FindingDawn

So I drink I am pretty sure to escape. I just want to numb out for a while. I have a marriage with problems, a child with special needs and money troubles that go up and down. I went for 6 1/2 days then I just caved. I didn't want to think about any of that stuff anymore.

There are times I would drink at parties to feel better and more confident, I would drink too much.

See I always seem to find a reason why...I do it. But do you guys think the reason matters why I or anyone else actually drinks??? I don't know

Because I feel so crappy after my first relapse last night, I was also wondering if anyone has any ways to escape again, the feelings of guilt I have. They plague me all day. I just feel like I want to crawl under a rock.
I don't want to face anyone who saw me drunk last night. Which would be my husband and daughter. They are never hard on me about it either. I am hard on me, and I hate that I have this problem...I want it to STOP!

Funny thing is the last think I want to do today after my relapse is drink again.

LaFemme

The problem with escaping with alcohol is that its only temporary and when you sober up the problem is still there only much worse.

The reason you use to justify drinking doesn matter, imo, we all had one or many.

For me, realizing deep.down, that all my reasons were excuses which in fact made every reason worse helped me to quit.

Imo, everyone has to find their own path to sobriety, different things work for different people, but SR is a good place to start.

Harry01854

Yes Dawn I drank to numb the feelings. Especially all the bad feelings. I drank because if you had my problems you would drink too. I drank for the courage and confidence to associate with other people. To talk with a woman, to ask a woman out or to dance. I drank for the good, bad and all the in between. At the beginning of my drinking it was good. Later on my drinking got bad, and at the end of my drinking it was just plain ugly.

Myself, I found AA very helpful and showing me a new way to live a life alcohol free. And it was through AA and the 12 Steps that I found a wqay to free me of all that guilt.

I was always hard on myself throughout my life anyway. I was my own worse critic.

Hope you find a way to seek help. Only you can decide if you are having a problem with alcohol and if you are an alcoholic.

Keep you in my prayers,

Harry

Che

Alcohol doesn't make your problems go away—they're still there. Eventually alcohol doesn't even help you forget your problems, it just makes you focus on them that much more.

You are too pessimistic and you are letting the bad things in life eat away at you. The fact is that everyone has problems, and alcoholics are just people who never learned to deal with them. Start being grateful for the good things you have in your life—a loving husband and daughter—and feel a little better. Life doesn't have to be perfect. It doesn't matter what you think your problems are right now, because even if they all changed or they were less intense, you would still be dealing with them the wrong way. Don't use 'I have such a hard life' as an excuse to drink. If you have a hard life you need all the brain power you can get to find the good in it :P

Most people on this forum have heard that movie cliche 'I could use a stiff drink' and have abused it to all hell at every little bump in the road. Forget the movies and live your own life

artsoul

Hi FindingDawn - your post made me think this morning about all the reasons/excuses I used to drink. I think in the beginning I just loved changing my mood and quieting my mind. I turned to it so many times (whether happy, sad or just because I wanted to) that it became intolerable to just be with myself without alcohol.

The last year of my drinking I spent in a vicious cycle of trying to quit, having a few days, and then drinking again. Drink, hangover, relief, drink, hangover, relief........ it took a lot of those cycles to bring me to my knees. Finally, I just couldn't do it anymore, physically or emotionally.

It took a while to get used to being sober again and I really didn't know if I could do it. But at some point I realized that there was really no "reason" good enough to justify all the pain of living the rest of my life as an alcoholic. I had to give up my short term relief for long term gain. One day at a time and SR are what has pulled me through.

Please hang in there. We're here to support you.:ghug3

LaFemme

There was always a part of me that realized that the only way alcohol was really going to help me escape my problems was by death. At the end I knew I was committing suicide.

Fandy

very true for me too...I KNEW I was killing myself. i decided I am worth so much more than the wine in the glass. I am starting to actually LIKE myself.

FindingDawn

Thank you for your comments. All appreciated so much, i feel very blessed to have found so many others just here on this board who can relate. I completely agree and know that drinking is a way for me to just hide from my problems and problems in general are no excuse to drink. I have used alcohol for way to long to escape. Learning to feel the feelings and emotions, the fears of life without a cruch is what needs to happen. And its the only way I will ever respect myself..
Onward, enough laying in bed all day and feeling guilty, I should not waste anther day..
Time to start again.

FindingDawn

ArtSoul, your drinking cycle sounds so much like mine...thank you for sharing with me.
May I ask, did you do AA or another program? what you explained sounds just like me..

Harry Thank you for the Prayers!!! I am praying too!

Dee74

I think in matters in the sense that you have to try and find out why you want to escape. I had try to figure how to face up to those feelings too, so that I wouldn't want to drink again.

I think you're on the right track 'Dawn

D

artsoul

This is my third time to get sober and the first two times I used AA, worked the steps, and went to a lot of meetings. I haven't been to a meeting this time, but will definitely return if I need to. So far, SR has been my support (and a few AA friends I've known for some time), but I have to qualify that by saying I spend a LOT of time here! Trading addictions, I suppose! I love knowing I can come here anytime and as much as I want. I also happen to like the people here. So far it's working.

I think our kind of drinking cycle is pretty common among alcoholics. A lot of people talk about being scared to start feeling better. When we're back on our feet after getting over the last drinking session, it's like we think we can handle it again. I always thought I'd do things differently the "next time," but it was a false hope 99% of the time. What was so maddening was that I began feeling really bad the next morning even when I didn't get the buzz I was looking for. It started taking longer to recover, too. What began as a desire for a little mental vacation kept turning into another bus ride to AnxietyVille (nerves standing on end, heart palpitations, sweats, etc.).

There's a lot of options out there now for recovery, so find one that suits you. I forgot to mention, I also see a psychiatrist for help with depression/insomnia, so if you can identify some of your major issues/needs, you can begin to weigh the options. Hang in there - if we can do it, you can too!

FindingDawn

Thank you Dee Hope I am on the right path too.

Artsoul...you still sound so much like me! lol I think I am gonna be spending allot of time here too....I hope I don't get on peoples nerves from hanging around so much! I am trying it again on my own. Well this is really the first time I have seriously tried to stop.
I too have depression and anxiety. I need to deal with issues from childhood and issues related to raising my son who has autism. All things that if I could learn to deal with in a healthy way, I might just not feel this need to escape in the bottle. It is a cowards way out...I don't cope by dropping out of existence for awhile. The next day the problem is of course always still there, but on top of that I have the guilt, shame and one hell of a hangover. We are all worth so much more than that!

I am hanging in there....