keepinon

I know we have had our own thread, but is it possible for us(Parents of Addicts) to have a sub-group on SR? I am practically computer illiterate and have no idea how it would work.Looks like there are lots of groups--(bikers for sobriety)..we could use our own place too!

KariSue

That is a great idea. I second it!

Kari

NoelleR

Do you really feel that 'parents' need to be singled out so.....? I mean, this is the Friends and Family of Substance Abusers Forum; aren't 'parents' included in there.....family?

Is there really such a need to break it down to parents? That could be a 'slippery-slope' to singling out Fathers of....; Mothers of; Sisters of....; Brothers of....; Son of....; Daughter of....; etc.; etc.; etc.; ad infinitum....well, you can see where it might go.....

NightandDay

I initially had the same thought earlier today when reading a mother's post regarding her child. I thought "they really should have a place of their own." But then as I thought about it, I realized that I, not being a parent, would never visit it and never read those threads. Though I may not have a parent's perspective, I find what everyone here has to say incredibly valuable regardless of the exact specifics of their situation. I would miss seeing what the parents have to say, although I would understand if you all felt a need to have your own place. I think we would miss you.

liesagain

I am the mother of two now adult children (19 and 21) and the stepmother of a 14 year old son who lives with us fulltime So as a parent I can truely understand the heart ache that comes with watching your child make horrible decisions and I also know all to well the helplessness I felt when my son was going thru a mental heath issue and there was nothing in the world I could do to take his pain and sufferring away

What I dont understand is the need to seperate Parents from "other family" of addicts.

My husband is the addict in my life, and yes I did read the post that said wives couldnt understand the pain mothers go thru with the addiction of a child

I wasnt going to say anything but it seems to be more and more the topic lately and to add another perspective I feel the need to share another point of view--

The addict "children" many of the parents are here talking about are really no longer actually children most are over the age of 18 many even in their 30's

The natural progression of life is that we as parents teach and train our children when they are young and give them the best foundation we can then step back and allow them to make their own decisions and live the life they choose for themselves----we let go we move forward with our lives seperately yet always loving and caring for our now adult children

Of course the natural transition becomes complicated when drugs are involved because as parents we think we can "do" something about that but the truth is we cant not
Not any more than one can decide for their child who they should marry or what career they will have.

Now with a spouse your life is suppose to be together forever till death do us part, this is your helpmate, your finacial, emotional, social and sexual life is connected and intertwined with this person Just walk away live your own life isnt quite the same when walking away and living your life without that person --in effect changes the entire framework of your life

Essentially you never stop being the parent of the addict child no one here asks you to walk away leave them behind and DONT look back, your merely told dont give them your money your car or let them in to disrupt your Household

Well really after the age of 18 they Shouldnt be doing that anyway!! Drugs or no drugs thats just not acceptable

With a spouse --no maybe they are not your flesh and blood but the effect is profound none the less

Actually when my addict husband was relapsing of course his mom was worried she loves him but you know what she didnt have her home or finances turned upside down she didnt sit here waiting for the police car to pull up and tell her he was dead and she didnt have to worry or wonder what to tell the children.

It is no more fair for me to say----parents let go, move on Your kid is suppose to move out and be self supporting drugs or not

NO, its not and it is NOT fair to diminish the pain that spouses or other family members of the addict go thru either.

No parent suffers more than a spouse and to debate the need for a seperate place for the parents because its somehow different just makes NO sense

Addiction is a family disease, and the pain that is associated with watching a person you love ruin their life and the pain associated with trying to learn how to deal with addiction in your life that pain DOESNT increase or decrease with which family member you are

We are ALL here to learn and support each other, maybe we should stop judging others and holding ones self out as "More hurt" or needing special pages due to the relationship and start learning what it is that we(ALL of us) can to to support each other regardless of if your a mom dad bother sister wife or husband even child of the addict.



Addiction is a FAMILY disease it HURTS the entire family.

keepinon

Wow..super intense reation. If we had a parents page, what would it hurt you?We have seperate pages for Alcoholics and Substance Abusers. Christian Women in Recovery have their own group, so do Adult Children of Aloholics...getting support from others who are in your situation can be helpful..if you are so against seperate forums, do you have issues with these groups? And if so , can you just not go on them? That would seem to solve your problem right there.

Freedom1990

I can appreciate what you are asking for, my dear.

That being said, in my opinion, the basic tenets of recovery for us loved ones, whether it be a spouse, sibling, or child in active addiction, are the same.

I come to SR as a recovering addict/alcoholic, I was married to an addict/alcoholic, and I have a 32 year old addict/alcoholic daughter.

I have found wonderful experience, strength, and hope from numerous loved ones on both F&F forums, things I can apply in my life regardless of whether the ES&H was coming from a parent, spouse, or sibling of an addict.

I know for me, I was separated enough from humanity in general when I had no recovery.

I've also never seen a post from a parent of either an addict and/or an alcoholic where no one responded.

If there is something I feel I need a more personal, one-on-one discussion for, I can always PM someone or call my sponsor.

We're all in this thing together, you know?

liesagain

Keeping on,
No not an intense reaction to having a parents thread that makes no difference to me at all. My husbands not an alcoholic but I still read that page

ITS the attitude of difference that is disturbing to me heres an example
From you on the parents page

Finally..our own thread! I know it's not right to compare. BUT I do look at the partners/spouses of addicts and think...LEAVE.. GO!!!!There is no reason you can't RUN for the HILLS!

Really??? Your correct IT IS NOT RIGHT to compare. Thats my entire point.
Just as you have this idea that all spouses should run how would you feel if I said MOMS come on let it go your child is AN ADULT RUN already LOCK the door put the kid in the road where they should have been at 18?

Its wrong, period

SR, and friends and family----is a place of support for families dealing with addiction Not a place to become judgemental of others or make things so seperate

oh those wives they can just leave...what kind of response is that to wives who may not be able to leave no job no money small kids who knows what their situation is.

I could have left I chose NOT to for reasons of my own but that doesnt make my pain any less than that of a mom. I just think that its sad that so many of the moms of addicts here on SR (recently) seem to feel that their sufferring is somehow worse and that these wives could just leave

arent we here to support each other?

Freedom1990

With all due respect, I haven't read any posts that appear to be judging others or holding one's self out as 'more hurt'.

The OP asked a simple question, and I certainly didn't take offense to her question.

hello-kitty

There's a great saying in the rooms of recovery - "Focus on the similarities, not the differences."

The tenets of recovery remain the same - whether you are a codependent parent, codependent spouse, alcoholic, crack addict, heroin addict, etc., etc. And the only way you can change the way you feel is to change the way you act. That wisdom stretches across the lines of sibling, parent, child, daughter, husband, wife.

Freedom1990

So very true, and thanks for the reminder, dear!

I would like to ask everyone to read Mike's Public Service Announcement that was recently posted, and think before you hit that 'submit reply' button if you are feeling a bit irked or angry:
http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

Ann

As the mom of an addict, I learn every day from everyone here...the spouses, the siblings, the friends.

I may sometimes participate more in threads where I feel more connected, sometimes it`s a new mom who just arrived, or an old timer mom in distress because sharing my own experience strength and hope may bring them that tiny glimmer of hope that life doesn`t have to be terrible every day.

But the threads from the spouses, the double winners, the children and the friends all bring something that helps me in my own recovery.

Instead of letting our differences set us apart, embracing our diversity helps us grow.

That said, there is nothing wrong with any thread addressing a specific issue, we can choose to join in or we can choose to find another thread that we feel more connected to.

We have many forums at SR, some post in many of them. They may post here and also in Women In Recover or Christians in Recovery...there is nothing wrong with any of that. But we need to be careful that we are not so `recovery specific`that we become divided.

I think the idea (and request) is valid, but the practicality of doing that just isn`t feasible right now.

No matter how we do it, I know that together we can do what we cannot do alone and I am one grateful codie for all the diversity we have right here.

Hugs

tam

as a wife, I too learned alot from this forum. I respect each and everyone situation. I am not a parent but to me addiction is addiction,we all feel pain. at the meetings I attend I see suffering from everyone and there are some who are parents, or wife, or husband, sister,brother etc. and I respect all of their input and we all have equal sharing of our stories. I have never once listened to a parent and not see a similarity or not relate to them in some sort of way. I do however, personally talk to other wifes afterwards or outside of meetings as Im sure parents meet up with other parents. which is fantastic as thats what it is all about support!
I might not respond to some posts as Im not a parent, but I do read each one and allow other parents to respond and visa versa for me and will continue coming to this forum for support.
Im fine with sharing and hope everyone can agree on this as I would miss hearing from any family member who is dealing with addiction.

chicory

I have been part of this forum for a month or more. My problem , the one which brought me here, is a son who has an addictive personality. An alcoholic, most likely. While I learn a lot from most all "rooms" here, my greatest need is help to deal with the heart chilling fear that grips me at times. I have been in love before, and fear of something happening to my spouse was intense, but never has it been like the cold hand on my heart, when something threatens one of my childrens lives. It has been sad, to go through divorce, but eventually you can go through a day without being devastated. To lose a child, to addiction, would never get easier. I think that is where the difference lies. We are absolutely driven, desperate to help our children. It is a primal need to protect our babies, no matter how old they are. I get a lot of strength, mostly from other mothers who know that fear. I would most likely listen to a parent who says "let go" than to a person who has never had a child. Their advice would be as appreciated , tho. But its kind of like when a person who has not had kids yet says "I'll never let my kids act like that".
One thing that all seem to understand tho, is the need for serenity. I so appreciate all the great folks here on this forum, no matter what group they are from , I am learning from many different points of view.
God help us all.
chicory

tjp613

As the mother of an addict, I understand keepinon's request and I am saddened to think there are any who think she is saying that our "pain" is greater than anyone else's. It's not the pain that is different....it's the circumstances. I don't care how you slice it, being the parent of an alcoholic/addict is just different than being a spouse. Just as being a sister is different than being a child of one. Each of these situations has different options. There's nothing wrong with asking for the support of those in a situation most similar to your own.

Sunshine2

I think being the spouse or loved on of an addict is devastating and the pain is not any less than that of a parent. The major difference of being a parent is that all of us go through a stage of intense guilt thinking that we have caused it somehow.

I feel these are circumstantial differences and not an indication of the level of pain experienced. I have been in an abusive relationship with an alcoholic and the pain of going through that was intense. Now, many years later I don't think about him and he is of no concern to me. My child, unfortunately will always be my child and I will think about him every day until I die, even if I never see him again.

I have no problem with one forum as I often get something useful from all the threads. I also like reading the addiction forum. It was an eye-opener to me to see what they are going through and how courageous they are.

NightandDay

This rung true for me. I am not a parent, but as I have mentioned before, I see the suffering of both my mother and father while they are not in recovery for my brother's addiction.

I believe all of us here have so much to offer each other. Even though I am not a parent, I see my parents' behavior and it really helps me to read the ESH in the parents' threads. Some day I may be a parent as well, and who knows what challenges will be brought into my path? They could very well include addiction. . . or not. Either way, I think that what I learn here from parents, spouses, boyfriends, girlfriends, daughters, and sons will guide me in my life. . and I think that is true for everyone else here too.

Maybe this is a question for another thread, but I will pose it here. In regards to parents feeling the extreme guilt that perhaps they caused their children's problems. . . in my family, I would never say my parents caused my brother's addiction, but they certainly acted in very confusing ways and taught us some, shall I say, strange behaviors and fears. My parents are my qualifiers in Al-Anon as well as RABF.

Do parents here ever talk about making amends for any emotional/physical abuse to their addicted and/or recovering children? I am interested in this and what it was like. Or if anyone can direct me to a good thread with this, I would be appreciative.

chicory

i must say that I do not feel intense guilt , and do not think I caused my sons problems. I do however , have intense grief for his lost dreams and hopes. I wish I had gotten him help sooner. I being form a disfunctional family did not see the red flags soon enough. we lived with dysfunction daily, and it is hard to live with healthy boundaries, when you dont know what they are.
I lost a mother and father to alcoholism, and while it was sad and i have grief over it, it is not the same . i have not lost my son to his problems, yet, tho i feel the loss more intensely than for my parents. the love is just different, I guess, for me.
that is not to say that I do not wonder what I may have done to form my son into the man he is. I think that is being honest with myself.
To me, the fact that a lot of us parents wish to talk with each other says that there is a need for it. I do not think it would cause a division. I still need and appreciate the insight from all here. perhaps giving my opinion here is not necessary, but i wanted to support the others who feel the same as I do.

cece1960

When I think of the differences between being a parent of an addict, and a spouse of an addict, its like asking would I prefer lethal injection or the electric chair.

I learn so much by reading everyone's posts. I think at times to divide would lose a very big advantage of this forum, and thats to learn from "outside" of the bubble that we often place ourselves in. When I hear the pain in a post of a brother or sister of an addict, I realize that my other children suffer also. When I hear the pain in the heart of a spouse or SO, I learn that my feelings are not unique as a mother, and that others experience thier own, often similar pain. I hope that when the SO reads a parents post, they can develop a little more insight as to what the parents are experiencing.

In other words, if I would stay in simply a parents frame of mind, it would be way too comfortable to rationalize and stay in the trap of thinking that my problem is different and therefore unique.

The more I read the more I learn, from all who post here. To seperate the groups would simply have me searching more

Chino

I've mentioned it once or twice. I had to make amends with my RAD more than a few times. I made amends to my daughter again yesterday during a 300 mile drive. It was trivial in the grand scheme of things and didn't really seem to matter to her, but it was necessary for me to keep myself honest.

I can't remember if it's outtolunch or hello-kitty, but she always points out that codie behaviors are all about ego and it's true. It doesn't matter to me that in the past I didn't have the same realization I have now, I did contribute to my RAD's emotional pain because of my ego and it had to be addressed.