When The Addict Comes Home
Behind the Red Door
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
When The Addict Comes Home
What do we do?
We have discussed things that may, or may not, make a difference in ongoing recovery.
As adults with full time jobs, we rarely sit down to a dinner at the end of the day. How important is routine to a recovering addict? Dinner at the table every night, discussion, cleaning up after...
Staying busy...a friend of mine and her daughter are taking belly dancing classes together and asked if I wanted to join them. My first thought was that we're already paying for rehab, and anything else that may be associated with her recovery, and I may not be able to afford it. Then I thought that taking the classes together might be a good idea. It would keep her busy, it would be healthy and good exercise (addressing the eating disorder/self image aspect), and present an opportunity to make new friends in a different environment.
What have you done to help turn the tide with adult addicts returning home? What can we do to make a positive difference?
We have discussed things that may, or may not, make a difference in ongoing recovery.
As adults with full time jobs, we rarely sit down to a dinner at the end of the day. How important is routine to a recovering addict? Dinner at the table every night, discussion, cleaning up after...
Staying busy...a friend of mine and her daughter are taking belly dancing classes together and asked if I wanted to join them. My first thought was that we're already paying for rehab, and anything else that may be associated with her recovery, and I may not be able to afford it. Then I thought that taking the classes together might be a good idea. It would keep her busy, it would be healthy and good exercise (addressing the eating disorder/self image aspect), and present an opportunity to make new friends in a different environment.
What have you done to help turn the tide with adult addicts returning home? What can we do to make a positive difference?
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
The best thing you can do for her is allow her recovery to be her own. Finding things for her to do and rearranging your lifestyle to accommodate her is not going to keep her clean. Don't do things for her that she can do for herself. In rehab, she is learning the skills necessary to help her when she returns to life outside. Allow her to use those skills. You cannot and should not micro-manage her recovery.
It would benefit you to find and attend nar-anon or al-anon meetings. You will find support from like-minded people who know what you are dealing with because they have been there.
It would benefit you to find and attend nar-anon or al-anon meetings. You will find support from like-minded people who know what you are dealing with because they have been there.
Behind the Red Door
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by suki44883 
The best thing you can do for her is allow her recovery to be her own. Finding things for her to do and rearranging your lifestyle to accommodate her is not going to keep her clean. Don't do things for her that she can do for herself. In rehab, she is learning the skills necessary to help her when she returns to life outside. Allow her to use those skills. You cannot and should not micro-manage her recovery.
It would benefit you to find and attend nar-anon or al-anon meetings. You will find support from like-minded people who know what you are dealing with because they have been there.
It would benefit you to find and attend nar-anon or al-anon meetings. You will find support from like-minded people who know what you are dealing with because they have been there.
Behind the Red Door
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by cynical one
Have you considered not allowing her to come home? After only 28 days in rehab maybe a sober living facility would allow her time to pick up some recovery tools.
If the rehab facility recommends it, and such a place is available, then of course we would consider it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
If this is her first experience with drugs and rehab, and if she hasn't caused problems within the family, then sure, letting her come home is probably okay. We are not trying to be cruel or hard-hearted, but most of us have dealt with this and have quite a bit of experience.
The point I am trying to make is that you cannot control her recovery. Only she can do that. Don't do things for her that she is perfectly able to do for herself, like setting appointments or getting any medication prescriptions filled, etc. Don't make your revolve around keeping your daughter clean. Give her the chance to use the skills she is learning in rehab.
It also might be worth considering that you require her to work an active program such as Narcotics Anonymous.
The point I am trying to make is that you cannot control her recovery. Only she can do that. Don't do things for her that she is perfectly able to do for herself, like setting appointments or getting any medication prescriptions filled, etc. Don't make your revolve around keeping your daughter clean. Give her the chance to use the skills she is learning in rehab.
It also might be worth considering that you require her to work an active program such as Narcotics Anonymous.
Behind the Red Door
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by suki44883
If this is her first experience with drugs and rehab, and if she hasn't caused problems within the family, then sure, letting her come home is probably okay. We are not trying to be cruel or hard-hearted, but most of us have dealt with this and have quite a bit of experience.
The point I am trying to make is that you cannot control her recovery. Only she can do that. Don't do things for her that she is perfectly able to do for herself, like setting appointments or getting any medication prescriptions filled, etc. Don't makes your lives all about keeping your daughter clean. Give her the chance to use the skills she is learning in rehab.
It also might be worth considering that you require her to work an active program such as Narcotics Anonymous.
The point I am trying to make is that you cannot control her recovery. Only she can do that. Don't do things for her that she is perfectly able to do for herself, like setting appointments or getting any medication prescriptions filled, etc. Don't makes your lives all about keeping your daughter clean. Give her the chance to use the skills she is learning in rehab.
It also might be worth considering that you require her to work an active program such as Narcotics Anonymous.
We're having a little trouble with the programs that seem to be available, even the treatment center's program. My daughter is agnostic, and leans toward atheism. In trying to help her find/replace the "HP", we've discussed Zen. I'm currently trying to run down some reading material for her, as she doesn't have access to a computer or book store while in rehab.
Behind the Red Door
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by cynical one
It's something she could talk with her counselors about. 28 days is barely a blip on the radar as far as recovery goes. It's enough time to basically detox, go to a few group meetings, and a few individual counseling sessions. Then the hard work begins…living life on life's terms. And, the best support for a drug addict in recovery is of course other recovering addicts. As fun as belly dancing would be…it would just be a distraction...and not dealing with her addiction and why it manifests itself in eating disorders and the use of drugs.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
How old is your daughter? How bad is her epilepsy? We really don't have much information to go on. I have a good friend who is epileptic and he can drive and lives a very normal life on his own.
Behind the Red Door
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by suki44883
How old is your daughter? How bad is her epilepsy? We really don't have much information to go on. I have a good friend who is epileptic and he can drive and lives a very normal life on his own.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
Looking for reading material might be something you can do together after she is home. The thing I'm trying to say is not to take over when she is capable of doing things for herself and don't make the lives of your family be all about keeping her clean. She is old enough to take on these responsibilities for herself and we are doing them no favors when we take over responsibilities that rightfully belong to them.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: central coast, ca
Posts: 1,652
The only thing you can do to support her recovery is to get into recovery yourself.Alanon/naranon can help you do that. You are really new to this process and have alot of catching up to do if you are going to have an addict (recovering or not) living with you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
From looking back at your previous posts, your daughter still has quite a long way to go before she comes home. She's only been there a few days. While she is there, you might want to make up some "house rules" for when she gets home.
Regarding anything else, it might be good to wait until she actually gets home and see what her attitude is like. If she truly wants to continue with recovery, you will see it in her actions. At that point, you can support her in her efforts. If her attitude is in any way defiant, you might want to take a look at the list of rules you have made. The main point I am trying to make is to make HER responsible for her own recovery. It is not something you can do for her. We should never be willing to put more effort into it than the addict is willing to put in themselves.
I definitely agree with nar-anon or al-anon meetings for you and possibly other members of your family.
Regarding anything else, it might be good to wait until she actually gets home and see what her attitude is like. If she truly wants to continue with recovery, you will see it in her actions. At that point, you can support her in her efforts. If her attitude is in any way defiant, you might want to take a look at the list of rules you have made. The main point I am trying to make is to make HER responsible for her own recovery. It is not something you can do for her. We should never be willing to put more effort into it than the addict is willing to put in themselves.
I definitely agree with nar-anon or al-anon meetings for you and possibly other members of your family.
Behind the Red Door
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by suki44883
From looking back at your previous posts, your daughter still has quite a long way to go before she comes home. She's only been there a few days. While she is there, you might want to make up some "house rules" for when she gets home.
Regarding anything else, it might be good to wait until she actually gets home and see what her attitude is like. If she truly wants to continue with recovery, you will see it in her actions. At that point, you can support her in her efforts. If her attitude is in any way defiant, you might want to take a look at the list of rules you have made. The main point I am trying to make is to make HER responsible for her own recovery. It is not something you can do for her. We should never be willing to put more effort into it than the addict is willing to put in themselves.
I definitely agree with nar-anon or al-anon meetings for you and possibly other members of your family.
Regarding anything else, it might be good to wait until she actually gets home and see what her attitude is like. If she truly wants to continue with recovery, you will see it in her actions. At that point, you can support her in her efforts. If her attitude is in any way defiant, you might want to take a look at the list of rules you have made. The main point I am trying to make is to make HER responsible for her own recovery. It is not something you can do for her. We should never be willing to put more effort into it than the addict is willing to put in themselves.
I definitely agree with nar-anon or al-anon meetings for you and possibly other members of your family.
Responsibilities in the household?
Curfew?
Again, I need ideas, direction.
I stopped imposing rules when she became an adult, before I made the gradual dissent into denial. I do feel that rules should be imposed as "while you live in our home", but at the same time I'm not sure how to go about doing that so that it would be well received.
Behind the Red Door
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by keepinon
The only thing you can do to support her recovery is to get into recovery yourself.Alanon/naranon can help you do that. You are really new to this process and have alot of catching up to do if you are going to have an addict (recovering or not) living with you.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,864
Not to sound harsh, but why would you stop imposing rules when she became an adult? That would be the time to add to the rules if an adult person expects to live with their parents.
In any case, if she is not working outside the home, then yes, of course, she should have household responsibilities. If she is not physically impaired, is there any reason why she can't be expected to keep the floors vacuumed or swept, the dishes done and put away, kitchen countertops clean, furniture dusting, floor mopping, etc.?
Another could be what "friends" of hers you will allow in your home. What attitude you expect of her, that she must treat you with respect, etc.
I'm sure you can come up with some of your own since you are familiar with the situation and we are not.
In any case, if she is not working outside the home, then yes, of course, she should have household responsibilities. If she is not physically impaired, is there any reason why she can't be expected to keep the floors vacuumed or swept, the dishes done and put away, kitchen countertops clean, furniture dusting, floor mopping, etc.?
Another could be what "friends" of hers you will allow in your home. What attitude you expect of her, that she must treat you with respect, etc.
I'm sure you can come up with some of your own since you are familiar with the situation and we are not.
Behind the Red Door
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Posts: 181
Originally Posted by suki44883
Not to sound harsh, but why would you stop imposing rules when she became an adult? That would be the time to add to the rules if an adult person expects to live with their parents.
In any case, if she is not working outside the home, then yes, of course, she should have household responsibilities. If she is not physically impaired, is there any reason why she can't be expected to keep the floors vacuumed or swept, the dishes done and put away, kitchen countertops clean, furniture dusting, floor mopping, etc.?
Another could be what "friends" of hers you will allow in your home. What attitude you expect of her, that she must treat you with respect, etc.
I'm sure you can come up with some of your own since you are familiar with the situation and we are not.
In any case, if she is not working outside the home, then yes, of course, she should have household responsibilities. If she is not physically impaired, is there any reason why she can't be expected to keep the floors vacuumed or swept, the dishes done and put away, kitchen countertops clean, furniture dusting, floor mopping, etc.?
Another could be what "friends" of hers you will allow in your home. What attitude you expect of her, that she must treat you with respect, etc.
I'm sure you can come up with some of your own since you are familiar with the situation and we are not.
I stopped imposing rules because she was an adult, and as a parent I felt I had instilled that responsibility in my child. In case you haven't read it ( I have ), addictions are something that sneak up on all of us, as it has us. someone said something like "where did this pink elephant in my living room come from". It was gradual. It didn't come at me like a ton of bricks. My daughter was never a problem child.
And to clarify, we all work full time outside of the home. We are all exhausted at the end of the day. For the most part, we live happy, normal lives just like the people next door and the people across town.
As for the rest, that's pretty much why I'm here. I don't know. I'm reaching out asking for help, and what I'm getting is a snotty attitude in return.
Thanks for helping me beat myself up.
I AM CANADIAN
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Niagara Region, Canada
Posts: 2,578
NAR ANON or AL ANON...may give you the answers you need...go as many as you need and when you need them....all of you NOT JUST YOU...similar problems there with others can help and you have choices to make.....IT WORKS IF YOU WORK IT
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Boundaries are big topic around here for sure 
This was decidedly difficult for me with my alcoholic ex because the way I understood a boundary was to lay out what my EX should do or not do and what he would have to do if he broke the rule. This kept me stuck for many years.
For example, I told him if he was going to drink he could not drink in the house or I would leave him. My intent was to keep him from sitting on his chair in front of the TV drinking and getting argumentative and hostile with me as the day wore on. Instead he drank on the porch until he could barely stumble back into the house. He would then crawl his way to the couch and pass out there until the next morning. I felt stuck, he actually followed the rule and didn't drink in the house, and I couldn't exactly leave him at that time and he knew that so the rule/boundary was pointless.
Instead, through recovery, I learned that a boundary comes from within me. It's a personal rule that I can declare to the addicted person in my life or not. The action is mine to take if the boundary is crossed and I have to be prepared for it to be crossed. I cannot control the other person, I can only control me.
My boundary to my EX then became that I would leave the room, leave the house, or even leave town if his behavior was unacceptable to me. Whether he drank or not. Whether he was making an effort or not. If I felt uncomfortable or I felt he was disrespecting me, I got up and left the room. If he followed, I left the house.
With this boundary, I didn't have to declare it to him. He realized it as soon as it began happening. He couldn't stop himself much of the time from being verbally abusive, but it got him nowhere with me and the consequences were immediate for him. He was left alone to be mad at noone but himself when he was angry.
Rules are only as good as the consequences behind them.
I think it is reasonable for you to lay down house rules when your daughter returns. Basics such as no drugs in the house, no friends who use in the house, maintain a job befitting her abilities, continued recovery meetings/therapy, etc. Determining the appropriate consequences is going to be more difficult. Will you have to put her out? Will you call police to escort her from the home? Would a sober house be a consequence? I cannot answer these for you as they are decisions for you and your family to make, ultimately.
It sounds like you have time to work through these issues, and that's a great thing. Try to remember that being in denial is a way we seek comfort in an uncomfortable circumstance. This process of her leaving rehab and coming home is going to awkward for all of you and that's okay. As soon as you start making changes and letting consequences go for both of you, you are just seeking an immediate relief to the discomfort and not really working a solution. From discomfort will come answers. It feels off, but it's true.
I wish you well!! Keep posting and keep seeking answers. You'll find them as you go
Best wishes,
Alice
This was decidedly difficult for me with my alcoholic ex because the way I understood a boundary was to lay out what my EX should do or not do and what he would have to do if he broke the rule. This kept me stuck for many years.
For example, I told him if he was going to drink he could not drink in the house or I would leave him. My intent was to keep him from sitting on his chair in front of the TV drinking and getting argumentative and hostile with me as the day wore on. Instead he drank on the porch until he could barely stumble back into the house. He would then crawl his way to the couch and pass out there until the next morning. I felt stuck, he actually followed the rule and didn't drink in the house, and I couldn't exactly leave him at that time and he knew that so the rule/boundary was pointless.
Instead, through recovery, I learned that a boundary comes from within me. It's a personal rule that I can declare to the addicted person in my life or not. The action is mine to take if the boundary is crossed and I have to be prepared for it to be crossed. I cannot control the other person, I can only control me.
My boundary to my EX then became that I would leave the room, leave the house, or even leave town if his behavior was unacceptable to me. Whether he drank or not. Whether he was making an effort or not. If I felt uncomfortable or I felt he was disrespecting me, I got up and left the room. If he followed, I left the house.
With this boundary, I didn't have to declare it to him. He realized it as soon as it began happening. He couldn't stop himself much of the time from being verbally abusive, but it got him nowhere with me and the consequences were immediate for him. He was left alone to be mad at noone but himself when he was angry.
Rules are only as good as the consequences behind them.
I think it is reasonable for you to lay down house rules when your daughter returns. Basics such as no drugs in the house, no friends who use in the house, maintain a job befitting her abilities, continued recovery meetings/therapy, etc. Determining the appropriate consequences is going to be more difficult. Will you have to put her out? Will you call police to escort her from the home? Would a sober house be a consequence? I cannot answer these for you as they are decisions for you and your family to make, ultimately.
It sounds like you have time to work through these issues, and that's a great thing. Try to remember that being in denial is a way we seek comfort in an uncomfortable circumstance. This process of her leaving rehab and coming home is going to awkward for all of you and that's okay. As soon as you start making changes and letting consequences go for both of you, you are just seeking an immediate relief to the discomfort and not really working a solution. From discomfort will come answers. It feels off, but it's true.
I wish you well!! Keep posting and keep seeking answers. You'll find them as you go
Best wishes,
Alice
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 83
I don't think anyone is trying to give you a snotty attitude, I think they are just trying to help you understand something that a lot of us here only learned through ugly, brute, and heartbreaking experience...
First, it is definitely praiseworthy that you are willing to go to great lengths to help your daughter. Regrettably though, your help or lack thereof will neither get her clean nor maker her start using again. She will make that decision regardless of whatever you put in her life or take from it. The truth of the matter is, if she is 100% serious about getting clean then she will make the necessary sacrifices to do so. I only mention this because you are going to drive yourself crazy if you somehow think that you can "make" her stay clean, and will probably be racked with guilt if she starts using again and you are left wondering what you "did wrong."
Regarding rehabs/sober living facilities/coming home, the truth of the matter is almost everyone who goes to rehab is instructed to move into a sober living home afterward, and the only real plausible excuse for not doing so is financial hardship, which regrettably is afflicting a good number of people these days. As someone else said, 28 days is a blip on the radar screen, usually it is only enough time to get the addict to at least admit openly that they have a problem, let alone actually internalize that belief and then take steps to seek their own recovery. SLE's will not only give her the benefit of being surrounded by other addicts who are struggling with the same issues as she, but the staff who work at SLE's are trained to recognize addict behavior when they see it and not yield to it when it happens.
If an SLE is not financially feasible for you, then yes your daughter may have to move home, in which case yes it is essential to have boundaries. Other people have floated some suggestions, all I can say is you need to make it abundantly clear to her that if she uses in your home then she must leave, even if it means the local homeless shelter or salvation army as a result. Other suggestions include working a job, helping out around the house, a curfew, etc. Most importantly you have to make her accountable to herself and accountable to you, in view of the fact that it is your house that she is living in. If those terms are not acceptable to her then regrettably she might have to seek lodging elsewhere.
You are right that everyone's situation is different but in almost every addiction story there are still consistent themes that are played over and over, so much so that it is almost spooky. When people give you advice that you find uncomfortable, I suggest keeping in mind that they are only identifying aspects of your story that may be similar to your own, and are not jumping to conclusions about who you are or what your personal life circumstances may be or why you somehow merit unique treatment.
And most importantly, al-anon, al-anon, al-anon! There are tons of people there who have stood exactly where you stand and are the best source of good advice (and not to mention free advice) that there is or someone in your shoes.
First, it is definitely praiseworthy that you are willing to go to great lengths to help your daughter. Regrettably though, your help or lack thereof will neither get her clean nor maker her start using again. She will make that decision regardless of whatever you put in her life or take from it. The truth of the matter is, if she is 100% serious about getting clean then she will make the necessary sacrifices to do so. I only mention this because you are going to drive yourself crazy if you somehow think that you can "make" her stay clean, and will probably be racked with guilt if she starts using again and you are left wondering what you "did wrong."
Regarding rehabs/sober living facilities/coming home, the truth of the matter is almost everyone who goes to rehab is instructed to move into a sober living home afterward, and the only real plausible excuse for not doing so is financial hardship, which regrettably is afflicting a good number of people these days. As someone else said, 28 days is a blip on the radar screen, usually it is only enough time to get the addict to at least admit openly that they have a problem, let alone actually internalize that belief and then take steps to seek their own recovery. SLE's will not only give her the benefit of being surrounded by other addicts who are struggling with the same issues as she, but the staff who work at SLE's are trained to recognize addict behavior when they see it and not yield to it when it happens.
If an SLE is not financially feasible for you, then yes your daughter may have to move home, in which case yes it is essential to have boundaries. Other people have floated some suggestions, all I can say is you need to make it abundantly clear to her that if she uses in your home then she must leave, even if it means the local homeless shelter or salvation army as a result. Other suggestions include working a job, helping out around the house, a curfew, etc. Most importantly you have to make her accountable to herself and accountable to you, in view of the fact that it is your house that she is living in. If those terms are not acceptable to her then regrettably she might have to seek lodging elsewhere.
You are right that everyone's situation is different but in almost every addiction story there are still consistent themes that are played over and over, so much so that it is almost spooky. When people give you advice that you find uncomfortable, I suggest keeping in mind that they are only identifying aspects of your story that may be similar to your own, and are not jumping to conclusions about who you are or what your personal life circumstances may be or why you somehow merit unique treatment.
And most importantly, al-anon, al-anon, al-anon! There are tons of people there who have stood exactly where you stand and are the best source of good advice (and not to mention free advice) that there is or someone in your shoes.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: New York
Posts: 775
Hi Tormented I'm Tom recovering addict I think you are taking the attitude of the room wrong.You see the poeple here are in their onw recovery.They have had their addicts come home (sometimes multiable times) and seen how active addicts (like myself) take advantage of the best meaning families- friends.I'm not in anyway putting your daughter down.28 days is a good start but its not recovery and the active addict is still in there.Addiction is cunning baffeling and powerful so a little tough love is usually in order.Its easier to set up these rules from the start then to try to impliment when things get sticky plus it lets the addict know your not playing.
On the spirituality part of the program I am agnostic leaning towards atheism.It was and still is my hardest struggle in my recovery.I suggest trying not to get all caught up in the god word and just try to remember that there has to be something greater than yourself meaning some higher power greater influence being nonbeing just something that means more than ourselfs.Something that has the answers that we may not Something that we can trust with all our biggest fears when we are quiet with ourselfs.
I hope this helps Good luck to you and you daughter
On the spirituality part of the program I am agnostic leaning towards atheism.It was and still is my hardest struggle in my recovery.I suggest trying not to get all caught up in the god word and just try to remember that there has to be something greater than yourself meaning some higher power greater influence being nonbeing just something that means more than ourselfs.Something that has the answers that we may not Something that we can trust with all our biggest fears when we are quiet with ourselfs.
I hope this helps Good luck to you and you daughter
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