sacramento

Hi!
A quick question about visiting someone in rehab..my BF 26 yo daughter has been in rehab for 3 weeks (thank GOD!) He has always been an enabler, giving her a place to stay, money..etc.
Now that she is in rehab, he brings her every little thing she calls an requests. Personal items, cigarettes, taking her to the doctor, even veggies from our garden. I know she can't get a job right now and pay for things herself. He told me she earned a day out so Sunday he is going to take her for a hair cut and buy her some clothes and what ever else she may want. This seems a little bit off to me. Like she keeps running to daddy instead of becoming more self sufficient. Our couples counselor told us that what we see as a act of kindness, and addict sees as a sign of weakness . Am I wrong to think he is inviting danger here?

outtolunch

Inviting danger ???

The more he enables, the more she will expect which probably makes dad feel needed. It's a mutual need and crippling for both of them.

He is likely to resent you for what he may perceive as an attempt to put a wedge between he and his daughter. Rather than you being the bad guy here, can you let the counselor handle this?

Spiritual Seeker

Does the rehab have a family program ?
Your BF has lessons to learn about having a grown addict child as all parents in the situation do. The best place for him to grow is through a counselor, al-anon, family program, etc.
Luckily, his child has made the difficult decision of treatment.
You may have to leave recovery to the two of them.
Compassion and support may be your best course of action.

sacramento

I totally stepped in it this morning. I got my panties in a knot b/c this morning he said he did his three meetings that were required to be able to see her and take her out, and he was done. He never says what he learned in the meetings, just what a PITA they are. He really loves being her savior, and I play right into the good cop bad cop thing. Gaa! He told me i needed to call out counselor and sched a new appointment, and I snapped, no, you call! I totally feel like the bad guy here.

coffeedrinker

sacramento,

do you have experience with the al-anon program? the first step, for those of us who are not addicts, is to accept that we are powerless over other people. it sounds like although your bf needs to learn this, you do as well.

it sounds like some issues in your own relationship with your bf has come to the surface.

you can know every second of the day that he should not be enabling his daughter. we can all tell you that, and affirm that truth. but that doesn't make it happen.

what can you do to do the right thing FOR YOU?

tormentedmirror

I'm new to this, and my daughter has been in rehab since Tuesday. My question is, how are they supposed to get the things they need if someone doesn't bring them? Please don't blast me. I'm really failing to understand this.

Chino

All my RAD's basic needs were provided by the rehab. That still didn't stop me from bringing extra clothes to her and her favorite hair products, etc. I did bring a fan to her for the white noise and the counselors were happy about it. Her roommate's snoring was keeping her up and it was an easy solution.

Looking back, my efforts at pampering her kind of reminds me of when we sent her to camp back in grade school. Heaven forbid she be without such and such, totally defeating the purpose of roughing it and getting away. I wouldn't do it again

laurie6781

Well, first off many rehabs supply the 'necessities', ie soap, shampoo, toothpaste, toilet paper, etc Now it usually is not what the client is used to so in their addict ways they start 'demanding' from family members to get what they are 'used to.'

I am surprised that the rehab the OP's step daughter is at still allows them to smoke.

As far as clothes, the bare minimum, they do not have much closet space or dressor drawer space.

I look at it this way, having had to find recovery many years ago for myself. Even in rehab, the individual needs to become 'willing to go to any lengths to stay sober.' Now over the years I have worked with many addicts and/or alkies and may a third of them have ended up in rehab.

When it has been a rehab that does not supply the absolute necessities, I have been willing to bring them to the individual, especially when there is no family around (many times by the individual's choice). However, I bring them the most reasonably priced items I can find and to the few who have complained, I simply explain, that were they living on the streets, which is where they were headed, they would have NO necessities.

The first 3 1/2 months of my recovery I lived in a "Recovery House for Alcoholic Women." the first two weeks our room and board was $50 a week and they supplied the necessities while one looked for work and found a job. Then, the individual not only had to start paying $65.00 a week, but had to pay up what they were behind and we then bought our own necessities. One thing we were not allowed to bring into the house was 'junk food.' We could bring fruit or yogurt and items of that sort, but no junk food.

You had to 'earn' privileges. It was a privilege to even go shopping when chores were all done on a saturday, and if one had any money left after paying on bill, lol

Rehab is all about learning how to live 'clean and sober' and stand on one's 'own two feet' as a responsible, productive member of society. Now how is one to learn that, if every whim is granted by a family member or friend?

J M H O

Love and hugs,

tormentedmirror

I guess I find myself in an unusual situation. In addition to everything else, our daughter has epilepsy, so she has been dependent on us for many things. We drive her to and from work, to her dr's appt's, to take her kitties to the vet, shopping for clothes, you name it. Even when she had her own place for a year, we'd swing by and pick her up for work, and on the way home at the end of the day, we'd take her to run errands.

Her inability to get things done herself has nothing to do with the drugs. I think anyone would do that for a child who can't drive.

I don't think this particular treatment center provides the neccesaties, and I'm trying not to do too much for her. It's her first week, and she didn't know what she could and could not bring, so I caught her up last night when I went for the weekly family night. I gave her a phone card and told her not to burn throuh it calling friends. It's to contact family, and to arrange dr's appt's while she's there. She's recovering from a bladder infection that seems to be coming back, and she needs to see her neurologist for her epilepsy meds. The treatment center also does not provide transportation to and from appt's.

Tell me if I'm wrong.

Chino

The word 'inability' is your guide

Enabling is doing for others what they can and should do for themselves. My daughter is also unable to do some basic and necessary things for herself, and I have a clean conscience assisting her with them.

sacramento

Thank you all for the insight. I have not gone to any al anon meetings. My BF wanted to go to the first few family meetings alone to sort of check things out first - and I think he really wanted me there saying -see I told ya!
I come from a family that hashes everything out in the open. Then we forgive and move on. Their family dynamic is keep everything hidden away. So I do come across as confrontational at times. Maybe I'm sticking my nose where it doe not belong. uhg

tormentedmirror

You're right. I do need to make that distinction. I've also thought that from now on, instead of saying "I'll grab it on the way home", that I'll tell her "I'll come home, and take you to run errands". I've noticed that often I will not get my money back when I run errands for her, which was no big deal before I found out about the self destruction.

I'm taking her kitties to the vet Tuesday. They were both due for shots in January, and one has an eye infection. I simply cannot let the boiz suffer because her life is askew. Poor babies.

meditation

I spent 90 days in rehab. The seasons changed while I was there. From hot summer to New Year's Eve. I packed thinking I would be out in 30 days. I am so so thankful my family brought me some warm clothes, came to see me, it was so wonderful to see them, it was my only contact with them all for one -two hours a week.
I also needed sheets, the rehab's sober living did not provide linens, towels. In order to stay in rehab one does need the minimum but I saw my family bringing the items as kindness and love. I did not see it as them being weak. I was so very thankful to see my family. There is enabling and then there is kindness and support. Hope that helps.

sacramento

Meditation, that does help. You see, I've never known his daughter as a sober person. I only know the hurtful, using manipulative person she is. Three weeks does not erase the pain she has but us all trough. I'm trying to judge my reactions as hyper- reactive or normal. I suppose the meetings help wit hall of that.

ladyamalthea

In my opinion, and this is just my opinion, there is a huge difference between enabling someone who is in active addiction and supporting someone who is demonstrating that they are actively participating in their own recovery. As long as everything you're seeing and hearing supports the idea that she is really working hard to stay in recovery, I see nothing wrong with helping her with things she needs to make her stay in rehab effective.

ladyamalthea

Yep, meetings will definitely help!

And just a thought... try not to "judge" your reactions too much. I understand trying to gauge them to figure out if you are acting reasonably, but be gentle with yourself too. Addiction affects the entire family, and if you spend too much time analyzing what you've already done, moving forward can become that much more of a challenge.

meditation

Lady A is correct in that this time is a time to be kind to yourself. Addiction destroys trust. A truly recovering addict will have to prove to their family and society that they can be trusted and trust sometimes has to be earned back but the whole thing is a process for the family too. Both sides of addiction have a journey. It's not easy for family to trust. It's waiting on the other shoe to drop because of past behaviors.

The daughter is in a good place to a least hear a message of hope and recovery and hopefully she will use what she learns.