jerect

About six weeks ago I gave my AH an ultimatium.. get off the suboxone that he has become dependent on, stop sleeping alll day and do something with your life or Get Out. I gave him six months to make these changes.. however, after about 6 weeks I have grown fed up with none of the changes that have been made.. AH is still on the subs with no plans to get off, though he says he knows that he needs to be detoxed but he is not addicted.. (wow, just wow!!!), he still sleeps all day until 1 or 2 oclock in the afternoon and so far has done nothing to improve his job situation or has done anything other then to take out the garbage..

So I did what I had to do.. I told him that he had until the end of October to get out of the house and that in the meantime I was filing for a divorce. I printed up all the paperwork that my state requires, asked him to sign the seperation agreement which he did with no protest and now all I have to do is file it with the courthouse, which I plan on doing next week.

I'm going through every emotion possible right now.. I go from feeling relieved that I have come to this decision to guilt that my AH has no where to go and no money to get him where he needs to go. My AH owes money all over town from the electric company to the water company.. I know, not my problem... I love this man and this is tearing my heart out of my chest. I know that he loves me in the best ways that he can..

I told him that I would be willing to hold off filing for divorce if he would agree to go to rehab but he just talks in circles blaming our failed marriage on me.. I know this is not my fault. Lets say he did go to rehab and he did get clean that would not fix our marriage. It will take a lot more then a few date nights to fix things. It will take a lot of work and to be honest too much work to save it at this point.

I walk around in a daze these days. I know that I'm doing what is best for me and that perhaps this will be the bottom that my AH so desperatly needs in order to clean himself up. I know that this is my bottom, this is where I'm saying enough... time to look after me and my well being. I have closed out our joint checking account and opened up one in just my name. I have an agreement with my AH that he will pay me a certain amount of money every two weeks for his share of the bills.. I doubt that I will see every penny of it because he barely makes enough money to buy gas, ciggerettes and that damn suboxone.

This hurts so bad.. This morning I went into the room where he sleeps to wish him a happy birthday and just layed on his chest and cried. He tells me he loves me but I don't think love is enough anymore..

I just need some tough love and some support and I know that I will find it here...

suki44883

I'm sorry this is happening, Jerect.

You've done all you can do to let him know that you are done. The only thing left is to follow through. You have to take care of yourself and as an adult, he has to take care of himself. If he chooses not to do that, there's nothing you can do for him. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and doing what is necessary for your own well-being.

fourmaggie

in AL ANON its about YOU and your recovery...you can not change someone that DOES not want to be changed.....I am sorry that this has gone as far as it has...

the three Cs
1. YOU did not cause it
2. you can not control it
3. you can not cure it...

please, I am hoping your in AL ANON or NAR ANON...if not, please look into it....
sending my prayers to you...

tam

so sorry your going through this,but please know your not alone. I too have been going through this for 8 months now (seperated) and its not easy,but going to meetings really really help. I never knew they would until finally one day I went. what we all share and feel is the same, even though everyone situation may be different, we all experience the same emotions dealing with addiction.
Maybe a therapist would help too. take it one day at a time and seriously take care of yourself and your personal property, thats the most important thing to do (but I understand we are used to helping them) and in time you will find some sort of normalcy or peace. I too thought my ah wouldnt be able to survive on his own, I worried constantly, but he has and yes I miss him terribly,but when I think of his behavior while under the influence and how the pills changed him, it reminds me that I cant live like that anymore. sadly, I might have to live the rest of my life without him, that too is very hard for me somedays. I rely now on my meetings, my therapy and the high power to get me through..
hope you keep posting, reading here and go to meetings.

Jenny1232

This hurts so bad.. This morning I went into the room where he sleeps to wish him a happy birthday and just layed on his chest and cried. He tells me he loves me but I don't think love is enough anymore..

I just want to tell you how sorry I am for your pain. I nearly cried reading these words... I can feel your pain. I wish you the very best. I have nothing I can say to ease your pain.. just that I'm sorry you are hurting.

wow1323

This sounds fimilar. I packed the guys stuff in garbage bags. He had the nerve to ask me for $5 on the way out. Don't feel guilty.

outtolunch

Good for you for taking responsibility for yourself and not letting your well being being dependent on what he does, or not.

Only your husband can decide whether or not to clean himself up, or not. For now, it does not appear he has such a need. That's OK. Really it is. Let go of the outcome cause you have no control over it.

Any consequences he realizes are the result of his choices, not you.

ThatLittleGirl

He tells me he loves me but I don't think love is enough anymore.. - Let me first say I'm so sorry you're going through all this jerect...I truly am...and I can sympathize as my divorce from exah was finalized on July 8th...and in some ways, I still feel married to him... I agree with what you've said...sometimes love just ain't enough (I think there's a song with that title)... Maybe he does love you...in the way that addicts can love... But where my exah was concerned, I realized, he didn't truly love me the way I define love...the way I need to be loved...he reserved that for his pills... So, I had to file for divorce for me...for my heart...for my sanity...and that of my children. It's not easy...and I'll occasionally have doubts spring up in my head about whether he's "changed" or whether "I did the right thing"...but then he'll fall of the radar for awhile, and I'll get a phone call from him leaving me no doubt he's still using and in denial...and that I ultimately did the right thing. No one can tell you what is right or wrong where your marriage is concerned...but no one has to... You know will know when you've had enough... And while he may think that what he's giving you is love...only you can know in your heart whether it constitutes the real thing and whether it's enough for you!!!

I wish you the best as you take this journey...email me anytime if you want to chat!

dollydo

Well, I am sorry that this is the path you are forced to take. I wish that there was some easy cure for addiction, yet, there is none. The decision to embrace recovery lies soley in the head and heart of the addict. No matter how much we love them, no matter how hard we try to guide them into recovery, nothing will change until they are ready to seek recovery.

I feel your pain,

coffeedrinker

I empathize.
Except for a one-minute exchange, the last time I saw my X, after telling him to move out, after telling him I couldn't live like this any longer, was at a wedding dance. He held me, we danced to "Can't Help Falling..." and gave tender kisses. I laid my head on his shoulder and sobbed.

Love is not enough.

I feel you are trying to somehow force his hand. You gave the big ultimatum and he didn't even flinch to do what you wish him to. And you are still hoping that some act or words on your part will cause the change. I hope I don't sound snotty or mean; I have done the exact same. It's just not what's going to do the trick. Every one of us here will agree with that.

So sad when they toss their very lives away.

ThatLittleGirl

I feel you are trying to somehow force his hand. You gave the big ultimatum and he didn't even flinch to do what you wish him to. - I agree with coffee on this...you can't force his rock bottom...because who knows what that will be...if it will ever be! The truth is that in spite of losing me and our daughters and his job, my exah is still not at his bottom. And maybe he never will...but I didn't leave to try to make him hit rock bottom, I left because I absolutely could not live the life I was living another minute.

Kindeyes

I'm so sorry. Your anguish and your love comes through clearly in your post.

I was married to a man many years ago. He told me that he would kill himself if I divorced him. I was his emotional hostage for five years.

He's still alive. And he still blames me for all that has gone wrong with his life.......almost three decades later.

Take care of you.

gentle hugs

fourmaggie

SEE, you have so much support here...keep coming BACK and keep going to meetings...ooh yes, I forgot about the wonderful slogans...KEEP IT SIMPLE,and TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME the list goes on and on...

ThatLittleGirl

I found the song I was thinking of...I don't want to make you sad with it...but for me, sometimes listening to songs which talk to where I'm at in life is especially cathartic...perhaps this will be for you...

YouTube - sometimes love just aint enough