FarawayFromCars

Got messages via FB from my mom inviting me to meet up with them and AS at a museum next week. Told them, okay, as long as they and AS are willing to abide by my boundaries: if AS drinks, I leave. I will not put up with AS' manipulation, rehashing of the past, and blaming me for her drinking. My mom writes me back this:

FFC, again I would say if you can't just try to move on, then let's just forget about the museum or whatever I was trying to do to be together anymore. Whatever...I don't need therapy, I need for everyone to move on and love each other. Apparently that is too much to ask. I am so very disappointed that what I see as a simple solution, that there is a bond within us all that should be honored and that we really should try to move forward, but no one else seems to feel that way. If Dad and I, who are the ones most impacted by AS can forgive and forget, why can't anyone else seem to do this? At some point you have to stop worrying and just enjoy the moment. I can't say anymore, other than, in spite of really liking _________, I truly do regret ever moving back to this state in the first place. It now seems way more trouble that it was worth. What I wouldn't do for just one day of true peace and love in this family, sincerely so. I can say no more. I am sorry that you cannot just relax and see what happens. I'm sorry you can't be the good daughter.


Ummm....yeah. I wrote back a simple 'sorry you feel that way and cannot respect my boundaries, but so be it". Have since blocked her messages on FB because frankly, I'm tired of dealing with this sh*t.

Sorry...just had to vent.

naive

FFC-

your mother is applying manipulation by trying to guilt you.

well done speaking your truth.

for myself, i minimized family get togethers as they were so energetically dysfunctional, that i knew it wasn't healthy for me.

you stated a clear boundary. mom didn't like that because it interferes with her denial.

for myself, i started missing most if not all family functions and it was a relief. i realized i was only doing so out of obligation. i actually didn't want to go to christmas, funerals, thanksgivings, family reunions, birthdays, hooplas...

Suzie12

You handled that very well, sensibly and without drama, but I can understand that you must feel angry and hurt at your mum's attitude but she aint probably ever going to change it so you must do what you know is best for yourself.

I dont think that you were in anyway unreasonable hun, *hugs.

Still Waters

Whoa.

In my opinion, you ARE being the good daughter, because you're taking care of YOU working on making yourself better than you were.

dollydo

Wow, your Mom is toxic.

I don't do many family events,as my Mom is an alcoholic and all there is way too much stress for me.

You are a good daughter don't let her words bring you down.

Bernadette

from naive: i minimized family get togethers as they were so energetically dysfunctional, that i knew it wasn't healthy for me.

Energetically dysfunctional!! Man you hit the nail on the head! That is the phrase of the day for me!

Farawayfromcars-- this must be so hard, and your mom is so warped in her thinking.

One thing I did think of though is that when I first got into AlAnon I thought that stating my boundaries meant they would be respected. And so I was setting myself up for further aggravation because I was still trying to "control" my A bros, or at least control them when they were around me. It wasn't until I heard enough stories in AlAnon about enforcing boundaries that I realized I don't ever have to state them or reveal them to anyone - since if I reveal them to a sick mind I am asking for a fight. I just have to keep them in my mind and enforce them for myslef without drama.

So for example, the first time I found myself in a position where one of my bros was drinking and I felt uncomfortable I just said my goodbyes to my friends and my brother and I left - no drama, no more explanation than "I gotta go, byyyeeeeeeeee!" And it all felt very peaceful and right for me. Or if my brother would call me, drunk or hungover, to start quacking and complaining and looking for validation or a fight I did the same thing "Oh." "hunh" "I see." "Gotta go byeeeeeeeee!"

i had to learn to play my cards close to my chest because the sick minds around me would just use my "recovery talk" against me. No one knows my boundaries but me - they are like the most valuable secret armor I have. And yet over time, by enforcing my own boundaries my bros stopped bringing a lot of their BS my way because it had stopped getting them anywhere! A win-win for me!

Peace-
B

silkspin

I do agree with this but I also believe it's a matter of context, as I am learning this lesson right now. I was talking with my sponsor recently about not wanting to speak with AH about any more matters concerning his drinking/sobriety but she did mention that she also felt it important, in her life and with her spouse in particular, to let them know where they stand with her - it's a part of her being honest with what she's willing to accept. But, she did say that if I would say it with ulterior motives or with anger, that it's not a good idea and best to keep it to myself.

In a situation like the above, I don't think it needs to be expressly stated because it does open the door for response, where we don't necessarily need any. But in a situation where it is within my home, I did state my boundaries to AH recently and ended with that, no more discussion. What he feels about it is irrelevant, although he didn't try to argue anything.

In my early recovery at a meeting I heard a member's share about one of their family members. There was a toxic older lady in their family (grandmother or aunt) and was abusive with her family when they came to see her but everyone put up with it because she was old and noone wanted to stir things up. This one man would bring his kids for a visit, and at the first sign of negativity from her, he would cheerfully say that they needed to make an exit. Even if it was within the first 5 minutes! And eventually, his visits became longer because the old lady learned that if she wanted to see the kids, she could not act the way she did; that the day simply didn't tolerate it. Maybe it's one of those "urban legend' al anon stories that everyone has, but a powerful example. He didn't state anything to her, just kindly and respectfully removed himself from the situation. And as the story went, he wasn't even an Al Anon!

ps I have also learned to keep my mouth shut with my mom. FFC, that could easily have been a note to me from my mom. I don't want to invite her unhealthy vent, therefore I don't provoke it. Keeps me healthier, and truthfully the urge to respond ceases after a few minutes and a few deep breaths. I'm not going to convince her of anything, so these days I save my energy to channel towards more positive means.

FarawayFromCars

Wow--this really struck a chord with me...that's a wonderful coping mechanism.

I resent all the drama surrounding my boundaries...I guess I have to remind myself that you cannot reason with someone so enmeshed in the alcoholic's disease any more than you can reason with the alcoholic.

Thank you everyone for your continued support and insightful comments...I couldn't do this without this forum.

dollydo

I have a friend who says: "You cannot reason with an unreasonable person".

Yep, I agree.

Freedom1990

Agreed!

I wonder if your mom and mine are related?!