nlogax

Hello, all! Long time lurker, first time poster. I need some help figuring this one out...

Back story: I've been an alcoholic for about 8 years (or have I?). I discovered the joy of drinking alone when i was fifteen, but didn't really get going until i was 20. It took a few years for me to admit that I had a problem, and since then I have been fairly open about it people around me. So that's the acceptance stage done, right?

But now I've started doubting it again. On the one hand, I've never been drinking with this much dedication -- given a full day I can now proudly imbibe a liter of whiskey without slurring noticeably (and I've always been something of a lightweight). I drink openly on most nights, and secretly in the mornings and around lunch. I drank when my mother was dying, and drank even more on the day she died. Then I got a bit messed up for about a year and started picking fights when drunk.

On the other hand, I read stories of people who are far worse off than me, and suspect myself of just overdramatizing my own situation. My girlfriend wants me to "cut down", but not stop completely. This somehow makes me drink even more, as if trying to self-destruct before her eyes in order to prove a point. Needless to say, this is stupid and immature behaviour. It also makes me wonder if I'm addicted to my own addiction, so to speak. And it makes me think that perhaps I should just grow the hell up...

Any thoughts? Sorry for the long post and the fuzzy question. This is still all new to me...

LaFemme

Hej nlogax!

Well, they always say that only you can say if you are an alcoholic or not, which I've never really bought into, but if you were asking me, i'd say you had a problem. Just because there are people worse than you doesn't mean you aren't one.

From my experience when a loved one says to cut back instead of giving up completely, that is because they are in denial or ignorant of the disease.

Yes, admitting you have a problem is the first step, now you need to decide what to do about it.

Good luck and I hope you stick around:-)

xuse

in my opinion if you secretly drink and drink that much without slurring if you dont have a problem your on your way im newly sober and i no i have a problem but you have to decide that on your own this place is here 24/7 and people here understand

Kitey

Welcome to SR

As you can see in my Joining date back in 2005 my intention back then was to give the Booze up but then I thought to myself that I wasn't that bad and carried on drinking until last month. I steadily got worse and drank nearly every day and couldn't function to do normal things, I wasted a lot of time staying at home just to drink, drink and drink...

I have finally realised that I had a Big Problem and stopped completely, I am in early stages of Recovery and tend to keep off it.. I am so much happier now that I am living my life properly.

Good Luck with what you decide x

nlogax

Thanks for your replies -- it seems like a no-brainer, really. I recognize all of the symptoms. I plan my life so that I will always have access to the shame solvent. I constantly try and fail to quit. People around me comment on my drinking (sometimes with concern, sometimes with awe). I steal other people's booze. I go nuts and start behaving weirdly if people around me are drinking and I'm not. (Tried sinking shots of tabasco once, hoping that I would at least get the familiar whiskey heartburn.)

I also know the ingenuity and rhetorical power of my internal excusemaker. Perhaps this is just another one of his schemes. Or perhaps not... I'm confused.

I'm 28 years old now, and was 24 the first time i visited an addiction clinic (still haven't finished that can of Antabuse). While sitting in the waiting room, I got ran into by an older alcoholic whom i knew slightly. He literally told me to go home, that i was too young to have a serious problem (the implication being that I went there for some other reason). I am mortally afraid of being an "attention *****". This is what I am afraid of.

xuse

i dont think the disease has an age requirment but if you take other peoples booze so you dont run out

inbloom

I compared my drinking to others for years and thought I was normal because I didn't drink the same volume. 3-5 glasses of wine, every other night, always seemed moderate to me. But it wasn't. Alcohol was controlling me regardless of the amount. My health and emotional well being started degenerating. I'm an alcoholic. I'm only on day 9 and still feel that old pull to wanting to be "normal". It's something I'll need to work on. I let other people's opinions of my drinking drive my denial. I had a toolbox of excuses to keep drinking. In the end, I knew the truth and am now working to accept it.

I wish I had your awareness at 24. Alcoholism is a life threatening condition. Seeking attention is just another way of asking for help. Good luck.

LaFemme

I have a real problem with the concept that you have to hit "rock bottom" before you can get better...maybe that was the case 80 years ago but we know a lot more about the disease now then we did then. Its easier to quit if you do it before you are at the end.

You might not be "rock bottom" which is the only thing I can think that older gentleman meant by saying you were too "young" to have a problem. Do you think lindsay lohan is too young to be in treatment?

Trying to live a healthy life and reaching out for help is not "attention seeking" it is smart.

Mark75

Rock bottom is different for everyone... I believe it is when one has come to a place of complete willingness and acceptance. You may still have a house, car, job, whatever, but you may be in a state of total defeat and then willingness will come.

CarolD

Welcome to the posting side of SR...

Please don't use that left over Antabuse.
It's out of date...flush it

You got bad information from that old alcoholic
soooo
I suggest you get back to the addiction clinic and
check with them as to how best to move forward.


All my best

Dee74

I agree with Carol - dump the out of date antabuse, and don't listen to the bad advice you got.

I spent years thinking I wasn't that bad because I ran with a fairly heavy drinking crowd and was the most moderate drinker...it didn't occur to me that was so because I always passed out early.....it also didn't take in account the fact I'd wake up go home and drink on for days.

Alcoholism is not comparative IMO....if you feel you have a problem, then the chances are you have, and you need to do something about it.

This is a good place to start

Welcome
D

Harry01854

Hmmm, I believe you just told part of my own story. Yes, I am an alcoholic.

NewMe11109

Hi NLOGAX -

Glad you are here. Please don't take my comments as too blunt or harsh. All of us here at SR care about you and just want you to live a good life. But what you are describing only goes in one direction...

Yes, this is the disease of alcoholism. Always telling you that "I'm not so bad. Look! He/She is worse than me, therefore, I'm not an alcoholic!" Normies (non-alcoholics) do not have to justify why they aren't alcoholics. The question doesn't enter their minds.

When I got to about half a bottle, I had to ask myself honestly: "Do other people do this? Is this how everyone else lives? Is this working for me?"

Here is where looking at the situation honestly is really important. We can't tell you what you are or are not, but most people don't drink like this.

These are just excuses -- but ones that we all know very well. I used those same excuses many many times. I even was able to convince many people in my life that I wasn't that bad. But in the end, I was not being truthful with myself.


You are on the right track ... asking questions and reaching out.

Just know that for many people, as they approach the ability to drink a litre of hard liquor multiple times per week, they are doing permanent damage to themselves and usually others.

For me, I need to actively work a program of recovery - which for me is AA + SR + helping other alcoholics.

Take care. Keep posting.

julez

All I can say here is~
1. I agree with all the above posts.
&
2. Go back and reread your post. Think of 5 people you know who drink the same way you do. Can you think of any? When I asked myself if anyone I knew drank the same way I did, the answer was no. That, and reading the similarities I have with many folks here was enough for me to say with confidence, yes I have a problem, and I need help.

zbear23

Well, you've describe classic alcoholic behaviors in your post, and claim to have accepted that you are an alcoholic. But I think you remain unaware of the nature of what you're up against.

IN the first Step of AA we "admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives were unmanageable." In the second Step we came to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

Alcoholism is, indeed, a form of insanity. Being alcohol dependent is simply a description of using the substance to manage or numb our feelings....to "feel good" or "better." We have turned ourselves over to a poisonous substance, and the nature of alcoholism is that it is not simply an addiction. We don't call it "alcohol addiction" for a reason. According to AA, it is "an allergy of the body and an obsession of the mind." As an alcoholic, I process alcohol maladaptively (the allergy)...which means that instead of satisfying my desire, every drink calls for another...and another....and another. Once I start, I lose control. It is a biochemical situation, not simply a preference. The obsession (insanity) is that "this time" I can driink in safety, or have just one. the insanity is continuing to drink in the knowledge that the alcoholic progression (which defines the "disease") is that it always gets worse, never better without treatment, and the logical conclusion nearly always is jails, institutions or death. My insane thinking always told me that I could stop TOMORROW. Over and over again. the reality was that the only time I could stop drinking was right now.

The naked truth is that drinking was my solution. I didn't have a drinking problem....I had a thinking problem.

I've known lots of alkies who inhabited barrooms where everybody knew their name and where being an alcoholic was a matter of pride rather than concern. That "internal excusemaker" is your ego, which is the guardian of your shame, guilt, fear, doubt and insecurity. It will always try to trick you into harming yourself. It lies. It is sneaky. And it is Powerful.

Today in my recovery, I've learned that I have only two choices: follow the teaching of ego, or follow the teaching of spirit. One is fear, and the other is love. One is misery and the other is joy.

It sounds to me like you've "accepted" being an alcoholic, but that doesn't alarm you enough to walk through the the pain, misery, confusion and fear that results from stopping. Without alcohol, how can I deal with my feelings? It was hard. And it required lots of outside support from AA, and the determination to become fully engaged in the 12 step recovery process. It is not the silver bullet of drugs or alcohol. But today, my serenity and peace of mind is long lasting, not temporary or transitory. I am, as we say, "happy, joyous and free."

As for hitting a "bottom." I translate that into whatever consequences cause you to become desperate enough to change. For some it may be the loss of everything, for others...simply a loss of self respect, or a relationship, etc. The "gift" of desperation is what motivated me into sobriety.

An important suggestion: based on the quantities you consumed, you would be foolish to stop drinking without consulting a physician. It's very likely that you'll need medical detox. Doing it on your own could prove fatal.

blessings
zenbear

nlogax

Thank you for a long and well-written post. You're spot on, I think, although I do know quite a lot about what I'm up to. I was sober for 6 months once, 4 years ago. Started drinking again by "accident". I don't think I've ever experienced the same level of freedom, mixed with fear, as I did during those six months.

Three days sober now -- I didn't consult a physician because I was fairly certain nothing bad would happen. I've had two, three, four-day breaks at least once a month. Then, as the feeling of death fades away from my chest and the acid rain in the back of my throat stops, the "voice" (what you call the "ego") starts sounding reasonable again. Right now it's trying an old trick; it's telling me that I should pick up a bottle of wine not to drink it, but just to be near it, to feel a little bit safer. To keep it in my backpack, next to the iPad and the books and the cigarettes that I never smoke. No, not for drinking... Unless, of course, there is an emergency.

I guess you're right, I'm not scared enough. But I don't look forward to finding out what it feels like to be more scared than I already am.

Harry01854

(Not for drinking... Unless there is an emergency). Hope that emergency isn't to put a fire out. Alcohol and fire doesn't mix. But, the game your playing with yourself to be truthful....your playing with fire.

If they tell you your dying, do you think that may scare you enough?

My alcoholic thinking was exactly like that.

Harry

JosetteCollins

I rarely drank hard liquor, so I may be mistaken, but isn't most whisky 80-100 proof? And you can drink a litre of it a day? That's about 34 ounces or 7 wine glasses full, which is a lot of alcohol considering the proof. From what I've read in other threads here and on the alcoholism board, I think you fit right in with the rest of folks here with regard to the amount you drank. Also, normal social drinkers don't drink in the morning or have to sneak drinks at noon. I'm not one for labels, but even if you're not an alcoholic, a litre of hard liquor a day isn't normal drinking.

Jeb18

I feel the same way you do nlogax. I am 19 years old, and I think I have a problem but than I have doubts. It's really frustrating been newly sober and so young. Nobody seems to understand. I think someday's the people I hang out with think I am just trying to get attention or want them to feel sorry for me. When that is the opposite.

BoutDamnTime

Buried my wife's in uncle in Texas a few months ago. He was a long time beer-drinker, and probably an alcoholic, but remained fairly physically healthy, but when the economy went down in late 07 his business came apart and he started on the whiskey. According to his wife, it was about a liter a day.

Took just 2 and a half years to blow his liver apart. He's a big factor in my decision to quit.

nlogax, you are way too young for a box in the ground. Do something. Now. I've seen younger guys like you do this. It doesn't take long.