Corkycourt

I rarely post on message boards because the public nature tends to make me nervous. But I've read this board on and off for about a year and have found just reading really helpful. So, I've decided it's time to actually post.

About a year ago, my fiance's drug use reached a head and led me to contact his parents. We convinced him to go to detox and then an outpatient rehab. I probably should have seen his problem earlier, but I'm only a few years out of undergrad and knew a lot of people who used drugs and didn't seem to have any really adverse effects. Regardless, he did the rehab and has been doing really well since then. His drug of choice seems to have been Xanax and less frequently oxycotin. I really haven't noticed his old behaviors coming back, but I was snooping through his text messages last night (maybe that's wrong, but I don't feel guilty--I simply don't trust him, with good reason I think) and I found a series of messages about getting oxycotin, using the code name he and his friends use for it. I do not know whether they succeeded or not in getting any.

I'm not totally positive what to do with this. I think Ive decided to do the ultimatum thing--me or the drugs and the friend the text messages were with. Is this a bad idea? I've told him how hard the last go round was for me and that Im not up for going through it again. I'm not sure whether I could actually follow through if he doesn't choose me. And I think he may very well do this at least at first, because he gets so defensive and accuses me of not trusting him (even though he's given me ample reason not to). Frankly, though, Im surprised at how calm I am about this. I don't know exactly what I'm asking here, maybe just if an ultimatum at this stage, when I haven't noticed anything yet and only have text messages to go on, is a good idea, especially if I don't know that I can follow through.

Anyway, thanks and I hope I didn't mess up posting etiquette or something.

liesagain

I'm not sure whether I could actually follow through if he doesn't choose me.

They have a saying in AA/NA say what you mean and mean what you say but dont say it mean

That being said, if you dont know if you are going to stick to what you say then Now isnt the right time to say it
Your words dont mean much to him if he finds that you wont stick to what you say.
So maybe at this point its better for you to think it over for a little while first

As far as "only having the text messages" sometimes all we have is that gut feeling but I believe that when I "know" somethings not right with my husband 99.9% of the time I am right

Text messages trying to get drugs -tells me that hes no longer active in recovery and if he hasnt used yet he is well on his way

be careful, dont leave money of things of value around, stick around here and try to read the sticky notes on the board

others will be along soon for additional support

NightandDay

I 100% agree with this. Whenever I have that gut instinct that something is wrong, I am learning that I don't have to "prove" it. I'm smart and aware and I know what is proper behavior from my bf and what is not.

My boyfriend got out of rehab for pills (xanax and pain meds, incl oxy) only a month ago. Before he went in, my entire life was devoted to reading his texts, going through his calls, emails, drawers, everything, just to prove I was right about all the specifics of his drug use. After he got out of rehab, he was great for a week, and then the shady behavior began again. . . so I called one of his friends and had it all confirmed for me. I confronted my bF and we got in a huge fight, as usual. . just like the fights you describe. I get accused of not trusting him, not supporting him, etc, etc even though of course, they give us SO MANY reasons not to. Fighting with our addicts is really crazy on our part, it just plays into the cycle which allows them to continue avoid responsibility for their problem and their actions. The only thing that has worked for me with my bf is figuring out what boundaries I can set and actually adhere to. Not out of malice, but out of respect for myself. If you read my posts, you'll see I've had some trouble with this from time to time and you'll see sometimes people urging me to go no contact with my boyfriend, asking me why do I even care if he's such a jerk, etc.

The black and white approach is a bit too stringent for me, and I have realized that. I am working slowly and honestly toward figuring out what I want and what behavior is acceptable to me or not. It sounds like a black and white approach might be too much for you too right now if you admit that you can't follow through unless you get the result you want, which is for him to choose you.

Coming here to SR and going to Al-Anon meetings has helped me gain different perspective and new tools that I have found invaluable. Keep coming back here and posting! We are here for you.

Be kind to yourself and don't move too fast to "fix" the situation with your fiance.
:ghug3

Corkycourt

I think you're right about not saying it if I don't mean it. I guess, I just wanted to have something to get across my seriousness about this to him. I love him very much, but Im an economics grad student, so looking at emotionally charged issues from an economics standpoint tends to calm me down. It's a bit cold, but it helps me. I've been telling myself that the time and money and effort I've put into him are essentially a sunk cost (basically a cost that cannot be recouped). Decisions about the future should be made, according to economic theory, by looking at the best move without taking sunk costs into account. It basically discards the "I've done this much already, I might as well keep going" thought process. I really, really want him to be my best move and I guess I was hoping a threat like that would let him know that I'm seriously weighing my options. Or at least telling myself I am...I'm really not sure which one it is.

I definitely agree about the gut feeling thing. Oh the number of times he guilted me into shutting up when I knew things weren't right with the "you have no faith in me" routine. My favorite was the time he forgot where we were going three times during a five minute car ride and still managed to guilt me into apologizing. Frankly, it would have been funny in a pathetic way if it hadn't actually happened to me.

I legitimately haven't seen those behaviors yet, but the memory of last year is enough to put me seriously on guard.

cmc

Welcome to SR. I'm glad you decided to join up and become a part of the group.

KariSue

I am a really laid back non confrontational person but if my AS has the unmitigated gall to suggest I don't have faith in him THAT is when I would get angry. I don't yell but he knows I'm angry. I might say something like "Just wait one minute here buddy. You have the gall to tell me I don't have faith in you? Who would? You lie to me, steal from me, etc. I would name a specific thing or two he did and then say "Well when you do these things what do you expect will happen?" Then pause here.....for effect. They usually are at a loss for words or if you are on the phone they don't say anything for a moment. Which is when I start again, "Would YOU have faith in someone who did what you did?" Lose the attitude and don't you dare even suggest I don't have faith in you after all I've done for you."

I won't put up with that guilt/trying to make me feel responsible garbage. Typically after something like this my son will either hang up or walk out. Then, he'll call or come back and we'll make up. At first I didn't like this because I don't like confrontation. But you know what, it works with him and I need to vent. I'm not cruel or don't name call though. I just stick to the facts.

Yesterday he actually said something like "You know mom it doesn't help when you bring up uncomfortable things like this?" (This after he spent one night in jail the previous day!!!!) I said "Well you know, when you do things like this do you expect me to just be all happy? You always want to brush over it and act like it never happened but it DID happen and I'm upset and I probably will be all day but I won't say anything about it again for the kid's (my grandkids) sake. You know son it is SUPPOSED to feel bad when you hurt your family." He just shut up. One for my team, lol. I just hate when THEY get attitude. How dare he!

Whew that felt good to get that out. Lol!

Kari

hello-kitty

Instead of making an empty threat why don't you be honest and tell him the above? Tell him you are seriously weighing your options and are reconsidering your relationship with him. That's honest. That's fair.

Empty threats are meaningless when it comes to dealing with addiction. Actually they are harmful. Since drugs aren't a deal breaker for you, you need to figure out what is. Work detaching from his problem and setting some boundaries around the kind of behavior you will accept in your life, and what you will do if someone violates that boundary.

You may also want to start thinking about ways you can protect yourself from his addiction (ie., don't let him drive you around when you suspect he's on drugs, hide your prescriptions, lock up your credit cards and check book...). Addiction is progressive ya know... if he wasn't able to score this time, I'm sure there will be a next time... where he might be more lucky.

The three Cs are very helpful when you are in a relationship with an addict:

I didn't cause his addiction.
I can't control his addiction.
I can't cure his addiction.

Have you looked into al-anon?

hopeful4

I will just say that each and every codependent has a rock bottom just like the addict. Some have reached theirs and some have not. You will know when you have because it will become that black and white. You wont have any gray areas left. You will decide you cannot put up with one more thing from this person because you will realize not only are they killing themselves slowly but you too.
I just beg of you not to have children with this man. Do not make a child suffer through this sort of addiction. It is a horrible life for them and the hardest thing you will ever go through. Children cannot choose if they have had it or not. If this is their parent it is their parent forever. You have options, they don't.
In my life children was the last thing on my mind when I first met my husband. Now that we have children together I wish I would have looked at his issues from this perspective before I married him. I do love him and thankfully he is clean now. That does not mean he will be forever. If not, I will leave and take my children with me, but he will still be their father. See where I am going with this??

Good luck and God Bless. May you find the strength to do what is right for YOU and YOUR future.

Corkycourt

Thanks for all the advice! I will definitely make arrangements to protect myself. We do live together so its a bit more difficult, but I did move some stuff to my office at school this afternoon.

The guilt trips and the detox and rehab were over a year ago now. I was in a much different place. I wasn't in school and I hated my job and was in a city where I didn't know many people. He was basically all I had going on in my life and it was really hard and I let myself get pushed around a lot. I think I'm in a better place now to deal with things, if things go south again. I'm in school, in a program I love, working on some fascinating research. I feel happier about myself now. I guess I have something else that is important to me other than him. I don't think I'd put up with a lot of the stuff I did a year ago.

I hadn't actually considered al-anon yet. I didn't do it last time, mostly because I was too depressed to want to do much of anything. That may be something I need to make time for.

Anyway, thanks for all the help. It's really nice to have feedback from outside parties.