Tracey22

Hopefully I can keep this up. The guilt is the thing getting to me, but it also helps keep me on the right track. I'm now realizing how much I actually think about drinking it's all the time.... My mind thinking now is it's Sat at almost 1:00 I should be getting my drink on by now... How did I get here and why did it take me so long to realize (YEARS)??? I know it's not going to be easy. My husband does not get it. I know he tries and wants to help. He just does not understand the crying and me wanting to drink. I use to drink every night just because. I feel like everytime I think or write about it I just cry. I'm scared to fail. I'm scared to have a drink. I know if I do again I'm done and that scares me. Tuesday night was my worse night (so I heard) I was too drunk to remember. He said I did things and said things he and my kids will never forget. Although I don't want to know what I did I know it was bad. I have one too many bad nights. Last night (Friday night) took the kids to the bookstore had a coffee...I'm sure they were thinking "this is a weird Friday night" normally I would be sitting in the garage smoking and getting drunk until I eventually passed out. Today I woke up on a Saturday hang over free and it's nice although drinking is still all I think about not that I really want to I just think about it and the damage I've done and the worries of staying clean... I'm sure you are all going to hear my daily vents I just need somewhere to write them.

Hope everyone has a WONDERFUL Saturday!!!

Thanks

suki44883

Tracey, you don't have to suffer. Please, find an AA meeting in your area and go. Living a life of constantly fighting the urge to drink is no way to live. AA can help you.

Fandy

I think the anxiety you are feeling is part of the withdrawal process. But you need to formulate some sort of plan for the long-term. You are finding your motivation in your kids and family and that is a good thing....But you will want to figure out your triggers, change your mindset and lifestyle for a long term solution.

Congrats on Day 4...we have all been there.

LaFemme

Congrats on Day 4!!! Yeah you!

I do think you should start thinking out a plan...its great to get the booze out of your system, which you are doing. Now you need to think about how to do it and be happy, I don't think that happens overnight for most of us. There are a lot of options, AA is a good place to go first (after SR:-) its convenient and free. You can also read through SR.

It will get better, just find a plan that works for you and then work at it. At least that's my advice!

LexieCat

I second the suggestion of an AA meeting. The people in the meeting will totally GET where you are coming from. It will be a huge relief to be with people who understand. Your husband can't know. It's not his fault, it isn't something he has a problem with.

Please try it--so many people suffer along and then cave in because it's too much to handle alone.

Dee74

Hi Tracey

I agree with everyone else - support is vital I think. 'White knuckling' on your own is no way to live, for anyone.

Here a link to some of the main recovery players (AA SMART etc) at least click a few links.

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...formation.html

Reaching out is important.
D

cat1961

Tracey - I agree with the rest about finding support with AA meetings. You may find it more comfortable with an All-woman's group since your sensitivity is about at my level.

Hey - I cried my eyes out the first couple days of detox while reading and posting here. But I've come a long way with the support on SR and ONE meeting the 2nd day of detox.

I realize I should attend meetings but I just don't have any cravings whatsoever. However, in your case, you need the one on one, face to face contact with those that can help you immediately. Nobody understands what you're going through except of us alkies.

artsoul

Tracey - I think it's normal to be preoccupied (read: obsessed) with alcohol after we quit. It's what we've done for a long time, and life feels strange and scary without it. You're just now getting through the withdrawals, so give it time. It really does get so much better.

The first week of my sobriety I practically lived here, reading alot and posting. It was my form of treatment because I couldn't afford to go to inpatient. Any and all support necessary is what we need to do at first. The cravings and thoughts will slowly get better over time and being sober will actually feel normal a few months from now. It's worth the wait, so be extra patient and compassionate with yourself. And don't forget: it's ONE day at a time!

stanleyhouse

Tracey
I am so happy you are still here. I have been checking for you since your first post.
I can tell you being a wife and a mother and an alcoholic is the worst way to live. I new life was hell but I had no idea it could be good until I got sober, found treatment with therapy for the booze and depression and for me the right meds. I go to Smart Recovery for support. They use a Cognitive Therapy behaviour model to help fight addiction. Support is important, no matter where you find it.
When I stopped drinking I had no choice whether I drank or not. My body went through withdrawals constantly so I had to keep a constant flow. All I wanted in the end was to stop throwing up. I had no idea the benefits of sobriety. It sounds like you have a family that loves and supports you. My husband loved me but I couldn't see it because we weren't communicating. Nobody can talk to a drunk. It is very painful to watch your spouse slowly kill themselves. They wait and hope you will get help but until you do they can't do anything except pick up the clothes, etc.
These are the things I never want to feel again. I never want to lie in bed at three am, hoping I can make it till five after my husband leaves so I can throw up. I never want to get off a bar stool at the airport slightly buzzed and walk down the gray halls in a fog. I never want to walk my son to school because I have to. I never want to make liquor runs to different stores, or any store ever again.
Things i love. Driving, going out at night, watching tv sober, getting so much done and going to bed because I'm tired. Knowing my son trusts me to be there for projects and friend dates and homework. AND being able to have the most honest drug and alcohol conversation with sixth grader you can have.
I went to treatment thinking the worst about myself as mother. Being an alcoholic does not make you a bad person. My son learned what alcohol can do to a family and to his mother. He also saw a person ask for help, receive help and work hard to overcome something she has battled for a long time. There is an honesty in our relationship because of what we went through.
I am tearing up thinking about how scared and horrible you feel and I hope that you find the hope determination that I found to fight. I will pray for you. God helped me, I know he is with you now.
With Love
SH

Tracey22

Things will get better SH. Today I'm going to try and not obsess about it. Today I'm going to got to church and take the kids a little school shopping. Staying busy is my number one thing that is working for me. Crying is my #2 thing. I don't get it I just want to cry. Before I use to run out and drink when things got annoying and hard. Now it's time to communitcate my feelings, take deep breathes and walk walk walk. I walked twice yesterdaythat's all I really have left. I can already tell my kids are behaving better they understand a little. It's nice to wake up in the morning and actually have breakfast with them. My husband is gettting the brunt of it all. He's says something smart ass and I fly off the handle and cry. he actually told me he'd rather me drink then keep fighting with him. So we talked for a little bit and he understood. Usually a fight or a yucky comment would send me out the door in a heartbeat. I usually look for silly little excuses to run out and get a drink or 12 I should say. I've been to meetings in the past I know going to one will help. I bough a book the 12 steps for women about a year ago and never read it. So I think today I'll break that open.
Thanks for listening

hotshot

The craziest part id that your thinkin will not be normal for at least a month. At least thats the way it worked for me. I would cry hard at anything emotional on TV I mean bawl out loud......Crazy but true.....On my 5th week of bein sober and things have calmed down. Sleepin good and thinkin straight. The whole problem is makin it through the month sober so you can make good decisions yourself. Until the ya need support and guidance. Trust in the fellowship,,,,,,,,,,,,,Give yourself a chance.

LexieCat

Yup, read that book, and also take some time to read the AA Big Book. If you don't have a copy, it's online here.

Your emotions should even out in a few days.

Hang in there!

stanleyhouse

Sounds Good tracey. Looks like you have some good tools with walking and reading and spending some time with your kids. People are right, your emotions will levelout. It seems like the crying lasted for about two weeks for me. I am so happy you are here and experiencing sobriety. Have a good day.
SH

Fandy

congrats on Day 5 Tracey! I think you are figuring it out and finding your strengths...I hope you are feeling well.

wichitalineman

Congratulations on day 5! This sobriety thing isn't always the easiest thing to get going, but it is always worth it. I look forward to reading more of your posts - hang in there! It does get better. Huge, huge respect to you for these first steps you've taken - it's nothing short of a huge victory every day you are sober; congratulate yourself!

stanleyhouse

Good Morning Monday, Tracey.