whereisthisgoin

Please tell me how it works.

This is the part that has me scared to death.

As it stands, one of the main things that keeps me with my AH is the thought of my son being alone overnight with his father who drinks every.single.night.

Our son is 14. He loves his dad when he is sober, but hates to be with him when he is drunk. And of course, I wouldn't let a babysitter drink, how can I possibly let him be overnight with his drinking dad?

Am I going to have to prove he's an alcoholic? I can't fathom trying to get video of him when he's drunk or maybe there is some other way?

Thanks for any insight you can share. Divorce is inevitable so you don't have to question me on that - just trying to figure out the pieces that are holding me back.

suki44883

Well, you are lucky in that your son is 14 years old and not 4 years old. Only a couple more years until he will be able to decide when and if he wants to see his dad. I was pregnant when I filed for divorce, so of course, nothing could be finalized until after our daughter was born. I had many, many years ahead of me to fret.

I'd just make sure your son has a cell phone and can call if he feels uncomfortable while at his dad's. In a couple of years, your son will be driving and will be able to just leave if he wants to. You are actually in a better position than many people who have small children.

suki44883

Well, you are lucky in that your son is 14 years old and not 4 years old. Only a couple more years until he will be able to decide when and if he wants to see his dad. I was pregnant when I filed for divorce, so of course, nothing could be finalized until after our daughter was born. I had many, many years ahead of me to fret.

I'd just make sure your son has a cell phone and can call if he feels uncomfortable while at his dad's. In a couple of years, your son will be driving and will be able to just leave if he wants to. You are actually in a better position than many people who have small children.

whereisthisgoin

So I could retrieve him if he wanted to come home? I know that sounds like a stupid question...but is it that easy?

LaTeeDa

Nowhere is it written that shared custody must include overnight visits. When I initially separated from my husband, he was still drinking. Our family counselor suggested daytime visits with no overnights. (He was a nighttime drinker, rarely during the day.) I also made sure that my kids had their own cell phone and explained to them that they could call me any time to come get them, for any reason. (I didn't specify drinking since I didn't want them to take my place as the "drinking police.")

As far as proving he is an alcoholic, you can do that without videotaping him drunk. (And I suspect that a videotape of him drunk wouldn't really prove anything, anyway.) His history will prove much more. Does he have DUI's? Ever been to rehab? Disciplined at work for drinking? Those are the kind of things that will help in custody orders.

L

LexieCat

Your son knows when he's drunk.

I would consult a lawyer if I were you--I believe most courts will not force a 14 y/o to spend time with his father if he doesn't want to. And DEFINITELY won't do so if the reason is that he drinks every day.

Your son should be able to speak with the judge, or with a child advocate, in private at the courthouse. If you don't have a lawyer, discuss it with your son, and if he is willing to talk about it, contact the family court and ask how that can be arranged.

whereisthisgoin

My ah pretty much only drinks at night and is performing extremely well at work. No DUIs, no rehab. I don't think he will ever hit bottom, even when we do split up. He is sure he is in control of his drinking. Hard to argue from some angles - but the piles of bottles at the end of each night tell a different story. He's convinced he can stop whenever he wants to. He just doesn't want to.

He says that there is no way that he is ever going to stop drinking. So I know what I must do.

I want my son to be able to spend time with his dad - just not his drunk dad. Sounds like it can be worked out.

I am thankful for your replies.

LaTeeDa

Wow, your story is almost exactly the same as mine--5 years ago. Except I have two children. They were 13 and 9 at the time.

My XAH was convinced he could stop too. Also, just didn't want to. Said he was only hurting himself, blah, blah, blah.

About six months after I left him, he got sober. I still don't know what his bottom was. I don't think it was me leaving, or only seeing his kids for a couple hours each week. Anyway, it doesn't matter, he's sober now. We did try to reconcile several months after he got sober, but there was just too much resentment on both sides, too much water under the bridge.

I'm grateful that my children have a sober dad. You never know what the future will bring. You don't have to figure out every possible future scenario right now. You only need to do what is best for you and your son--today.

L

SheCanRun

Our AH's sound similar as do our situations. My children are younger then yours though. They spend every other week with "dad" and I worry, a lot. I am hoping that he has enough sense to not be passed out drunk while they are in his care. I'm hopeful but not confident.

I also have the burden of proving that he's an alcoholic. Not an easy task, he does not drink at the bars, has not missed work (that I can prove-he owns his own business) due to drinking and his DUI was from about 20 years ago.

I've been photographing empty bottles (that he hides) and collecting receipts although this may prove not helpful. As my dad pointed out the other day... whose to say I'm not planting this stuff in the house to set him up? I didn't think of that and I though it was a great point.