in her shoes and appreciate her struggle, I hope she is trying to understand what it's like to be in my shoes. It's scary as hell.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Originally Posted by Tealvertigo
It dawned on me today: "Wow, I am a sick individual while everyone else in my family has been healthy." I feel stronger in the sense that I understand my weaknesses and am doing what is necessary to be stronger, but I immediately feel defeated when I remember that no one in my family had to do what I am choosing to.
Being human means being imperfect. All of us have had to walk that valley by ourselves at one time or another. Addiction is only one choice in a whole pallet of human shortfalls and misadventures.
Getting past a stimulant addiction is not easy. I appreciate EXACTLY what you are going through... and let me acknowledge the hard work and dedication that you are putting into your journey. Awesome.
I am getting a good feeling about you and your recovery teal... stick around here at SR, please.... I need the company of another recovered stimulant addict as much as you do!!!
Mark
BTW... we can all be each other's surrogate recovered uncle!
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 3,550
You feel lonely. That's completely understandable. But think how lonely you also felt when you were drinking. Alcoholism and drug addiction has rightfully been called "the lonely disease." Sure it often starts by drinking in groups but, as it progresses, it usually ends up with solitary drinking. At least it did with me.
One way to get over this loneliness is to seek the company of folks who have been where you have been and where you are right now- other alcoholics. Your family may not understand all this completely (mine sure didn't) but these folks do and they can help you feel less lonely. The same is true with a sponsor and I hope you have or can find an understanding and wise one. It will get better over time if you stick with it. If not, it will get worse over time. So if you hang in there, things will brighten up. Your family, although they may never completely understand, will admire and respect you. And you'll begin to respect yourself. You've been ill and you're getting better. Lots of luck.
Wpainterw
One way to get over this loneliness is to seek the company of folks who have been where you have been and where you are right now- other alcoholics. Your family may not understand all this completely (mine sure didn't) but these folks do and they can help you feel less lonely. The same is true with a sponsor and I hope you have or can find an understanding and wise one. It will get better over time if you stick with it. If not, it will get worse over time. So if you hang in there, things will brighten up. Your family, although they may never completely understand, will admire and respect you. And you'll begin to respect yourself. You've been ill and you're getting better. Lots of luck.
Wpainterw
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,511
I totally understand what you are saying.
I was overwhelmed with shame and guilt and those feelings kept me addicted longer than I should have been. Don't let the negative emotions keep you in the cycle of addiction. I found that journalling really helped me.
And, I wanted desperately for my husband and children to understand what had happened to me and why. It was so important to me. But, they didn't want to know. They wanted me to get better, period. They had no interest in hearing anything about it. I had to learn to be patient and to accept their feelings. One of the reasons that I come here is because I know that people here understand what we go through.
I was overwhelmed with shame and guilt and those feelings kept me addicted longer than I should have been. Don't let the negative emotions keep you in the cycle of addiction. I found that journalling really helped me.
And, I wanted desperately for my husband and children to understand what had happened to me and why. It was so important to me. But, they didn't want to know. They wanted me to get better, period. They had no interest in hearing anything about it. I had to learn to be patient and to accept their feelings. One of the reasons that I come here is because I know that people here understand what we go through.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: England
Posts: 137
Hi hun,
Proud is a big word and rest assured if your dad said he was proud of you whether he understands or not your addiction and its problems, then rest assured he is proud of you.
It hit a nerve with me and brought tear to my eye, I cannot ever remember my father ever saying he was proud of me about anything and now he is dead so he never will, perhaps he had nothing to be proud of me about.
I think to make you feel more secure in what you are doing and going through you need to relate to people with the same problems with their addictions. Not other active alcoholics you will get no answers there, but with recovering ones such as yourself.
Here is a great place to start, and AA is another avenue that can be explored.
Here we are proud of each other every day. We all know the daily struggle. We are still proud of the people who fall by the wayside but pick themselves up and start the struggle again.
Alcoholism and other addictions are a disease, nothing to be ashamed of there, but we have a choice whether to make it terminal or not, and with other diseases we do not get that choice, at least we CAN do something about it.
You may be suprised but I bet your father is not a blind in his thinking or understanding as you think he is.
Keep posting on here hun, reading and writing it is a great way to talk through your doubts and fears.
*hugs Suzie
Proud is a big word and rest assured if your dad said he was proud of you whether he understands or not your addiction and its problems, then rest assured he is proud of you.
It hit a nerve with me and brought tear to my eye, I cannot ever remember my father ever saying he was proud of me about anything and now he is dead so he never will, perhaps he had nothing to be proud of me about.
I think to make you feel more secure in what you are doing and going through you need to relate to people with the same problems with their addictions. Not other active alcoholics you will get no answers there, but with recovering ones such as yourself.
Here is a great place to start, and AA is another avenue that can be explored.
Here we are proud of each other every day. We all know the daily struggle. We are still proud of the people who fall by the wayside but pick themselves up and start the struggle again.
Alcoholism and other addictions are a disease, nothing to be ashamed of there, but we have a choice whether to make it terminal or not, and with other diseases we do not get that choice, at least we CAN do something about it.
You may be suprised but I bet your father is not a blind in his thinking or understanding as you think he is.
Keep posting on here hun, reading and writing it is a great way to talk through your doubts and fears.
*hugs Suzie
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2010
Posts: 144
Originally Posted by DayTrader
Teal,
What if you contracted bird flu one day....would you be ashamed? If it was a friend or family member who contracted bird flu....should they be ashamed?
What if you were in a car accident and as a result of that accident you were confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life... would you be ashamed? What if someone you knew or someone in your family was in a wheelchair.... should they be ashamed?
Those two examples are similar yet different. The bird flu one "just happened" so there's likely no shame involved. The wheelchair one....the person who got hurt may have had a roll in it so there's the possibility for some shame. Odds are though, if it was your friend or relative I bet it's safe to say you wouldn't look down on them for being in a chair. You may feel sorry that this is the result of their actions but wouldn't you forget the actions and hope that they go on to be the best person they possibly can from this point on? I bet you would.
THAT you're an addict is a fact. The AMA says it's a disease and they know more about diseases than I do so who am I to disagree? Let's pretend it's not a disease for a minute though. Let's pretend your addiction was 100% brought on by you, your actions, and you could have avoided it at any time but you didn't. In other words, let's say you're the one in the wheelchair and you caused your own car accident. Do you really think people would look down on you for it? I hiiiiighly doubt it.
Your family doesn't understand addiction, recovery from it, the new lifestyle you're living or really.....much of anything about you. You, on the other hand, probably don't understand everything all of them are living with, dealing with, thinking about and so on. That's just life. We all have our issues to deal with and it's not everyone's responsibility to completely understand and support us in everything I do nor is it our responsibility to understand and support the world in everything everyone else does.
I was ashamed of my alcoholism at first. I felt it made me "less than." Actually, I more-than felt it..... I was 100% convinced of it. When that alcoholism led me to "have to" work on my recovery, I felt sorry for myself. I was mad that "I have to do this extra work that nobody else does." ....then, that wheelchair analogy hit my head. What if I was in a chair...wouldn't it be pointless and self-defeating to sit in it wallowing in my misery when I could be out there trying to make the best of my life? Isn't that the opportunity everyone has all the time - to get out there and make the best of their life?
Now, I look at the things I'm doing and I'm downright proud and thankful for my addiction. Were it not for this disease I NEVER would have met a TON of friends I've made in the past 3 years....and there's no telling where some of these relationships will take me. Were it not for my alcoholism, I never would have established any sort of relationship with a Higher Power - it would have just continued to be me against the world....and we all know what a futile game THAT is. Now it's me along WITH the world. I'm able to see you and everyone else as a brother or a sister. If I was never an alcoholic I wouldn't be able to occasionally say something here, in a meeting, or to one of my sponsees who's suffering from the same disease and help them.
If it wasn't for my alcoholism, I wouldn't be anywhere close to the person I am today....and I'm downright proud of who I am today -- and that's a HUGE contrast to how I felt about myself for the vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast majority of my life. So my mom and my brother don't understand it...that's ok. So the people at work don't understand it.....ok. So the majoirity of ppl out there in the world don't understand it....ok. I've learned to just be more accepting.... that's one of the gifts of recovery...it's one of those things that (for me) ONLY came once I got into recovery, started working, and became RECOVERED.
I don't obsess about booze anymore....I don't freak out thinking about doing a bunch of coke or hear those voices that used to tell me how great tonight will be once that ecstasy hits my system. Instead, I'm going to come home from work, cut my grass, and go to a meeting at 8:30..........where I just might be in the right place at the right time to say something that the ol' HP puts into my head that saves some new person's life. I get to reeeeally help people now versus use them as pawns in a game I thought I was playing. I get to make a real difference now. How AWESOME is that? ........and none of it would have come about had I not been "in this chair" of alcoholism. It's, when I really think about it, a blessing.
What if you contracted bird flu one day....would you be ashamed? If it was a friend or family member who contracted bird flu....should they be ashamed?
What if you were in a car accident and as a result of that accident you were confined to a wheelchair for the rest of your life... would you be ashamed? What if someone you knew or someone in your family was in a wheelchair.... should they be ashamed?
Those two examples are similar yet different. The bird flu one "just happened" so there's likely no shame involved. The wheelchair one....the person who got hurt may have had a roll in it so there's the possibility for some shame. Odds are though, if it was your friend or relative I bet it's safe to say you wouldn't look down on them for being in a chair. You may feel sorry that this is the result of their actions but wouldn't you forget the actions and hope that they go on to be the best person they possibly can from this point on? I bet you would.
THAT you're an addict is a fact. The AMA says it's a disease and they know more about diseases than I do so who am I to disagree? Let's pretend it's not a disease for a minute though. Let's pretend your addiction was 100% brought on by you, your actions, and you could have avoided it at any time but you didn't. In other words, let's say you're the one in the wheelchair and you caused your own car accident. Do you really think people would look down on you for it? I hiiiiighly doubt it.
Your family doesn't understand addiction, recovery from it, the new lifestyle you're living or really.....much of anything about you. You, on the other hand, probably don't understand everything all of them are living with, dealing with, thinking about and so on. That's just life. We all have our issues to deal with and it's not everyone's responsibility to completely understand and support us in everything I do nor is it our responsibility to understand and support the world in everything everyone else does.
I was ashamed of my alcoholism at first. I felt it made me "less than." Actually, I more-than felt it..... I was 100% convinced of it. When that alcoholism led me to "have to" work on my recovery, I felt sorry for myself. I was mad that "I have to do this extra work that nobody else does." ....then, that wheelchair analogy hit my head. What if I was in a chair...wouldn't it be pointless and self-defeating to sit in it wallowing in my misery when I could be out there trying to make the best of my life? Isn't that the opportunity everyone has all the time - to get out there and make the best of their life?
Now, I look at the things I'm doing and I'm downright proud and thankful for my addiction. Were it not for this disease I NEVER would have met a TON of friends I've made in the past 3 years....and there's no telling where some of these relationships will take me. Were it not for my alcoholism, I never would have established any sort of relationship with a Higher Power - it would have just continued to be me against the world....and we all know what a futile game THAT is. Now it's me along WITH the world. I'm able to see you and everyone else as a brother or a sister. If I was never an alcoholic I wouldn't be able to occasionally say something here, in a meeting, or to one of my sponsees who's suffering from the same disease and help them.
If it wasn't for my alcoholism, I wouldn't be anywhere close to the person I am today....and I'm downright proud of who I am today -- and that's a HUGE contrast to how I felt about myself for the vaaaaaaaaaaaaaaast majority of my life. So my mom and my brother don't understand it...that's ok. So the people at work don't understand it.....ok. So the majoirity of ppl out there in the world don't understand it....ok. I've learned to just be more accepting.... that's one of the gifts of recovery...it's one of those things that (for me) ONLY came once I got into recovery, started working, and became RECOVERED.
I don't obsess about booze anymore....I don't freak out thinking about doing a bunch of coke or hear those voices that used to tell me how great tonight will be once that ecstasy hits my system. Instead, I'm going to come home from work, cut my grass, and go to a meeting at 8:30..........where I just might be in the right place at the right time to say something that the ol' HP puts into my head that saves some new person's life. I get to reeeeally help people now versus use them as pawns in a game I thought I was playing. I get to make a real difference now. How AWESOME is that? ........and none of it would have come about had I not been "in this chair" of alcoholism. It's, when I really think about it, a blessing.
I feel I was being completely unfair in judging my Dad's compliment. I should have taken it for what it was: a compliment and pat on the back. I tend to overanalyze too much, so I rarely appreciate the small things that could truly make a world of difference if I took them the right way. I know he loves me and I love him and need him in my life. I would be destroyed if he died of heart failure or something he could *not* control. I guess I should put myself in his shoes and imagine what it would be like for him to lose me to something I *can* control.
I think a major problem I have is that I have no idea how to live and think for myself. My life has comprised of constantly comparing myself to others and never thinking "well, this is who I am, and so I should love the things I can do and not worry about the things I can't". This has resulted in winding up depressed a lot and eventually using drugs as a way to not have to think about it. None of my friends compare themselves to me, so why should I compare myself to them?
I yearn for understanding and *to* understand everything I can, which is probably why I want to be a teacher. However, it's so stressful and depressing to live this way because I'm always thinking. I can't even get a cough in the morning without wondering for an hour what caused it what might happen if it gets worse.
Something interesting happened earlier. First of all, I need to mention that my counselor has been talking to me about a re-diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and I have, for the most part, been reluctant to accept it because I see it as a stigma in the name. However, mom talked to me today and said she was researching it and agrees that I might have it, and that I should get help. She said I should not be ashamed in the least because a lot of people have it, and that being ashamed would prevent me from getting better. She mentioned that she is completely ready to work with my anger and emotional episodes and will never resent me for them.
I have only been completely clean for a week or two. Awhile after quitting the stimulants, I was using Vicodin and Alcohol on and off. The worst part is that, one day, I can be totally wanting to be clean and dedicated to such, but the next I could have a mood swing or emotional crisis and relapse without even thinking about it. Maybe a change in medication and therapy technique could actually help me.
I'm so afraid of the diagnosis of "Borderline Personality Disorder" because so many people resent it (more often than not out of misunderstanding), and apparently some mental health professionals even disrespect it or put it on the back burner. It also makes me feel like a psychopath, despite being a good person who is at the mercy of his emotions.
I feel way too caught up in the labels and circumstances that I don't feel so willing to look toward the steps I need to truly recover. Help
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: England
Posts: 137
Aww hun,
Glad you have a great mom and dad and a supportive councelor to help you throught this.
You come across to me as a very sensitive, itelligent, caring person and I am really praying for you that you get the correct help to get you over this.
It is worth staying clean so that you can think straight about everything and accept the help so that one year from now or less you will be so much stronger.
There is always someone here to talk things through with 24/7 keep posting.
Suzie x
Glad you have a great mom and dad and a supportive councelor to help you throught this.
You come across to me as a very sensitive, itelligent, caring person and I am really praying for you that you get the correct help to get you over this.
It is worth staying clean so that you can think straight about everything and accept the help so that one year from now or less you will be so much stronger.
There is always someone here to talk things through with 24/7 keep posting.
Suzie x
Member
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 385
Originally Posted by Tealvertigo
first of all, I really would love to respond to every single post, but such isn't exactly practical so I will do the best I can to look back on some things that were pointed out to me.
I feel I was being completely unfair in judging my Dad's compliment. I should have taken it for what it was: a compliment and pat on the back. I tend to overanalyze too much, so I rarely appreciate the small things that could truly make a world of difference if I took them the right way. I know he loves me and I love him and need him in my life. I would be destroyed if he died of heart failure or something he could *not* control. I guess I should put myself in his shoes and imagine what it would be like for him to lose me to something I *can* control.
I think a major problem I have is that I have no idea how to live and think for myself. My life has comprised of constantly comparing myself to others and never thinking "well, this is who I am, and so I should love the things I can do and not worry about the things I can't". This has resulted in winding up depressed a lot and eventually using drugs as a way to not have to think about it. None of my friends compare themselves to me, so why should I compare myself to them?
I yearn for understanding and *to* understand everything I can, which is probably why I want to be a teacher. However, it's so stressful and depressing to live this way because I'm always thinking. I can't even get a cough in the morning without wondering for an hour what caused it what might happen if it gets worse.
Something interesting happened earlier. First of all, I need to mention that my counselor has been talking to me about a re-diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and I have, for the most part, been reluctant to accept it because I see it as a stigma in the name. However, mom talked to me today and said she was researching it and agrees that I might have it, and that I should get help. She said I should not be ashamed in the least because a lot of people have it, and that being ashamed would prevent me from getting better. She mentioned that she is completely ready to work with my anger and emotional episodes and will never resent me for them.
I have only been completely clean for a week or two. Awhile after quitting the stimulants, I was using Vicodin and Alcohol on and off. The worst part is that, one day, I can be totally wanting to be clean and dedicated to such, but the next I could have a mood swing or emotional crisis and relapse without even thinking about it. Maybe a change in medication and therapy technique could actually help me.
I'm so afraid of the diagnosis of "Borderline Personality Disorder" because so many people resent it (more often than not out of misunderstanding), and apparently some mental health professionals even disrespect it or put it on the back burner. It also makes me feel like a psychopath, despite being a good person who is at the mercy of his emotions.
I feel way too caught up in the labels and circumstances that I don't feel so willing to look toward the steps I need to truly recover. Help
I feel I was being completely unfair in judging my Dad's compliment. I should have taken it for what it was: a compliment and pat on the back. I tend to overanalyze too much, so I rarely appreciate the small things that could truly make a world of difference if I took them the right way. I know he loves me and I love him and need him in my life. I would be destroyed if he died of heart failure or something he could *not* control. I guess I should put myself in his shoes and imagine what it would be like for him to lose me to something I *can* control.
I think a major problem I have is that I have no idea how to live and think for myself. My life has comprised of constantly comparing myself to others and never thinking "well, this is who I am, and so I should love the things I can do and not worry about the things I can't". This has resulted in winding up depressed a lot and eventually using drugs as a way to not have to think about it. None of my friends compare themselves to me, so why should I compare myself to them?
I yearn for understanding and *to* understand everything I can, which is probably why I want to be a teacher. However, it's so stressful and depressing to live this way because I'm always thinking. I can't even get a cough in the morning without wondering for an hour what caused it what might happen if it gets worse.
Something interesting happened earlier. First of all, I need to mention that my counselor has been talking to me about a re-diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder and I have, for the most part, been reluctant to accept it because I see it as a stigma in the name. However, mom talked to me today and said she was researching it and agrees that I might have it, and that I should get help. She said I should not be ashamed in the least because a lot of people have it, and that being ashamed would prevent me from getting better. She mentioned that she is completely ready to work with my anger and emotional episodes and will never resent me for them.
I have only been completely clean for a week or two. Awhile after quitting the stimulants, I was using Vicodin and Alcohol on and off. The worst part is that, one day, I can be totally wanting to be clean and dedicated to such, but the next I could have a mood swing or emotional crisis and relapse without even thinking about it. Maybe a change in medication and therapy technique could actually help me.
I'm so afraid of the diagnosis of "Borderline Personality Disorder" because so many people resent it (more often than not out of misunderstanding), and apparently some mental health professionals even disrespect it or put it on the back burner. It also makes me feel like a psychopath, despite being a good person who is at the mercy of his emotions.
I feel way too caught up in the labels and circumstances that I don't feel so willing to look toward the steps I need to truly recover. Help
Recent research indicates a causal relationship between trauma and BPD. PTSD (trauma survivors) commonly suffer from BPD, and dialectical behavioral therapy....which is pretty effective for trauma, is also an excellent treatment for BPD. So whether you are or you aren't, don't lose hope. there is a solution. Like recovery, it isn't an overnight magic bullet, and it requires some serious commitment....but contrary to outdated beliefs, BPDs DO recover....if they are "willing to go to any lengths."
You have nothing to prove to God or man.
blessings
zenbear
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 163
Shame is getting on towards payday and being broke. There's barely enough money for food, but there's always plenty of money for beer.
Shame is cleaning out the beer cans from the car so the family can go to Church, and standing there in the choir with a hangover hoping nobody can smell you.
The things I'm ashamed of are from my drinking. So getting away from those things are the right and proper thing to do, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
Shame is cleaning out the beer cans from the car so the family can go to Church, and standing there in the choir with a hangover hoping nobody can smell you.
The things I'm ashamed of are from my drinking. So getting away from those things are the right and proper thing to do, and that's nothing to be ashamed of.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Location: Dallas, Tx
Posts: 2,405
Teal, don't be so hard on yourself. I know that's easier said than done but try to hold on to the good things. It sounds like you have supportive parents and that's a BIG bonus for you. I was diagnosed with BordPersDis and PTSD about 16 yrs ago, I was a single parent and had no family within 2000 miles. I've never felt shame for the diagnosis and very rarely have I shared that diagnosis with anyone in RL. II had intense therapy for several years and went through a lot of different medications for treatment. I ws very reluctant to take any medication and I'll never forget the psychiatrist telling me "if you had epilepsy would you resist medication? mental health issues are no different" we don't ask for "problems". I no longer go to therapy nor do I take any medication, I understand and accept myself now for who/what I am and it's ok. You don't have to be alone, there are always people here on SR that you reach out to any time of day or night. There are also forums strictly for people with specific diagnosis to talk about their specific issues.
God bless you.
God bless you.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Dang Teal... once again, I totally identify with everything you wrote... especially this part:
.....including wanting to be a teacher!!!
I can tell you this for a fact though... I don't suffer from that stuff nearly as much as I used to. Every once and while though, I get caught up in it but I'm getting better at catching when I'm in a spin, I don't go as far down, it doesn't last as long, and it doesn't usually hurt as much.
I've heard it referred to as "toxic shame" and I can tell you first hand, this toxic shame (for me) is absolutely 100% trying to convince me to kill myself. I'll tell ya the truth, I'd rather go back to drinking myself to death than that shame-based "thinking-myself to death."
Check your pm's.
Mike
I think a major problem I have is that I have no idea how to live and think for myself. My life has comprised of constantly comparing myself to others and never thinking "well, this is who I am, and so I should love the things I can do and not worry about the things I can't". This has resulted in winding up depressed a lot and eventually using drugs as a way to not have to think about it. None of my friends compare themselves to me, so why should I compare myself to them?
I yearn for understanding and *to* understand everything I can, which is probably why I want to be a teacher. However, it's so stressful and depressing to live this way because I'm always thinking.
I yearn for understanding and *to* understand everything I can, which is probably why I want to be a teacher. However, it's so stressful and depressing to live this way because I'm always thinking.
I can tell you this for a fact though... I don't suffer from that stuff nearly as much as I used to. Every once and while though, I get caught up in it but I'm getting better at catching when I'm in a spin, I don't go as far down, it doesn't last as long, and it doesn't usually hurt as much.
I've heard it referred to as "toxic shame" and I can tell you first hand, this toxic shame (for me) is absolutely 100% trying to convince me to kill myself. I'll tell ya the truth, I'd rather go back to drinking myself to death than that shame-based "thinking-myself to death."
Check your pm's.
Mike
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
