You were Daddy's wings
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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You were Daddy's wings
A couple nights ago my 9 year old son said something to me that made me understand how much he really understands his Dad but also when I thought about it more yesterday--it also described co-dependency.
We got into a discussion due to filling out all the back to school paperwork and I had to list backup people who can pick up 2 sons. I let stbxah put in a name since he picks up on Tuesdays and every other Friday. He of course did not see it as "I am running late" or "I have an appt. so" please allow Madame X to pick up my child. Nope, he selected his first ex-wife to pick up the kids and told the kids she would be coming to pick them up every Tuesday. Older DS said he was OK with the pick up (kinda) but was not staying at her house. . .and he won't due to the right of first refusal--if stbxah can't take the kids I can do it instead if I choose to.
Anyway in the middle of the discussion older DS tosses out--Mom, you were always Daddy's wings and now he has someone else being his wings. I was not sure what he was talking about and wondered if at camp they had been having talks about something. So I asked him what he meant. He told me that birds need wings to fly and that his Dad did not have his own wings and could not fly alone. So I was his Dad's wings so he could fly and how (my words) he has 2 new enablers (ex-wife and a lady from one of the churches where he used to work) to be his wings. Then older DS summed it up perfectly. Mom, if you are a bird, and you don't have wings, you can't go anywhere and you can't even live.
I have to say I was shocked at his level of understanding his Dad and at this incredible analogy he made to help himself understand his Dad. I asked him where he had heard about how people can be like birds and he said he thought it up. I googled the idea and came up with this:
Birds Without Wings Lyrics - David Gray
But I don't think DS came across this. But I think his understanding of his Dad hit a new level.
Also, it made me think that when we decide to be the wings--we are allowing the A to continue to fly and that we need to take the wings away and let them learn howto fly without them (or perhaps sprout a pair of their own).
Pretty deep stuff for a 9 year old to come up with!
We got into a discussion due to filling out all the back to school paperwork and I had to list backup people who can pick up 2 sons. I let stbxah put in a name since he picks up on Tuesdays and every other Friday. He of course did not see it as "I am running late" or "I have an appt. so" please allow Madame X to pick up my child. Nope, he selected his first ex-wife to pick up the kids and told the kids she would be coming to pick them up every Tuesday. Older DS said he was OK with the pick up (kinda) but was not staying at her house. . .and he won't due to the right of first refusal--if stbxah can't take the kids I can do it instead if I choose to.
Anyway in the middle of the discussion older DS tosses out--Mom, you were always Daddy's wings and now he has someone else being his wings. I was not sure what he was talking about and wondered if at camp they had been having talks about something. So I asked him what he meant. He told me that birds need wings to fly and that his Dad did not have his own wings and could not fly alone. So I was his Dad's wings so he could fly and how (my words) he has 2 new enablers (ex-wife and a lady from one of the churches where he used to work) to be his wings. Then older DS summed it up perfectly. Mom, if you are a bird, and you don't have wings, you can't go anywhere and you can't even live.
I have to say I was shocked at his level of understanding his Dad and at this incredible analogy he made to help himself understand his Dad. I asked him where he had heard about how people can be like birds and he said he thought it up. I googled the idea and came up with this:
Birds Without Wings Lyrics - David Gray
But I don't think DS came across this. But I think his understanding of his Dad hit a new level.
Also, it made me think that when we decide to be the wings--we are allowing the A to continue to fly and that we need to take the wings away and let them learn howto fly without them (or perhaps sprout a pair of their own).
Pretty deep stuff for a 9 year old to come up with!
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Location: minneapolis, mn
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yes, how insightful. you can help your son understand that while it may be ok to be someone's temporary wings now and then, it is not meant to be a lifestyle.
my aunt has been her husband's wings for 50 years. she is now in her 70's, and tired, very tired. she has spent her life being exhausted, taking care of everyone and most especially, this child in a man's body. she can't extricate herself from the role (she thinks) because the pattern is so firmly established.
waste of two beautiful lives if you ask me.
my aunt has been her husband's wings for 50 years. she is now in her 70's, and tired, very tired. she has spent her life being exhausted, taking care of everyone and most especially, this child in a man's body. she can't extricate herself from the role (she thinks) because the pattern is so firmly established.
waste of two beautiful lives if you ask me.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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It really does amaze me how much kids do understand. DS's analogy made ME think about things I had never thought of. I don't think I was this insightful a couple years ago. Maybe it helps to have a mom who is a recovering codie who does not pretend everything is normal when it is not. That did not happen at my house when I was a kid. No one talked about "it". We danced around it, we hid in our rooms to avoid it but no one ever talked about it.
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