ready2learn

I'm new to the forum. My 21 yr old son came to us 1 1/2 years ago and announced his girlfriend was pregnant. When her family closed the door on her we let her move in with us (son was already here). The fireworks started immediately. They argued constantly, but we felt we couldn't throw them out under the circumstances. Shortly after their son was born, my son told us that he'd been addicted to oxycontin for months. We knew he'd experimented with drugs in the past, but thought it was over. His admission explained a lot of his behavior - total lack of respect for us or our house, refusal to help, rages. They moved out into an apartment a few months ago, but are back now. My health is not good...I've had 2 back surgeries. I've been keeping the baby (now 9 months old) when they work, and of course they abuse my goodwill there. My husband's health is also not good. We're both in our late 50's...too old for this drama, but here it is. My 80 year old father, who has dementia, also lives with us. My husband and I see a counselor individually, and we know that we need to show our son and his girlfriend the door, with a deadline to move out. I've been told that she takes pills, too, but not as much as our son. They both have emotional issues and are very immature. I could fill up pages sharing incidents with you...but you all know the drill. I'm more than ready to detach from them and let them face the consequences of their actions. But what about the baby? He's a sweet, good-natured, beautiful, innocent victim. Yes, they use him to manipulate us, especially his mother, since they aren't married. I'm not ready to cut ties with them completely because of the baby. I am ok with making them move out and support themselves as best they can, with no financial help from us. But, I would like to keep taking care of the baby as long as I am able to...he needs the stability. Does anyone here have suggestions for walking that fine line of protecting your innocent grandchild and at the same time remaining detached from the parents?

Sasha4

I'm really not sure what to say to you.

I did not want to read your post then run.

I am sure there will be lots of responses soon that will help you - there are so many loving people here with lots of experience.

I also just wanted to say that admire you doing so much for your grandson, especially after your surgeries. Having a ten month old myself, I know how tiring they can be - into everything, exploring the world non-stop.

I hope that, despite the problems you are having with your son and daughter in law, your grandson is bringing you lots of smiles, love and happiness.

Wishing you well
xx

hello-kitty

welcome. I don't have the answers. But I know there are mothers/grandmothers on this website who have been in similar situations and they will be able to share their stories with you.

(((hugs))) to your grandchild. He's a lucky little man to have you.

ready2learn

Thank you for your words of encouragement. Yes, my little grandson is a joy for us. He is also a blessing for my 80 year old father. I just can't turn my back on the baby. He has his whole life ahead of him, and I believe that the early years have a tremendous impact on a child's development, although plenty of love and support didn't seem to deter AS from making poor choices. Dealing with all the issues of AS's addiction has made me retreat into myself to the point of becoming antisocial; despite the physical limitations I have from my back surgeries, the baby has helped bring me back into the world a little. I know that the ultimate responsibility for the baby rests with his parents, but when I see them failing him and exposing him to their loud arguments on a regular basis, I feel responsible as a grandparent to offer to care for him and teach him that his grandparents are his refuge and we won't let him down.

caileesnana

Hi, I am one of the grandparents!

My daughter is back on drugs, in jail at this time. We have her toddler, almost two.

I have learned that sometimes you have to love someone enough to let them hate you for a while--and she does!

I have learned that, no matter what, we should do all we can for the child--they don't have a choice, our kids do!

I have learned that I can't help my AD, but I CAN help an innocent baby.

Someone told me once to do "whatever it takes"--and it is hard.

Somedays I feel I have given up on her; guess I have (but I KNOW God can work miracles I can't)

Everyday I look at that beautiful baby boy and see life, love and God's grace & mercy. I see the best of my AD in him and will take care of him while she is "unable to parent". I would do the same if she had cancer, and they say this is a disease! Love knows no bounds! I still love her with all my heart, but she has chosen this path and I will not walk it with her. When she chooses recovery, I will be there, but not until.

Sorry if I am babbleing, at work and typing fast!

Keep coming back, you are not alone, unfortunately lots of us here.

My prayers for you, grandson, and your AS!

susan

MsPINKAcres

another grandparent here -

Welcome to our SR family - there are many of us here that have dealt with and some that are still dealing with similiar situations - please please keep reaching out here for support!!

As you and your husband work with the counselor for a time frame for setting boundaries and limitiations ~ another suggestion might be to seek some legal advise from your attorny as to your rights for the grandchild. Your counselor and/or attorney may have some suggestions as to what may be the best way to protect that precious little one ~ with documentation of the events of his parents activities in case you need to act on his behalf to get custody of him to protect him from unhealthy behaviors.

We always hope and pray it would never come down to anything like that ~ I looked at my daughter, how much she loves her children but that love was nothing compared to the full blown active disease of addiction. She lost custody of all 3 of her precious little ones!
Today she is 16 months sober and doing well with her children - doesn't have all 3 of the back - but she sees them on a regular basis.

Anyway - just know that there is lots of love & support here!
HUGS,
Rita

ready2learn

Thank you, Grandparents and Sympatizers! Yes, the legal ramifications of my AS's behavior are a worry for me, especially because they aren't married, and his girlfriend often threatens to take the baby to her mother's, who lives out of state. She doesn't have a good relationship with her mother; I feel it's mainly an attempt to manipulate everyone. However, her mother (who has not been supportive of her daughter at all) is now supposedly crazy about the baby, and might try to talk her daughter into moving. That would devastate us, the paternal grandparents, as we have been a strong support system for the baby since his mother was early into her pregnancy. The reality is that AS's girlfriend has serious emotional issues of her own, and her mother doesn't know and probably wouldn't believe that her daughter is experimenting with drugs, too. I have urged my AS to see about getting a custody agreement filed with the court to stop the mother's threats. AS's actions seem worse than hers (she's the "quiet but deadly" type), as he's on probation right now for marijuana, and failed a drug test. He has to go to court to see what the consequences of that will be, and there's another dilemma. I think he might have to pay a fine, and what do we do there? Part of me feels that I should let him suffer the consequences of jail if he can't come up with the money. On the other hand, jail for him would provide his girlfriend with ammunition in a custody battle, and if he's in jail he can't look for another job to help support the baby (he was the only one working while she was pregnant, and just recently lost his job for not going in on time - the addict's watch runs slower). It gets complicated fast doesn't it? I stay out of their conflicts and focus on the baby's best interests, but it drains me completely emotionally, all the drama, and the actual physical fatigue from caring for a young child and an elderly parent. How do you find the energy to move beyond limbo into creating another life for yourself?

Serenity Bound

I totally agree with documentation. I totally agree that the little one's need to be protected.

Hugs from another grandmother.
Chris

lostparent

Don't you just hate it when they use their kids as pawns to get what they want Have been where you are lucky for us the parents got arrested which lead to us getting guardianship . So for NOW our grandkids are safe.
Really don't have an advice other than what's already been offered document as much as you can an talk to an attorney Mostly I just wanted to show some support.

ready2learn

Maybe some hopeful news tonight. AS had to go to court for blowing off his probation officer and missing appointments - afraid of that drug test, which he finally took and failed. At first we thought AS was headed for jail, but that didn't happen. AS said he was ready to go to get away from the drug environment. A good family friend in law enforcement talked to AS for a long time afterwards and convinced him that rehab is a much better choice than jail. So, we're praying now that when tomorrow comes and the fear of jail has worn off that AS still wants to go to rehab. He's young (21) but maybe he's seen the writing on the wall and decided that he needs to make changes. This is the first time he's admitted the extent of his addiction and said he wants to go to inpatient rehab. Prayers welcome! I am taking the advice to start documenting for the baby. At this point I'm hoping AS's girlfriend will voluntarily agree to let us take care of the baby so she can focus on work and make arrangements to move out of our house and get her own place to live - that would also give us more time to observe her mental state. Thanks for all your support.

MsPINKAcres

adding prayers that all goes well when he faces the decision for rehab or jail ~

and that everyone can support in a healthy, recovery way

HUGS,
Rita

ready2learn

As it stands right now, AS is agreeing to enter rehab tomorrow. I'm sure it's scary for him. It's the only good decision he's made in a long time. Keeping my fingers crossed he doesn't back out.

ladyamalthea

Even if he does back out, at least you know the seeds of thought have been planted to push him in the right direction. Sending prayers your way!

Onewithwings

Good for him! I hope he follows through. I bolted from my second rehab the day I got there. My first stay was at this really nice place, and the second rehab was so totally different to me, I was terrified. It might have been just what I needed, or maybe not, but in any case, I was scared and I ran.

As the addicted mother to a two year old baby, I wish I had family around that could protect him the way you are protecting your grandson. I am sorry about your situation, not sure what to do there. I just know that my son was at risk being cared for by me during the day while my (non-addict) husband works. One day my husband came in to find me high while my 2 year old had somehow locked himself in the bathroom and turned the tub on. The tub was overflowing, luckily he was not in it! It is hard to be a good parent when you are high, I'm sure you realize this.

Is there any way you could care for the baby for them while they do what they need to recover? I don't know what else to suggest. I only know that the baby needs a safe environment, and that addicts don't tend to provide that.

ready2learn

I haven't written in several days. We took our AS to rehab Monday. The program lasts 15 months, and I'm praying he sticks with it. I spent the day before with him, took him to the movies and to get toiletries he'd need and a pair of tennis shoes. He'll be at this facility for 5-6 weeks, then will move out of state to a new place for several months. His girlfriend and our grandson are out of state right now visiting her mother. I hope and pray she brings the baby back this weekend as planned. We plan to be supportive of her as far as helping with the baby. I believe the hardest thing for AS going to rehab, not counting that he has to give up drugs, will be that he won't see his baby except for very limited visits - he'll miss a lot of the baby's "milestones." We plan to bring the baby with us for as many visits as we can. I've emphasized to AS that the most important thing he can do for his little son is to overcome his addiction.

gotahavfaith

Hi Ready2Learn

My daughter had this same issue when she went to rehab. She hated that she was going to miss her youngest son's first day of school. She was afraid that he wouldn't be mommy's boy when she got back. She was afraid of losing her kids. She gets to see them on a limited basis and they do miss her but both she and the boys are doing good with it. The boys have their moments where they cry, but all in all EVERYBODY is doing better. I told my daughter that altho it would be sad to miss her son's first day of school, at the rate she was going, she could have missed out on the rest of their lives. Hopefully what our grandkids are gonna remember in the end is that they had happy healthy parents and a stable life.

I hope that happens for both of us Ready2Learn.

Gotahavfaith

MsPINKAcres

((R2L))

Glad you son has entered a place where he can get help - I pray that it helps him find his peace and his recovery - Yes it is sad that he will miss a few things with the baby ~ but better now than to miss a lifetime of "special moments" while battling with his disease.

Because this is what my ex AH missed - he is 54 yrs old - a father of 3 daughters, was a step-father to 2 more (my daughters) for 16 yrs - he has 9 grandchildren - He has been under the influence for birthdays, christmas, 1st days of school, softball games, soccer games, graduation, proms, weddings, blah, blah, blah and some of those very ordinary days they just wanted to "hang" out with him ~ he missed it ~ and he'll never get it back.

So it's tough to see him miss things now - but prayerfully it will be a path to where he may never "miss" anything else.

Prayers for you and the rest of your family,
HUGS,
Rita

Ann

Sending hugs and am glad your son has found a better path.

Bless the grandmothers and grandfathers here who take in the babies. I don't know how you do it, even at risk of losing the child one day.

Keeping you, your son, the baby and mother in my prayers.

Hugs

ready2learn

It's been a really long, tough week. Somehow AS was using the phone at rehab, even though he wasn't supposed to. He assured us it was ok. After we brought clothes and food and dropped it off for him he called a few days later and asked for more drinks, his inhaler (asthma) and money. ???? He's not supposed to need money. Things broke loose when my husband brought him some more clothes and his inhaler Sunday, minus the drinks and money. AS pitched a fit and actually walked off from rehab. My husband let someone in charge know about the phone calls AS was making. They found him and got him back to rehab. It was so stressful. There's a reason they aren't supposed to make phone calls...we don't need the manipulation. He must be going through withdrawal from the oxy's. I keep telling myself "one minute, one hour, one day at a time." On a good note, AS's girlfriend is back with the baby, so all's well with the little one.

Live

Gosh....if he is not supposed to make phone calls that might make it easier to not answer them.

Hope things calm down and you get some well deserved peace!