TexasNative

It really pains me to say it, but I did. I put myself in a situation that I never should have, was in the company of some people I used to drink around and I was HALT-ed big time before I even got there, was in a major foul mood for no specific reason and had some serious insomnia Saturday night. They weren't drinking and I didn't either while I was there, but on the way home I lost my cool and bought a six pack. I can't really explain why, was such a stupid idea...it's like I knew better to the point of laughing at myself but went through with it anyway. I drank three and poured the rest out, the fuzzy buzzy unfocused feeling was unwelcome to say the least. I hated it, I felt incredibly stupid, I wish it didn't happen and it was big a mistake. I'm going to chalk it up as a bad day and learn from it, six weeks of sobriety was some hard work and I can't let one day take that away from me. I feel really bad to post this, especially to my fellow newcomers, but I wanted to get it off my chest. I can say this, to those of you like myself in early sobriety that feel uncertain about a situation that seems "slippery" just avoid it at all costs. The slip can happen so fast and the mental anguish that follows is terrible. If you told me a week ago this was going to happen I would have never ever believed you. Thanks for listening.

CJ1

I've been in your shoes many times. Just earlier this year I went 3 months sober, and was certain that I would never drink again. Then WAM! I decide out of the blue to buy 2 bottles of wine. Next thing I know, I was drunk nearly every day till 4 days ago. You trully have to respect the power of this disease, or it will run you over when you least expect it. Anyways, everyone used to say to me, "don't beat yourself up over it" but I know very well how hard that is not to do. But definitely learn what you can from the experience.

firestorm090

Hi Tex,

Seems sometimes our minds are the slipperiest slope of all, we just get on a path of rebelling against our own good and satisfying the urge to try to be like we think others are, those who can drink with no ill results. We just want to be normal drinkers, so we drink in spite of all the knowledge we've gained about our condition. It boggles the mind.

Your choice to drink yesterday may strengthen your resolve to plug the jug, so just use it as an sobering experience. Way to go on posting about it, it helps to keep the lines of communication open.

trixieisme

"Remember that we deal with alcohol - cunning, baffeling, powerful."

I have felt so helpless and so not in control of my life for so long. But, I have finally realized that there can only be one other source more powerful over me than myself, and that is my higher power. May you find your higher power and allow him/her/it to help you gain control of your life.

Keep coming back! We are all here to support you!

Harry01854

No using it as an excuse, but that is what alcoholics know best, how to drink for any reason what so ever.

Tex you can only beat yourself up so much. You were honest about what happened not only to us, but most importantly, you got honest with yourself.

So you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and maybe ask yourself, what could I have done for it not to happen.

Welcome back and thank you for your honesty.

Harry

huntwc

Hi Texas...I know you feel badly today but try not to dwell on it. You made it for 6 weeks so you know you can do it again. Be glad that you did not enjoy the beers...sounds like that knowledge can be used to as a deterrent for your next urge.

I have to admit to thinking about trying a glass of wine again "just to see" what it will taste like and how it will feel.

Also, kudos for posting about it..that took courage to out yourself!!!!!!!!

Anna

Texas, that happened to me once too. I thought I could get through a social evening and I felt more and more miserable as the night went on. I didn't drink, but the next day I went out and bought wine. Sigh. So, like you, I learned and moved on.

Hang in there!

scared1

Texas, I feel your pain today. I myself am ashamed but I am at work this moring hung-over again. It feels horrible and embaressing that I could fall off the wagon so soon. I was trying to make it at least 2 weeks but I couldn't. I feel like a loser. I don't know why alcohol has such a stronghold on me. Why can't I leave it? Why is it so hard? Lord knows I do want to quit, but I guess I am just weak. It is really hard to find that out, to realize just how weak I am and not in control. This really sucks. I hate myself for being an alcoholic. It is sad.

GettingStronger2

Tex, I have to say that I am really grateful you posted. As Harry said, you were honest about it, and more importantly, you realized it was not the right thing for you.

I read a book by a doc who works with addicts. In it, he told a "story" relating to slips. . .he was walking 6 blocks to the post office on a winter's day, and after he went about 2 blocks, he slipped on the ice. Now the slip slowed him down a little bit, and it made him more careful for the rest of the trip, but it did not send him backwards 2 blocks to have to start all over again.

So you drank a few beers yesterday? The good things are that you realized it wasn't for you, and you didn't go all out in a relapse. So you dust off the dirt and start another day.

You are awesome.

Fandy

today is 6 months for me that I joined here at SR...but in these last 6 months, I've had a few times (4-5) where i have had the occasional glass of wine...then there was a weekend where I had a backslide and frightened myself.

but overall i am more sober these last 6 months than I have been in the last 25 years. i don't dwell on it, but I know I prefer myself sober and I value my physical/mental health which is very much improved.

you didn't like how you felt and you stopped yourself. I think that act is an accomplishment.

LaFemme

I LOVE this...can you remember who wrote the book?

Texas, there is a mind game I play sometimes if alcohol starts to sound appealing to me. I think about the three types of booze: beer, wine and liquor. Then I think of what the three remind me of: ****, vinegar and liniment. You might have our own analogy but by equating them to each other it goes a long way to getting rid of any appeal:-)

Sorry for being graphic, but beer reminds me of going to the basement of Alpha Delta at Dartmouth (the movie Animal House was based on AD). The basement was where they kept the kegs, around the edge of the room was a trough for spillage, and a lot of the guys also relieved themselves there, lovely I know. The beer pong table was set up in the basement and sometimes the balls would roll into the trough. This memory goes a llooooonnnnnnnggg way to keeping me from wanting a beer:-)

GettingStronger2

Yes, LaFemme, I can! (I can rmember a lot more these days! LOL!)

It was by Dr. Abraham Twerski in a book called "Addictive Thinking." Glad you liked it. I know I did when I read it. Even though I have not slipped yet, it helped me a ton.

CJ1

Thanks LaFemme. That visual imagery is going to go a long ways in keeping me away from beer. I can picture that scene from Jon Belushi in Animal House, drunk and urinating on the new inductees, as well.

I just need you to come up with some useful imagery for wine, and rye as well.

LaFemme

Well nothing is quite as good as the Animal House analogy, but for the vino, I just remember that vinegar is made out of wine, and if I take a strong whiff of vinegar, and then a strong whiff of wine I can smell the same notes.

As for rye, I grew up with horses and to me all hard alcohol smells like the liniment we used on their legs after a hard work out. While the memory is actually a pleasant one, I would never in a million years want to drink something I put on my horses legs, especially since it stung if you had an open cut...ouch!!!

Opivotal

Thanks Tex for the post. We're human, we all make mistakes. That's how we learn. Maybe think of this as your time. I commend you on pouring out the rest of the beer and not going on a bender. So you did learn from your sober time.

This could have happened to any of us in early sobriety. As long as you learn from this I say no harm, no foul. Maybe have someone in mind to call or visit when the urge comes over you. Leave the guilt behind, it serves no purpose. Today's a new day!

Best Wishes To You

hotshot

relapse .Unfortunately is part of bein an alcholic. Once ya have some sobriety and fall it seems the guilt of falling will keep ya drinkin. I have been in that boat before. Not wanting tio go to meetings cause I felt guilty and not wanting to share cause I did not feel worthy.......One Day at a Time

NEOMARXIST

Hey man. Thanks for posting. Your honesty should serve you well in your sobriety. It just goes to show that alcohol ain't the solution, not worth all of the mental anguish that comes with it.

Alcoholism is relentless. Make sure you don't put your self in vulnerable situations, particularly so early on in sobriety. Next time try and phone somebody or tell on yourself on SR before you pick up!

Peace

recycle

TN, what you did Saturday is not nearly as important as what you will do today. If fuzzy buzzy and unfocused is not where you want to be, then you learned something. I wish I could threaten you with a trip to the woodshed, but that would not do any good. You did not disappoint anyone but yourself. Make yourself proud today.

Petewill

TexasNative--- dust yourself, try to work at it again, and don't beat yourself up too bad. the guilt has tormented me in the past.

Dee74

Many of us had stumbles TN - it's good you're right back with us
Learn your lessons, then move on...and get back to living well, mate

D