vaya

My AS showed up this evening. After stopping by briefly and then returning, at the same time my younger son came home, he came back in the house. I assumed his girlfriend would be picking him up. Wound up conning me into letting him stay just the night, since he couldn't get a ride back from his girlfriend and the busses might not be running that late. I told him it was ok this time ONLY, and NO USING. When he came out of the bathroom a little while longer he was blitzed on heroin. He couldn't even walk or function. I told him he can't do drugs and be here. But I was worried about how messed up he had gotten and told him he could stay a while, sleep it off and get it together so he could take the bus back. I didn't have the guts to put him out in the night with nowhere to go. I was also worried he might have overdosed. He kept talking about wanting to whack himself....anyway my younger son took it for as long as he could and then had to let loose about how he felt about my AS and told him to get out and started to throw him out. (He's been through years of this with my AS when they were living with their dad.)I told him to calm down and tried to get my AS to get it together. My youngest finally went to sleep.
Now, it's almost 4AM and my AS is completely out of it. I figure he's been lucky enough to have had a few hours to chill, but will have to leave pretty soon.
This is less about him and more about me. I can't believe all the mixed emotions I felt about the situation. Intellectually I knew I probably should have just told him to leave, but I just couldn't put him out there in the state he was in. I was afraid he'd either get mugged and ripped off or the cops would pick him up if he was so out of it. I know it may have been the dose of reality he needed...but I still see no reason to put him directly in that situation. I know I didn't stand my ground, but I am sure now that he cannot come back here for any reason until he stops using, gets treatment and help, and gets his life together. I'm not beating myself up about it now, but I just couldn't throw him out like that. I didn't want a bunch of drama and ugliness to fuel his fire of self pity and anger that no one cares about him....especially when he was talking suicidal again.

I guess I needed to see how really messed up he is right now and how he doesn't want to stop using. (Earlier this evening he even said he doesn't think he has a problem.) Tonight's episode make it easier for me to tell him not to come back for a while. If he needs something that's at my place, next time I will just meet him outside, away from the house.

It's so clear that he just manipulated everyone, girlfriend and I, just so he could get away from her house, where he hasn't been allowed to leave, score drugs and then use my house to shoot up. He's also probably testing the waters here to see what his options might be if it doesn't work out at his girlfriends.

I was reading some writings about letting go and letting grow...but it's still hard to do at times like these. Am I controlling the outcome by letting him stay just the night and not getting into a more dangerous situation or am I controlling the outcome by deliberately putting him out where he's likely to get ripped off, arrested, or whatever? I know letting him stay probably just prolongs his bottom.....but I just couldn't throw him out like that and being scared about his state.

Like I said....I can't beat myself up about it....I could only do what I was comfortable doing and ready to do....I've taken huge steps in just putting my foot down and boundaries up by telling him to leave 2 weeks ago and sticking to my word about it. This was bound to happen. It is what addicts do. And what I did is what mothers who struggle with codependency do. I didn't give him any money. He'll just have to leave this morning and know he can't do this anymore. He knows the locks are changed and has to have my permission if he wants to come over for something. But the fact is, there really isn't much he needs thats at the house now anyway.

It's just sickening to see how sick and consumed he is. He is totally powerless over this demon drug and all I can do is pray. Dammit, if i had a car I would have driven him over to the hospital or Salvation Army and at least know he wouldn't be on the street. I don't want to be the one to do that to him. If he winds up causing that on himself...then that's his problem. He does have his girlfriend's house to go to....she wants to fix him...she can deal with it from here.

Well, he's still moaning and groaning and acting stupid and stoned..and I'm still up...gonna have to move him along soon. Please pray for me and for him!!

Suzie12

So sry for what you are going through, am praying for both you and your AS.

coffeedrinker

i don't see this particular thing as a "controlling" issue. but, having been someone who is an enabler cuz i just can't bear to put someone out, or can't find the strength to say no, or can easily hurt my own feelings but not those of someone i love, i understand what you did and why.

i also think that this is exactly how we move forward, and how we grow in this new way of being - the "not being the enabler anymore" way of being. we don't get it just right immediately, but we make a decision, later look back and resolve to do it differently the next time.

now that you really know the deal with him, and you need to protect your other son (emotionally), you know where that boundary is. best to you...

sojourner

You were in a tough spot there. Yes, putting him out when he was high like that would be hard on a mama's heart. You'd have been sending him out into the "world" totally unable to protect himself. I would have probably done the same thing if there was no one else to call to come get him to stay with. It sounds like he was not violent or aggressive.

But you're right about not letting him into your house in the future. He was not under the influence when he showed up at your house. If he would not have had access to your house then he would have found somewhere else to crash in order to get high. And then you would not have had a front-row seat to the whole thing.

Hang in there. We grow little by little. Remember your AS now has a neurologic disorder and not a moral weakness. Pray very hard for him. Pray very hard for your younger son. Pray very hard for yourself for wisdom and hope in all this. It's there, it really is.

cece1960

Sorry vaya, I've been there many of times.

I know the punch in the gut feeling it brings too. If you make him leave, there's another sleepless night of wonder. If you let him stay chaos will probably follow.

I know there have been times that I and he would have been much better off if I would have just thrown him out in the night, but at the time I couldn't. Not because I felt bad for him, but I just didn't have the energy. Other times, I was able. I have found that once you do it , and nothing tragic comes of it, its gets easier.

My best solution is to not let him in in the first place.

No contact is where I sit best, but just as I can't control his using, I can't control whether he just appears out of no where.

As a dear friend on SR says "This mom stuff ain't for weenies"

Hang in there, and keep doing what you can do until it all starts to make sense.

(((Hugs)))

hello-kitty

That's horrid. I'm sorry he did that. What you said about meeting him outside the home the next time he wants to see you is a good idea. Addicts will push our boundaries as far as they can. And they will use our love and caring against us.

I used to tell myself to focus on my relationships with the living because addicts were the walking dead. (I am a recovering addict - and I know from first hand experience that we are like the dead when we are using - we don't think or care, we just move.) I hope you can focus on building your relationship with your son and other family members that don't use drugs and manipulate you. We all need more reliable people in our lives.

Kindeyes

I've been there too. I understand the mixed feelings and mind struggle. You understand where he is in his addiction--you're not in denial about it. We have to do what we can live with while still remaining realistic about our loved one's addiction and behaviors. Some have to have a strict no contact policy. Some can have minimum contact. It's certainly an individual thing.

I'm so sorry that you (and all of us) are dealing with addiction. It's a very tough thing to handle and there is no "perfect" way to do it. For me, every contact with my AS is a challenge to remain calm and true to myself. He takes runs at me for money and he can be quite tricky about it. He does use my love for him against me (or tries) and I have to have my cryptonite shield on to prevent it from getting to me.

gentle hugs

cece1960

Me too Kindeyes.

And I've had to be mean many times, because that's the only tone he seems to understand. Underneath the love for my son is still there, but the surface is starting to become rock hard.

gotahavfaith

Vaya

I would have probably done the same thing too. But now that you have experienced that drama once again, you know where your boundaries are. Not letting him in the house the next time is a good boundary, for you, for your other son, and for him.

When we know better, we do better.

Sending you big mama hugs today.

Gotahavfaith

keepinon

Vaya, my daughter said to me that I would "let her sleep under a bridge" and she is exactly right. To remain in active addiction is a choice. To use at your house was a choice. Heroin addicts put themselves in horrible danger every day, nothing you do is going to put him in a worse situation than he puts himself in ALL THE TIME. God knows the things my AD does..she is in constant danger. I also encourage you to focus on your son that is not an addict. Siblings suffer so much. Unfortunately I really blew it on that front by focusing so much on the sick one. You have come a really long way..just remember..these are his CHOICES and he will have to reap the consequences. Removing that soft place to fall will make him feel it all the quicker PLUS keep you sane:ghug3

vaya

Thank you all for your ESH. My AS just left a little while ago. I didn't make it unpleasant to go, he did. I offered him something to eat, but he wasn't hungry. Walked him out to talk a bit....he's so confused and in denial. Still doesn't think he has a problem. Takes everyone's inventory. Says AA and meetings don't work. Thinks the answer is for him to just get a job and be productive. (Doesn't even remember how he used at his last job and couldn't make the sales quota He was really upset about his younger brother yelling at him and threatening to throw him out. Said he used because I made him mad when we talked last night. Told him no one can make him use....that is a choice he makes. Told him to let go and stop letting himself be controlled by his anger, sadness, etc...to come to terms with it and learn to deal with it...with a therapist, in meetings, whatever. He feels rehab doesn't work since he's tried it and it didn't.....my reply...'it only works if you work it' and if you really want sobriety more than anthing. Told him a relapse is always just a 10 second thought away, and one has to develop the tools to get past that...etc. Think he feels kinda bad about what happened, then feels he has to make excuses for his behavior, rather than just deal with his issues and take responsibility for his actions. It was obvious the conversation was just going in the same cycles. Told him he's 23 now and has to make his own decisions about things and not to do it to make me or anyone else happy and to take responsibility for those choices. blah blah blah...and so on. Wow, it's really hard to see him this way in such denial and struggling without any real support. He left to go and try and sell the rest of the stuff he had and then was going back to his girlfriends. I told him if he gets caught I can't bail him out. Wow...is all I can say. My heart breaks for him..after he left I just cried and kept worrying about him. I just have to let go and let be and pray and pray.

Spiritual Seeker

(((((((((((((((vaya)))))))))))))))))))))))))
I understand how your heart aches for your sick son.
Along with detachment at times, at other times we must demonstrate compassion for our child, especially when they are heroin addicts.
As bad as it was to see him under the influence is your home, it had to provide some comfort for both of you to let him stay safe at your house for the night since he was already there.
As you know from my story, my son used for the first time in 2 yrs. and it killed him.
Given the life + death reality of Heroin, you have the peace of knowing he has lived another day. May he seek a way to honor life again today.

outtolunch

Wrapping my head around this was tough stuff for me, back when. Any shot could have been her last shot. She could have gotten blown away in a drug deal gone bad. She could have been killed or killed someone while riding with someone under the influence. Hep and HIV are constant risks.

Accepting that there was absolutely nothing I could do to make her use or stop using was the most humbling time of my life and the tipping point for me.