NightandDay

says my RABF, who i just saw this past weekend. chagrined, i admit this, because we were on no contact until i was feeling so good in my meetings and everything that i thought i was being unnecessarily harsh by not talking to him.

we are long distance, and so he came up to see me. for less than 24 hrs. and he was very nice, very communicative. we talked a lot about how he'd been the past 6 months before rehab, how he's been since, what i'm doing in al-anon. . . when he left it all felt okay.

we used to do drugs together a lot. it was always tons of fun until it wasn't anymore. i'm almost not used to hanging out with him and not partying. i don't even party that much in my own life separate from him, and since he's been to rehab, i hardly drink.

but his problem was painkillers, which i have to admit i have always been fond of.

in talking about his drug use, so much of our past came up. we used to like to take painkillers and sit around and listen to music. watch movies. talk. those times were nice times. but then he started doing this when alone and taking a lot of them. . . .

i don't know, i'm feeling very weird now. it was upsetting to me as he talked about all the pills he'd taken. . . stronger ones than i've ever taken. it was almost like he was proud of it. we used to be very taken with drugs, both of us. but we have different ways -- i'm always afraid i will overdose and die and he always thinks more is better.

since he left on sunday, i've not been able to do much. slept a lot. ignored phone calls from my therapist. haven't been to a meeting. found a couple of percocet from my roommate and then i did a cold water extract to get the opiate part of the pill separate from the acetomenophin. why? i have never done this before! EVER. i didn't get really f*cked up or anything but right now. . . i feel like i WANT to. i feel like maybe i am angry at him for letting it all go and getting to the point where he needed rehab and now he gets all this love and support and what do i get? ugh, why am i feeling this way? and why am i letting myself go like this? we didn't even have a bad weekend, we had a GREAT weekend.

outtolunch

And perhaps this says it all. Can you have a great weekend alone? Can you volunteer somewhere? Make a small difference in a stranger's life.

Angelic17

NightandDay, It sounds to me like you have a bit of a problem with drugs too. You might not think you have an addiction, and maybe you don't. But the reality is that you are a drug user. That never leads to anything good. You use for fun and enjoyment, which is a recipe for disaster, and full blown drug addiction. I hope you look at your own drug use and behavior, and forget about your boyfriends. My addiction started with an injury. Opiates are addictive, period. What makes you think that addiction can't and won't happen to you too? Be careful. People suffer big time coming off of opiates. I'm not being mean or nasty, I'm just looking out for you, because I've been there and done that, and it wasn't pretty. What makes you think your boyfriends rehab was so wonderful and full of love and support? Did he mention the part about the anxiety, sweats, stomach cramps, loss of sleep, loss of work and productiveness, and everything else that goes with getting off of drugs? It's only fun for a short while, and then it's a big problem. I hope you can understand what I'm trying to tell you. I don't wish anyone what I felt getting off of opiates.

Chino

I've used drugs/alcohol to numb myself twice in my life, and it was before discovering my daughter's addiction. I learned a valuable lesson from it, in that the light bulb went on and I thought "this is how it starts."

I sincerely hope you're having the same light bulb moment.

Please call your therapist and/or get yourself to a meeting. Your life depends on it.

NightandDay

i don't think i'm immune to addiction.

has anyone ever felt like it would be really nice to let themselves go? and have others worry about them? that is what i was trying to convey.

my bf rather enjoyed rehab. not the coming off opiates part, but all the work he got to do on himself.

look, i'm frustrated. he has a ton of people worrying about him, wanting to support him. i wish i had a problem so bad that people were huddled around me trying to help out.

yup, it's pretty babyish but that's how i'm feeling.

this is quite a humbling thought. i'm not sure that i could. but i probably should try. & i wish that more trying were not the answer, i really do. i feel like a little kid, but i wanna be taken care of for a change.

Dee74

Sure - but it never got me anywhere N&D.

Well nowhere good - it did lead me into wasting 20 years of my life though with drugs and alcohol.

Looking at it from the other side now - I wanted to be relieved of responsibility, I wanted to be protected, I wanted not to worry....however understandable that all is, it's not a entirely realistic view of the way the world works....and it can lead you down some dark dark alleys... so please be careful.
You've got a thread full of people here who care, offering advice and support - however you slice it, that's not a bad thing

D

ThatLittleGirl

i was feeling so good in my meetings and everything

since he left on sunday, i've not been able to do much. slept a lot. ignored phone calls from my therapist. haven't been to a meeting.

we had a GREAT weekend.

it sounds more like you were doing much better before this weekend...like the meetings were helping you...uplifting you. I wouldn't let one weekend sidetrack you from making progress on yourself... And truthfully it sounds like the 'no contact' is what you need right now... I wish you the best...and would truly recommend you start going back to your meetings!!!

NightandDay

thank you. this is true. . . and thank you for reminding me.

you are right, of course. that's why i come here, to try to keep myself honest. i am looking at early morning meetings for tomorrow right now.

thank you everyone for listening and caring.

i just sat on my roof and prayed to God to help me get back on track. i can't do it alone, and i've been feeling very dark these past few days.

but i want to head toward the light. i'm embarrassed that i let things slide these past few days. . . i will go to a meeting. i will try again.

keepinon

When my daughters addiction first became apparent, I wanted to check out, thought about checking myself into a psych ward, didn't want to get up, wanted someone to take care of ME! Won't work, but yes, I have had the fantasy of letting it all go.....go back to meetings, pull urself outta bed, do the next indicated thing...

Angelic17

NightandDay, I hope I didn't come of harsh or nasty, I totally didn't mean to sound that way. Sometimes I don't say things the right way. And because you can't see my face you don't realize that I was saying it in a warm and loving manner. I was trying to make you understand that you don't want that kind of attention. You might think that getting attention for something negative, is better than no attention at all.

I'm glad that you realize that your not immune to addiction. Believe me you would never want to feel the torture of getting off of those drugs for any amount of attention from anyone. It's just not worth it, and you couldn't pay me a million dollars to ever put myself through that again.

Why don't you try doing something really positive and productive in order to get attention. Find yourself someone who will show you love and affection and pay attention to you without a crisis. Be so good to yourself, that you won't crave attention from others, or feel a bit jealous over someone else getting it. It's unhealthy to be needy. Fulfill your own needs, and what ever you get after that will be a bonus.

Thank You for posting your true feelings here. It takes courage, and by being honest you learn. I think I know what you were trying to say.

NightandDay

Angelic, thank you for your most recent post. I didn't take what you said the wrong way, but I appreciate the clarification. I felt pretty stupid yesterday after I posted for being so . . . selfish and self-involved. But I knew I had to come here and post; otherwise, I would feel so guilty that I'd try to continue to escape.

I didn't go to a meeting today, but I did have a session with my therapist, bless her. I ignore her calls and then she takes mine when I need her! I am pledging to respect her more, because she is giving me so much love.

We discussed my relapse and my drug use and how tomorrow is another day and I can get back on track. She also helped me reset some of my boundaries. I am gonna have to go no contact with RABF. We are thinking I will request a minimum of 5 months. This freaks the sh*t out of me, but I think it's the right thing to do. I am just not sure I have the strength to do it tonight or tomorrow or even later this week. But the desire to do it is there.

and thank you for this keepinon -- i was grateful you shared this sentiment and also how unproductive it is.

now i need to think about my upcoming weekend and how im going to do something useful! someone suggested volunteering . . i think it would be good for me to get out of my self-absorbed bubble and help out. anyone have suggestions? i have never really been one for public service, im chagrined to admit.

Angelic17

NightandDay, I'm so proud of you. You have grown so much in just a couple of days. You can do whatever you put your mind to. Believe me, if I can get off of opiates, andbody can do anything. LOL! I think no contact with RABF is a good idea for now. It always hurts staying away from someone that we love, even though we know that person is hurting us in some way. You need to take really good care of yourself and move forward. I'm happy that your therapist has helped you to realize a few very important things.

Tomorrow is another day, and you get a brand new start at making your life really great. Who knows, maybe GOD has a much nicer BF out there just waiting to meet you. How old are you if you don't mind me asking? Not that it matters much. I'm just curious.

Don't feel stupid about what you posted. You felt that way the other day, and today you don't feel that way anymore. There isn't a person in this world that hasn't felt like that. They just didn't have the guts to post it. Your brave, and through posting you learned that you don't want to be self absorbed. So it turned out to be a good thing.

Don't be freaked out about staying away from the AB, because he is toxic and not good for you right now. It doesn't mean that you two can never, ever be together again. It's just that he has healing and growing to do, and you don't need to be with a guy that can drag you down.

A while apart might be the best thing for the both of you. Then if you reconcile when your both healthy, it can be a very good relationship.
Thanks for this reply to my post. It made me feel much better.
I also learned that you have alot of potential. You recognize what your doing wrong and that's great. Be proud of yourself.

coffeedrinker

N & D,

First of all, thank you for your honesty. That's tough, even on a message board.

I understand the feelings of anger - immature as it is - that the significant person in your life has taken a huge turn and left the road you guys were on, having fun. I felt similar things when my xah got sober many years ago. It was like "but I like having a drink". "I really enjoy being able to order a margarita when we go to a Mexican place, or sharing a bottle of wine with a nice dinner." "I don't wanna give up that part of my life; why did you have to go and be alcoholic?"

It was a part of the processing that I had to experience. Of course I knew he didn't choose to end up alcoholic. But I still lamented it. I soon realized that his sobriety was much, much more important than any relatively small enjoyment I derived from various drinking.

We are all a bit selfish sometimes. All a bit immature in our thinking sometimes.

But it's good to acknowledge those feelings.
I hope you can move past it.

I also think it is normal, and typical, for some difficult feelings when they get sober and get attention, get cared for. "What about ME?" is common.
Just continue to put it into perspective.

Drug users don't only use to escape pain. They also use to celebrate; they use just because that's what they do. I think you're recent using of the pills is definitely indicative of a potential problem, a slippery slope.

Be careful. Look at your cravings. Remember that drug use is but a symptom. Keep seeing your therapist, and really working with her.

Best to you...