I have had ENOUGH! This ALL ends tomorrow!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
I have had ENOUGH! This ALL ends tomorrow!
I stumbled upon this site several months ago as I struggled to keep a year long relationship afloat with my ABF. I came to his rescue this time last year when he lost his license and was kicked out of his home by his wife. She quickly filed for a divorce and he moved into my building in a matter of weeks.
It has been a bumpy ride: his inability to be alone vs. his need to drink alone have lead to many arguments and hurt feelings. He would cling to me like a vine, relying on me to take care of him then suddenly pull away and find an excuse to drink alone. We have developed a cycle of breaking up then making up over and over again. All along, I held on to hope that time would make things better, that his promises to "do better next time" would be true. But lately, his attendance with AA and his recovery group has been spotty, and he began drinking at least once a week despite his claims at sobriety. In hindsight I should have paid more attention to these red flags.
The end for me came last month when I accidentally ran into him in our building and he was wearing his wedding ring!
What a shock! He then admitted that he was working on reconciling with his ex wife, he just forgot to tell me when we were in bed together the night before. The hurt and humilation were devastating. I was walking around like the living dead for over a week. The thought of him and her together made me sick and I couldn't bear the thought of running into him again. I knew my sanity couldn't withstand much more.
So, I started making changes.
I began looking for a new place to call home, started rereading Melody Beattie's books for inspiration, went to see our EAP for the past 3 weeks and reached out to my trusted friends for support. I started reading SR forums everyday to gain confidence that I could make positive changes, that I could live with "no contact" despite his calls and texts to reconcile, once again.
Today I am packing up my place, tomorrow at 9:00 am the movers will be here to take me to my new home.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for the next 24 hours.
I am trying my hardest to be brave and resolute in this decision.
It has been a bumpy ride: his inability to be alone vs. his need to drink alone have lead to many arguments and hurt feelings. He would cling to me like a vine, relying on me to take care of him then suddenly pull away and find an excuse to drink alone. We have developed a cycle of breaking up then making up over and over again. All along, I held on to hope that time would make things better, that his promises to "do better next time" would be true. But lately, his attendance with AA and his recovery group has been spotty, and he began drinking at least once a week despite his claims at sobriety. In hindsight I should have paid more attention to these red flags.
The end for me came last month when I accidentally ran into him in our building and he was wearing his wedding ring!
What a shock! He then admitted that he was working on reconciling with his ex wife, he just forgot to tell me when we were in bed together the night before. The hurt and humilation were devastating. I was walking around like the living dead for over a week. The thought of him and her together made me sick and I couldn't bear the thought of running into him again. I knew my sanity couldn't withstand much more.
So, I started making changes.
I began looking for a new place to call home, started rereading Melody Beattie's books for inspiration, went to see our EAP for the past 3 weeks and reached out to my trusted friends for support. I started reading SR forums everyday to gain confidence that I could make positive changes, that I could live with "no contact" despite his calls and texts to reconcile, once again.
Today I am packing up my place, tomorrow at 9:00 am the movers will be here to take me to my new home.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers for the next 24 hours.
I am trying my hardest to be brave and resolute in this decision.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,334
I know that "twilight zone" feeling very well. I think your integrity is getting you out. To thine own self be true. Stay close to God and stay close to your friends. Do you have Alanon closeby I hope? This hurts but in the future you will see how it made you stronger and taught you boundaries. Grief is God's way of getting us through it. Stay in each stage as long as you need to. After my divorce three years ago I am still in a little anger and a little hurt but am mainly in acceptance. This too shall pass. Last year I was sad on my wedding anniversary (Aug.7th). This year I was in gratitude. It does pass.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
Thanks for the responses.. all of you!
especially Dirtmagnet's quote :Stay strong! The best quote I have heard all week is "Never make someone your priority when you are only just an option to them". You are what is important!
I actually put this quote on sticky notes last week around my place, so whenever the urge to reestablish contact occurs, I can squelch it.
especially Dirtmagnet's quote :Stay strong! The best quote I have heard all week is "Never make someone your priority when you are only just an option to them". You are what is important!
I actually put this quote on sticky notes last week around my place, so whenever the urge to reestablish contact occurs, I can squelch it.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,894
I was reading a book the other night and saw a quote that I just loved. It was something to the effect of...
You have a Lexus in your future so quit wasting time looking at Pintos.
I liked that.
You have a Lexus in your future so quit wasting time looking at Pintos.
I liked that.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: California, USA
Posts: 293
It is very courageous of you! It must be tough for you right now, but you are taking all the right steps for yourself. I am cheering for you. I hope you will look back in a few months, in a year or five years from now and say to yourself, "I am awesome!" You are! Take good care!
To thine own self be true.
Join Date: May 2009
Location: U.S.A.
Posts: 5,924
Good for you!!! I feel strong just reading about all these things you have been doing to strengthen yourself! While your mind is so strong and persistent, you may want to start investigating what made you get involved with such an unavailable kind of guy with all these issues in the first place. I think part of the reason I have done so in the past may have been because I felt helpful to the person, needed.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
I just found out that my former mother-in-law died tonight. My ex husband called and we talked for awhile.
I then sat around my apt, that is all packed up for tomorrow and suddenly feel overwhelmed.
Without thinking, I began picking up the phone to call him... and I STOPPED.
I began thinking and I stopped myself.
Ok, let's reason this thing out. My ABF, this guy that I want to reach out to for comfort has fallen short on so many occasions. He has lied, manipulated, disrespected me. To think that he will be there for me, right here right now, to give me support is "magical thinking" once again.
So, instead of reaching out to him, I am writing here. I am getting out my pain and sorrow for the woman who was like a mother to me for 20 years. Yeah, my marriage to her son didn't work out, but I still loved her.
I then sat around my apt, that is all packed up for tomorrow and suddenly feel overwhelmed.
Without thinking, I began picking up the phone to call him... and I STOPPED.
I began thinking and I stopped myself.
Ok, let's reason this thing out. My ABF, this guy that I want to reach out to for comfort has fallen short on so many occasions. He has lied, manipulated, disrespected me. To think that he will be there for me, right here right now, to give me support is "magical thinking" once again.
So, instead of reaching out to him, I am writing here. I am getting out my pain and sorrow for the woman who was like a mother to me for 20 years. Yeah, my marriage to her son didn't work out, but I still loved her.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Groybin))) - I'm so sorry for your loss, but very proud of you for not picking up the phone.
Grief is painful. Losing someone we love to death is a pain unlike any other. Reaching out here is a good thing. Talking to the XABF, who will only use it as a way to edge himself back into your life is not. I hope there are others, in your life, who can support you through this painful time.
Many, many hugs and prayers to you, and all who loved your MIL,
Amy
Grief is painful. Losing someone we love to death is a pain unlike any other. Reaching out here is a good thing. Talking to the XABF, who will only use it as a way to edge himself back into your life is not. I hope there are others, in your life, who can support you through this painful time.
Many, many hugs and prayers to you, and all who loved your MIL,
Amy
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Dear Groybin, I also offer my sympathy to you for the loss of this lady who was so close to you, for so long. It must have been a shock and naturally you sought comfort, but also realised that calling XABF was not going to give you that, and probably would end badly.
Going from a full on relationship to No contact, even when fueled by anger and pain at the actions that caused the split....is so awfully painful and exhausting. That you did not call, even when full of sorrow, says what a strong woman you are.
It does get better, and easier to bear, and sooner than you believe possible, it becomes the gift of peace and self contentment. I do so wish this for you.
God bless
Going from a full on relationship to No contact, even when fueled by anger and pain at the actions that caused the split....is so awfully painful and exhausting. That you did not call, even when full of sorrow, says what a strong woman you are.
It does get better, and easier to bear, and sooner than you believe possible, it becomes the gift of peace and self contentment. I do so wish this for you.
God bless
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Alexandria Township, NJ
Posts: 275
Groybin
I am so sorry for your loss.
And you are so incredibly strong!!
It's like breaking a bad habit. But you did great!
You made the right choice even with your broken heart.
I think it can only get easy from here.
You are in the process of moving right now, how exciting. Enjoy!
Keep posting
I am so sorry for your loss.
And you are so incredibly strong!!
It's like breaking a bad habit. But you did great!
You made the right choice even with your broken heart.
I think it can only get easy from here.
You are in the process of moving right now, how exciting. Enjoy!
Keep posting
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 103
Thanks for the support last night!
After posting last night, I cried. I have been working so hard the past 4 weeks planning, looking and then finding a new place..it kinda kept me numb to the world around me.
Last night, when I found out that MIL died, I realized that painful things are bound to happen, whether you want them to or not, whether the timing is right or not. It was strange, but I learned how to rely on myself last night, to comfort myself.
So, here it is, a new day! Everything feels different, everything looks different in the daylight. The movers will be here in an hour. I am busy stowing last minute things away. Thanks again for the wonderful posts last night, thanks to everyone in SR!
The next time I post, I will be in my new place. This may sound crazy, but I am moving into a large home with an older single woman. I never had a roommate before, and it is going to feel strange at first. But I know in my heart if I move to another place and live alone, I am setting myself up for possible trouble. Either with my ABF or someone just like him. I know that loneliness was a key factor in keeping me tied to my ABF.
I need time away from him to get strong, to be around healthy people, to open myself up to new horizons.
Last night, when I found out that MIL died, I realized that painful things are bound to happen, whether you want them to or not, whether the timing is right or not. It was strange, but I learned how to rely on myself last night, to comfort myself.
So, here it is, a new day! Everything feels different, everything looks different in the daylight. The movers will be here in an hour. I am busy stowing last minute things away. Thanks again for the wonderful posts last night, thanks to everyone in SR!
The next time I post, I will be in my new place. This may sound crazy, but I am moving into a large home with an older single woman. I never had a roommate before, and it is going to feel strange at first. But I know in my heart if I move to another place and live alone, I am setting myself up for possible trouble. Either with my ABF or someone just like him. I know that loneliness was a key factor in keeping me tied to my ABF.
I need time away from him to get strong, to be around healthy people, to open myself up to new horizons.
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
After reading your posts and reading the first chapter of the "Damn Book", looks like you are cycling through the textbook phases of abandonment.
Maybe you could pick up a copy of the "Damn Book" and join us tomorrow for the "Damn Book Club"?
You are doing great and you WILL survive this.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Maybe you could pick up a copy of the "Damn Book" and join us tomorrow for the "Damn Book Club"?
You are doing great and you WILL survive this.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Join Date: Feb 2010
Posts: 1,292
Originally Posted by groybin 
After posting last night, I cried. I have been working so hard the past 4 weeks planning, looking and then finding a new place..it kinda kept me numb to the world around me.
Last night, when I found out that MIL died, I realized that painful things are bound to happen, whether you want them to or not, whether the timing is right or not. It was strange, but I learned how to rely on myself last night, to comfort myself.
So, here it is, a new day! Everything feels different, everything looks different in the daylight. The movers will be here in an hour. I am busy stowing last minute things away. Thanks again for the wonderful posts last night, thanks to everyone in SR!
The next time I post, I will be in my new place. This may sound crazy, but I am moving into a large home with an older single woman. I never had a roommate before, and it is going to feel strange at first. But I know in my heart if I move to another place and live alone, I am setting myself up for possible trouble. Either with my ABF or someone just like him. I know that loneliness was a key factor in keeping me tied to my ABF.
I need time away from him to get strong, to be around healthy people, to open myself up to new horizons.
Last night, when I found out that MIL died, I realized that painful things are bound to happen, whether you want them to or not, whether the timing is right or not. It was strange, but I learned how to rely on myself last night, to comfort myself.
So, here it is, a new day! Everything feels different, everything looks different in the daylight. The movers will be here in an hour. I am busy stowing last minute things away. Thanks again for the wonderful posts last night, thanks to everyone in SR!
The next time I post, I will be in my new place. This may sound crazy, but I am moving into a large home with an older single woman. I never had a roommate before, and it is going to feel strange at first. But I know in my heart if I move to another place and live alone, I am setting myself up for possible trouble. Either with my ABF or someone just like him. I know that loneliness was a key factor in keeping me tied to my ABF.
I need time away from him to get strong, to be around healthy people, to open myself up to new horizons.
I'm only 5 days into a break up from cheating and also have been in pain because I feel the person I used to reach out to, I can no longer reach out to.
Last night was a hard night for me and thought about calling him, but like you, I comforted myself.
When my last ex cheated on me and one day he was here, and poof, next day gone, I also had urges, but NEVER contacted him again!
Living/being alone is tough. I live alone and I think much of my acceptance of what my ex did and what I did to him was our fears of being alone.
Though he was not really alone, since he had a new "friend"!
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