More family garbage (LONG VENT!)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
More family garbage (LONG VENT!)
Ugh. That's a good place to start. Just "ugh".
My brother called tonight about a family birthday coming up and would like to host it as we haven't been in his home in over a year. Perfect! I am "off the hook" and part of me feels it's about time he got back into the game (so to speak).
As I am going back to Al-Anon meetings now (been in and out a couple of times over the past 5 years) and we live 15 minutes away from each other I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to drop in on his meeting as I look for a group I am comfortable in. He started going 6 months ago.
I started out by saying that I didn't want to get too personal with him (we really don't talk although a couple of months ago he told me that since he joined in January he has resolved all his anger issues - LOL) but I was going back into the program and just wanted to make sure I didn't step on his toes and show up at his meeting.
He started talking to me like I was 10 years old. "You really need a newcomer's package", to which I replied that I had the info I needed and was just planning my meetings for next week. "No, you really need to go to a meeting that has a newcomer's table so you can sit with people like you and get a feel for it". I replied that I guess we hadn't been talking a lot when I went before but that I was cool with the program and really just wanted to make sure I didn't step on his toes and show up at his meeting.
He told me it "wouldn't be cool" if I went to his meeting, which I said was my whole point, and that I would make sure I didn't go to his meetings if I knew how to avoid them. He then said "you need to phone the general number for Al-Anon and tell them that you need a diverse group with enough people that they have a newcomer's table for you to sit at for six meetings - you know you need to go to six, right?"
Can you see where this is going?
I remained as calm as possible (a major challenge!) and told him that I am glad he is enthusiastic about his program and that I have a good general knowledge of Al-Anon from attending meetings in the past, and that I am more concerned with finding a group where I feel I can grow than I am about sitting at the proper table when I get there.
He ignored that line of dialogue and said "What books do you have? Do you have the right books?" I told him I had several Al-Anon books and then he said that I needed to make sure I had The Big Book. I told him I have The Big Book around here somewhere and that I had the books covered. He then said again that he didn't want me going to his meeting.
God grant me the strength... not to strangle him the next time I see him...
I took a very deep breath and told him that I really just wanted to talk to him as my brother and that the only reason I brought it up was to make sure that I didn't step on his toes. He told me I should go to work on my anger issues and that it had resolved all of his issues over anger and control and that he used to be hard on people in his life and he is glad he is no longer controlling.
Um, WHAT did you say?
At this point I am REALLY getting irritated, but in my calmest voice I say...
"It's not my job to take your inventory, but (oh WHY don't I learn to shut up) maybe if you focussed more on your program than mine you wouldn't feel the need to talk to me like I am three years old. I don't need you to be condescending to me, and I don't need you to tell me what books you think I need or where to sit at a meeting. And I certainly don't need you to spit out one liners you read in your favorite book. I need you to be my brother and acknowledge that we both come from the same place of pain and I need you to have a real conversation with me once in a while."
His response was "You really need to deal with your anger. I am telling you, I have no anger at all any more thanks to working my program really really hard every day."
Ugh. The man can push my buttons. And then it gets worse!
"You know, you really are threatened by program talk. You won't be threatened by it once you get into it."
"I am not offended by program talk, I am offended that you treat me like I am a child and feel the need to tell me how much value I will find in a program I have found value in before when I have needed it. I am going back to the program because I KNOW it works."
"Well, you ARE offended by program talk, and I can talk program talk to Dad and {step-mom} and I talk to them ALL the time like this."
(There are some severe issues in our family concerning parental relationships - can you tell?)
"I am not offended by program talk. Honestly. I have no problem having conversations with other people about the program. I am only offended that you are being condescending when I am only trying to avoid crashing your meeting."
Well if you found a meeting with a newcomer's table..."
CLICK!!! :redfinger
I couldn't cope anymore. I was going to scream or yell or use my sailor mouth. Hanging up was the only option I felt I had.
So he calls back and talks to my HUSBAND for almost half an hour about how he only ever tried to help me and I am the angriest person he has ever met and vented to my husband about my "character defects". My husband is trying to tell him he isn't comfortable with the conversation and my brother just keeps venting on him. No anger??? Finally my brother says that the birthday dinner (family get together for my husband no less) will have to be postponed. Niiiiiiiice.
All I wanted to do was call him back and ask him how his program was working for him *evil grin* and express surprise at his lapse from total recovery.
Am I crazy?
Ugh, if you made it this far, you are just sick as me.
But I need to vent. Thank you!
My brother called tonight about a family birthday coming up and would like to host it as we haven't been in his home in over a year. Perfect! I am "off the hook" and part of me feels it's about time he got back into the game (so to speak).
As I am going back to Al-Anon meetings now (been in and out a couple of times over the past 5 years) and we live 15 minutes away from each other I wanted to make sure I wasn't going to drop in on his meeting as I look for a group I am comfortable in. He started going 6 months ago.
I started out by saying that I didn't want to get too personal with him (we really don't talk although a couple of months ago he told me that since he joined in January he has resolved all his anger issues - LOL) but I was going back into the program and just wanted to make sure I didn't step on his toes and show up at his meeting.
He started talking to me like I was 10 years old. "You really need a newcomer's package", to which I replied that I had the info I needed and was just planning my meetings for next week. "No, you really need to go to a meeting that has a newcomer's table so you can sit with people like you and get a feel for it". I replied that I guess we hadn't been talking a lot when I went before but that I was cool with the program and really just wanted to make sure I didn't step on his toes and show up at his meeting.
He told me it "wouldn't be cool" if I went to his meeting, which I said was my whole point, and that I would make sure I didn't go to his meetings if I knew how to avoid them. He then said "you need to phone the general number for Al-Anon and tell them that you need a diverse group with enough people that they have a newcomer's table for you to sit at for six meetings - you know you need to go to six, right?"
Can you see where this is going?
I remained as calm as possible (a major challenge!) and told him that I am glad he is enthusiastic about his program and that I have a good general knowledge of Al-Anon from attending meetings in the past, and that I am more concerned with finding a group where I feel I can grow than I am about sitting at the proper table when I get there.
He ignored that line of dialogue and said "What books do you have? Do you have the right books?" I told him I had several Al-Anon books and then he said that I needed to make sure I had The Big Book. I told him I have The Big Book around here somewhere and that I had the books covered. He then said again that he didn't want me going to his meeting.
God grant me the strength... not to strangle him the next time I see him...
I took a very deep breath and told him that I really just wanted to talk to him as my brother and that the only reason I brought it up was to make sure that I didn't step on his toes. He told me I should go to work on my anger issues and that it had resolved all of his issues over anger and control and that he used to be hard on people in his life and he is glad he is no longer controlling.
Um, WHAT did you say?
At this point I am REALLY getting irritated, but in my calmest voice I say...
"It's not my job to take your inventory, but (oh WHY don't I learn to shut up) maybe if you focussed more on your program than mine you wouldn't feel the need to talk to me like I am three years old. I don't need you to be condescending to me, and I don't need you to tell me what books you think I need or where to sit at a meeting. And I certainly don't need you to spit out one liners you read in your favorite book. I need you to be my brother and acknowledge that we both come from the same place of pain and I need you to have a real conversation with me once in a while."
His response was "You really need to deal with your anger. I am telling you, I have no anger at all any more thanks to working my program really really hard every day."
Ugh. The man can push my buttons. And then it gets worse!
"You know, you really are threatened by program talk. You won't be threatened by it once you get into it."
"I am not offended by program talk, I am offended that you treat me like I am a child and feel the need to tell me how much value I will find in a program I have found value in before when I have needed it. I am going back to the program because I KNOW it works."
"Well, you ARE offended by program talk, and I can talk program talk to Dad and {step-mom} and I talk to them ALL the time like this."
(There are some severe issues in our family concerning parental relationships - can you tell?)
"I am not offended by program talk. Honestly. I have no problem having conversations with other people about the program. I am only offended that you are being condescending when I am only trying to avoid crashing your meeting."
Well if you found a meeting with a newcomer's table..."
CLICK!!! :redfinger
I couldn't cope anymore. I was going to scream or yell or use my sailor mouth. Hanging up was the only option I felt I had.
So he calls back and talks to my HUSBAND for almost half an hour about how he only ever tried to help me and I am the angriest person he has ever met and vented to my husband about my "character defects". My husband is trying to tell him he isn't comfortable with the conversation and my brother just keeps venting on him. No anger??? Finally my brother says that the birthday dinner (family get together for my husband no less) will have to be postponed. Niiiiiiiice.
All I wanted to do was call him back and ask him how his program was working for him *evil grin* and express surprise at his lapse from total recovery.
Am I crazy?
Ugh, if you made it this far, you are just sick as me.
But I need to vent. Thank you!
believer
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: walking in faith
Posts: 1,023
Sheesh, why do I have to be sick for reading your story??? 
Actually I thought it was pretty funny. It was almost like you weren't even on the phone! I'm not sure exactly WHO your brother was talking to...
I think you did fine. And I think you should figure out which meetings you want to go to and just go. If he's there, then leave, no big deal. He may not have anger issues, but there seems to be some denial in the controlling area....
Feel free to vent anytime - some of us sickos enjoy reading! :lol
Hugs,
JG
Actually I thought it was pretty funny. It was almost like you weren't even on the phone! I'm not sure exactly WHO your brother was talking to...
I think you did fine. And I think you should figure out which meetings you want to go to and just go. If he's there, then leave, no big deal. He may not have anger issues, but there seems to be some denial in the controlling area....
Feel free to vent anytime - some of us sickos enjoy reading! :lol
Hugs,
JG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
LOL JG, I should have added a smiley after saying you were just as sick as me.
You are right - I felt as though I wasn't even on the phone, and as though he needs to turn everything into a competition. I'm also very sad that it's just a hallmark of our "relationship".
I am really hurt that he can't hear anything I say and now he has told my husband that he doesn't want to host a family event to honour his birthday.
I have learned with my family that we ALWAYS have a seperate celebration together because the family get-togethers are such a wild-card. Hurting me is one thing, but my husband doesn't need to be a pawn.
Just wait until my brother tells my mother tomorrow that we can't have a family get together because I was a bitch and hung up on him. Oh, the fun is just beginning.
You are right - I felt as though I wasn't even on the phone, and as though he needs to turn everything into a competition. I'm also very sad that it's just a hallmark of our "relationship".
I am really hurt that he can't hear anything I say and now he has told my husband that he doesn't want to host a family event to honour his birthday.
I have learned with my family that we ALWAYS have a seperate celebration together because the family get-togethers are such a wild-card. Hurting me is one thing, but my husband doesn't need to be a pawn.
Just wait until my brother tells my mother tomorrow that we can't have a family get together because I was a bitch and hung up on him. Oh, the fun is just beginning.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
OMG!!
I am roaring here! You MUST see the irony!! Your brother sounds just a tad overly enthused about his new program...he recovered in 6 months and I have been at this for 10 years...what am I missing? Was I absent on graduation day??
You don't have to do one thing here...so many people will walk away from him you will need a sweater to ward off the chilly breeze!
LOL!!
JT
I am roaring here! You MUST see the irony!! Your brother sounds just a tad overly enthused about his new program...he recovered in 6 months and I have been at this for 10 years...what am I missing? Was I absent on graduation day??
You don't have to do one thing here...so many people will walk away from him you will need a sweater to ward off the chilly breeze!
LOL!!
JT
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Canada
Posts: 18
Oh, yes! The irony of it all is what is helping me keep my sanity. There are so many things I want to point out to him, but there's no point.
My step-mom has been in Al-Anon for 10 years and she and I joke about how sick we are. She's doing great but she assures me daily that feeling like you still "don't get it" sometimes is a sure-fire indicator that you are on the right track. I have been in and out of the program over the past few years although I have tried very hard to keep using whatever tools I had picked up. There's no way I am cured - maybe tomorrow will be my lucky day?
I have to tell you if I had never walked through the doors of Al-Anon before, my brother would have turned me right off of it. I am thankful that his lecturing and postulating is not my first or only exposure to the program and that I know it works.
My step-mom has been in Al-Anon for 10 years and she and I joke about how sick we are. She's doing great but she assures me daily that feeling like you still "don't get it" sometimes is a sure-fire indicator that you are on the right track. I have been in and out of the program over the past few years although I have tried very hard to keep using whatever tools I had picked up. There's no way I am cured - maybe tomorrow will be my lucky day?
I have to tell you if I had never walked through the doors of Al-Anon before, my brother would have turned me right off of it. I am thankful that his lecturing and postulating is not my first or only exposure to the program and that I know it works.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
