firestorm090

OK, I'm not in a good mood, and I'm sick of this phrase from my" sponsor".

I'm beginning to think that a sponsor is someone you might want to emulate at least in some respects and to follow the directives of that sponsor, who has a bunch of sober time but a life I look at and truthfully would never live, leaves me at odds with the whole 12 steps to God experience.

My sponsor has this way of when I ask a question about a troubleing situation, to tell me to let the answer come to me, back off and trust that the answer will become clear.

Is this right? Is this the help I can expect from a sponsor?

Ok let's back out of the comparision mode just for a second and ask, "If this guy has 20+ years sober, why the hell am I buying him dinner at his request?"

Ok, I'm just getting started and I'm getting p"od, so I'm bailing on this, but I'm going to let the thread stand because I'm interested in what others may have experienced thus far.

Chakra

I don't have a sponsor because I turn to SR for support so I'm curious about why you had to buy him/her dinner EVER? The ONLY person I have ever trusted that is so active in AA lays currently dying and hoping for a miracle but I can assure you, he does not ask anything from anyone. Just mentors toward sobriety, if asked to do so. I am not an AA girl but I am a karma girl and something doesn't seem right!

firestorm090

Thanks Ck,

In all honesty, I've just about had it with this guy and am going to find another sponsor.

Is it possible, conceivable that in some respects you may be totally incompatible with a sponsor? YES!!

Enough said.

Suzie12

I am with Chakra same situation, never been to AA meetings, something I have been considering for a while now but still not sure whether it is for me. So maybe some of the others that already participate in AA can throw some light on it.

Did your sponser request you buy him dinner for a specific reason, like he was out of money or something? Not sure that I would ever ask anyone to buy me dinner unless it was a close friend and even then I would have to be deperate. Just curious as to what reason he gave you for this request.

CarolD

Hi FS.....

What should you expect from a sponsor?

Alcoholics Anonymous : Questions & Answers on Sponsorship

I've never heard of a sponsor who requested you pay for his dinner.
Maybe the man has no extra funds?
I expect to pay if I invate someone.
Mostly we go Dutch after a meeting.


And I don't do Step work in a public place.
Soooo.....I

When my sponsees ask about specific situations that
crop up.....I try to find something in our BB or
12&12 for them to read.
I also share how I worked thru something similar...
if I have had that experience.

But yes...I also ask them to pray on it and wait for
answers. Often waiting allows the situation to cool
down ..unknot.....and smooth out.
Hasty actions can really compound the problem.

Shared with hope you can find it useful
Changeing sponsors is not unusual in AA.

All my best FS

keithj

To be honest, Dallas, that phrase sounds a whole lot like, 'I don't know'. And maybe even a little like, 'I don't care to find out with you.'

But also to be honest, whining about one's sponsor sounds a whole lot like alcoholism. Hopefully, a sponsor makes everyone's resentment inventory. They're going to tick you off sometimes.

But dinner? It's not one of the directions in the BB. That said, I've bought countless dinners for new guys down on their luck. That's usually how it works.

When the expectation of a sponsor is someone who can show me the directions for having a spiritual experience, I get a whole lot less disappointed in them.

Maybe you do need to change sponsors. Does this guy have you single-mindedly focused in the BB and taking the Steps?

totfit

"We all carry within us supreme strenght, fullness of wisdom and unquenchable joy; it can't be thwarted and can never be destroyed, but it is buried deep and that makes life a problem"

-Huston Smith

I believe I have always had the answers. I was too taken up by life to be still enough find them and once found, adhere to what I had found. I think this whole sponsorship thing can be beneficial in some instances, it can also be incredibly harmful in others. Not everyone that quits drinking, even forever gets well. Many were sick in the first place. We should be careful who we trust.

LexieCat

AA has an excellent booklet on sponsorship, which Carol has already put the link up to.

Not everyone is a good sponsor. And someone who's a good sponsor for one person won't "fit" with another.

My sponsor and I have taken turns picking up the tab, but neither of us would dream of expecting the other to pay on a regular basis.

As far as guidance goes, with life situations I think it's important not to give specific advice on what action to take, but I would expect my sponsor to help me examine the problem or issue through the lens of the Steps and the program.

I think you might want to look around for a different mentor.

Aysha

Sounds like you should find another sponsor if your not happy with this one.
Not to sound harsh, But thats in your hands. If they dont live the way you would, Why even ask them to be your sponsor in the first place?
As far as buying dinner at their request. Yea..Thats pushing it and I would def get rid of them, fast.

Find someone who has what you want, someone who inspires you.
I dont have a sponsor yet, But I have had my eye out for over 6 mos and I know I want one that can ..

1. Be able to call me on my BS cause I need that little bit of hard azz personality to get me moving sometimes.

2. Works a good program that I admire and respect.

3. Is genuinely concerned and willing to guide me in the right direction.

4. HAs worked all the steps themselves.

I am being very picky about mine because this is the person I am going to be putting my trust in to help me and if I am going to be guided by someone, They had better know where they are going. I can do bad and get lost by myself.

Hope you figure this out.

LaFemme

I think its important to remember a sponsor is not a trained counselor, which, given the power they sometimes wield can be dangerous. This guy sounds like he is taking advantage of you...imo.

I'm not in AA and I don't have a sponsor, but when I was trying to get sober I had a friend who was in recovery, also not AA, who I loomed to for inspiration and advice.

Maybe should look for a trained profesional, if its going to cost you money, you should at least be getting professional help.

DayTrader

A sponsor isn't supposed to fill the role of your (our) higher power. A sponsor isn't someone who HAS all the answers but they're there to direct you where to go for the answers.

I didn't like hearing "sit with that for a while" or "did you ask God yet?" either. I'd ask God but He (she, them, it...) would never seem to answer me "right now." I had to learn that just because I wanted an answer didn't mean I needed an answer. That helped me get in touch with my selfishness. I thought that just because I asked I'd GET.....and get it now!

In AA anyway, part of the deal is that we're in a position "beyond human aid." What's a sponsor? - A HUMAN. God may talk through my sponsor but the answers are with God. It's God I need to be talking to.

Sounds like your sponsor is doing what he/she's supposed to do.... suggesting you talk to the "real" boss out there.

I think of an AA sponsor as an experienced Sherpa who's leading my up Mt Everest. The Sherpa is there to help me find my own way up the mountain. A HUGE part of being on top of the mountain is the journey up there. The payoff for all that hard work is arriving on the top. The Sherpa is there to warn me about the dangerous parts and to make suggestions on what works and what doesn't. They're not there to carry me up the mountain. Just like with alcoholism, we've got a limited amount of time to get to the top of the mountain or we die. Now I can sit and waste time....hours.......days while the Sherpa explains how, why, and to what degree a particular path is dangerous OR I can just take their word for it (which assumes I trust my Sherpa and believe they've climbed this mountain - and know what they're doing) and just follow their directions and -hopefully- get to the top during that small window of opportunity.

Anna

I don't have a sponsor, but I know that if I am QUIET, the answers will come to me.

Meditation is a great way to quiet your mind and to be able to hear what your soul is telling you, to be able to hear the messages the Universe is sending your way.

Harry01854

I was fortunate enough to have sponsors that would direct me to the Big Book. My sponsor I had for the 12 Steps knew what page and paragraph to send me to. My first sponsor, because of the situations I would come up with, was constantly sending me to the page for the acceptance prayer. It is a personal story, which I don't believe is in the 1st edition. And it is titled "Acceptance was the answer."

Having a sponsor that would expect me to pay for his dinner, in my own opinion, is out of line and unacceptable behavior.

I'm wondering about this sponsor though. Did you ask him to help guide you through the 12 Steps? If so, do you know if he himself has been through the 12 Steps with a sponsor that has been through the process?

I know a few guys in AA that have 20+ years of sobriety but have never been through the process.

I have never fired any sponsors, but when I was looking to go through the 12 Steps, I asked if they had been through the process. Two told me no and I just let them know that I was looking for a sponsor that had worked on the 12Steps. They understood and we remain as friends still today and stay in touch.

Good luck in your endeavors and hope you find what you need.

Harry

Dee74

I don't know from sponsors so I'll let the advice there stand.

I don't think let it come to you is bad advice though.
Frankly I think it's pretty good advice.

I wanted answers, I wanted direction, I wanted solutions and I wanted them now dammit.

I didn't get that and it was one of the best lessons I had to learn - it's not always what I want, in my time.

IMO it's good to learn patience and humility (as best as a man like me can) and to let go of wanting to control everything, and of expectations that everything will always be crystal clear and immediate.

For me, it was a mighty fine thing to develop a little faith that I was doing the right thing even if that was not immediately apparent.

I believe you will get the answers you want D - if you look hard enough...and if you try as hard as you can not to influence the timing or the outcome....

Sorry if that sounds like more airy fairy pseudo swami-ism, but I believe it.

I learned more in actually undertaking the journey than I did by arriving at my destination, y'know?

D