Having trouble..things came to a head
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Having trouble..things came to a head
Hi all,
An update from my front on my recently relapsed ah. He has been drinking on and off (trying to convince himself he's a normal drinker) for several weeks now. Sometimes he could manage; other nights, notably after softball and having some drinks with the team, he came home and finished the job.
We had some conversations about it and even though I was better in detaching and not engaging, I still did speak about it. He even admitted he knew he had a problem but had been avoiding it. Went to 2 AA meetings.
Friday after work he had a triple header. I was long in bed when he got home but I know he was drinking. In the morning at 9am I checked facebook and he'd commented on one of my pics at 3am so then I knew how late he'd stayed up. Next morning he was unable to get up for his turn with our daughter. Was a grumbling mess, and I got up. Around 10 I woke him and told him he had to get up because I had my weekly dance class and I left, chipper as anything. He got up but was sluggish and rough.
On my way home I called to coordinate our afternoon plans to take my daughter to a local fair and then to my brother's house for a bbq. He bailed, saying he was tired from the softball the night before and that he had work to catch up on (bs but I ignored anyway). I said fine if you're not going, can you get dd ready. When I got there she was still in her diaper and he'd pulled a sundress from her closet that she'd worn to a wedding the summer before. Hmm, shorts and a tshirt perhaps? No matter, I got her ready, breezed around, see ya later. Her and I had a wonderful day and a great dinner with my bro.
While I was gone I made plans to go to my sister's after I got back, that evening, to catch up from her vacation. When we got home just after 7, I realized right off that he's been drinking. I got pretty upset because that meant cancelling my plans since I couldn't leave her with him. But my sister suggested I bring dd and the kids can have a sleepover. So I did - packed the portable crib and bailed, telling him to have a good night. I did call him later just to say that I breezed out quickly because it was close to bedtime and it kind of took him by surprise, and he said at that time that he felt like a donkey's a$$ and I ignored and said have a good evening, goodnight.
Next morning he calls me, shaky. Said he got very wasted last night and that an AA guy he met last year that he sort of connected with was coming to get him and they were going to a coffee shop. When he got back, he tried to talk with me and I simply said a few short acknowledgements and went on my business. Then I went shopping for the afternoon and he left for another meeting that night at 6. When he got home I went to bed. Yesterday he worked, came home for dinner and left again for another meeting. He got back and I went to bed.
Other than communicating my boundaries (if he's drinking, he doesn't sleep in our bed, can't be with his daughter, and if I find out he's been drinking when looking after our daughter we're out the door) I have refused to speak with him about any of it. I am angry and anxious and feel that things have really shifted after this weekend. I have barely seen him or spoken to him. Yesterday we all sat at dinner and it was very awkward because it was only small talk or talking with my daughter. I really have nothing to say right now and that's true. I am seriously considering ending this all I'm not sure if that's reaction or action so I'm in a lot of turmoil right now.
I'm just looking for support. I don't want to talk to him about his drinking or recovery, yet at the same time I feel like I can't just tune him out either. Eventually we must speak about things even if it's to say that it's the end but I'm just not sure how to approach it. Deafening silence and awkwardness cannot continue, and I'm not ready to walk out the door today, so how to cope until my mind is clear and made up? I feel like if I start talking, I'm going to break down and I don't want it to become like our unhealthy dynamic of the past.
An update from my front on my recently relapsed ah. He has been drinking on and off (trying to convince himself he's a normal drinker) for several weeks now. Sometimes he could manage; other nights, notably after softball and having some drinks with the team, he came home and finished the job.
We had some conversations about it and even though I was better in detaching and not engaging, I still did speak about it. He even admitted he knew he had a problem but had been avoiding it. Went to 2 AA meetings.
Friday after work he had a triple header. I was long in bed when he got home but I know he was drinking. In the morning at 9am I checked facebook and he'd commented on one of my pics at 3am so then I knew how late he'd stayed up. Next morning he was unable to get up for his turn with our daughter. Was a grumbling mess, and I got up. Around 10 I woke him and told him he had to get up because I had my weekly dance class and I left, chipper as anything. He got up but was sluggish and rough.
On my way home I called to coordinate our afternoon plans to take my daughter to a local fair and then to my brother's house for a bbq. He bailed, saying he was tired from the softball the night before and that he had work to catch up on (bs but I ignored anyway). I said fine if you're not going, can you get dd ready. When I got there she was still in her diaper and he'd pulled a sundress from her closet that she'd worn to a wedding the summer before. Hmm, shorts and a tshirt perhaps? No matter, I got her ready, breezed around, see ya later. Her and I had a wonderful day and a great dinner with my bro.
While I was gone I made plans to go to my sister's after I got back, that evening, to catch up from her vacation. When we got home just after 7, I realized right off that he's been drinking. I got pretty upset because that meant cancelling my plans since I couldn't leave her with him. But my sister suggested I bring dd and the kids can have a sleepover. So I did - packed the portable crib and bailed, telling him to have a good night. I did call him later just to say that I breezed out quickly because it was close to bedtime and it kind of took him by surprise, and he said at that time that he felt like a donkey's a$$ and I ignored and said have a good evening, goodnight.
Next morning he calls me, shaky. Said he got very wasted last night and that an AA guy he met last year that he sort of connected with was coming to get him and they were going to a coffee shop. When he got back, he tried to talk with me and I simply said a few short acknowledgements and went on my business. Then I went shopping for the afternoon and he left for another meeting that night at 6. When he got home I went to bed. Yesterday he worked, came home for dinner and left again for another meeting. He got back and I went to bed.
Other than communicating my boundaries (if he's drinking, he doesn't sleep in our bed, can't be with his daughter, and if I find out he's been drinking when looking after our daughter we're out the door) I have refused to speak with him about any of it. I am angry and anxious and feel that things have really shifted after this weekend. I have barely seen him or spoken to him. Yesterday we all sat at dinner and it was very awkward because it was only small talk or talking with my daughter. I really have nothing to say right now and that's true. I am seriously considering ending this all I'm not sure if that's reaction or action so I'm in a lot of turmoil right now.
I'm just looking for support. I don't want to talk to him about his drinking or recovery, yet at the same time I feel like I can't just tune him out either. Eventually we must speak about things even if it's to say that it's the end but I'm just not sure how to approach it. Deafening silence and awkwardness cannot continue, and I'm not ready to walk out the door today, so how to cope until my mind is clear and made up? I feel like if I start talking, I'm going to break down and I don't want it to become like our unhealthy dynamic of the past.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I'm sorry you are going through this right now. You have done a beautiful job of detaching, and going on about your life.
I suspect his newly found 'resolve' (and I use that term lightly) in getting back in touch with AA folks and attending meetings is more a nervous fearful reaction because you are handling your end of things so well and not reacting to what he has been doing.
When I left the EXAH, I just left. There was no talking about it. Things fell into place for me to move over 2 hours away for my own sanity/safety.
Too much damage was done, and there was nothing left to talk about. I had nothing left to give in the marriage.
Although things are difficult for you at this time, please recognize and acknowledge yourself for the progress you have made in your recovery, okay?
I suspect his newly found 'resolve' (and I use that term lightly) in getting back in touch with AA folks and attending meetings is more a nervous fearful reaction because you are handling your end of things so well and not reacting to what he has been doing.
When I left the EXAH, I just left. There was no talking about it. Things fell into place for me to move over 2 hours away for my own sanity/safety.
Too much damage was done, and there was nothing left to talk about. I had nothing left to give in the marriage.
Although things are difficult for you at this time, please recognize and acknowledge yourself for the progress you have made in your recovery, okay?
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Originally Posted by Freedom1990 
Although things are difficult for you at this time, please recognize and acknowledge yourself for the progress you have made in your recovery, okay?
You have done a great job of taking care of yourself and your children. Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself a big hug. One more from us too!:ghug3
This anxiety you are having right now just sucks.
Would it be possible to seperate, temporarily, so that you can have some space to process your feelings? A chance to let you digest this latest event, and a chance for him to focus on his next step.
I know in my house the tension got very heavy. The A trying to put on the good partner mask and I sure didn't feel like pulling out pom poms and being his personal cheerleader.
Do you have a plan to expend some of your anger? Get it out om a healthy manner? I put on my walking shoes and go pound the pavement when I get angry. I have also been known to get in my car, turn up the stereo and scream, curse, yell and punch the passenger seat.
You can also vent here if needed. We're here.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
What a great post! You are doing all the same things I did when I started getting some real recovery time under by belt. You are detaching beautifully and leaving his drinking and its consequences to him.
By saying nothing and letting that awkward silence lie there, you are in fact saying volumes!! I wish you didn't feel this insatiable need to talk it out with him, but I know the feeling as I had it in abundance.
It worked for me to remember that if my habits of talking it out, airing grievences, and giving ultimatums ever worked in the case of addiction, I wouldn't be here at SR in the first place. It's doing the hard work of NOT engaging in those discussions and NOT laying out the plans that are where my real struggles were.
You wrote:
Eventually we must speak about things even if it's to say that it's the end but I'm just not sure how to approach it.
I felt the same way. I kept trying to come up with ways to declare my boundaries and tell my XABF what to expect if he kept drinking. It consumed my thoughts. I was encouraged by the wise folks here to consider my motives behind doing that. Would it just come off as yet another veiled threat that I will leave if he continued to drink? Would I still be trying to force a decision by him when he has to pose the question and make the choice all by himself? I had to answer yes to those things and so I said nothing. You know, in the end, he did make the choice on his own and he admitted that he knew I was going to leave before it became apparent.
You wrote:
I'm not ready to walk out the door today, so how to cope until my mind is clear and made up?
It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job coping right now. Be patient. The answers will come to you. That's how this works. Focus on you and your needs will become clear. The process takes time. It sounds as if he is making a show of going to meetings and maybe it will be more than a show in the end. I was in the same spot not able to leave and miserable if I stayed. Once I started recovery, the burden began to lift. I just kept at it and before long it became apparent he wasn't going to seek recovery, and right then was when, where, and how I was going to leave came about. I didn't have to do anything but just keep doing what was right for me in my recovery. The rest was revealed in its own time.
Sometimes it comes down to faith. Faith in a higher power, faith in the inevitable changes in the universe, and just plain ole faith in ourselves. I reminded myself often that I can't know what the future holds so I will just keep plugging along till it gets here.
The process works if you work it, and you are doing a bang up job at it!!!
Hang in there
Alice
By saying nothing and letting that awkward silence lie there, you are in fact saying volumes!! I wish you didn't feel this insatiable need to talk it out with him, but I know the feeling as I had it in abundance.
It worked for me to remember that if my habits of talking it out, airing grievences, and giving ultimatums ever worked in the case of addiction, I wouldn't be here at SR in the first place. It's doing the hard work of NOT engaging in those discussions and NOT laying out the plans that are where my real struggles were.
You wrote:
Eventually we must speak about things even if it's to say that it's the end but I'm just not sure how to approach it.
I felt the same way. I kept trying to come up with ways to declare my boundaries and tell my XABF what to expect if he kept drinking. It consumed my thoughts. I was encouraged by the wise folks here to consider my motives behind doing that. Would it just come off as yet another veiled threat that I will leave if he continued to drink? Would I still be trying to force a decision by him when he has to pose the question and make the choice all by himself? I had to answer yes to those things and so I said nothing. You know, in the end, he did make the choice on his own and he admitted that he knew I was going to leave before it became apparent.
You wrote:
I'm not ready to walk out the door today, so how to cope until my mind is clear and made up?
It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job coping right now. Be patient. The answers will come to you. That's how this works. Focus on you and your needs will become clear. The process takes time. It sounds as if he is making a show of going to meetings and maybe it will be more than a show in the end. I was in the same spot not able to leave and miserable if I stayed. Once I started recovery, the burden began to lift. I just kept at it and before long it became apparent he wasn't going to seek recovery, and right then was when, where, and how I was going to leave came about. I didn't have to do anything but just keep doing what was right for me in my recovery. The rest was revealed in its own time.
Sometimes it comes down to faith. Faith in a higher power, faith in the inevitable changes in the universe, and just plain ole faith in ourselves. I reminded myself often that I can't know what the future holds so I will just keep plugging along till it gets here.
The process works if you work it, and you are doing a bang up job at it!!!
Hang in there
Alice
Awakening
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Beautiful Texas hillcountry
Posts: 1,272
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
What a great post!
I'm not ready to walk out the door today, so how to cope until my mind is clear and made up?
It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job coping right now. Be patient. The answers will come to you. That's how this works. Focus on you and your needs will become clear. The process takes time. It sounds as if he is making a show of going to meetings and maybe it will be more than a show in the end. I was in the same spot not able to leave and miserable if I stayed. Once I started recovery, the burden began to lift. I just kept at it and before long it became apparent he wasn't going to seek recovery, and right then was when, where, and how I was going to leave came about. I didn't have to do anything but just keep doing what was right for me in my recovery. The rest was revealed in its own time.
Sometimes it comes down to faith. Faith in a higher power, faith in the inevitable changes in the universe, and just plain ole faith in ourselves. I reminded myself often that I can't know what the future holds so I will just keep plugging along till it gets here.
The process works if you work it, and you are doing a bang up job at it!!!
Hang in there
Alice
I'm not ready to walk out the door today, so how to cope until my mind is clear and made up?
It sounds like you are doing a fantastic job coping right now. Be patient. The answers will come to you. That's how this works. Focus on you and your needs will become clear. The process takes time. It sounds as if he is making a show of going to meetings and maybe it will be more than a show in the end. I was in the same spot not able to leave and miserable if I stayed. Once I started recovery, the burden began to lift. I just kept at it and before long it became apparent he wasn't going to seek recovery, and right then was when, where, and how I was going to leave came about. I didn't have to do anything but just keep doing what was right for me in my recovery. The rest was revealed in its own time.
Sometimes it comes down to faith. Faith in a higher power, faith in the inevitable changes in the universe, and just plain ole faith in ourselves. I reminded myself often that I can't know what the future holds so I will just keep plugging along till it gets here.
The process works if you work it, and you are doing a bang up job at it!!!
Hang in there
Alice
It's been true for me, if I can just be still and wait, the answers always reveal themselves. The obvious path becomes clear. The saying "More will be revealed" has been very true for me.
It's happened for me enough times now, that I finally have faith in the process, as Alice said.
Before, I was reacting when I forced myself to do something/anything to relieve the discomfort of sitting and doing nothing. It was almost ALWAYS a mistake to do so.
I think you are doing an awesome job, as well.
Thanks and God bless us all,
Coyote
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
I felt the same way. I kept trying to come up with ways to declare my boundaries and tell my XABF what to expect if he kept drinking. It consumed my thoughts. I was encouraged by the wise folks here to consider my motives behind doing that. Would it just come off as yet another veiled threat that I will leave if he continued to drink? Would I still be trying to force a decision by him when he has to pose the question and make the choice all by himself? I had to answer yes to those things and so I said nothing. You know, in the end, he did make the choice on his own and he admitted that he knew I was going to leave before it became apparent.
Thank you to everyone, your support is very helpful. Even last week when I still kept the door slightly ajar to conversation, I came away feeling regretful and that I'd engaged still too much for my liking - I felt 'used' for him to ease his guilt by throwing me crumbs. So now, although I feel like a bag of sh|t, I still feel better and more empowered about letting him firmly sit in a pile of his own. It's tough, but I must learn to be comfortable with the uncomfortable so that I can get through to the other side.
Yesterday as soon as he was home, I left to meet my niece for dinner and then to an Al Anon meeting. When I got home we both watched tv for a bit, and I started to feel a bit better re: the tension. I just engaged in some 'surface' talk, and then I laughed my butt off at The Daily Show and then said goodnight. Today I had a work meeting that interfered with my regular al anon meeting but ended up going for the very end, to talk with a friend from the group, and luckily my sponsor was back from her vacation and was there. So I had lots of support and hugs this morning along with some good advice. They said to heal myself however I had to, keep doing what I'm doing and not to make any rash decisions or engage with him. If he doesn't go to a meeting tonight then I'm going to another one.
And Pelican, on my way to my dance class on Saturday, I did turn up the radio and I screamed at the top of my lungs in the car. It helped.
I do plan to continue going to meetings, and on saying NOTHING to him on the subject. It's tough, but I know if I engage I will worse so that's keeping me on the straight and narrow.
I don't really want to separate physically at the moment because I don't want to uproot my daughter. I have a big enough house to get space but until I am sure of my path, I want her to have as much stability as possible. If it comes down to it, I'd ask him to leave first before me packing up.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by silkspin
It's tough, but I must learn to be comfortable with the uncomfortable so that I can get through to the other side.
I spent quite a bit of time in therapy discussing discomfort and how it has driven me my whole life. Nearly every unhealthy, dysfunctional, self-destructive thing I have ever done was something I did with the intention of avoiding discomfort. Still is......
L
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Toronto, Canada
Posts: 390
What I find amazing is how automatic it is; ingrained somehow in my psyche to react and quell discomfort. Maybe this new-found strength came from recently watching an A&E show called Obsessed, which profiles OCD people trying to beat their disorder. They are made to sit through their anxiety while being prevented from doing their compulsive behaviour. Eventually the anxiety does reduce and they learn that they can manage without performing their destructive habits.
And, I recently did tell my AH (before this weekend) that because he was burying his head in the sand (when he told me he admitted he had a problem but didn't want to face it) he was just prolonging the agony. If he took the effort to think differently about his predicament and get tools under his belt (through a recovery program), he could get to the other side and be able to manage social occasions without 'white-knuckling' it the way he does now. If I've learned anything in Al Anon, I've got to point this same analytical finger at myself, and so I get it. I also have to do this work to sit through discomfort.
I also realized yesterday that I'd still been rescuing him. Last night at bed I read more in Codependent no more about this, and I'm still guilty! I find that when he doesn't know how to handle my daughter and one or both become frustrated I usually step in, even if it's to tell him how I usually handle a situation or to clarify what she's trying to say (I spend more time with her so understand her mispronunciations). Yesterday morning he went to her and she didn't want him and she also wanted her diaper changed and he didn't handle well and she cried, then ended up coming to me and he, offended by a 3 year old (what a wuss!) huffed downstairs. I did nothing when he was with her, said nothing after. It was SOOO hard, but I'm glad. My sponsor told me long ago to not interfere in their relationship, and I hadn't totally stepped out. I have now! I still don't get why I have such urge to 'save' him from discomfort with her; I guess it's just the controller in me to not want situations to escalate and fix it before things get out of hand. Thing is, no one saves me; I've got to tackle everything for myself, and so should he!
He didn't push anything tonight - I asked him if he was out tonight, he said yes, I said ok. No one elaborated. We just talked about normal stuff, and it was a bit easier. I think I am truly living detachment, as if it's just clicked. I've separated the person from the disease. It felt good, even if things overall are still not good.
And, I recently did tell my AH (before this weekend) that because he was burying his head in the sand (when he told me he admitted he had a problem but didn't want to face it) he was just prolonging the agony. If he took the effort to think differently about his predicament and get tools under his belt (through a recovery program), he could get to the other side and be able to manage social occasions without 'white-knuckling' it the way he does now. If I've learned anything in Al Anon, I've got to point this same analytical finger at myself, and so I get it. I also have to do this work to sit through discomfort.
I also realized yesterday that I'd still been rescuing him. Last night at bed I read more in Codependent no more about this, and I'm still guilty! I find that when he doesn't know how to handle my daughter and one or both become frustrated I usually step in, even if it's to tell him how I usually handle a situation or to clarify what she's trying to say (I spend more time with her so understand her mispronunciations). Yesterday morning he went to her and she didn't want him and she also wanted her diaper changed and he didn't handle well and she cried, then ended up coming to me and he, offended by a 3 year old (what a wuss!) huffed downstairs. I did nothing when he was with her, said nothing after. It was SOOO hard, but I'm glad. My sponsor told me long ago to not interfere in their relationship, and I hadn't totally stepped out. I have now! I still don't get why I have such urge to 'save' him from discomfort with her; I guess it's just the controller in me to not want situations to escalate and fix it before things get out of hand. Thing is, no one saves me; I've got to tackle everything for myself, and so should he!
He didn't push anything tonight - I asked him if he was out tonight, he said yes, I said ok. No one elaborated. We just talked about normal stuff, and it was a bit easier. I think I am truly living detachment, as if it's just clicked. I've separated the person from the disease. It felt good, even if things overall are still not good.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Powerful posts Silkspin!! A story of the recovery process from the front lines if I ever read one. Amazing work you're doing!!
Beautiful insight about his interaction with daughter. I'm sure all the times you sat before her trying to soothe her tears and still scratching your head as to what she needs or wants flashed before your eyes. You are right, no one was there to scoop her up and translate the conversation and manage her care allowing you to feel at ease. No, you had to make your way, the both of you, through each toss and turn of child rearing. Allow him that experience. When he turns to you and wants you to fix it for him, just encourage him to keep at it. I took that approach with my XABF. Drove him a little crazy at first because he thought I was just keeping secrets from him or something, but he did stop putting all his needs at my feet and starting doing things for himself there near the end of our relationship.
Taking a new approach is what this process is all about.
Did I say before that you are doing some amazing work here, you are, you really are!!!
Stay with it and keep posting your process if it helps to work through it. I feel 110% certain others here are learning from your experiences.
Alice
Beautiful insight about his interaction with daughter. I'm sure all the times you sat before her trying to soothe her tears and still scratching your head as to what she needs or wants flashed before your eyes. You are right, no one was there to scoop her up and translate the conversation and manage her care allowing you to feel at ease. No, you had to make your way, the both of you, through each toss and turn of child rearing. Allow him that experience. When he turns to you and wants you to fix it for him, just encourage him to keep at it. I took that approach with my XABF. Drove him a little crazy at first because he thought I was just keeping secrets from him or something, but he did stop putting all his needs at my feet and starting doing things for himself there near the end of our relationship.
Taking a new approach is what this process is all about.
Did I say before that you are doing some amazing work here, you are, you really are!!!
Stay with it and keep posting your process if it helps to work through it. I feel 110% certain others here are learning from your experiences.
Alice
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Wow. I think if it were possible to sum up recovery in one sentence, you've just done it.
I spent quite a bit of time in therapy discussing discomfort and how it has driven me my whole life. Nearly every unhealthy, dysfunctional, self-destructive thing I have ever done was something I did with the intention of avoiding discomfort. Still is......
L
I spent quite a bit of time in therapy discussing discomfort and how it has driven me my whole life. Nearly every unhealthy, dysfunctional, self-destructive thing I have ever done was something I did with the intention of avoiding discomfort. Still is......
L
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by silkspin
What I find amazing is how automatic it is; ingrained somehow in my psyche to react and quell discomfort.
L
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 28
Never thought of it that way, LTD. Wow, so much learning in this thread!
Silkspin, thanks for sharing your journey so far. It feels like your journey is almost identical to mine in how we are both seeing a bit of clarity and detaching right now, how uncomfortable detaching makes you feel (H tried to have "the talk" with me, which I had to stall yet again), how you are always rescuing your H from various discomforts such as child-raising (we have twins... and he wouldn't even take them out by himself until last year when they were 4... always too much of a nuisance for him to do so, strapping them in and out of their car seats and so on. Boo f__ing hoo.). It's all too little too late for me in that area, among several others....
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, keep filling us in!
Silkspin, thanks for sharing your journey so far. It feels like your journey is almost identical to mine in how we are both seeing a bit of clarity and detaching right now, how uncomfortable detaching makes you feel (H tried to have "the talk" with me, which I had to stall yet again), how you are always rescuing your H from various discomforts such as child-raising (we have twins... and he wouldn't even take them out by himself until last year when they were 4... always too much of a nuisance for him to do so, strapping them in and out of their car seats and so on. Boo f__ing hoo.). It's all too little too late for me in that area, among several others....
Anyway, I wish you the best of luck, keep filling us in!
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